I think probably one of the hardest things to deal with when struggling through infertility, is the way that other's react to your struggle. It's difficult to remember that they haven't been there and they don't understand all the ins and outs of it. They don't really know how you feel, even though they would like to help in that way. People don't realize how their words can bring an infertile women to her knees in pain.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
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