Back to Square One

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. In fact, today was one of those days. We felt so hopeful going into our ultra/sound, but alas, the hope was for naught, because our potential babies were back down to less than 1cm.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.

I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.