The Thing about Infertility

It goes without saying that the journey down the road of infertility is hard. The ups and downs are constant. Sometimes the downs last only minutes and other times they last longer and go deeper than any of the joys you can highlight from the journey. I often commented that I don't know how a person gets through something this personal and emotional without the Love and hope of the Father... and at the same time, a believer may have a more difficult time. You see, Satan, doesn't really care about those that don't put their trust in the One True God. He'd rather spend his time working on the one's that do put their trust in the One True God. That's when those down times become even more potent and painful... because as much as you want to get back up and try again, Satan kicks you when your down. He begins talking and sometimes we begin listening and before we know what's hit us, we are in a deep pit of downness (new word!). A pit that doesn't even allow you to see the light of day and the little joys of life. Instead you begin this self pity party, you become jealous of anything and everything that everyone else seems to have that you don't, you spend your time thinking about what you don't have instead of what you do have, and before you know it, your life and the life of those closest to you is miserable.

I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.

I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.

For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...

Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)

Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!

With Power from My God,
Lisa


The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....