Just a few thoughts...

I thought it would be good to get some thoughts down. As trying and scary and emotional as this process has been, I do want to remember it. There have been funny times... well, they didn't seem funny at the time, but we can laugh about them now. There have been times that I have been so mad I wanted to throw something. And then times I was overcome with joy that I couldn't stop the tears. All in all, I can say it's been quite a process.

I think the first thought that struck me today as I was thinking over it all, is about the outcome. We aren't there yet, we still have some time to go before we know whether all our efforts and our doctors efforts have produced the desired outcome. I don't know how long it will be before we share, but we will at some point. The waiting is difficult. I am constantly second guessing myself. The things I do, the things I eat. Am I preventing my little babies from growing? Have I done anything that might cause those little embryos from continuing to grow and burrow in? But then I remember that this is out of my control. There is only one person in control of that, and that is my Lord. I have done all I'm supposed to do so I just need to sit back and let him work.

I keep thinking "what if we get to the end of this process and still DO NOT have a baby on the way?" That thought leaves me breathless. But then, the thought that immediately follows "What if we get to the end of the process and we DO have a baby on the way?", that possibility leaves me breathless too.

Heath and I have been talking about how much it feels like we are on a teeter totter. One day we feel we are on a high point and we feel positive that the outcome will be good. Then the next time we're on the low side, wondering where we go from here when the outcome is not as we would desire. It's such a hard emotional thing, I feel like I don't even know how to put it into sensible sentences.

I am touched by how much our doctors and nurses are invested in our future. The motto of The Fertility Center is "Build your family with us!" and I truly believe each one of the doctors or nurses I have come into contact with have felt a sense of pride in being a part of that. It amazes me how much they care for each little piece of how this all works. At our embryo transfer appt, we met Dr. Leach, the newest doctor to the facility, for the first time. He was so kind and patient and always checking to see how I was doing. A couple of things really made an impression on me about him. #1 He had the kindest eyes. They held concern, a love for his job, and patience with me. Hope poured out of them and it was a huge encouragement and solidified the fact that he was there for me at that moment in time. #2 Once the procedure was done, HE was the one that moved us to the recovery area, got me settled in bed with my legs propped up, made sure I was comfortable. That was kind of funny to me. Usually, at least in my experience thus far, the nurses were the ones that got me settled and comfy for my wait. I was impressed by it. #3 I knew he was invested in our journey because just before he left us, he squeezed my hand, let me know that they had transferred two very healthy embryos, and with a catch in his throat, said "I wish you the best!" I of course melted into tears at the thought that even he was emotional over our journey. His care for us during the few short minutes we had with him was phenomenal! I tear up even now thinking about that moment over and over again. They aren't just doctors there for a paycheck or to get to the end of the day, they really do LOVE what they do and are so excited to be able to assist couples in building their families.

We have had several people ask us already when we will know whether we are pregnant or not. We have kindly changed the subject or just said "sometime this month" or "soon". The truth is, we're not ready to share all the nitty gritty details with everyone. There are a couple of different reasons for that. For one thing, we need time to process what we have just been through and are still going through. We need time to figure out just how to share our experiences. How much, how little does a person share of this journey through IVF? It's quite a fascinating experience and I'd love to shout it from the mountain tops, but at this point, for our peace of mind, I don't think that would be best. For another reason, we feel like just because our baby journey has been more open and honest and public than those who decide to have a baby, rumble in the hay, and then are pregnant (I mean no disrespect. Praise God if you had it easy.) does not mean we don't deserve all the joy of deciding just when and how to share our news with our family and friends. We've often thought about how we would tell our parents and siblings and I think we should still have that opportunity. On our time not someone else's. And lastly, if we don't have success this first try around, I know there will be a lot of emotions that we have to work through before we are ready to share with others. I wish that you all could see inside my heart and could understand more clearly these musings of this emotional infertile girl! :-)

Reading over this post, it seems like the most scatterbrained post I've ever written. I guess I can't do anything more about that... the words and emotions are jumbled in my brain. Getting them out, helps me think more clearly, but it also makes for a jumbled post. So sorry, maybe things will shape up here soon. Until then, please keep praying with us that the Lord's will continue to be done in our lives. After all, that is our true desire!