... and when I say "faces" what I really mean is emotions. And "infertility" is really referring to this most recent hurdle, IVF #1. I had so hoped that I could just call that IVF and not have to number it because we wouldn't have to be moving on to #2, at least not until baby #1 was here. But alas, my plans don't seem to be perfectly aligned with God's just yet.. I guess that's just part of my sinful weak self. I do trust that He has a perfect plan. I know that I say that a lot, but again, my sinful, weak, doubting self needs to be reminded of these promises.
A bookmark from the book I was reading this morning inspired this post... just a simple little bookmark, but such an impact on my thoughts and now this post. The bookmark reads "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -Victor Borge
**On a side note: If you don't know who Victor Borge is, then you must look him up. He is quite the comedian from way back... one who I was only introduced to after I met my husband who is much older and wiser at 40 than my 32 years can usually handle!:-)**
At any rate, that quote got me to thinking about the gammet of emotions that have colored our life over the last few weeks. The same emotions, I guess, that have shaped and changed us over the last 4 years as wel,. Why would something about laughter get me thinking about that? After all, most people in our situation would not think of laughter as being an emotion that colored their journey. Obviously if you have read even one of my posts, you know that the "colors" of our journey have been marred by a lot of grays and blacks and dark colors and not as much of the sunshiney colors of the rainbow. However, laughter is an important part of any journey. It breaks the mood, it makes you realize that you are still alive, it reminds you that you can still have joy in the midst of whatever journey you find yourself on.
I am so thankful for my husband. Heath has been a constant source of joy for me. We laugh a lot even in the middle of some of the most painful things we may ever face. Granted, he has been the reason for many of our spouts of laughter and often I'm laughing at him rather than with him, but he takes it all in stride. God certainly knew I would not survive this journey without laughter and I'm so thankful he saw fit to bring me laughter through my husband's goofy antics. Heath is such a good sport, even if he won't admit it.
After our IVF results, I was glad to be able to get away. My emotions ranged so deeply from one end of the spectrum to the other that I was unsure just how I would react at any given time. I was terrified, and still am a bit, to have to face the many questions at church. We didn't share our journey with everyone, but word did get around, and there are so many people invested in our journey and the results. It's embarrassing to admit that I failed... again. It's hard to have to face people who spent time and energy praying for us, only to report that NO, I am still not pregnant. The emotions ranged from anger that we weren't pregnant, to sadness that people I loved had to be put in the situation, to a realization that they asked because they cared, to relief when they didn't ask, but then in the next minute feeling upset that some people seemed to treat it as nothing when it was so HUGE to us.
God has been faithful with each emotion I was reminded of a song, a verse, a promise from my Father. Something that would bring me out of my funk and into His arms. He taught me that I did not fail. He is the one in control of the situation, He is the one who determines when our little one will be formed, and all of what He does is LOVE, so I did not fail. My responsibility was not to make a pregnancy happen, my responsibility was to follow doctors orders, which I did to a T, and to trust that the Lord had our best interest in mind.
He taught me that the topic was awkward for others, just as it was for me. It hurt them too and it is difficult for them to ask knowing it could cause us pain. He taught me that just as I can not understand the woes and complaints of parenting, they can not understand or know how to react to the pain of empty arms and the heartache of being a mother without a child. He taught me that that is exactly what I am, a mother... at heart. I may not have a child of my own, but I am a child of His and he brings little ones into my life on a daily basis. Children that He has given me the opportunity to love and care for and teach about Him.
And lastly He taught me the importance of not fretting over what He didn't allow, but focusing instead on what He did allow. From the beginning I said "I just want to get some eggs, so that we are on our way." I felt like even if we didn't get pregnant this time, if we had some good viable eggs that fertilized, I would feel encouraged. It didn't take the sting away when we found out this fresh cycle didn't work, but it is encouraging to know that God did allow my body to produce not one, not two, not even three eggs, but TEN mature viable eggs. Of those eggs, He allowed NINE of them to fertilize, TWO of them to be transferred, ONE of them to be ushered into his arms, and SIX of them to continue to grow and make it to the freezing stage. SIX! That means that HE, in His grace has granted us at least one more opportunity.
Oh Father it is so easy for us to dwell on what is not going right in our lives. It's easy to remember the pain and the hurt and to forget the way that you DID work in our lives. Forgive us for doubting your love and faithfulness to us during this journey. We are so thankful that your Perfect timing is reigning, even though that brings us pain right now. We are grateful for the six tiny creations you have made that are waiting for our next round. We are amazed by your faithfulness even in the midst of our doubting. We are strengthened every day by the people you put in our lives. Praise you God, for what you've done in this cycle and what you will continue to do in the days, weeks, and months to come.
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