A few things I'm pondering...

We are at my parents spending the night so that we can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with them this afternoon. Since we were in town and Nikki was busy, we took our 5 mo old niece, Mackenna for the night. Isabelle tagged along so we have both of our Hastings nieces with us. So fun!

It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.

Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..

I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.

Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.