The question may be easier to explain if it was "Where haven't I been?" Because for the last almost 2 months, I feel like I've been up one hill, down another, turned all around and upside down, and now planted back on my feet to let it all sink in.
When I last blogged we had just come through our second IUI cycle with Dr. Dodds and was able to identify some areas of growth despite the pain of yet another failed cycle. We had kind of settled into the fact that we had to begin again, this time with a bit different regimen than we had had before. Instead, Dr. Dodds called personally to let us know that he thought IVF would be our best option.
That was not at all anything we were prepared to hear. It's not that we were against IVF or that we weren't willing, but it's not something that we were thinking we would get to and if so, not nearly this soon. I do appreciate the fact that Dr. Dodds is not about the money but instead about helping us build our family the best way possible.
Our biggest mountain at this point is trying to get my body to produce mature follicles and release them. With the meds we were using for our IUI cycles, my body just wasn't responding enough. We could increase and change the meds and try another IUI, but then we might end up with too many follicles and end up cancelling the cycle. Instead Dr. Dodds recommended, and we agreed that we try IVF. This way, they can use stronger, more potent meds and control the # of embryos transferred back.
I won't go into too much detail now about the whole procedure. I'm not sure I fully understand it all just yet. We are still processing it all and trusting that the Lord is going to provide the finances, because we have nowhere near what we need for it.
In the meantime, we would appreciate your prayer. Our insurance company is being a booger again. They apparently WILL cover 50% of the meds for IVF, although our nurse, Amy, believes that's not true. Which is fine, but because they aren't denying us prescription coverage, we are not eligble for the Compassionate Care Program through Fertility Lifelines... that program would cover over $1700 of our meds which are estimated right now at $2500. We are still waiting and jumping through the insurance hoops to get that denial. Seems weird that you would want to be denied for coverage, but it will be much less expensive. And in reality, they aren't going to cover the meds... just like they haven't so far!
At any rate, your prayers are appreciated as we press forward into this next HUGE step to trying to begin our family. God is good, of this we are certain, and He knows exactly how this will play out!
12.07.2011
10.20.2011
What We Learned
It goes without saying that we learned a lot over the course of the last month. It also goes without saying that some of those lessons learned were painful. Very painful. While some of the lessons were painful, we're still thankful that we are traveling the road we are. Not thankful that we have to struggle through infertility, but thankful for what God is accomplishing in and through us as we struggle.
So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.
Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.
Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.
Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.
Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.
Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.
Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.
Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.
Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.
Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.
Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)
So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.
So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.
Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.
Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.
Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.
Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.
Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.
Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.
Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.
Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.
Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.
Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)
So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.
10.19.2011
I read a quote the other day that said "Stop worrying about how far you have to go and consider instead how far you've come." I guess that's totally something I needed to hear. Course, then nearly everytime I hear advice, it's something I need to hear.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
10.11.2011
My Husband!
I've recently been very aware of my husband's role in my life. While I know this post will fall far short of the gratitude and admiration I have for him, I believe it's only fair to brag on him a while.
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
10.08.2011
We're Getting There....
I have started this post many times in my head. I go back and forth about how much or how little to share of our journey. At some points I think "that's way too personal to share" and at other points I think "yes, it's painfully honest and personal, but it's truth and it's fact and it answers a lot of people's questions." I'm still not sure where exactly the line is, but I guess I just go with the flow. The main purpose of this blog was to give us a place to release some of the emotions, joy, excitement, frustration, anger that is all to common when struggling with infertility. Yes, I realize that I have a few readers, maybe more than I know, but the main purpose isn't to inform my readers, but to reflect on what we're learning in hopes of possibly reaching out to someone struggling in the same way or even just struggling.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
10.05.2011
The Mystery of God
I've always loved to sit down with a good mystery book or snuggle up next to Heath and watch a good mystery movie or TV show. You know the "whodunnit" kind. The ones where the story catches you in the beginning, holds you through the middle, and surprises you at the end. Heath is a very good mystery solver, so sometimes it's not always as fun. I on the other hand, although I've gotten better over the years, could not solve a mystery if my life depended on it. Let's just say I would not make a very good detective. So, thank the Lord, I wasn't put on the earth to be a detective.
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
10.02.2011
Common People, Uncommon Purpose
I think probably one of the hardest things to deal with when struggling through infertility, is the way that other's react to your struggle. It's difficult to remember that they haven't been there and they don't understand all the ins and outs of it. They don't really know how you feel, even though they would like to help in that way. People don't realize how their words can bring an infertile women to her knees in pain.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
9.30.2011
Have you ever lost your car in a parking lot? I can now say that I have. It's rather embarrassing to admit. After shopping for groceries this afternoon, I walked out of Meijer and immediately could not remember where I parked or even recall which row I had walked down when I entered the store. Not to worry, I began to wander down the row straight in front of the store and found a blue van that I thought was mine. Walking around to the back of the van, I pressed the unlock button, and lifted the gate only to notice that I didn't recognize the license plate #. Rolling my eyes and probably turning beat red, I shut the door and walked rather quickly, like almost ran, away from the van hoping that the owner was not watching me break into their van which was not really breaking in since it had been left unlocked. Looking around for my van, I began to wander aimlessly through the parking lot panicking a little bit more as each minute passed. I then remembered that I had parked somewhere in the first 3 rows, but I could not spy any other blue vans. I felt like such a moran because I walked through the parking lot, pressing the lock button hoping that the van would honk so I could find it. Amazingly, as I got closer to that blue van again, it honked! I'm so stupid! It was my van all along and it has Heath's license plate# on it... one which I was not that familiar with. I'd like to have a really good reason for doing something so brainless... but well, it's been kind of a numbing day, and this mishap is just a result of that.
Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.
Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.
Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.
We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.
I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!
Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.
Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.
Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.
We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.
I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!
9.02.2011
Small Potatoes
For the past couple of years I have made it my goal to read through the Bible in a year. I accomplished that in 2009, 2010, and I'm well on my way to doing so in 2011. It's amazing to me how easily it has become a habit and how it's not that easy to forget. If I forget even for one day, my day is changed... I get upset more easily, my words don't come out as lovely, it's easy to get discouraged. I've come to realize just how important my time in Bible reading and prayer is to my walk with Christ. Probably one of my biggest consumers of time right now, is my thoughts about our Infertility. What does that do for a Christian's walk? Well, I'm not sure what it does across the board, but to me, it causes me to relate everything I read or hear to our struggle. I glean encouragement from God's Word. Words that aren't always meant to speak to infertility, but that reach me anyhow.
This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.
The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.
I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?
Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.
Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.
This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.
The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.
I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?
Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.
Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.
8.23.2011
There have been times in this journey where I think that I can't take another upset. If you are struggling through infertility or have in the past, then you know those times I'm talking about.
This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...
It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.
Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.
I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.
If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.
This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...
It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.
Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.
I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.
If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.
8.19.2011
Canceled Cycle= Pain
It really doesn't take much for a woman battling infertility to lose her composure and cry in front of just about anyone. But having said that... I've withstood a lot in the last couple of weeks and I need to cry.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
8.04.2011
Still Here, Still Strong!!
Dear friends, it's been a very long time since I've graced you with a post. Some of you may be thinking... yes, it's been quite refreshing to not have to hear Lisa's woes. Well, maybe so, but let me assure you, it's been quite refreshing to have quite a break from meds and doctors appts and disappointments that go along with cycle after cycle of non-success fertility treatments. Don't think that there haven't been times that I've started to post... but as strong as that desire was, the desire to wait, be still, and enjoy the break was much stronger.
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
5.26.2011
Coincidence? or God?
It is not often, actually never, that I post one of my blogs on Facebook. For whatever reason, though, I am about to do just that. It may be that I'm getting bolder about my musings, or possibly that I'm finally listening to the Lord pressing me to speak out, or just maybe I survived a very scary time last night and I need to express the ways that the Lord spoke to me through that. I'm warning you, this may be very long!
We are just returning from a much needed 10 day vacation in Florida. The weather was beautiful, the company wonderful, and the relaxation top notch. We were on a very tight budget, but had an amazing time doing nothing... :-) We even came home with over $200... we discussed on the way home just what we would do with that money. Options ranging from putting it into our baby fund, finishing our garage project, using it for our anniversary coming up, and other ideas of things we wanted or needed. But alas, as always God had different plans for our money. Because as we began washing our vacation clothes, we realized that our washing machine had run it's course. I didn't feel so bad about it because our washer and dryer were FREE when we got married and probably had 15 years of use on them. We are very blessed that they have served us well the last 3 years! Our search started at such stores as Best Buy, ABC Warehouse, and the like, but ended on Craigslist, where we found a washer and dryer only 4 years old and like new for $325... only a little over the amount we brought home from our Vacation. Yes, indeed, that left over money being available was no coincidence. It was only the beginning of the way God orchestrated this day.
Armed with $325, Tyler, and his truck, we headed to GR last night to get our "new-to-us" washer and dryer. The road down was safe and it only rained a bit as we loaded them up, strapped them down, and headed home. At the same time that our washer has gone caput, our dryer is perfectly fine... and alas, God had planned that out perfectly as well, because Ty and Holly are in need of one. Again, no coincidence!
And, sorry friends, but the story doesn't end there. In preparation for Ty taking us down to get the washer and dryer, he had cleaned out the backseat of his truck including Jessi's carseat, which he placed right inside the door in their breezeway. As we moved our old washer and dryer out, hauled them up the stairs, and got the new dryer down into the basement, we began to formulate a plan for getting our old dryer to Ty and Holly's... the cords were different and we had to make a change to accommodate our new unit. Thinking that we might be able to just swap Ty and Holly's for ours, I ran upstairs to get my phone and give Holly a call to see what her cord at home was like. We are very close to the Fire Barn and I could hear sirens pulling out and headed down 57 as I headed up the stairs. Funny, maybe, but each time I hear the sirens, my heart skips a beat and I say a prayer for whoever might be on the receiving end of that help. Little did I know that I was praying for our little Jessi girl!
When I reached Holly by phone, she was frantic... which is not normal for her, so I asked her if she was ok. "No" she screamed, "Tell Tyler to come home NOW!" Without thinking I hollared to Ty to go home now, threw him my keys, and relayed what Holly had told me "Jessi fell, hit her head, and she's convulsing and having a seizure! The ambulance is here!" As calm as I remained on the outside, my heart was beating madly and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Heath cried, then prayed, then we snapped into action, finishing the unloading of the washer and then heading out, hoping to be able to follow them down to the hospital. Noone was there so we drove back to get our van... driving by the fire barn, I noticed one of the response units pulling back in, "Pull in there" I said. We ran up to the barn, asked if they came from Shaner, and where they were taking Jessi. "Helen Devos, she's ok, she'll be alright!" But me, being the doubting person that I am didn't really listen to the last part... after all, isn't that what they say just before people die? Morbid, I know, but that is what goes through my mind everytime I hear that phrase from a doctor or nurse. Sorry to those of you who are doctors or nurses!
About 40 minutes later, we were at the hospital, just in time to see Jess. She was kind of out of it, mostly crying, and not herself. Scary, to say the least, but she got better as the night continued. Doctors said she had a febral (sp?) seizure that occurs when there is a rapid temp spike in little ones. Scary as that was, it's actually a protection from the seriousness of the spike in temperature. Praise the Lord for his intricate design in creating a body that protects itself against harm. Now almost 20 hours later, she is doing well and although continues to experience a fever, she is no longer having tremors or experiencing seizures. I pray that she continues to do well.
At any rate, this day that started out as any other day did not end that way. Still, I can see God's hand in every moment of it. It was no coincidence that our washer died on us and that we had most of the $ for it from our vacation. By no coincidence did we need Tyler's help moving it, thus allowing for the carseat to be left right by the door where the paramedics needed it. It wasn't a coincidence that the first response unit was pulling into the fire barn just when we needed them to find out where Jessi was. And by no coincidence, did the Lord provide an excellent Children's Hospital close to home. No, these aren't coincidences... these are God, His orchestrating hand in every area of our lives!
As I was living through those moments last night, I began to wonder about myself... as scary as it was, I never cried. What was I, heartless? I mean, the little girl that I love as my own, was lying in a hospital bed, being poked and prodded and I was cool and calm and collected. The tears just didn't come... not as I talked with Holly on the phone and relayed the message to Tyler, not when Heath lost it and cried out to God on our front porch, and not when we walked into the hospital room and saw her helpless little body lying on the bed. I don't know if it's my coping mechanism that causes me to hold back... as if when everyone else is upset, I can't be. Or if it's just that I was in denial... I don't know.
The tears did come... this morning as I picked up sweet Jessi's toys and books that were strewn all over the living room from yesterday. They came as I knelt on the floor and picked up the half eaten crackers and animal cookie crumbs that she left when she ran into her mommy's arms yesterday afternoon. They overflowed as I fed little Aurelia this morning in the quiet of the living room... quiet except for my sobs of relief. I think it was the action of picking up after little Jessi and realizing that we may have lost her... except by God's grace, it could have been the last time I picked those up... the pictures that I took of her and Uncle Heath, could have been the last and I am overwhelmed and thankful to God that we will still be able to enjoy her precious smiles, giggles, and witty ways! What a gift! What a miracle! And one, I'm afraid, that we take for granted too often. Never again!
Father God, awesome Healer, Prince of Peace... thank you for being near to us in our moments of fear. We praise you today for your ever present, protective hand on us and those we love. Thank you for continuing to heal little Jessi's body and for allowing us more time with her! May we never take her or any others that we love for granted. Help us to be evermindful of your hand in our every action and help us to never forget that coincidences to others are simply your hand in our lives.
We are just returning from a much needed 10 day vacation in Florida. The weather was beautiful, the company wonderful, and the relaxation top notch. We were on a very tight budget, but had an amazing time doing nothing... :-) We even came home with over $200... we discussed on the way home just what we would do with that money. Options ranging from putting it into our baby fund, finishing our garage project, using it for our anniversary coming up, and other ideas of things we wanted or needed. But alas, as always God had different plans for our money. Because as we began washing our vacation clothes, we realized that our washing machine had run it's course. I didn't feel so bad about it because our washer and dryer were FREE when we got married and probably had 15 years of use on them. We are very blessed that they have served us well the last 3 years! Our search started at such stores as Best Buy, ABC Warehouse, and the like, but ended on Craigslist, where we found a washer and dryer only 4 years old and like new for $325... only a little over the amount we brought home from our Vacation. Yes, indeed, that left over money being available was no coincidence. It was only the beginning of the way God orchestrated this day.
Armed with $325, Tyler, and his truck, we headed to GR last night to get our "new-to-us" washer and dryer. The road down was safe and it only rained a bit as we loaded them up, strapped them down, and headed home. At the same time that our washer has gone caput, our dryer is perfectly fine... and alas, God had planned that out perfectly as well, because Ty and Holly are in need of one. Again, no coincidence!
And, sorry friends, but the story doesn't end there. In preparation for Ty taking us down to get the washer and dryer, he had cleaned out the backseat of his truck including Jessi's carseat, which he placed right inside the door in their breezeway. As we moved our old washer and dryer out, hauled them up the stairs, and got the new dryer down into the basement, we began to formulate a plan for getting our old dryer to Ty and Holly's... the cords were different and we had to make a change to accommodate our new unit. Thinking that we might be able to just swap Ty and Holly's for ours, I ran upstairs to get my phone and give Holly a call to see what her cord at home was like. We are very close to the Fire Barn and I could hear sirens pulling out and headed down 57 as I headed up the stairs. Funny, maybe, but each time I hear the sirens, my heart skips a beat and I say a prayer for whoever might be on the receiving end of that help. Little did I know that I was praying for our little Jessi girl!
When I reached Holly by phone, she was frantic... which is not normal for her, so I asked her if she was ok. "No" she screamed, "Tell Tyler to come home NOW!" Without thinking I hollared to Ty to go home now, threw him my keys, and relayed what Holly had told me "Jessi fell, hit her head, and she's convulsing and having a seizure! The ambulance is here!" As calm as I remained on the outside, my heart was beating madly and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Heath cried, then prayed, then we snapped into action, finishing the unloading of the washer and then heading out, hoping to be able to follow them down to the hospital. Noone was there so we drove back to get our van... driving by the fire barn, I noticed one of the response units pulling back in, "Pull in there" I said. We ran up to the barn, asked if they came from Shaner, and where they were taking Jessi. "Helen Devos, she's ok, she'll be alright!" But me, being the doubting person that I am didn't really listen to the last part... after all, isn't that what they say just before people die? Morbid, I know, but that is what goes through my mind everytime I hear that phrase from a doctor or nurse. Sorry to those of you who are doctors or nurses!
About 40 minutes later, we were at the hospital, just in time to see Jess. She was kind of out of it, mostly crying, and not herself. Scary, to say the least, but she got better as the night continued. Doctors said she had a febral (sp?) seizure that occurs when there is a rapid temp spike in little ones. Scary as that was, it's actually a protection from the seriousness of the spike in temperature. Praise the Lord for his intricate design in creating a body that protects itself against harm. Now almost 20 hours later, she is doing well and although continues to experience a fever, she is no longer having tremors or experiencing seizures. I pray that she continues to do well.
At any rate, this day that started out as any other day did not end that way. Still, I can see God's hand in every moment of it. It was no coincidence that our washer died on us and that we had most of the $ for it from our vacation. By no coincidence did we need Tyler's help moving it, thus allowing for the carseat to be left right by the door where the paramedics needed it. It wasn't a coincidence that the first response unit was pulling into the fire barn just when we needed them to find out where Jessi was. And by no coincidence, did the Lord provide an excellent Children's Hospital close to home. No, these aren't coincidences... these are God, His orchestrating hand in every area of our lives!
As I was living through those moments last night, I began to wonder about myself... as scary as it was, I never cried. What was I, heartless? I mean, the little girl that I love as my own, was lying in a hospital bed, being poked and prodded and I was cool and calm and collected. The tears just didn't come... not as I talked with Holly on the phone and relayed the message to Tyler, not when Heath lost it and cried out to God on our front porch, and not when we walked into the hospital room and saw her helpless little body lying on the bed. I don't know if it's my coping mechanism that causes me to hold back... as if when everyone else is upset, I can't be. Or if it's just that I was in denial... I don't know.
The tears did come... this morning as I picked up sweet Jessi's toys and books that were strewn all over the living room from yesterday. They came as I knelt on the floor and picked up the half eaten crackers and animal cookie crumbs that she left when she ran into her mommy's arms yesterday afternoon. They overflowed as I fed little Aurelia this morning in the quiet of the living room... quiet except for my sobs of relief. I think it was the action of picking up after little Jessi and realizing that we may have lost her... except by God's grace, it could have been the last time I picked those up... the pictures that I took of her and Uncle Heath, could have been the last and I am overwhelmed and thankful to God that we will still be able to enjoy her precious smiles, giggles, and witty ways! What a gift! What a miracle! And one, I'm afraid, that we take for granted too often. Never again!
Father God, awesome Healer, Prince of Peace... thank you for being near to us in our moments of fear. We praise you today for your ever present, protective hand on us and those we love. Thank you for continuing to heal little Jessi's body and for allowing us more time with her! May we never take her or any others that we love for granted. Help us to be evermindful of your hand in our every action and help us to never forget that coincidences to others are simply your hand in our lives.
5.09.2011
I'm A Survivor!
No, I am not joining the ranks of those "reality" stars on Survivor, and I'm not celebrating my journey through cancer, but I am celebrating my survival of yet another Mother's Day as a Childless couple.
I need to preface this post by saying that the last post I made was published very early in the morning on a day that we as childless couples struggle with every year. Yes, I realize that it's not about me. Yes, I realize that we have two mother's and two grandmother's to celebrate, and we did. And Yes, I realize that someday it will be my turn. Having said that, I want to make sure you realize that I in no way was down playing the day that was set aside to honor our mother's and grandmother's. And I in no way intended to deflate your balloon's of joy in your family. Instead I have found over the past couple years that this blog is an outlet for me. A way for me to vent my frustrations and my struggles. A place of healing for our aching hearts and a place to feel safe and not shot down for the spectrum of emotions that an infertile woman/couple faces. I do apologize if I put a dooms day feel on your Mother's Day. It was not my intent or desire in the least.
I; however, am a survivor of the day. No, I'm not a Mother. No, I didn't make it through the sermon without a couple of tears. No, I didn't dodge my sweet niece with a carnation for me. But, I did survive. I can think of only one thing that allowed me joy on this day. Well, maybe two... first and foremost, God's strength... the ability to come through the day with a smile on my face. The strength to celebrate my mother's and our sweet friend Kara, who for the first time in their 8 year journey through infertility can REJOICE because very soon, she will be a mother. Praise God, for his Faithfulness. I can honestly say I've never felt His Strength like I did yesterday. I am overwhelmed even today as I write this, because I can't believe that He loved me enough to give me the strength to press through something so difficult. And the second reason is my amazing godly husband. I don't deserve his love or his thoughtfulness, but I am so thankful for the way that God brought Heath into my life. I know that although my pain is very obvious, his pain stems from seeing me in pain. He did all he could do to make my day joyful even in little ways he probably doesn't even know. Thank you, Sweetheart!
I need to preface this post by saying that the last post I made was published very early in the morning on a day that we as childless couples struggle with every year. Yes, I realize that it's not about me. Yes, I realize that we have two mother's and two grandmother's to celebrate, and we did. And Yes, I realize that someday it will be my turn. Having said that, I want to make sure you realize that I in no way was down playing the day that was set aside to honor our mother's and grandmother's. And I in no way intended to deflate your balloon's of joy in your family. Instead I have found over the past couple years that this blog is an outlet for me. A way for me to vent my frustrations and my struggles. A place of healing for our aching hearts and a place to feel safe and not shot down for the spectrum of emotions that an infertile woman/couple faces. I do apologize if I put a dooms day feel on your Mother's Day. It was not my intent or desire in the least.
I; however, am a survivor of the day. No, I'm not a Mother. No, I didn't make it through the sermon without a couple of tears. No, I didn't dodge my sweet niece with a carnation for me. But, I did survive. I can think of only one thing that allowed me joy on this day. Well, maybe two... first and foremost, God's strength... the ability to come through the day with a smile on my face. The strength to celebrate my mother's and our sweet friend Kara, who for the first time in their 8 year journey through infertility can REJOICE because very soon, she will be a mother. Praise God, for his Faithfulness. I can honestly say I've never felt His Strength like I did yesterday. I am overwhelmed even today as I write this, because I can't believe that He loved me enough to give me the strength to press through something so difficult. And the second reason is my amazing godly husband. I don't deserve his love or his thoughtfulness, but I am so thankful for the way that God brought Heath into my life. I know that although my pain is very obvious, his pain stems from seeing me in pain. He did all he could do to make my day joyful even in little ways he probably doesn't even know. Thank you, Sweetheart!
5.08.2011
Happy Mother's Day...
It goes without saying that for women struggling through infertility and struggling seems like an understatment, Mother's Day holds a certain amount of sadness. There are a couple of things that I can think of that make it difficult. Today I am reminded of the fact that I am not a Mother and see no light at the end of that tunnel of non-motherhood, and then there's that birthday lurking just around the corner that will again remind me that I am yet another year older and STILL not a mother. It doesn't help that Mother's Day is on a Sunday. Today I will walk in, likely hear a sermon about how to be a better mother when all I want is to be a mother, period , and then at the end of the sermon, all the mothers will receive a flower... Not that I wish to discount all the mothers out there or want to take away from their happiness, but I HATE Mother's Day. And to be quite honest, I have been thinking all week about why it would be better for me to stay home from church. But alas, I can't do that, because Sunday is not about me, it's about HIM... so I will go, I will worship, I will likely cry through the sermon, and I will pray that my sweet niece does not bring me a flower at the end of the day (not that I wouldn't appreciate, it but again, those constant reminders) cause I'm tired of crying in front of everyone.
I remember feeling this exact same way about Valentine's Day when I was single. It made me sick... all the hype and all the sweet thoughtful gifts and flowers and chocolates and jewelry...all of it going to someone else, passing me by, because I was the dreaded SINGLE person! I HATED Valentine's day, with a passion. It was just that day to remind me, as if I could forget, that I was not in a relationship, I was single.
I can relate to that feeling with Mother's Day and infertility. That constant reminder, as if I could forget, that I am not a Mother. And it makes me question myself... are we ever really content? I mean really? Another one of my least favorite words... And wouldn't you know our Pastor spoke about contentment last week. When I found out that was the title of the message, I leaned over and told Heath I needed to leave. I did not want to sit through that message. Mostly because of my desire for a child.
I sat there listening and learning and the whole time scared out of my mind. You see, I thought my contentment would be dependent on having to let my desire for a child go. I thought that our prayers every single day for a child, were going to become something of our past and not something we could continue with. After all, contentment is being in want of nothing, right? And that's what led up to last Sunday night gathered around our living room with our small group family and my break down. I scurried around getting things ready most of the afternoon, as people began arriving, I busied myself with plates and napkins and cups, I pasted on a smile, but inside I felt like I was being ripped apart. Like all my desires, my aching arms, were going to be stripped away from me and I had no choice, because God calls for contentment. I fidgeted through most of the lesson and just before prayer time started, I had built enough courage to ask the questions that burned inside of me. My closest friends, my small group, they got the brunt of the awkwardness.
So, is it discontent to ask for a child every day? To pour out our hearts and desires to God every day? To continually be pressing forward towards that goal? I thought so, but they set me straight. It isn't discontent to seek after a child. It isn't discontent to ask God every day for a child and to pour out our hearts and desires. It would be discontent (I don't even know if that's the right word) if our desire for a child was pulling us away from God. If it was our consuming fire, our constant thought, our unending motive. It's not. As much as it seems like it to many, it's not. We are still serving, our love for Him and faith in Him grows every day, our desire to see souls reached through Quizzing and the Youth Group is stronger than ever, our Trust that He knows what is best expands beyond what we ever thought was possible, and our love for one another is more than we ever could have imagined.
As painful as Mother's Day, is though, we have to go through it... there's no way around it, no way under it or over it, you have to go through it. Praise God, Praise God, Praise God for His unending strength! Because it's with that strength that I can say those three little words... Happy Mother's Day!
I remember feeling this exact same way about Valentine's Day when I was single. It made me sick... all the hype and all the sweet thoughtful gifts and flowers and chocolates and jewelry...all of it going to someone else, passing me by, because I was the dreaded SINGLE person! I HATED Valentine's day, with a passion. It was just that day to remind me, as if I could forget, that I was not in a relationship, I was single.
I can relate to that feeling with Mother's Day and infertility. That constant reminder, as if I could forget, that I am not a Mother. And it makes me question myself... are we ever really content? I mean really? Another one of my least favorite words... And wouldn't you know our Pastor spoke about contentment last week. When I found out that was the title of the message, I leaned over and told Heath I needed to leave. I did not want to sit through that message. Mostly because of my desire for a child.
I sat there listening and learning and the whole time scared out of my mind. You see, I thought my contentment would be dependent on having to let my desire for a child go. I thought that our prayers every single day for a child, were going to become something of our past and not something we could continue with. After all, contentment is being in want of nothing, right? And that's what led up to last Sunday night gathered around our living room with our small group family and my break down. I scurried around getting things ready most of the afternoon, as people began arriving, I busied myself with plates and napkins and cups, I pasted on a smile, but inside I felt like I was being ripped apart. Like all my desires, my aching arms, were going to be stripped away from me and I had no choice, because God calls for contentment. I fidgeted through most of the lesson and just before prayer time started, I had built enough courage to ask the questions that burned inside of me. My closest friends, my small group, they got the brunt of the awkwardness.
So, is it discontent to ask for a child every day? To pour out our hearts and desires to God every day? To continually be pressing forward towards that goal? I thought so, but they set me straight. It isn't discontent to seek after a child. It isn't discontent to ask God every day for a child and to pour out our hearts and desires. It would be discontent (I don't even know if that's the right word) if our desire for a child was pulling us away from God. If it was our consuming fire, our constant thought, our unending motive. It's not. As much as it seems like it to many, it's not. We are still serving, our love for Him and faith in Him grows every day, our desire to see souls reached through Quizzing and the Youth Group is stronger than ever, our Trust that He knows what is best expands beyond what we ever thought was possible, and our love for one another is more than we ever could have imagined.
As painful as Mother's Day, is though, we have to go through it... there's no way around it, no way under it or over it, you have to go through it. Praise God, Praise God, Praise God for His unending strength! Because it's with that strength that I can say those three little words... Happy Mother's Day!
4.14.2011
Up, Down, and All-Around
Heath has always loved roller coasters. In fact, as we were spring cleaning the basement this week, we came across some old pictures of him and his brothers and some friends on a roller coaster. You know, those crazy photos you get as they flash your picture while you scream into the camera. It was quite hilarious. At any rate, he has always loved them. I don't know if it's the thrill of zooming up and down and all around or the fact that you feel macho having conquered the coaster, or just plain craziness. Whatever it is, he to this day loves them.
I, on the other hand am quite the opposite. It's not that I've never gotten on a roller coaster, or that I may never again, because I probably will. It's more that I don't get the point of it... I feel just fine with my feet planted on the solid ground where I don't have to anticipate being turned upside down and all around. I remember all too often standing in line, a HUGE long line that took over an hour to get to the front of, only to hop on the roller coaster for a 30 second ride. Seriously! How crazy can you be? And if that isn't enough, occassionally while I stood in line ringing my hands in terrified anticipation and watching the coaster do it's thing, I witnessed a most horrifying thing. The coaster, while zooming over the tracks would come to a complete stop and not where it was supposed to. I remember one time the riders were left hanging upside down for a bit of time, not too long, but if I had been on that ride, one second suspended upside down would be too long. This only served to terrify me more, yet I plodded on trusting the friend or family member that pressed me forward. I'm happy to report that I NEVER have gotten stuck on a roller coaster, upside down or otherwise... but as they say there's a first time for everything...
Life is kind of like that... this roller coaster of ups and downs and all arounds. We wait in line, it seems, for the chance to ride the coaster of dating. Once we get off the dating coaster, we rush to the next coolest coaster with even more loops and turns and we hop on the coaster of life called Marriage. Then, if all goes as planned, you join the ranks of those waiting in line for Babies, soon to be followed by the Parents Coaster. And that's where our journey has taken us. No, we haven't quite reached the Parents line, but it will come.
We spent a long while on the dating roller coaster...years actually. Never really finding that one that we wanted to take with us onto the Marriage coaster. Until we met one another, that is... and within a few months we knew that we were going to make the move from that Dating Coaster to the Marriage Coaster. It didn't happen right away, but within a year and a half we were on the Marriage Coaster. I'm very pleased to report that as much as other's told us the first year would be the hardest... it really wasn't. The roller coaster of the first year of marriage was more like a Lazy River than a roller coaster. Really, it still is... except that we hopped on the roller coaster of Infertility. I'm not trying to brag...just when Heath and I look at our marriage, it's been easy. Easy to love one another, easy to agree with one another, easy to keep pressing on... I think it has something to do with our age. But then that seems backward to me too, because we were 28 and 36 when we got married so we should have been more set in our ways... but the adjustment didn't seem like an adjustment at all, but very natural. Maybe it was our age, after all, we had the privilege of watching several marriages and the opportunity to watch what worked and didn't work.
At any rate the Infertility roller coaster is where we are... where we may stay for a while. This is the one that's really throwing us for a loop... really making us question who we are, where our faith lies, and just how much we can stand. It continues to throw us from side to side, up and down, and all around as we wait. We stand in line again and again. Occassionally we see people exit on the other side... the exit that leads to parenthood. But mostly, we see people exit the roller coaster only to wait in line for it once more. The thing about this roller coaster is that it's a "not by choice" roller coaster. Every other roller coaster in life, a person gets to choose... who you will date, who you will marry, a path to a new career... those are things you choose.. Noone has EVER chosen infertility! And yet some of us end up there. If you've ever spent a day at Cedar Point or Great America, you know that after a day of riding roller coasters, you are quite worn out and exhausted, maybe feeling a little bit green. Imagine you were "not by choice" condemned to riding those coasters for 2 years straight... I'd imagine most of us might not survive that. We wouldn't be able to gain nutrition, have any rest, take in liquids, or do any of the things your body needs to do to regain it's strength.
Unfortunately, after 2+ years on the Infertility Roller Coaster, we need a break. We need some recoop time, some time to take in nutrition, have a rest, get our feet firmly rooted on solid ground again. After a month of negative ovulation tests, negative pregnancy test, and hope beyond all hope... we see no signs of pregnancy or ovulation. While that could be very disheartening and it is, we're also ok. We aren't giving up, we just need a time out. In 31 days we are headed to FL for a couple of weeks. We are counting the days and so ready to just kick back and focus on life, our marriage, our family, our friends, and not have to worry about baby stuff for a little bit. Not that we won't think about it... it's always there, that ache for a baby of our own to hold. But it's time to just breathe. Then when we have caught our breath from all the ups, downs, loops, and turns, we will hop back on again and press forward. I'm not sure how many posts I will have between now and then... but please pray with us that God will show his power in our lives and bodies and bring us closer to Him during this "breathe" session.
I, on the other hand am quite the opposite. It's not that I've never gotten on a roller coaster, or that I may never again, because I probably will. It's more that I don't get the point of it... I feel just fine with my feet planted on the solid ground where I don't have to anticipate being turned upside down and all around. I remember all too often standing in line, a HUGE long line that took over an hour to get to the front of, only to hop on the roller coaster for a 30 second ride. Seriously! How crazy can you be? And if that isn't enough, occassionally while I stood in line ringing my hands in terrified anticipation and watching the coaster do it's thing, I witnessed a most horrifying thing. The coaster, while zooming over the tracks would come to a complete stop and not where it was supposed to. I remember one time the riders were left hanging upside down for a bit of time, not too long, but if I had been on that ride, one second suspended upside down would be too long. This only served to terrify me more, yet I plodded on trusting the friend or family member that pressed me forward. I'm happy to report that I NEVER have gotten stuck on a roller coaster, upside down or otherwise... but as they say there's a first time for everything...
Life is kind of like that... this roller coaster of ups and downs and all arounds. We wait in line, it seems, for the chance to ride the coaster of dating. Once we get off the dating coaster, we rush to the next coolest coaster with even more loops and turns and we hop on the coaster of life called Marriage. Then, if all goes as planned, you join the ranks of those waiting in line for Babies, soon to be followed by the Parents Coaster. And that's where our journey has taken us. No, we haven't quite reached the Parents line, but it will come.
We spent a long while on the dating roller coaster...years actually. Never really finding that one that we wanted to take with us onto the Marriage coaster. Until we met one another, that is... and within a few months we knew that we were going to make the move from that Dating Coaster to the Marriage Coaster. It didn't happen right away, but within a year and a half we were on the Marriage Coaster. I'm very pleased to report that as much as other's told us the first year would be the hardest... it really wasn't. The roller coaster of the first year of marriage was more like a Lazy River than a roller coaster. Really, it still is... except that we hopped on the roller coaster of Infertility. I'm not trying to brag...just when Heath and I look at our marriage, it's been easy. Easy to love one another, easy to agree with one another, easy to keep pressing on... I think it has something to do with our age. But then that seems backward to me too, because we were 28 and 36 when we got married so we should have been more set in our ways... but the adjustment didn't seem like an adjustment at all, but very natural. Maybe it was our age, after all, we had the privilege of watching several marriages and the opportunity to watch what worked and didn't work.
At any rate the Infertility roller coaster is where we are... where we may stay for a while. This is the one that's really throwing us for a loop... really making us question who we are, where our faith lies, and just how much we can stand. It continues to throw us from side to side, up and down, and all around as we wait. We stand in line again and again. Occassionally we see people exit on the other side... the exit that leads to parenthood. But mostly, we see people exit the roller coaster only to wait in line for it once more. The thing about this roller coaster is that it's a "not by choice" roller coaster. Every other roller coaster in life, a person gets to choose... who you will date, who you will marry, a path to a new career... those are things you choose.. Noone has EVER chosen infertility! And yet some of us end up there. If you've ever spent a day at Cedar Point or Great America, you know that after a day of riding roller coasters, you are quite worn out and exhausted, maybe feeling a little bit green. Imagine you were "not by choice" condemned to riding those coasters for 2 years straight... I'd imagine most of us might not survive that. We wouldn't be able to gain nutrition, have any rest, take in liquids, or do any of the things your body needs to do to regain it's strength.
Unfortunately, after 2+ years on the Infertility Roller Coaster, we need a break. We need some recoop time, some time to take in nutrition, have a rest, get our feet firmly rooted on solid ground again. After a month of negative ovulation tests, negative pregnancy test, and hope beyond all hope... we see no signs of pregnancy or ovulation. While that could be very disheartening and it is, we're also ok. We aren't giving up, we just need a time out. In 31 days we are headed to FL for a couple of weeks. We are counting the days and so ready to just kick back and focus on life, our marriage, our family, our friends, and not have to worry about baby stuff for a little bit. Not that we won't think about it... it's always there, that ache for a baby of our own to hold. But it's time to just breathe. Then when we have caught our breath from all the ups, downs, loops, and turns, we will hop back on again and press forward. I'm not sure how many posts I will have between now and then... but please pray with us that God will show his power in our lives and bodies and bring us closer to Him during this "breathe" session.
3.22.2011
The Thing about Infertility
It goes without saying that the journey down the road of infertility is hard. The ups and downs are constant. Sometimes the downs last only minutes and other times they last longer and go deeper than any of the joys you can highlight from the journey. I often commented that I don't know how a person gets through something this personal and emotional without the Love and hope of the Father... and at the same time, a believer may have a more difficult time. You see, Satan, doesn't really care about those that don't put their trust in the One True God. He'd rather spend his time working on the one's that do put their trust in the One True God. That's when those down times become even more potent and painful... because as much as you want to get back up and try again, Satan kicks you when your down. He begins talking and sometimes we begin listening and before we know what's hit us, we are in a deep pit of downness (new word!). A pit that doesn't even allow you to see the light of day and the little joys of life. Instead you begin this self pity party, you become jealous of anything and everything that everyone else seems to have that you don't, you spend your time thinking about what you don't have instead of what you do have, and before you know it, your life and the life of those closest to you is miserable.
I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.
I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.
For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...
Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)
Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!
With Power from My God,
Lisa
The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....
I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.
I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.
For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...
Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)
Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!
With Power from My God,
Lisa
The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....
3.10.2011
Change in Plans...
It is amazing to me how God works when we least expect it. Not that we expect Him not to work, but a lot of times, I think we get caught up in the factual elements of our situation and forget that God is far from only factual... He doesn't need big bank accounts or medicine deposits or endorsements from well-knowns to accomplish His purpose in our lives. No, all He needs is a person willing and ready to be used by Him in a powerful way.
It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.
I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.
Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.
I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!
I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.
We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.
We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!
Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!
It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.
I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.
Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.
I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!
I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.
We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.
We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!
Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!
3.03.2011
I have thought about and started this blog many times. So many words have passed through my mind, I'm not sure what ones I should actually use. Not sure what ones are the important ones to post. I know this, God is speaking to me lately and I need to share with you just how.
Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.
We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.
We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.
It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.
The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.
I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"
Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.
We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.
We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.
It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.
The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.
I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"
2.16.2011
Seize Every Opportunity
It's funny the things people say to you about babies. I'm not talking about the ones that tell you about how "your time will come" and "the prize is well worth the wait" and all the other cliches that we, as a couple struggling through infertility, come to despise. We smile, nod our heads in agreement, and move on. No, I'm talking about the comments people make when you actually do have a baby in your arms. Granted, it may not be your own like in our case, but still... the things people say are funny.
A couple of days ago I took our neighbor's 3 month old, that I care for regularly, out to Walmart. My plan was to scoot in while she was happy and get a few things and exchange Heath's shirts for the correct size. Heath was with me but had gone to look for a couple of things while I stood in line at the Customer Service counter. Baby decided it was time to eat, so I stood holding her bottle while we waited. A couple, probably older than us, came up behind me. By that time the baby had finished eating and was smiling away at me as I clicked my tongue at her. So precious! I found the couple behind me smiling intently at us. They asked how old she was "3 months" I replied. They commented "You are very lucky to have a little girl, and a smiling one at that." As I've done with my niece when I was out and about with her, I didn't claim her as my own, but didn't tell them she wasn't mine either. I wasn't being weird or anything, just sometimes it's not best to have to go into detail about why you have this child that's not yours... Anyway, all I said to their comment was "Yes, thanks!" But I kinda got caught up in their eyes... they seemed full of pain and desire. Somewhat like I think mine look when I see/think about babies. As I am typing this I feel so badly that I didn't speak up, explain that she was not mine, and then share with them that we also are struggling with empty arms. Share with them some kind of hope. Maybe give them a smile and let them know that they are not alone in their journey. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I do agree. Afterwards as I was relaying the story to Heath, I could think of all kinds of things to say... just in the moment, my brain was blank. I don't know for sure what their situation is, but I know this... I may have missed an opportunity to reach out to a hurting soul. Whether they were aching from the fact that they don'thave children or aching from the loss of a child... I wish I could turn back time and comfort them in some way.
Yesterday I took a trip to the movie store to pick up a couple of our freebies for the month. While I was there, Aurelia (the neighbor's baby), was quietly cooing in her carseat. It's funny cause there were only 3 people in the store besides the workers. Aurelia, myself, and this teddy bear of a black man with a cigar sticking out of his mouth. I secretly love the smell of cigar smoke. While he was not smoking it, the scent clung to his clothes and wafted behind him as he walked. For some odd reason, we continued to run into each other, even as big as the store is. So, I was not surprised at all when he ended up in line behind me. He began to talk to me as I was checking out and commented on Aurelia. "That's some handsome baby you have there" he said. I smiled and said "Thank you!" He said, "Wait, is that your baby?" I didn't hear him at first because I was talking to the cashier, so he repeated "Is that your child?" "No," I responded "It's our neighbor baby that I'm babysitting". "Well you make sure you take her back to her mama, then." It kind of made me chuckle... this complete stranger was reminding me that the baby wasn't mine and I needed to return her. He said it again as I was walking out the door. "You take her back, now, ya hear!" "I will!" I promised.
You see, it doesn't matter who you run into when you have a baby, they always have something to say. And it doesn't matter who you run into when you're trying to have a baby, they always have some piece of advice. The question is, How do you respond? Do you smile, nod your head, and move on? Or do you seize every opportunity to reach out to the hurting soul and be an example of Christ amidst your own hurt?
Some may say that my brutal honesty on this blog is a little offensive. Others may think that it's too personal of a situation to be sharing with the cyber world. They may think it's not Biblical to air my dirty laundry for the whole world to see. But let me assure you that, to me, it is a means for me to seize the opportunity each time I post to reach out to another hurting soul. It's an opportunity for me to share my faith in the midst of this huge roller coaster of infertility and a way for me to challenge others to build their faith! Praise God, for giving me the words to share that may in some way, shape, or form reach another person for Christ!
A couple of days ago I took our neighbor's 3 month old, that I care for regularly, out to Walmart. My plan was to scoot in while she was happy and get a few things and exchange Heath's shirts for the correct size. Heath was with me but had gone to look for a couple of things while I stood in line at the Customer Service counter. Baby decided it was time to eat, so I stood holding her bottle while we waited. A couple, probably older than us, came up behind me. By that time the baby had finished eating and was smiling away at me as I clicked my tongue at her. So precious! I found the couple behind me smiling intently at us. They asked how old she was "3 months" I replied. They commented "You are very lucky to have a little girl, and a smiling one at that." As I've done with my niece when I was out and about with her, I didn't claim her as my own, but didn't tell them she wasn't mine either. I wasn't being weird or anything, just sometimes it's not best to have to go into detail about why you have this child that's not yours... Anyway, all I said to their comment was "Yes, thanks!" But I kinda got caught up in their eyes... they seemed full of pain and desire. Somewhat like I think mine look when I see/think about babies. As I am typing this I feel so badly that I didn't speak up, explain that she was not mine, and then share with them that we also are struggling with empty arms. Share with them some kind of hope. Maybe give them a smile and let them know that they are not alone in their journey. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I do agree. Afterwards as I was relaying the story to Heath, I could think of all kinds of things to say... just in the moment, my brain was blank. I don't know for sure what their situation is, but I know this... I may have missed an opportunity to reach out to a hurting soul. Whether they were aching from the fact that they don'thave children or aching from the loss of a child... I wish I could turn back time and comfort them in some way.
Yesterday I took a trip to the movie store to pick up a couple of our freebies for the month. While I was there, Aurelia (the neighbor's baby), was quietly cooing in her carseat. It's funny cause there were only 3 people in the store besides the workers. Aurelia, myself, and this teddy bear of a black man with a cigar sticking out of his mouth. I secretly love the smell of cigar smoke. While he was not smoking it, the scent clung to his clothes and wafted behind him as he walked. For some odd reason, we continued to run into each other, even as big as the store is. So, I was not surprised at all when he ended up in line behind me. He began to talk to me as I was checking out and commented on Aurelia. "That's some handsome baby you have there" he said. I smiled and said "Thank you!" He said, "Wait, is that your baby?" I didn't hear him at first because I was talking to the cashier, so he repeated "Is that your child?" "No," I responded "It's our neighbor baby that I'm babysitting". "Well you make sure you take her back to her mama, then." It kind of made me chuckle... this complete stranger was reminding me that the baby wasn't mine and I needed to return her. He said it again as I was walking out the door. "You take her back, now, ya hear!" "I will!" I promised.
You see, it doesn't matter who you run into when you have a baby, they always have something to say. And it doesn't matter who you run into when you're trying to have a baby, they always have some piece of advice. The question is, How do you respond? Do you smile, nod your head, and move on? Or do you seize every opportunity to reach out to the hurting soul and be an example of Christ amidst your own hurt?
Some may say that my brutal honesty on this blog is a little offensive. Others may think that it's too personal of a situation to be sharing with the cyber world. They may think it's not Biblical to air my dirty laundry for the whole world to see. But let me assure you that, to me, it is a means for me to seize the opportunity each time I post to reach out to another hurting soul. It's an opportunity for me to share my faith in the midst of this huge roller coaster of infertility and a way for me to challenge others to build their faith! Praise God, for giving me the words to share that may in some way, shape, or form reach another person for Christ!
1.29.2011
Praying for Direction
We attended the Fertility Seminar at the Fertility Center with Dr. Dodds on the 13th of this month. We left so excited, feeling good and like we were headed in the right direction. The information we received was abundant, but very good. It seems as though Dr. Pete has taken us through all of the pre-liminary steps that Dr. Dodds would do for a new patient. That's encouraging, because when/if we do move on to The Fertility Center, we will be able to start in soon with treatments that will hopefully work. Dr. Dodds seems to have a lot of experience with PCOS and Endometriosis and their pregnancy rate is the highest in the country.
We though we had overcome the insurance issue. Not too long ago, the Fertility Center added a 3rd doctor to their practice. He happened to be an in-network provided, unfortunately not through the Fertility Center, but with his other practices. Adter several conversations with the insurance company, they assured me that if my Primary Care Physician would refer us to the new doctor, that would be authorization for coverage even if we didn't end up seeing Dr. Leach each time beacause of the time-sensitive nature of infertility.
As I waited for my Dr. to call with the referral appt and such, I felt uneasy... unwilling to believe that what the insurance company said on that specific day, was actually going to pan out. I feel like I tread lightly and every time I call them, I get a different answer... one time it will be good news, the next they dash my hopes. This time was no different. I called once again to confirm the appts and the coverage. No such blessing! There is absolutely no way for us to see Dr. Leach, Dodds, or Young at the Fertility Center and receive coverage. The only way would be if there were no other specialist in the area. Unfortunately, Dr. Daly, whom we have not heard great things about is the only in-network Fertility Specialist in the area. They told me, he's your only option. If he's my only option, how is that an option... if we have no other choice?
I get so angry! I'm angry that I can't give my husband the family he desires. I'm angry that insurance companies are completely ridiculous with all their regulations and hoops to jump through. I'm angry because our options don't even seem like options, but instead impossibilities. Yes, we are blessed that we have 50% coverage for fertility treatments, but at what cost? We are forced to see impersonal, insensitive doctors because that's all that the insurance company will pay for.
In my moment of tears and weakness (a very long one, I might add) I did a request online for insurance coverage. I guess my thought, crazy as it might be, was that maybe we could get insurance that had more options for doctors. Moments later I was ambushed (ha!) with numerous calls and emails from insurance agents. Stupid me! Did you know that most individual insurance companies will deny you because of infertility AND they are doing away with Maternity coverage too. I don't understand... this world we live in... the insurance companies will cover a woman killing her innocent baby, but refuses to even allow healthcare for expectant mothers or those that desire to have a family. As much as it hurts my heart, I imagine it is so much more painful for our Father who created life.
I know this seems like a complaining post.. perhaps it is.. if you are or have ever struggled with infertility, then you know the pain things like this cause. You know the struggles that we face each day and the ache that settles in your heart and dictates how you respond to things of these nature.
Yet again, we are unsure where we are headed. Do we go to the Fertility Center, not covered, and step out in faith? We feel like the Center is a very promising place. Do we ignore what our heart is saying and see Dr. Daly? Do we forget the dream of having biological children and check out adoption? And if we do... any of these, where is the money coming from? I know that at The Fertility Center, they often have donated medicines and procedures that they write off, so do we trust that that is where God wants us and press on? How do we know where God wants us? I feel so positive about The Fertility Center, but what does that mean? Am I just scared to face Dr. Daly and his poor bedside manner? And, if God can proved 50%of the money for us to see Dr. Daly, then he get provide 100% to see Dr. Dodds.
Father, so many things going through our minds and settling on our hearts. Lord, you know our desires. YOu know the BEST path for us. Please make our path clear. Show us exactly what you have planned and help us to trust in you no matter the difficulty. We know you know Best and we want what your will is for our lives. Keep us strong, let our love continue to grow, give us direction...
We though we had overcome the insurance issue. Not too long ago, the Fertility Center added a 3rd doctor to their practice. He happened to be an in-network provided, unfortunately not through the Fertility Center, but with his other practices. Adter several conversations with the insurance company, they assured me that if my Primary Care Physician would refer us to the new doctor, that would be authorization for coverage even if we didn't end up seeing Dr. Leach each time beacause of the time-sensitive nature of infertility.
As I waited for my Dr. to call with the referral appt and such, I felt uneasy... unwilling to believe that what the insurance company said on that specific day, was actually going to pan out. I feel like I tread lightly and every time I call them, I get a different answer... one time it will be good news, the next they dash my hopes. This time was no different. I called once again to confirm the appts and the coverage. No such blessing! There is absolutely no way for us to see Dr. Leach, Dodds, or Young at the Fertility Center and receive coverage. The only way would be if there were no other specialist in the area. Unfortunately, Dr. Daly, whom we have not heard great things about is the only in-network Fertility Specialist in the area. They told me, he's your only option. If he's my only option, how is that an option... if we have no other choice?
I get so angry! I'm angry that I can't give my husband the family he desires. I'm angry that insurance companies are completely ridiculous with all their regulations and hoops to jump through. I'm angry because our options don't even seem like options, but instead impossibilities. Yes, we are blessed that we have 50% coverage for fertility treatments, but at what cost? We are forced to see impersonal, insensitive doctors because that's all that the insurance company will pay for.
In my moment of tears and weakness (a very long one, I might add) I did a request online for insurance coverage. I guess my thought, crazy as it might be, was that maybe we could get insurance that had more options for doctors. Moments later I was ambushed (ha!) with numerous calls and emails from insurance agents. Stupid me! Did you know that most individual insurance companies will deny you because of infertility AND they are doing away with Maternity coverage too. I don't understand... this world we live in... the insurance companies will cover a woman killing her innocent baby, but refuses to even allow healthcare for expectant mothers or those that desire to have a family. As much as it hurts my heart, I imagine it is so much more painful for our Father who created life.
I know this seems like a complaining post.. perhaps it is.. if you are or have ever struggled with infertility, then you know the pain things like this cause. You know the struggles that we face each day and the ache that settles in your heart and dictates how you respond to things of these nature.
Yet again, we are unsure where we are headed. Do we go to the Fertility Center, not covered, and step out in faith? We feel like the Center is a very promising place. Do we ignore what our heart is saying and see Dr. Daly? Do we forget the dream of having biological children and check out adoption? And if we do... any of these, where is the money coming from? I know that at The Fertility Center, they often have donated medicines and procedures that they write off, so do we trust that that is where God wants us and press on? How do we know where God wants us? I feel so positive about The Fertility Center, but what does that mean? Am I just scared to face Dr. Daly and his poor bedside manner? And, if God can proved 50%of the money for us to see Dr. Daly, then he get provide 100% to see Dr. Dodds.
Father, so many things going through our minds and settling on our hearts. Lord, you know our desires. YOu know the BEST path for us. Please make our path clear. Show us exactly what you have planned and help us to trust in you no matter the difficulty. We know you know Best and we want what your will is for our lives. Keep us strong, let our love continue to grow, give us direction...
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