As I begin writing this post, I am sitting in my living room staring out at the beautiful sunny day and dreaming about the day that I will hopefully be a mom and this quiet will be interrupted by baby coos and toddler giggles. The day when I can't sleep in until 8:30 but instead am awakened to the sweet sounds of my daughter or son calling out for Mommy or Daddy. Yet as I dream of that, I realize that it may be just a dream and never a reality.
We were faced this week with a situation that may cause us to make the very difficult decision to take a break from our baby journey. Back in February, I had exploratory surgery that was the basis for getting us started on infertility meds. At the time, we received a letter of approval from our insurance company, and knowing that they were going to cover the surgery 100% we moved forward with the surgery and after that the infertility meds. Now, 6 months later, we received notification from them stating that those claims were paid in error and we are responsible for over $2000 worth of medical bills. We do not have that kind of money just sitting around... it will take us months to pay it off... in the meantime, we also know that if our insurance is going to do this with every procedure, it is not a journey we have the finances for. We are appealing this decision by the insurance company and would love your prayers as the waiting is going to be anxious filled.
I feel frustrated. I feel defeated. And there are times that, even after what seems like so little time (in the infertility world anyway), I would like to throw in the towel and resign myself to knowing that it will be just the two of us forever. Infertility causes a pain that one cannot know unless you have traveled through it yourself. There are days that you feel hopeful and on track and you just know good things are coming. And there are days, like today, that you feel like if you see one more bulging baby belly or hear one more cliche' phrase like "It'll happen","You've still got time", "God ALWAYS knows best".... you would like to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again. You see, those phrases only sound good to those who are sharing them. I'm not doubting God or his BEST for me. I'm not losing hope, I'm just having a rough day.
We don't know whether we will be able to continue treatments. The financial burden is heavy. The clomid, so far, does not seem to be doing the trick for getting me ovulating. Next step would be a higher dose of Clomid. Dr. Pete will only up the dosage one more time before he recommends Intra-uterine insemination, where they inject the sperm directly where it needs to go at the appropriate time. The costs when we go to this procedure jump up considerable from the $40-$60/ month we are paying now. On top of that, again, the insurance company will not pay much of it. And if that doesn't work, then it's on to IVF, but again, big financial burden. Next? Would be adoption... an even bigger expense both financially and emotionally.
At any rate you can see why our minds are wandering to the what "ifs" of this journey. We're just not sure what God has planned. And it scares us to think that His plan might be for us to be "just the two of us" for the rest of our lives. We wonder... is this insurance scare, the Lord closing the door on our infertility journey? Or is it him opening a door to be able to show how Amazing our God is? Or is it just a way for us to be brought back to Him... to trust Him... to give our worries and anxieties to Him? I don't know... right now I feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities.
It is hard to watch my husband's face and eyes light up as a child walks into the room. Or watch him rush to his niece to make her smile and kiss her precious cheeks. Beautiful, but hard, because that's how it's supposed to be only I can't give that to him... The pain of watching him cry over not being a father yet, is more unbearable than the pain that my empty arms cause me. It is physically painful to watch him and to share his sadness. He is such a good man.. He deserves to be a daddy and I know that if that Lord grants us that blessing, he will be the BEST!
For now, we continue putting one foot in front of the other. We continue waking up to a new morning each day. We press on the only way we know how.... by putting on a smile and expressing thankfulness for every day we are given and all the ways God has provided so far. We hold on to the hope of the things we haven't seen and can't imagine. We accept our infertility as an opportunity to reach out to others and to grow in our trust. And we dream... we never stop dreaming about all the possibilities!
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