It goes without saying that the journey down the road of infertility is hard. The ups and downs are constant. Sometimes the downs last only minutes and other times they last longer and go deeper than any of the joys you can highlight from the journey. I often commented that I don't know how a person gets through something this personal and emotional without the Love and hope of the Father... and at the same time, a believer may have a more difficult time. You see, Satan, doesn't really care about those that don't put their trust in the One True God. He'd rather spend his time working on the one's that do put their trust in the One True God. That's when those down times become even more potent and painful... because as much as you want to get back up and try again, Satan kicks you when your down. He begins talking and sometimes we begin listening and before we know what's hit us, we are in a deep pit of downness (new word!). A pit that doesn't even allow you to see the light of day and the little joys of life. Instead you begin this self pity party, you become jealous of anything and everything that everyone else seems to have that you don't, you spend your time thinking about what you don't have instead of what you do have, and before you know it, your life and the life of those closest to you is miserable.
I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.
I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.
For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...
Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)
Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!
With Power from My God,
Lisa
The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....
3.22.2011
3.10.2011
Change in Plans...
It is amazing to me how God works when we least expect it. Not that we expect Him not to work, but a lot of times, I think we get caught up in the factual elements of our situation and forget that God is far from only factual... He doesn't need big bank accounts or medicine deposits or endorsements from well-knowns to accomplish His purpose in our lives. No, all He needs is a person willing and ready to be used by Him in a powerful way.
It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.
I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.
Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.
I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!
I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.
We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.
We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!
Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!
It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.
I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.
Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.
I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!
I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.
We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.
We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!
Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!
3.03.2011
I have thought about and started this blog many times. So many words have passed through my mind, I'm not sure what ones I should actually use. Not sure what ones are the important ones to post. I know this, God is speaking to me lately and I need to share with you just how.
Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.
We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.
We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.
It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.
The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.
I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"
Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.
We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.
We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.
It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.
The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.
I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"
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