It's hard to sometimes even want to acknowledge the title of this post and where we've been over the last 4-6 weeks. We had so hoped, believed, prayed that IVF #1 would be the trick and that we would be well on our way to being parents and holding our miracle. It seems though, that everytime WE plan like that HE steps in and reminds us that HIS plan will reign. And it is during those moments that we are also reminded that although it's painful at the time His plan is really what we want, not our own. After all, He can see the BIG picture, and we only the few steps in front of us. (Granted, those steps feel like mountains right now... even so, praise God for His faithfulness in helping us move mountains!)So, to now be reflecting on IVF #2, is difficult and a bit surreal; however, something I think deserves the time.
This cycle has been so unlike the other cycle in some ways and so very similar at the same time. If you have ever been through IVF more than once, then you know that the first initial fresh cycle is much more intense and involved than the subsequent frozen cycles. For those who have not... a fresh cycle is considered the cycle in which a woman's eggs are harvested, fertilized, and then transferred back to her uterus. Of course, if you produce multiple eggs, then you may choose to freeze the fertilized eggs (embryos) for use in the case that the fresh cycle is unsuccessful, or in the case that you are ready to grow your family. Thus, the frozen cycle... it occurs after a fresh cycle and is quite interesting in the fact that the embryologists thaws the # of embryos to be transferred and two days later, wahlah!, a frozen embryo cycle.
From the beginning I just felt kind of disconnected from the whole process. In the fresh cycle, I was at the office every other day for u/s and bloodwork, whereas, this time they simply called me to tell me when to start my shots and then I never saw them until 18 days before our transfer. It was nice that we saved the time and $$, but still a little scary... Did I remember to take all the pills I was supposed to take? Was that the right injection? The right dose? When do I add this other med? It was stressful in that sense, but also less stressful because I didn't have to be running to the office every other day.
The only thing so far that I have identified as exactly the same is the two week wait. It doesn't matter how many times I go through this, the feelings don't venture far from the first time. It's those feelings of doubt, but then back to trust, slinking down to raw emotions around every corner, to the realization that no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome has already been determined. God already has it figured out and it WILL be good. Maybe not right away. Maybe when the results come in we will be in that numbing state. Maybe we will be planning a nursery. But for sure, we will be praising God who makes all things Good.
I've found myself talking to my babies a lot this time. I think I did last time, but not nearly as much and not with this message. The other day, while I was laying in bed for 2 days, I told them their first story about God. It went kinda like this "Hi babies! I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy have loved you for a really long time. We have prayed for you and hoped for you and waited for you. But you know what, there is someone who loves you even more than we do. God created you into the perfect little life that you are and He loves you. He only wants what is best for you and for mommy and daddy, because you know what, He loves them even more than they love each other and that's a lot of love. If mommy and daddy never get to hold you in our arms, you will always be in our hearts, and we will still be happy because we will know that God is holding you in his hands." I have to be honest... as I finished with tears streaming down my face, I realized that the story might have been more for me than for my babies. It solidified in my mind that God's got this. He knows just what we need. That may never be a baby to hold in our arms, but then I do believe it's something much better!
Oh, dear friends, it's lonely out here.. being a mother without a child... So many of you have passed on prayers and thoughts of encouragement. Bless you, sweet ladies for taking the time to love on a fellow believer. God is good and we are so blessed. May you remember today just how much our GOD LOVES YOU!
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