On Hope

The last few days have been long and hard. I haven't been sleeping well, there's just too much on my mind. From wondering how this will all turn out to fretting over the money to near panic attacks about the meds. Do I have what I need? Will I be able to remember when to take what? Will Heath be able to give me the shots that he has to? How am I ever going to make it through this next month? Will I remember to ask the questions I have?

And those, my sweet friends, are only a glimpse into the many questions and thoughts that swirl around in my head. It's a very fine line that we tread as an infertile couple for you don't want to lose hope, but you are afraid to hope too much.

I can remember some of our first treatments with my OB/GYN. I think at first I thought that we just needed a little medicine and we'd be good. I was so thankful for that little Clomid pill knowing for almost certain that it would help us achieve our dreams. And then as I began to take it and all those crazy meds sunk in, I HATED that pill. I still do. It's an awful drug that puts your body through, well let's be honest, h-e- double hockey sticks... all for nothing, at least in our cycles that was true. Although I know there are others who endured it and came out with their little miracle.

The next few cycles, my hope continued dropped... I kind of doubted each time that the meds were going to work and I wonder if that had an effect on our outcome? I guess I'll not know for sure, but I do know that God' timing is perfect, and so I believe that we are right where He wanted us at just the right time.

Things changed and we were shipped off (that sounds bad, but it wasn't) to Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center, where we began another cycle. I had seen this man in action, I had seen the results that the Lord brought through this facility, and let's just say, I felt very relieved to be there. I felt like we were where we were supposed to be. Yes, I had wished at the time that we had been there sooner, but we also needed to exhaust the milder, less invasive, more natural treatments first, although I think Clomid is as far from natural as you can get! Just walking in the doors, I felt as if I had reclaimed hope and was sure we wouldn' be there long. As good as I felt about it, I still was almost embarrassed to admit we needed to be there. After all, in my mind it meant I was flawed somehow. I would sometimes sit in my car when noone else was with me and wait for the "coast to clear" before sneaking into the building. It was a breath of fresh air when I didn't run into someone walking by. When I was able to get into the office without having to acknowledge to passersby, that yes, I was flawed, and yes I was seeking medical help for something that for others is so easy and natural. It's slowly gotten better and it doesn't really phase me now. Maybe more because I get to my appt right on time instead of having time to wait, or maybe because I have learned that I am so blessed and privileged to be there. I am blessed beyond words for the fact that God has given these doctors and nurses and other professionals to deal with the delicate nature of infertility. I am privileged to be able to afford (although I use that term loosely) to access the treatments and such that The Fertility Center provides. I AM BLESSED! and that is something I have to remind myself every time I head down for another appt. NO matter what I have to endure, no matter what I have or don't have, I AM AND WILL FOREVER BE BLESSED!

I'm not sure I even ever told my husband about these bouts of embarrassment. It would just hurt him more and I feel sometimes like I've done that enough, not of any fault of my own... I just know that it's hard for him to sit by and watch me suffer through these procedures and disappointments. They are his as well... sometimes I laugh at us because we both try to shoulder for the other, to protect one another from more hurt, to be strong when we feel so weak. God has perfectly matched us and I know that's exactly how a true God-built marriage is to be, but it still makes me laugh!

Hope slowly returned and things were looking good and are looking good... so I sometimes wonder why I feel so hopeless right now. I want to be excited. I want to look back over this time and feel joy. I want to live my life even in the midst of all the appts and shots and what not. But I am terrified out of my mind to be hopeful that this cycle of IVF will end in success. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to crash when it doesn't happen. But then, can I afford to be so worried? Will that hinder or harm this cycle? I don't know what to feel. I do however, think it's ok to be a little apprehensive. Each person going through anything tough, has to develop there own means of coping, and I guess mine is being tentative of feeling too much. I don't mean I worry. I don't mean I doubt. I just mean, I don't dwell on it. I have to give it to God or I would go insane. I have to be able to talk about it with Heath and good friends and then let it go. I have to trust that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not, there's a different plan up God's sleeve. I TRUST HIM to do what's the absolute best for us.

I don't really know how to end this post. I feel like I could go on for days about what's going on and how I'm feeling and all that, but then that would be a pretty boring post, so I'll just leave with a verse that is such an encouragement for me right now:

Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

When I chose that as my life verse around the age of 13, I never knew how much it would really apply to my life.