The Mystery of God

I've always loved to sit down with a good mystery book or snuggle up next to Heath and watch a good mystery movie or TV show. You know the "whodunnit" kind. The ones where the story catches you in the beginning, holds you through the middle, and surprises you at the end. Heath is a very good mystery solver, so sometimes it's not always as fun. I on the other hand, although I've gotten better over the years, could not solve a mystery if my life depended on it. Let's just say I would not make a very good detective. So, thank the Lord, I wasn't put on the earth to be a detective.

Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.

But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.

Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.

The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?

God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.

Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.

I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!