It goes without saying that we learned a lot over the course of the last month. It also goes without saying that some of those lessons learned were painful. Very painful. While some of the lessons were painful, we're still thankful that we are traveling the road we are. Not thankful that we have to struggle through infertility, but thankful for what God is accomplishing in and through us as we struggle.
So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.
Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.
Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.
Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.
Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.
Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.
Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.
Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.
Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.
Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.
Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)
So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.
10.20.2011
10.19.2011
I read a quote the other day that said "Stop worrying about how far you have to go and consider instead how far you've come." I guess that's totally something I needed to hear. Course, then nearly everytime I hear advice, it's something I need to hear.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
10.11.2011
My Husband!
I've recently been very aware of my husband's role in my life. While I know this post will fall far short of the gratitude and admiration I have for him, I believe it's only fair to brag on him a while.
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
10.08.2011
We're Getting There....
I have started this post many times in my head. I go back and forth about how much or how little to share of our journey. At some points I think "that's way too personal to share" and at other points I think "yes, it's painfully honest and personal, but it's truth and it's fact and it answers a lot of people's questions." I'm still not sure where exactly the line is, but I guess I just go with the flow. The main purpose of this blog was to give us a place to release some of the emotions, joy, excitement, frustration, anger that is all to common when struggling with infertility. Yes, I realize that I have a few readers, maybe more than I know, but the main purpose isn't to inform my readers, but to reflect on what we're learning in hopes of possibly reaching out to someone struggling in the same way or even just struggling.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
10.05.2011
The Mystery of God
I've always loved to sit down with a good mystery book or snuggle up next to Heath and watch a good mystery movie or TV show. You know the "whodunnit" kind. The ones where the story catches you in the beginning, holds you through the middle, and surprises you at the end. Heath is a very good mystery solver, so sometimes it's not always as fun. I on the other hand, although I've gotten better over the years, could not solve a mystery if my life depended on it. Let's just say I would not make a very good detective. So, thank the Lord, I wasn't put on the earth to be a detective.
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
10.02.2011
Common People, Uncommon Purpose
I think probably one of the hardest things to deal with when struggling through infertility, is the way that other's react to your struggle. It's difficult to remember that they haven't been there and they don't understand all the ins and outs of it. They don't really know how you feel, even though they would like to help in that way. People don't realize how their words can bring an infertile women to her knees in pain.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
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