Chapter Closed

It's been over a year since my last post. So many times I have begun a post and so many times I walked away unable to put into words my thoughts and feelings. Even now, I'm not sure these words can encompass all that is in my heart.

A year....A long, hard, most difficult year. And in that year, we have been through our third and fourth unsuccessful embryo transfers...the fourth one being our final attempt. In a year, we ushered not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR of our precious babies into the arms of our Savior, their Father. And those arms, the ever-loving arms that have faithfully held us through our journey, now hold our babies. Nine of them. It seems harsh and cruel and unbearably painful that the babies which we had so hoped to hold in our arms, the babies that we loved from before they were even conceived, were not allowed to be, but were instead pulled from our grasp. But alas, they were never really in our grasp. They were never really our babies. They were always His...

There are days that I think I might never get past the pain. Days that feel so overwhelming and I feel at such a loss as to exactly how I should be feeling or how I should be acting. I want to handle this pain with grace and poise and not be the weeping mess that I sometimes feel like. I want to make it through a single staff meeting without the embarrassing tears that always threaten. I want to pull myself together and put it all behind me, but then this journey has been such a part of me, of us, for so long that I'm just not quite sure how to do that. And then I think, do I even want to do that? We have been changed, we have been molded, we are better people and our faith is stronger because of it, so do I want to wipe the past away? Probably not. I want to remember!

From day one, I have always said that there really is NO good reason that anyone should have to go through the pain of infertility... and truthfully there isn't... EXCEPT that there is.. because the Bible says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work to that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4) It's growing us, changing us, making us mature and complete in Christ. Is it painful? You betcha! Does it feel like it's more than we can handle? Most days.. and that's because it IS more than we can handle. Last week, our pastor preached on the fallacy of the statement "He'll never give us more than we can handle!" Isn't that what we all say in the face of pain and struggling and disappointment and hurt? But it's not true. He DOES give us more than we can handle... otherwise, why would we need HIM? As I was preparing the bulletin and reading through the points that Pastor Kevin had given me to put into the bulletin, I began to weep. I was so overwhelmed and let's face it, a bit angry by the third point in his sermon that I promptly stopped typing, marched to his office down the hall, knocked (and I'm not even sure that I waited for him to answer before barging in) and had this conversation:

"I am NOT coming to church on Sunday because I do NOT want to hear what you have to say."

"Ok! But tell me why."

"If God has promised not to give me more than HE can sustain me through or deliver me from, then that means that I just have to sit back and take what he throws at me... because He can sustain me through and deliver me from anything, but sometimes He doesn't"

I was angry! But God was working even in my anger... through Pastor Kevin and IN me. He shared with me, the very verse, among others,  that I had been working on learning "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:17-18) God might not deliver us from the trials we face... at least not this side of heaven. But there is HOPE! There is a greater purpose to our suffering. This world, our pain, our suffering, the hurt and disappointments we face are light and momentary. They are just a blip in the big picture.. and the big picture, the ETERNAL glory that is coming, is so much more than what is weighing us down right now. Our pain is meant to pull our eyes off us where they never should have been and instead be fixed on Him who allowed the pain, but walked with us through it. (By the way, I DID go to church last Sunday, and was hugely blessed by the sermon... so take that, Satan!)

There have been so many of you who have walked with us on this journey. Our families, our friends, our prayer warriors. We are so grateful for your support, your hugs, your shoulders to cry on. We are thankful for every phone call and every card and every "I'm praying for you" text. We are overwhelmed by your love and so blessed by your kindness.

It is with heavy hearts that we close this chapter of our lives... a chapter we had so hoped and prayed would be the beginning. It has been a long 5 years! We don't know what the future holds. We are not giving up on our dream of being parents... We still believe that our God is indeed a God of miracles and that with one thought, one word, one breath He could work in my body and create life. For now, though, we are taking a breather, a time to rest, we are taking this season in our lives to continue to pray and seek the Lord's good and perfect will for our family.

 Many of you have mentioned or asked us about adoption. Yes, it's on our radar. Yes, we could see ourselves being parents through adoption. Yes, it's a WHOLE LOT of money that we do not have and Yes, we are trusting that IF it is God's plan for us, HE will make it very clear to us and provide all that we need. In the meantime, we will trust, we will wait, we will rest in His Word and in His ever loving arms.

Our prayer- That we would faithfully be seeking His face, that we would be sensitive to His voice, and that we would be obedient to His call. Would you consider praying with us?

Mountains and Valleys

A couple of days ago I found myself lying in bed crying out to God to save me from the heartache of empty arms. I cried on behalf of my husband who has been waiting for so long to hold our baby. I cried for our babies that we have lost and that He now holds. I cried for the babies we hope to hold some day, and I cried for my arms and my heart that ache every day for our little ones. Ones that I'm not even sure God has planned for us.

It's hard to even put into words the mountains and valleys of emotion that we've faced throughout this journey... a journey that as of right now is not over.

As I lay there, I realized that so often, too often really, I have taken the burden of this journey on my own shoulders.  I have spent countless hours weeping over the fact that I failed my husband again. Each time the test came back negative, each time we were faced with a large medical bill, each time my body didn't do what it was supposed to do, I took that burden. I accepted that as MY failure. I beat myself up about it, I felt guilty, I fell into bouts of depression over something that is not my fault. That's hard on a person... and I can't imagine it has helped the situation at all. It certainly hasn't made me feel upbeat and joyful about any of it.

I have second guessed God's will, His love, the power of prayer, and His faithfulness. I have wondered over and over again just what I had done so wrong that He would withhold something so desired and so beautiful from me. I have begged and pleaded with Him to grant this desire of our hearts so that I could feel full and worthy and loved. I have cried and been grumpy with my husband because of medicines I HATE. I have been a basket case at baby showers and birthday parties and holiday gatherings because of my own lack of self-worth, which I've thought for so long was tied to whether I was a mother or not. I have wished the empty arms away and wondered what I did to deserve this pain. I have asked over and over again for something that God hasn't seen fit to bless me with yet. I have felt resentment as others share their stories of God answering their prayers and have wondered where God is in my story. I have been angry as I watch others receive and take advantage of the very precious gift I fight for every day. I have lied and told people "I'm fine" when really I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping away the pain... mostly because if I tell them how I really am, I couldn't bare to put on a smile and listen as they share the "cliche's" that I already know. I have not been ok and I'm still not and that's ok, because it's not my burden to bear! I'm not in control... as much as  I think I'd like to be, there is someone much more qualified than I could ever hope to be, who has got my back on this one. He's my FATHER GOD and He's amazing. He is the ultimate desire of our hearts... beyond love, and marriage, and baby, He's what we want... His Will, not our own. And it's not ok for me to be angry or wondering why this or why that, because not everything that we go through is meant to be understood, but everything that we go through is passed through His hands first and meant to ultimately glorify Him. So it's not ok, it's far from ok for me to behave as if it's my fault or my issue... it's not It's God's Perfect Design for my Life!

Over the past few weeks we have been going through a series at church called "Come and Die", an in-depth look at the words so well known in Luke 9:23-24... "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whosoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my My sake will save it." We have talked about the cost of surrendering our lives for Christ. We've discussed not only the things we might lose, but the more that we will gain. Our pastor has been writing daily devotionals for us and there is one that really hit home. As Heath and I read through the Scripture and devotional, I could not keep from weeping. Here's what caught me and changed the way I was thinking and acting : Usually when something bad happens to us, our first question is, “What did I do to deserve this?”. Or we ask, “What is God trying to teach me?”, and we try to figure out the lesson as quickly as possible so that we can escape the uncomfortableness of the trial or suffering. But what if God’s answer to us in the midst of these situations is the same as Jesus’ answer to his disciples? (Luke 9:1-7)  “No one sinned”, “you didn’t do anything wrong”, “I’m not waiting for you to learn something and then I’ll stop with the trial”. What if God’s answer is, “I’m letting you go through this, so that through you and your circumstance others may see me!” What if the bad thing that you wish would go away is God revealing himself to your friends and family through you? What if it’s the way He is choosing to grow your faith and reveal his sufficiency to not only you, but to all those you come in contact with? What if, just like the man born blind, God has allowed such a thing so that in this very moment you could shine the light of his gospel into a dark world that so desperately needs to see Jesus? Remember this, God never promised you wouldn’t have troubles in this world, He only promised that you’d never have to face those troubles alone!

Never again will I second Guess God's love, His faithfulness, the power of prayer, or His will for my life. I know now that His will is right where I am, His love is never ending and always abounding, His faithfulness is new every morning, and prayer is the most powerful and only thing I have to combat this journey. I will no longer wonder what I've done or what I'm supposed to learn, because that's more about me than anything should be. Instead I will look for opportunity to reach out to others and to be the shining light in this dark world. I don't need to feel embarrassed or burdened by my lack of children. Instead I will embrace the life God has blessed me with in my husband and my family. I will not give up on the God who holds me when I feel so alone, because He has not given up on me. I will be thankful for every moment I spend on this earth and use every moment to reflect and glorify my Savior. I will rejoice in other's blessings and pray wholeheartedly for those who care nothing for those little blessings. I give up the burden that I chose to bear that was not mine to bear.

So, there you are my friend, the crazy messed up mountains and valleys of an infertile woman. It's not an easy road, but despite what we sometimes think, it is still a BLESSING.

You should try...

It never ceases to amaze me how much "advice" the knowledge of one's struggle to conceive brings with it. Once people find out you are having trouble conceiving, they immediately have all kinds of advice for you. I seem to be recalling so many that I have heard over the years and I thought it would be fun and eye opening to actually blog what all I've heard so far.

• Does Heath wear sweatpants to bed? He needs to stop.. it's probably too hot for the{hmmm how shall I say this pleasantly} swimmers.
• You should try the mushroom pills, they are supposed to cure PCOS and endometriosis {Magic mushrooms, that sounds like a band name to me}
• Make sure you only use "the missionary style". {REALLY? And who named that anyway?}
• Did you ever think of adopting? {are you kidding? We've thought of buying a baby on the black market... but then we thought better of it}
• Hey, I heard of surrogacy and thought of you. {because everyone knows that the truth is you are flawed and uncapable}
• I got pregnant on birth control... maybe you should try that. {oh yeah, that makes complete sense}
• Try olive oil, it will make your uterine lining really friendly to embryos.
• Lay on your back with your feet in the air for 20 minutes after making love. Gravity will help! {Ha ha!}
• Are your hormones balanced because my doctor tested mine and I got pregnant the very next month?  {uh, no they're not hence the reason I'm having trouble and rarely have a period}
• You should try adopting. It always happens after you adopt. {Always is a pretty strong word, my friend}
• Don't just make love at night... try a different time of day. {As if time of day makes a difference when you are not ovulating! Geesh!}
• Lose weight {AS IF! Yes, I agree, it may help things along, but think about what you are saying... fat people have babies every day!}
• Just relax! It'll happen when you least expect it!
• I went to the chiropractor/acupuncture and got pregnant the next month. Did you check into that? {acupuncture? been there-done that, it's called IVF meds}
• Have you ever had the dye test... I had a blockage and once that was gone, I got pregnant! {yes, multiple times, thank you and OUCH!}
• Why don't you just continue with fertility treatments but get yourself on a adoption list? At least then if you got to the end of the treatments and don't have a baby, things would be on their way. {sorry friend, that's not how it works... you can't just walk in and put your name on an adoption list. Not without money and not when you are still actively pursuiting fertility treatments.}
• A bottle of wine always worked for me {congratulations!}
• (to my husband) Do you want me to come show you how it's done? {that's just down right rude and I'm not even going there!}

Disclaimer: If you shared one of these with me, please understand that I am not angry or upset and likely I don't even remember which ones you shared with me. Instead, I am posting this because I think it's humorous and it brightens my day to laugh over some of the crazy things people suggest.

The bottom line is this, we are not in control of God's plan for our lives. He is and He was no matter what happened leading up to every pregnancy on this earth. If He can make me and this world and everything you see and enjoy and are blessed with, out of nothing and with a simple word, then He can give us a baby whether we take the advice so freely offered or not. So, friends, thanks for the advice, but more importantly today, thank you for the laughs. I do realize that all the advice given (well most of it) was given completely out of a sense of concern and care for us and we do appreciate your love.

It's Been a While!

So many things have been floating around in my head lately, that I fear this post will be very disjointed and un-flowing. Nevertheless (that sounds so formal), I recently talked with one of my good friends and she shared how she's always sneaking by my blog to see if I've posted anything new... so here's to you Kara. A few of the things that are floating around and making there way into my every day life.

God has really been speaking to me lately. Heath and I have had opportunity to talk about our baby journey more in the last few weeks than I think we have in a long time. If there's one thing you learn as you put one step in front of the other on this journey, it is that life outside of fertility treatments, medicine, and baby dreams does go on. I think I learned that after our first failed IVF... while I was grieving the loss of our baby, everything else just seemed to move at it's normal pace. The world as everyone else knew it, didn't stop like mine had. They still ate and slept and had fun and laughed. For others, things were still the same, for us our lives had forever changed. It's nice to realize that even as life outside of baby journey moves swiftly on, we have had a chance to really sit down to talk and pray together about God's will for our journey.

Eventually, after our frist (well, our first IVF) negative pregnancy test, we jumped back on the IVF wagon, and away we rode, faster than ever, towards our 2nd IVF and it seemed like only moments before that cycle was done and we were in our 2 week wait. The feel was completely different on that one than the first. I have yet to pinpoint whether that was because we were still grieving, or because we had faced so many let-downs and disappointments that we were kind of jaded to the whole process. At any rate, when that cycle ended in failure as well, we found ourselves at rock bottom. I remember just feeling completely exhausted from the whole process and the emotions of it all. There were no weekends away and there were no fun things to give us joy. We found that the only source of our joy could be through God. That was a sobering lesson, because in learning that, we were finding out that in the end baby did NOT equal joy just as no baby did NOT equal lack of joy. Baby was not answer to everything, rather God whose plan we wholly desired was THEE answer to everything.

Our sermon series at church recently is entitled "Come And Die". It's basically an in depth study of what it means to be a true follower of Christ. I truly believe God brought this series to our church at just this time for me and me alone. Of course, there are numerous people in our church who would say the same thing, which is really cool, because it means that God is working in our church and that can only produce GOOD! I continue to go back to one of the points in this series... Surrender. When you are on the baby journey, fighting so long and so hard for your dream, it's hard to come to a point of surrender. I think that I truly believed that I had surrendered my desire for a child long before now, but as I learned through our series at church what true surrender was, I realize that I was probably surrendering in my head, but not in my heart. My head wanted to give it all up to Him, the one who had the power to change things, but my heart was still thinking that I had some control of it. Not so. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, what I want or don't want, God's got it all figured out. Which when you first think that is kinda scary, but when you really understand it, you realize that God can do so much better than I ever could dream of doing. Something else I've learned is that Surrender is a DAILY battle, taking up your cross and following Christ, is a DAILY choice. It's not something you do once and then everything comes together, it's something that I will always work at, because there will always be something else to surrender. Long after the baby journey, some other thing will be there to let go of and let God take care of.

It's funny the stages you go through after a failed IVF. At first, you want nothing to do with doctors, needles, medicines, or ultrasounds. You simply want to crawl in bed and cry the tears away to cleanse your soul of the pain that you are feeling at the loss of your baby. And after that, you want nothing more than to jump back up and try again. Yet, financially you can't just jump back into it. And it's during that time, while you wait for money to come along, that you realize God was blessing you with those moments so that you could begin to heal.

To those of you wondering, we are moving on to our 3rd round of IVF. We have not shared that with many and do not plan on sharing any specific dates, but your prayers are so appreciated. We have had opportunity to gather a couple of times over the past couple months with a group of people from church simply to pray for our church. We are firm believers in the power of prayer. Prayer changes things, my friends, so please continue to pray for us as we seek God's ultimate plan for our lives. Please also pray for our families. Unfortunately, as personal as infertility is, it affects many more than just the couple going through it. Our families are very invested in the outcome of our journey and it is painful for them just as it is for us. We are unsure just how much longer our journey might be, and the end of it may be painful for our family as well.

As we anticipate our next round of IVF, we are so thankful and blessed to be a part of a church family who surrounds us with prayer and encouragement. Even when they do nothing more than listen, that is HUGE to us as we grieve. To all those who have found the time to pray for us and to listen to us, from the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU!

Reflecting on IVF #2

It's hard to sometimes even want to acknowledge the title of this post and where we've been over the last 4-6 weeks. We had so hoped, believed, prayed that IVF #1 would be the trick and that we would be well on our way to being parents and holding our miracle. It seems though, that everytime WE plan like that HE steps in and reminds us that HIS plan will reign. And it is during those moments that we are also reminded that although it's painful at the time His plan is really what we want, not our own. After all, He can see the BIG picture, and we only the few steps in front of us. (Granted, those steps feel like mountains right now... even so, praise God for His faithfulness in helping us move mountains!)So, to now be reflecting on IVF #2, is difficult and a bit surreal; however, something I think deserves the time.

This cycle has been so unlike the other cycle in some ways and so very similar at the same time. If you have ever been through IVF more than once, then you know that the first initial fresh cycle is much more intense and involved than the subsequent frozen cycles. For those who have not... a fresh cycle is considered the cycle in which a woman's eggs are harvested, fertilized, and then transferred back to her uterus. Of course, if you produce multiple eggs, then you may choose to freeze the fertilized eggs (embryos) for use in the case that the fresh cycle is unsuccessful, or in the case that you are ready to grow your family. Thus, the frozen cycle... it occurs after a fresh cycle and is quite interesting in the fact that the embryologists thaws the # of embryos to be transferred and two days later, wahlah!, a frozen embryo cycle.

From the beginning I just felt kind of disconnected from the whole process. In the fresh cycle, I was at the office every other day for u/s and bloodwork, whereas, this time they simply called me to tell me when to start my shots and then I never saw them until 18 days before our transfer. It was nice that we saved the time and $$, but still a little scary... Did I remember to take all the pills I was supposed to take? Was that the right injection? The right dose? When do I add this other med? It was stressful in that sense, but also less stressful because I didn't have to be running to the office every other day.

The only thing so far that I have identified as exactly the same is the two week wait. It doesn't matter how many times I go through this, the feelings don't venture far from the first time. It's those feelings of doubt, but then back to trust, slinking down to raw emotions around every corner, to the realization that no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome has already been determined. God already has it figured out and it WILL be good. Maybe not right away. Maybe when the results come in we will be in that numbing state. Maybe we will be planning a nursery. But for sure, we will be praising God who makes all things Good.

I've found myself talking to my babies a lot this time. I think I did last time, but not nearly as much and not with this message. The other day, while I was laying in bed for 2 days, I told them their first story about God. It went kinda like this "Hi babies! I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy have loved you for a really long time. We have prayed for you and hoped for you and waited for you. But you know what, there is someone who loves you even more than we do. God created you into the perfect little life that you are and He loves you. He only wants what is best for you and for mommy and daddy, because you know what, He loves them even more than they love each other and that's a lot of love. If mommy and daddy never get to hold you in our arms, you will always be in our hearts, and we will still be happy because we will know that God is holding you in his hands." I have to be honest... as I finished with tears streaming down my face, I realized that the story might have been more for me than for my babies. It solidified in my mind that God's got this. He knows just what we need. That may never be a baby to hold in our arms, but then I do believe it's something much better!

Oh, dear friends, it's lonely out here.. being a mother without a child... So many of you have passed on prayers and thoughts of encouragement. Bless you, sweet ladies for taking the time to love on a fellow believer. God is good and we are so blessed. May you remember today just how much our GOD LOVES YOU!

Just a Few Things on My Mind

It's been forever since I've written. There are a couple of reasons. For one, after our unsuccessful IVF, we were devastated and rather then spend time pouring out my broken heart, I chose to step away from it all and enjoy my life and my husband. And I also have gotten busy wrapped up in serving at my church.

I don't think a woman struggling with infertility ever really forgets what they are fighting for. We may try to live on without breaking down and crying at every drop of the hat and for no apparent reason, but we never really forget. Just as breathing is a part of living, so is pain... specifically for us, the pain of infertility. It's hard to put into words exactly what that looks like, but I'm pretty sure people can see that. I have grown to dislike very strongly the pitying stares that I often get. Mother's Day seems to be a good one for that. I'm fine, for goodness sakes, I'm no different than any other person struggling with any other battle.

The day after Mother's Day, a friend of mine sent me a link to a post. It hit the spot, because it said exactly what I was feeling. People look at me like there is no hope. That's not true. There is Hope! Even if I never am a mother, I have life abundantly. Ever-lasting life. A Savior who loves me and leads me and cares for me. Yes, there are still tearful days. There are still emotions that pop up at the absolute worse times. But I have the privilege of relying on my BIG GOD! He hasn't given me more than I can handle with HIM. And I feel pretty blessed... my faith has grown in leaps and bounds and in ways that others could only hope for.

Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/15/false-hope-vs-loving-truths/

As I began reading through this site, I was encouraged by the fact that there are other women feeling the same way that I do often. My feelings aren't wrong or off base, they are just truths. I wanted to share one more of the posts that I came across. So many times mothers comment to me about how lucky I am to not have any children. Some of them know where I am in that journey to be a mother and others don't. I'll never understand why those who know what we battle for everday could think a "you're so lucky" comment would be welcomed. I'll never understand why they think that that comment would come across as a good thing to someone who fights for a child . I'll never understand what they are thinking in sharing that with someone who is infertile, but longs for a baby to hold. I do understand that being a mother is challenging at times. I do understand that parenting takes your life and turnes it upside down. I do understand that some days those beautiful children try your patience, they make you sleepy, they maybe don't give you a moment of peace. But you, my friend are still the lucky one. In those moments you may not feel like it, but read this post and maybe it will give you a bit of perspective.

Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/16/youre-so-lucky/

Bless you all!

The Many Faces of Infertility...

... and when I say "faces" what I really mean is emotions. And "infertility" is really referring to this most recent hurdle, IVF #1. I had so hoped that I could just call that IVF and not have to number it because we wouldn't have to be moving on to #2, at least not until baby #1 was here. But alas, my plans don't seem to be perfectly aligned with God's just yet.. I guess that's just part of my sinful weak self. I do trust that He has a perfect plan. I know that I say that a lot, but again, my sinful, weak, doubting self needs to be reminded of these promises.

A bookmark from the book I was reading this morning inspired this post... just a simple little bookmark, but such an impact on my thoughts and now this post. The bookmark reads "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -Victor Borge

**On a side note: If you don't know who Victor Borge is, then you must look him up. He is quite the comedian from way back... one who I was only introduced to after I met my husband who is much older and wiser at 40 than my 32 years can usually handle!:-)**

At any rate, that quote got me to thinking about the gammet of emotions that have colored our life over the last few weeks. The same emotions, I guess, that have shaped and changed us over the last 4 years as wel,. Why would something about laughter get me thinking about that? After all, most people in our situation would not think of laughter as being an emotion that colored their journey. Obviously if you have read even one of my posts, you know that the "colors" of our journey have been marred by a lot of grays and blacks and dark colors and not as much of the sunshiney colors of the rainbow. However, laughter is an important part of any journey. It breaks the mood, it makes you realize that you are still alive, it reminds you that you can still have joy in the midst of whatever journey you find yourself on.

I am so thankful for my husband. Heath has been a constant source of joy for me. We laugh a lot even in the middle of some of the most painful things we may ever face. Granted, he has been the reason for many of our spouts of laughter and often I'm laughing at him rather than with him, but he takes it all in stride. God certainly knew I would not survive this journey without laughter and I'm so thankful he saw fit to bring me laughter through my husband's goofy antics. Heath is such a good sport, even if he won't admit it.

After our IVF results, I was glad to be able to get away. My emotions ranged so deeply from one end of the spectrum to the other that I was unsure just how I would react at any given time. I was terrified, and still am a bit, to have to face the many questions at church. We didn't share our journey with everyone, but word did get around, and there are so many people invested in our journey and the results. It's embarrassing to admit that I failed... again. It's hard to have to face people who spent time and energy praying for us, only to report that NO, I am still not pregnant. The emotions ranged from anger that we weren't pregnant, to sadness that people I loved had to be put in the situation, to a realization that they asked because they cared, to relief when they didn't ask, but then in the next minute feeling upset that some people seemed to treat it as nothing when it was so HUGE to us.

God has been faithful with each emotion I was reminded of a song, a verse, a promise from my Father. Something that would bring me out of my funk and into His arms. He taught me that I did not fail. He is the one in control of the situation, He is the one who determines when our little one will be formed, and all of what He does is LOVE, so I did not fail. My responsibility was not to make a pregnancy happen, my responsibility was to follow doctors orders, which I did to a T, and to trust that the Lord had our best interest in mind.

He taught me that the topic was awkward for others, just as it was for me. It hurt them too and it is difficult for them to ask knowing it could cause us pain. He taught me that just as I can not understand the woes and complaints of parenting, they can not understand or know how to react to the pain of empty arms and the heartache of being a mother without a child. He taught me that that is exactly what I am, a mother... at heart. I may not have a child of my own, but I am a child of His and he brings little ones into my life on a daily basis. Children that He has given me the opportunity to love and care for and teach about Him.

And lastly He taught me the importance of not fretting over what He didn't allow, but focusing instead on what He did allow. From the beginning I said "I just want to get some eggs, so that we are on our way." I felt like even if we didn't get pregnant this time, if we had some good viable eggs that fertilized, I would feel encouraged. It didn't take the sting away when we found out this fresh cycle didn't work, but it is encouraging to know that God did allow my body to produce not one, not two, not even three eggs, but TEN mature viable eggs. Of those eggs, He allowed NINE of them to fertilize, TWO of them to be transferred, ONE of them to be ushered into his arms, and SIX of them to continue to grow and make it to the freezing stage. SIX! That means that HE, in His grace has granted us at least one more opportunity.

Oh Father it is so easy for us to dwell on what is not going right in our lives. It's easy to remember the pain and the hurt and to forget the way that you DID work in our lives. Forgive us for doubting your love and faithfulness to us during this journey. We are so thankful that your Perfect timing is reigning, even though that brings us pain right now. We are grateful for the six tiny creations you have made that are waiting for our next round. We are amazed by your faithfulness even in the midst of our doubting. We are strengthened every day by the people you put in our lives. Praise you God, for what you've done in this cycle and what you will continue to do in the days, weeks, and months to come.

A lot has happened in one week and I'm feeling like it's time to share. Not so that I can read everyone's reactions or endure everyone's pitying stares, but rather so that I can feel normal again. As if I even know what normal is.... for goodness sakes, that's scary to say and oh so true. Normal for us lately has been doctors appointments, syringes, needles, ultrasound probes, bedrest, heavy hearts, tears, zombie-like actions, pills, vitamins, gauze pads, alcohol swabs, thousands of dollars, maxed out credit cards, and a lot of nothing that felt normal. Or maybe it did feel normal to us and that's why I feel so out of sorts now. With no meds, no appts, no needles or vials of blood, I don't quite know what to do with myself. Perhaps that's part of the sadness that has settled in around my heart. Perhaps with the lack of those things, I realize just how abnormal our life was becoming. I think back over all that we've been through and I don't know if I can even remember a time when we weren't fighting for our fertility. I'm sad that since we've been married, we have been fighting to have a child and I wonder if that has been good for us. I won't deny that we have grown in our love for one another and I can't dismiss the fact that we are who we are today with the faith that we have today, because of our fight. But I also can't help but wonder, what a normal marriage that's not fighting fertility looks like. What is life without that fight actually like? I'm convinced that if it's not fertility, it's something else that is a struggle, but infertility is such an emotional battle... it's so difficult!

One week ago today, the day before Heath's 40th Birthday, we found out that our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. I won't lie, we felt completely defeated. Even as much as we have learned to try not to get our hopes up, we felt like we hit bottom. I don't remember feeling that way with other failed cycles. Our nurse called us around 3:30. Heath had taken the day off because he wanted to be here when they called. Each hour that passed as we waited felt like an eternity. And each minute that passed, I doubted a little bit more. I knew as soon as the nurse answered that the results were negative. Somehow I realized that if they were positive, she wouldn't have sounded so solemn. I'm pretty sure that's a tough call for them to have to make and it made me sad that she struggled with it. As soon as I hung up Heath and I crumbled into a heap of sobs that I'm pretty sure woke little Aurelia up. Heath was strong. He went down and got her. I love her so much, but it was a difficult hour and a half until her mommy came to get her. She was a reminder of what we may never have. I think all the emotions that had been working up over the month of appts and meds and procedures and what not, finally came crashing down on us. We grieved... it felt/feels like a death in the family. I guess if you want to get technical, it was since the embryos they transferred are considered LIFE. We both wanted to crawl into bed and sleep away the pain and we probably would have, had we not planned to celebrate Heath's b-day with my family at Logan's that night. When we planned the dinner, we had made clear that we reserved the right to not attend, depending on the results of our test. We knew that we would not feel like celebrating if things turned out as they did. I called my mom to let her know we weren't coming and I couldn't hold back the sobs... with a little coaxing from her, we did go to dinner and I cuddled with my nieces and nephews, but my heart was certainly not there. I'm pretty sure I did not taste the food that I was eating. It was important for us to keep moving, try to carry out normal activities, but it was incredibly painful.

We slept good that night. We were mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted from the last month of activity leading up to that day and those results. I gave Heath his b-day present that night because I wanted to cheer him up. I had secretly gotten him the day off work. He later told me, that after Thursday's results, he was going to call in anyway... he just didn't have the energy to put in a day's work. I also let him in on the secret gift/trip I had been planning for months. We were headed to his frst Red Wings game and then we'd stay for the weekend and do whatever struck our fancy. I did not know when I started planning this trip away that it would come on the heels of such devastating news in our baby department, but God did. We didn't come back all refreshed and ready to jump back in the saddle, but we were able to hide away where noone knew what we were sad about and we didn't have to talk about it to anyone besides each other and then only if we decided to. And we didn't really. We said a few passing comments here and there, but for the most part we stared blankly at whatever it was we were watching on TV; we ate, but didn't really taste the food, we enjoyed the heat from the fireplace in our room, but we still felt numb; we pressed on through the days, but couldn't wait till night when we could fall into bed and sleep away the pain. Our one redeeming activity, was the Red Wings game. We had a fun time at the game, forgot about our pain, talked with the season ticket holders next to us, and lost our voices as we cheered the Wings to victory. It was such a blessing.

On Saturday, we headed to Cabela's for a couple of hours. We LOVE that store... even if we don't have any money to spend there. On our way there, we got news that Aunt Lynn had passed away. Apparently when it rains, it pours... isn't that what they say, whoever "they" is.

Sunday, still feeling in a funk, we headed back home, not really ready to face the day or the week ahead. We were still exhausted and just wanted more time for us. More time to process what we'd just been through and the results and where we were headed. More time to avoid having to face all the pitying stares, the hugs, the cliche phrases. We just weren't ready... not yet. God had different plans. Things that were meant to heal even though as they were happening, I kept thinking "what in the world is He thinking?". On our way home from Detroit, we were blessed with an opportunity to spend time with our family at Ada Bible Church for our little nephew Logan's dedication. It is in actuality not really a dedication of the child, but more of the parents to raise their children in a godly loving home that points them to Christ. As we sat in the parking lot waiting for the family to show up, I will admit my nerves were on high alert. I prayed for strength because I knew that going to a child dedication just days after being told we didn't have a child on the way was going to be a pretty difficult place to be. We wouldn't have missed it for the world, but I can seriously tell you I was second guessing the wisdom of us being there. After all, the little room we would be in, would be filled with energy and noises that only children can make. A happy place, for certain, but a realy tough place considering what we had just come through. I am amazed at how God sustains us through these times... when we feel like we could not take one more step, he holds us up, pushes us through the door, and encourages us to keep on keeping on. The phone rang as we waited and it was my sister-in-law. She was calling to see if we were there yet, but more importantly she was calling because they, as the parents of little Logan, were told to choose one person, family or friend, who had been and would be a godly influence on Logan and would impact both them and Logan as they raised him. I was floored, speechless, and in tears as she told me that after talking about it, I was the person they had decided fit the bill. I still don't know why they picked me. Maybe they were feeling sorry for me, but my prayer is that they have seen in me the faith that gives me strength to press through this journey. I pray that the reason they picked me was not because I had no children and it would be nice to let me be that person, but rather because they see the heart that beats in me for Christ and His children. I did not have to do anything fancy at the service, I was merely to be a witness to their dedication to raising Logan in a godly home. The original plan was that Ty, Heather, Logan, and I would gather at a certain time in the program to pray. I was ok with that.. I figured I could handle that, even as I cried to Heath "Why would they choose me?" We actually ended up gathering with the entire Erb and Guernsey families, Heather read a letter that they had written to Logan outlining their commitment to him, and through tears Ty asked me to pray. I know my voice sounded shaky, I broke down when I thanked God for the blessing of that precious little child, but I made it through my prayer.

As difficult as that felt, I know now, that that was God's work in me. A pathway to healing. Just a little piece of encouragement for my day. An understanding kind of came over me during that service... one that hurt, but that was a blessing at the same time. I realized, maybe for the first time, that if I never had a child of my own, I would be ok. If I never had a baby to cuddle to sleep at night or I never had a chance to watch Heath's eyes light up at the sight of his own flesh and blood, I would survive. Because I have the opportunity every day, with the kids I come into contact with, to point them to Christ. A chance to instill in my nieces and nephews and sweet little people God brings into my life, lessons about faith and God's love and provision and His strength even when the road is tough.

It has been one very tough week... I don't think I felt like we came out of that fog and numbness until yesterday. That's not to say we aren't still sad, and we definitely have our moments of tears and doubt, the fog still rolls in every now and then, and we sometimes find ourselves in quite a funk... but that's ok and to be expected. The important thing is that we aren't becoming bitter, we aren't falling into a sinking hole of sadness, we aren't giving up... we are trusting, we are learning to smile again, and we are healing one little moment at a time.

A Day which Shall Live in Infamy

Over this forever long 2WW (two week wait, for those of you not down with the infertility lingo... I HATE that I am!)I have been looking back over my infertility journal and noting milestones. Staring at pages and pages of the last nearly 4 years of my life has been tough. It's tough to see how much time and energy we have put into this baby journey with no return. It's tough to relive some of the moments that were so upsetting, and fun at the same time to see how God has worked through our journey. I have kept quite an extensive journal for a few reasons. #1- I always want to remember where we've been so that I don't lose sight of where we're going. #2- I want to be able to recall what worked when and how things all played out. #3- I'd never remember what meds I took when or how long we've been on this journey if I didn't write it all down to reference at any time. As I began flipping through things over the past couple of months today's date jumped off the page at me. It seems like February 9th has been a day of milestones over the last 4 years and that's something I couldn't just let pass by without mentioning it. It's just too cool of a God thing!

February 9, 2009- The day I first walked into Dr. Kitts office to get that ball rolling, so to speak, in the baby department. It was possibly the most nerve-wracking day of my life. For one thing, I stepped into the office of a completely new doctor. Someone I had never met, but that was my doctor since getting married and moving to Cedar. I think I would have rather driven to Hastings, but then I didn't really like my family doctor there either. I remember thinking, that although it was the beginning, it wouldn't last long and we'd get some medicine, maybe some tips, and we'd be on our way to parenthood. Obviously, God had different plans, because that was 4 years ago and here we are still waiting! The funniest thing to this day about Dr. Kitts (of course, you know if you've read my blog that I didn't remain his patient) is that as he talks to you about what might be wrong or might be done, he draws pictures on this little white board that's on the backside of every exam room door. Just imagine, Dr. Kitts, this little short man with graying hair, drawing pictures of my uterus and ovaries... like I'm some kindergartner that needs to see to believe I have tons of little cyst on my ovaries. Ah, yes, Feb 9th, 2009, quite the day!

February 9, 2010- Having spent entirely too long with that drawing Dr. Kitts, in July of 2009, we moved on to greener pastures. Dr. Kitts wanted to refer me to one of "his buddies", but if they were anything like him, I had no interest, so I had asked around and found an OB/GYN of my choosing. I won't lie, I chose my OB/GYN based on where I wanted to have my babies. But it just so happened, that the one I chose, Dr. Pete, was also highly recommended by Heath's cousin. Dr. Pete didn't draw pictures so that was a relief, and he was aggressive in treatment which was one thing that really drew me to him. Anyway, this February 9th, marks the day of my laporscopy/hysteroscopy. A pretty painful embarrassing surgery that produced some good things and brought some not-so-good things to our attention. I had recently had a hysterosalpingogram(HSG- aka the dye test) done and the Left tube appeared to be blocked. During the laporoscopy; however, there was no blockage in the left tube and the dye flowed freely. A praise God moment! On the down side, it was discovered that I had stage 2 endometriosis (endo). I guess it didn't really come as a surprise considering the many years that I had spent having very few periods. If the endometrium lining of the uterus was not flowing out every month, it had to be going somewhere. For me, it was depositing itself on the ovaries, which was further inhibiting my abilities to ovulate like a normal person. Again, a day that was a huge milestone to understanding our infertility.

February 9, 2011- After more than a year of monitoring, procedures, and appointments, and after more than 6 failed cycles of Clomid, Dr. Pete referred us to Dr. Dodds (his mentor, which I thought was kind of neat- and one of "his buddies" that I didn't mind being referred to since I was impressed with Dr. Pete's care)at the Fertility Center. This day was our first consultation with Dr. Dodds. The first time we sat across the desk from a fertility specialist, and the first time our hope was rekindled after such a long battle. We sat across the desk from Dr. Dodds and I'm sure there were tears shed as we told him our story from our point of view. He of course had the official records, but he took the time to listen. I remember him being impressed that we were so involved and proactive about our care. He complimented us on being prepared and knowledgeable about what we had been through and where we were going. How can you not be? When you want something, you really work for it... especially when what you want is an expression of the overflowing love you have with your spouse. Yes, this day, is not the least in our list of February 9th occurrences.

Finally, February 9, 2012- Today. The end of IVF#1- The results. The day that I will be poked possibly for the last time on this infertility journey. Our blood test to determine the results of our IVF. Are we or are we not pregnant? A HUGE milestone. One that I don't think I ever thought would be here. The day that determines our next few months. Positive and we will begin planning for baby. Painting the room, gathering supplies, jumping up and down for joy. Negative and we will likely melt into yet another puddle of tears. We will look back over the last couple of months and cry for all the time, energy, thousands of dollars, and HOPE that have been lost. We will probably NOT go join our family for Heath's birthday dinner. What kind of birthday dinner would that be? Maybe we'll sit at home feeling numbed by the news and watch whatever pointless show seems to be on TV. Maybe we'll crawl into bed and hope to never have to wake up. Or maybe we'll bury ourselves in a good book, hoping to not have to face reality. It's funny how I can think of more things to do if it's negative than if it's positive. I guess that just goes to show you how easily it is to doubt... and how difficult it is to hope. Doubt, despair, NEGATIVE tests are what's been ingrained in us over the past 4 years. That doesn't meant that's what is going to happen to us today, but it is what we know. Positive or negative, today marks a HUGE milestone in our journey. And positive or negative we still feel blessed by a God who lets nothing touch us that is not for our best.

December 7, 1941, may have been our nation's "day which shall live in infamy", but February 9th, 2012 can be classified as none other than our own personal "day which shall live in infamy".

Things I Want to Remember from this Journey.

I've been thinking a lot lately, I guess that goes without saying. Ha ha! But it's what I've been thinking about that I want to get down on paper lest I forget the special things that have gone on over the last few weeks. Precious things that I never want to forget or take for granted. Things I want to remember about our baby journey no matter what the outcome.

I want to remember...

The catch in Dr. Leach's throat as he wished us the best after our embryo transfer

The sweetness of my husband as he cared for me. The meals he made, the way he woke me just on time for my medicines, the way he tucked me in all comfy after our egg retrieval with a kiss on the forehead. The way he cleaned up the house the way I would have had I been able, even though it's not the way he would have necessarily.

The friends who brought meals to us. Some who have been where we are and knew what it felt like and others who just cared because they loved us.

The two sweet girls who crocheted me a necklace and string.... and loaned me their seasons of Little House on the Prairie to fill my time while on bedrest.

The leader of our small group and his wife who joined us in our bedroom after our embryo transfer and surrounded us with love and prayer. Yes, to some that may seem strange that they joined us right there on our bed and prayed with us over our little babies, but to us, it was just as it should be. Our small group that has become family.

The many people near and far, those who know us and those who have just heard of us, who have been bathing us in prayer. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how many people are crying out to our Lord on our behalf.

The gentleness but firmness of my husband as he administers my shots each night... in a very sore bum scarred with several injection wounds. Ahh, it must be love! :-)

The excitement of our family and friends at what this next few weeks may hold for us, and there reserve at what it may not.

The glimpses and calmness of peace that surrounds us when we are reminded of what an awesome God we serve who has the ability to move mountains. He's got this!

The fact that we have 6 little embryos waiting for us in the future. So whether we achieve pregnancy this time or not, we have another chance.

The feeling I had when I knew that I was producing eggs. It was excitement and amazement and almost a sense of pride that I was responsible for those little eggs. It was kind of scary knowing that potentially I could encourage or hinder them dependent on what choices I made for myself. It is, I imagine, the way it must feel to be pregnant and know that you are responsible for the health of the baby that you carry.

That even though my body hurts from being poked and prodded over and over, it was well worth it. Granted, it's not the normal way of going about getting pregnant, but what a blessing it is that there are ways for couples like us to start a family.

That I am blessed. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I am and forever will be blessed.

That this is not the end, or the beginning, it's just what's right now. Yes, it may impact our future, but I have to live moment by moment for Christ, not me or what I want.

That this too shall pass. The pain, the emotions, the heartache, and frustrations will all pass, but the blessings, the love, the prayers of support, the strength of our Lord... those are never changing.

That whatever the next few weeks bring, my Savior is holding me. Nothing can befall me that has not made it through His loving hands first. His plan for me is the best thing for us and I can't help but praise the Lord that He is creating a pretty bright future for us, baby or no baby.

So there you go, some things I've been thinking about, reminding myself of, praying for. The things I want to never forget about our journey.

Just a few thoughts...

I thought it would be good to get some thoughts down. As trying and scary and emotional as this process has been, I do want to remember it. There have been funny times... well, they didn't seem funny at the time, but we can laugh about them now. There have been times that I have been so mad I wanted to throw something. And then times I was overcome with joy that I couldn't stop the tears. All in all, I can say it's been quite a process.

I think the first thought that struck me today as I was thinking over it all, is about the outcome. We aren't there yet, we still have some time to go before we know whether all our efforts and our doctors efforts have produced the desired outcome. I don't know how long it will be before we share, but we will at some point. The waiting is difficult. I am constantly second guessing myself. The things I do, the things I eat. Am I preventing my little babies from growing? Have I done anything that might cause those little embryos from continuing to grow and burrow in? But then I remember that this is out of my control. There is only one person in control of that, and that is my Lord. I have done all I'm supposed to do so I just need to sit back and let him work.

I keep thinking "what if we get to the end of this process and still DO NOT have a baby on the way?" That thought leaves me breathless. But then, the thought that immediately follows "What if we get to the end of the process and we DO have a baby on the way?", that possibility leaves me breathless too.

Heath and I have been talking about how much it feels like we are on a teeter totter. One day we feel we are on a high point and we feel positive that the outcome will be good. Then the next time we're on the low side, wondering where we go from here when the outcome is not as we would desire. It's such a hard emotional thing, I feel like I don't even know how to put it into sensible sentences.

I am touched by how much our doctors and nurses are invested in our future. The motto of The Fertility Center is "Build your family with us!" and I truly believe each one of the doctors or nurses I have come into contact with have felt a sense of pride in being a part of that. It amazes me how much they care for each little piece of how this all works. At our embryo transfer appt, we met Dr. Leach, the newest doctor to the facility, for the first time. He was so kind and patient and always checking to see how I was doing. A couple of things really made an impression on me about him. #1 He had the kindest eyes. They held concern, a love for his job, and patience with me. Hope poured out of them and it was a huge encouragement and solidified the fact that he was there for me at that moment in time. #2 Once the procedure was done, HE was the one that moved us to the recovery area, got me settled in bed with my legs propped up, made sure I was comfortable. That was kind of funny to me. Usually, at least in my experience thus far, the nurses were the ones that got me settled and comfy for my wait. I was impressed by it. #3 I knew he was invested in our journey because just before he left us, he squeezed my hand, let me know that they had transferred two very healthy embryos, and with a catch in his throat, said "I wish you the best!" I of course melted into tears at the thought that even he was emotional over our journey. His care for us during the few short minutes we had with him was phenomenal! I tear up even now thinking about that moment over and over again. They aren't just doctors there for a paycheck or to get to the end of the day, they really do LOVE what they do and are so excited to be able to assist couples in building their families.

We have had several people ask us already when we will know whether we are pregnant or not. We have kindly changed the subject or just said "sometime this month" or "soon". The truth is, we're not ready to share all the nitty gritty details with everyone. There are a couple of different reasons for that. For one thing, we need time to process what we have just been through and are still going through. We need time to figure out just how to share our experiences. How much, how little does a person share of this journey through IVF? It's quite a fascinating experience and I'd love to shout it from the mountain tops, but at this point, for our peace of mind, I don't think that would be best. For another reason, we feel like just because our baby journey has been more open and honest and public than those who decide to have a baby, rumble in the hay, and then are pregnant (I mean no disrespect. Praise God if you had it easy.) does not mean we don't deserve all the joy of deciding just when and how to share our news with our family and friends. We've often thought about how we would tell our parents and siblings and I think we should still have that opportunity. On our time not someone else's. And lastly, if we don't have success this first try around, I know there will be a lot of emotions that we have to work through before we are ready to share with others. I wish that you all could see inside my heart and could understand more clearly these musings of this emotional infertile girl! :-)

Reading over this post, it seems like the most scatterbrained post I've ever written. I guess I can't do anything more about that... the words and emotions are jumbled in my brain. Getting them out, helps me think more clearly, but it also makes for a jumbled post. So sorry, maybe things will shape up here soon. Until then, please keep praying with us that the Lord's will continue to be done in our lives. After all, that is our true desire!

On Hope

The last few days have been long and hard. I haven't been sleeping well, there's just too much on my mind. From wondering how this will all turn out to fretting over the money to near panic attacks about the meds. Do I have what I need? Will I be able to remember when to take what? Will Heath be able to give me the shots that he has to? How am I ever going to make it through this next month? Will I remember to ask the questions I have?

And those, my sweet friends, are only a glimpse into the many questions and thoughts that swirl around in my head. It's a very fine line that we tread as an infertile couple for you don't want to lose hope, but you are afraid to hope too much.

I can remember some of our first treatments with my OB/GYN. I think at first I thought that we just needed a little medicine and we'd be good. I was so thankful for that little Clomid pill knowing for almost certain that it would help us achieve our dreams. And then as I began to take it and all those crazy meds sunk in, I HATED that pill. I still do. It's an awful drug that puts your body through, well let's be honest, h-e- double hockey sticks... all for nothing, at least in our cycles that was true. Although I know there are others who endured it and came out with their little miracle.

The next few cycles, my hope continued dropped... I kind of doubted each time that the meds were going to work and I wonder if that had an effect on our outcome? I guess I'll not know for sure, but I do know that God' timing is perfect, and so I believe that we are right where He wanted us at just the right time.

Things changed and we were shipped off (that sounds bad, but it wasn't) to Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center, where we began another cycle. I had seen this man in action, I had seen the results that the Lord brought through this facility, and let's just say, I felt very relieved to be there. I felt like we were where we were supposed to be. Yes, I had wished at the time that we had been there sooner, but we also needed to exhaust the milder, less invasive, more natural treatments first, although I think Clomid is as far from natural as you can get! Just walking in the doors, I felt as if I had reclaimed hope and was sure we wouldn' be there long. As good as I felt about it, I still was almost embarrassed to admit we needed to be there. After all, in my mind it meant I was flawed somehow. I would sometimes sit in my car when noone else was with me and wait for the "coast to clear" before sneaking into the building. It was a breath of fresh air when I didn't run into someone walking by. When I was able to get into the office without having to acknowledge to passersby, that yes, I was flawed, and yes I was seeking medical help for something that for others is so easy and natural. It's slowly gotten better and it doesn't really phase me now. Maybe more because I get to my appt right on time instead of having time to wait, or maybe because I have learned that I am so blessed and privileged to be there. I am blessed beyond words for the fact that God has given these doctors and nurses and other professionals to deal with the delicate nature of infertility. I am privileged to be able to afford (although I use that term loosely) to access the treatments and such that The Fertility Center provides. I AM BLESSED! and that is something I have to remind myself every time I head down for another appt. NO matter what I have to endure, no matter what I have or don't have, I AM AND WILL FOREVER BE BLESSED!

I'm not sure I even ever told my husband about these bouts of embarrassment. It would just hurt him more and I feel sometimes like I've done that enough, not of any fault of my own... I just know that it's hard for him to sit by and watch me suffer through these procedures and disappointments. They are his as well... sometimes I laugh at us because we both try to shoulder for the other, to protect one another from more hurt, to be strong when we feel so weak. God has perfectly matched us and I know that's exactly how a true God-built marriage is to be, but it still makes me laugh!

Hope slowly returned and things were looking good and are looking good... so I sometimes wonder why I feel so hopeless right now. I want to be excited. I want to look back over this time and feel joy. I want to live my life even in the midst of all the appts and shots and what not. But I am terrified out of my mind to be hopeful that this cycle of IVF will end in success. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to crash when it doesn't happen. But then, can I afford to be so worried? Will that hinder or harm this cycle? I don't know what to feel. I do however, think it's ok to be a little apprehensive. Each person going through anything tough, has to develop there own means of coping, and I guess mine is being tentative of feeling too much. I don't mean I worry. I don't mean I doubt. I just mean, I don't dwell on it. I have to give it to God or I would go insane. I have to be able to talk about it with Heath and good friends and then let it go. I have to trust that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not, there's a different plan up God's sleeve. I TRUST HIM to do what's the absolute best for us.

I don't really know how to end this post. I feel like I could go on for days about what's going on and how I'm feeling and all that, but then that would be a pretty boring post, so I'll just leave with a verse that is such an encouragement for me right now:

Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

When I chose that as my life verse around the age of 13, I never knew how much it would really apply to my life.

We're Off and Running

Every year at the beginning of the year, I can't help but think that this will be our year. This will be the year our little miracle comes to be. This will be the year that the fertility meds stop and the miracle of pregnancy begins. And every year, that's not exactly how it's happened. Really, that's not how it's happened at all.

Every December 31st since I've been married, in my mind I've made the New Year's Resolution to have a baby. As if, I've been holding back all these years and now is finally the time. For goodness sakes! I hate New Year's Resolutions anyhow... I think we should all resolve to do all those things all the time... not just once a year for about a week or so. Know what I mean?

Anyway! This year I'd like to think is going to be our year, but I don't know that to be true. What I do know for certain is that we will be changed, we will work hard, we will keep pressing on, we will perservere. I say this on the verge of an emotional, hormonal breakdown as I wait for the first round of meds to bring about my cycle. Ya know that most dreaded thing among women... also known as, Aunt Flo, a period, that time of the month, your cycle, Day 1.. whatever you call it, while it is quite unpleasant, it is a necessity to bring about a pregnancy and so for me, it is most welcome.

I am terrified for what is coming in the next couple of weeks. It's all new territory, this IVF stuff. The meds are sitting in the fridge and on the shelf flanked on one side by syringes and needles of various sizes, and on the other side by alcohol swabs and gauze pads. On the counter lays the red folder that will be my instruction manual for the coming weeks. I have read through all the literature, we've signed all the paperwork and chosen our embryo guardian. The injection videos have been reviewed and the jitters set in place. So this terrifying feeling does not come from a sense of not being prepared, but instead from knowing what we are about to do and what I am about to subject my body, mind, and soul to. But alas, the first 7 days of meds are taken, we are off and running, and there is no turning back.

If you've been following along, you know that we were waiting to find out if we were approved for the Compassionate Care Program. Wonder of all wonders, or perhaps it was our Good Lord, the insurance company did indeed deny us coverage, so we were able to get over $1800 of meds for free. We are praying that this will be enough and we will not have to purchase more, but not sure if that will be the case or not. I think the unknowing-ness of the process is what makes things so difficult. It's kind of all a wait and see game, which is beyond my understanding as the "planner" in me wants to know what to do, when, and how.

I probably won't update much as we go along, but I'm so thankful that you are praying with us about this next step of the journey. I believe once things get rolling, they will go rather quickly since I will be busy with u/s and bloodwork so often... or then again, it may drag on since we will be so anxious to get through it and to the results. Please pray that we will feel God's peace and strength through this cycle and beyond.

Many blessings to you Dear Friends Until next time!

Where have I been?

The question may be easier to explain if it was "Where haven't I been?" Because for the last almost 2 months, I feel like I've been up one hill, down another, turned all around and upside down, and now planted back on my feet to let it all sink in.

When I last blogged we had just come through our second IUI cycle with Dr. Dodds and was able to identify some areas of growth despite the pain of yet another failed cycle. We had kind of settled into the fact that we had to begin again, this time with a bit different regimen than we had had before. Instead, Dr. Dodds called personally to let us know that he thought IVF would be our best option.

That was not at all anything we were prepared to hear. It's not that we were against IVF or that we weren't willing, but it's not something that we were thinking we would get to and if so, not nearly this soon. I do appreciate the fact that Dr. Dodds is not about the money but instead about helping us build our family the best way possible.

Our biggest mountain at this point is trying to get my body to produce mature follicles and release them. With the meds we were using for our IUI cycles, my body just wasn't responding enough. We could increase and change the meds and try another IUI, but then we might end up with too many follicles and end up cancelling the cycle. Instead Dr. Dodds recommended, and we agreed that we try IVF. This way, they can use stronger, more potent meds and control the # of embryos transferred back.

I won't go into too much detail now about the whole procedure. I'm not sure I fully understand it all just yet. We are still processing it all and trusting that the Lord is going to provide the finances, because we have nowhere near what we need for it.

In the meantime, we would appreciate your prayer. Our insurance company is being a booger again. They apparently WILL cover 50% of the meds for IVF, although our nurse, Amy, believes that's not true. Which is fine, but because they aren't denying us prescription coverage, we are not eligble for the Compassionate Care Program through Fertility Lifelines... that program would cover over $1700 of our meds which are estimated right now at $2500. We are still waiting and jumping through the insurance hoops to get that denial. Seems weird that you would want to be denied for coverage, but it will be much less expensive. And in reality, they aren't going to cover the meds... just like they haven't so far!

At any rate, your prayers are appreciated as we press forward into this next HUGE step to trying to begin our family. God is good, of this we are certain, and He knows exactly how this will play out!

What We Learned

It goes without saying that we learned a lot over the course of the last month. It also goes without saying that some of those lessons learned were painful. Very painful. While some of the lessons were painful, we're still thankful that we are traveling the road we are. Not thankful that we have to struggle through infertility, but thankful for what God is accomplishing in and through us as we struggle.

So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.

Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.

Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.

Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.

Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.

Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.

Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.

Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.

Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.

Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.

Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)

So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.

I read a quote the other day that said "Stop worrying about how far you have to go and consider instead how far you've come." I guess that's totally something I needed to hear. Course, then nearly everytime I hear advice, it's something I need to hear.

I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.

Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.

We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.

From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.

I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.

Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.

My Husband!

I've recently been very aware of my husband's role in my life. While I know this post will fall far short of the gratitude and admiration I have for him, I believe it's only fair to brag on him a while.

I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.

Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.

Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.

While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.

I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!

We're Getting There....

I have started this post many times in my head. I go back and forth about how much or how little to share of our journey. At some points I think "that's way too personal to share" and at other points I think "yes, it's painfully honest and personal, but it's truth and it's fact and it answers a lot of people's questions." I'm still not sure where exactly the line is, but I guess I just go with the flow. The main purpose of this blog was to give us a place to release some of the emotions, joy, excitement, frustration, anger that is all to common when struggling with infertility. Yes, I realize that I have a few readers, maybe more than I know, but the main purpose isn't to inform my readers, but to reflect on what we're learning in hopes of possibly reaching out to someone struggling in the same way or even just struggling.

With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.

I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.

At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.

I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!

Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.

Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.

The Mystery of God

I've always loved to sit down with a good mystery book or snuggle up next to Heath and watch a good mystery movie or TV show. You know the "whodunnit" kind. The ones where the story catches you in the beginning, holds you through the middle, and surprises you at the end. Heath is a very good mystery solver, so sometimes it's not always as fun. I on the other hand, although I've gotten better over the years, could not solve a mystery if my life depended on it. Let's just say I would not make a very good detective. So, thank the Lord, I wasn't put on the earth to be a detective.

Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.

But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.

Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.

The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?

God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.

Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.

I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!