It goes without saying that for women struggling through infertility and struggling seems like an understatment, Mother's Day holds a certain amount of sadness. There are a couple of things that I can think of that make it difficult. Today I am reminded of the fact that I am not a Mother and see no light at the end of that tunnel of non-motherhood, and then there's that birthday lurking just around the corner that will again remind me that I am yet another year older and STILL not a mother. It doesn't help that Mother's Day is on a Sunday. Today I will walk in, likely hear a sermon about how to be a better mother when all I want is to be a mother, period , and then at the end of the sermon, all the mothers will receive a flower... Not that I wish to discount all the mothers out there or want to take away from their happiness, but I HATE Mother's Day. And to be quite honest, I have been thinking all week about why it would be better for me to stay home from church. But alas, I can't do that, because Sunday is not about me, it's about HIM... so I will go, I will worship, I will likely cry through the sermon, and I will pray that my sweet niece does not bring me a flower at the end of the day (not that I wouldn't appreciate, it but again, those constant reminders) cause I'm tired of crying in front of everyone.
I remember feeling this exact same way about Valentine's Day when I was single. It made me sick... all the hype and all the sweet thoughtful gifts and flowers and chocolates and jewelry...all of it going to someone else, passing me by, because I was the dreaded SINGLE person! I HATED Valentine's day, with a passion. It was just that day to remind me, as if I could forget, that I was not in a relationship, I was single.
I can relate to that feeling with Mother's Day and infertility. That constant reminder, as if I could forget, that I am not a Mother. And it makes me question myself... are we ever really content? I mean really? Another one of my least favorite words... And wouldn't you know our Pastor spoke about contentment last week. When I found out that was the title of the message, I leaned over and told Heath I needed to leave. I did not want to sit through that message. Mostly because of my desire for a child.
I sat there listening and learning and the whole time scared out of my mind. You see, I thought my contentment would be dependent on having to let my desire for a child go. I thought that our prayers every single day for a child, were going to become something of our past and not something we could continue with. After all, contentment is being in want of nothing, right? And that's what led up to last Sunday night gathered around our living room with our small group family and my break down. I scurried around getting things ready most of the afternoon, as people began arriving, I busied myself with plates and napkins and cups, I pasted on a smile, but inside I felt like I was being ripped apart. Like all my desires, my aching arms, were going to be stripped away from me and I had no choice, because God calls for contentment. I fidgeted through most of the lesson and just before prayer time started, I had built enough courage to ask the questions that burned inside of me. My closest friends, my small group, they got the brunt of the awkwardness.
So, is it discontent to ask for a child every day? To pour out our hearts and desires to God every day? To continually be pressing forward towards that goal? I thought so, but they set me straight. It isn't discontent to seek after a child. It isn't discontent to ask God every day for a child and to pour out our hearts and desires. It would be discontent (I don't even know if that's the right word) if our desire for a child was pulling us away from God. If it was our consuming fire, our constant thought, our unending motive. It's not. As much as it seems like it to many, it's not. We are still serving, our love for Him and faith in Him grows every day, our desire to see souls reached through Quizzing and the Youth Group is stronger than ever, our Trust that He knows what is best expands beyond what we ever thought was possible, and our love for one another is more than we ever could have imagined.
As painful as Mother's Day, is though, we have to go through it... there's no way around it, no way under it or over it, you have to go through it. Praise God, Praise God, Praise God for His unending strength! Because it's with that strength that I can say those three little words... Happy Mother's Day!
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