Have you ever lost your car in a parking lot? I can now say that I have. It's rather embarrassing to admit. After shopping for groceries this afternoon, I walked out of Meijer and immediately could not remember where I parked or even recall which row I had walked down when I entered the store. Not to worry, I began to wander down the row straight in front of the store and found a blue van that I thought was mine. Walking around to the back of the van, I pressed the unlock button, and lifted the gate only to notice that I didn't recognize the license plate #. Rolling my eyes and probably turning beat red, I shut the door and walked rather quickly, like almost ran, away from the van hoping that the owner was not watching me break into their van which was not really breaking in since it had been left unlocked. Looking around for my van, I began to wander aimlessly through the parking lot panicking a little bit more as each minute passed. I then remembered that I had parked somewhere in the first 3 rows, but I could not spy any other blue vans. I felt like such a moran because I walked through the parking lot, pressing the lock button hoping that the van would honk so I could find it. Amazingly, as I got closer to that blue van again, it honked! I'm so stupid! It was my van all along and it has Heath's license plate# on it... one which I was not that familiar with. I'd like to have a really good reason for doing something so brainless... but well, it's been kind of a numbing day, and this mishap is just a result of that.

Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.

Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.

Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.

We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.

I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!