We have had an emotional few days. It all started on Sunday with our Pastor's sermon... The Expectancy of Christmas. The sermon was about the fact that we so often get wrapped up in the point of Christmas being the birth of Jesus, that we forget that it is actually just the beginning. In bringing His son to the earth, God was fulfilling the prophesies and the promises... the expectancy of Christmas is not the birth of Jesus, but the fact that God fulfilled what was told and He will do so again at His second coming.
The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!
Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!
Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.
The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!
We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.
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