What We Learned

It goes without saying that we learned a lot over the course of the last month. It also goes without saying that some of those lessons learned were painful. Very painful. While some of the lessons were painful, we're still thankful that we are traveling the road we are. Not thankful that we have to struggle through infertility, but thankful for what God is accomplishing in and through us as we struggle.

So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.

Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.

Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.

Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.

Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.

Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.

Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.

Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.

Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.

Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.

Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)

So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.