It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...

There are several times that I have begun to write this post, but I always stopped after clicking NEW POST. While I knew what I was feeling, the words just wouldn't come. Even as I'm beginning now, the words are all jumbled in my mind. They swirl around waiting for me to place them in the correct order to express myself. There are many times that I know what I want to say, but then I worry about how my message might be taken. So, in hopes of not hitting someone wrongly, I suffer silently with those words just continuing to swirl around in my head. I suspect that many women (and men) who deal with infertility suffer in the same way. We walk through malls and watch expectant mothers caress their ever growing bellies and it feels like a stab to us. An ever present reminder of what we don't and may never have. We watch commercials on TV that inform us of the best baby products out there. The ones we don't need. We go to baby showers and sit in rooms with multiple expectant mothers and we listen to stories of their labor and delivery and how hard it was. And some of them even have the guts to say that they never want to do it again. I wonder if they understand what a miracle they have just experienced. What a blessing that is... a gift... something that not everyone will get to experience. At first glance, as a woman struggling with infertility, their comments seem harsh and inconsiderate. And we suffer silently. We smile and nod our heads and exclaim "Yipes!" and "Oh!" in all the right spots. But deep down, we can't get out of that conversation fast enough. It's not that we don't want to hear their stories, it's more that in mere seconds we could dissolve into a puddle of tears. Tears that are hard to explain or understand unless you are a woman struggling with infertility.

For the first time last night I had this happen to me. My good friend, Kara, told me that I would get to a time when it would be difficult to attend baby showers. While I respected her words, I honestly thought that I was strong enough to push the tears and feelings down at least long enough to get through a baby shower. But my friend, you were right... The nerves started in the afternoon as I began to count in my head the number of expectant mothers I would have to encounter last evening. I knew there would be at least 3 because the shower was for 2 of them and my sister was the other. Little did I know I would encounter 6... I had prepared my self for 3, but 6!?!? That was just a cruel joke. I walked in the door and felt immediately out of place... almost invisible because I wasn't one of them, and at the same time as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and INFERTILITY was engraved on my forehead for the whole world to see. I cuddled with my nieces and talked with my sister and successfully pushed the tears further down from the surface praying that it would work and the shower would go quickly. I tried to avoid talking to anyone but my family, because I knew that tears were so close that any question, might set me off. And I am convinced, it would have worked too, but one question (I don't even know what it was), and I was in tears. Embarrassed. Rushing to give up my new niece that I had, so that I could run to the bathroom before anyone noticed.

I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant or be able to experience the joy of holding our child for the first time. I don't know if I will ever get to smell that sweet baby smell, to share smiles with our son or daughter, or to dwell on the miracle of God's gift of our child. I don't know if I will be able to continually encounter and rejoice with other expectant mothers. What I do know is that God is still blessing us. Despite my heartache, embarrassment, tears upon tears, silent suffering, frustrations, daily ovulation tests that show I'm not ovulating, and monthly pregnancy tests that read negative, God is still good. Those are not words that come easily, but in my heart, I still know they are true.

A few weeks ago, we received a letter from our Insurance company that we needed to pay $2100 towards the surgery that I had in February. A surgery that was pre-approved in writing by our insurance company and had already been paid in full by them. It was not until after the fact, 6 months after, to be exact, that they dug around and decided it had to do with infertility and our 50% co-pay would be required. We appealed in writing and sent post-operative notes from Dr. Pete the next week and received a letter about a week later (last Tuesday) that they were reviewing our case and we should hear by Sept 18. As we read that letter, we continued to pray, as we had been, that the right person would read our letter of appeal and post-operative notes and would push it through. We settled in, thinking we would have to wait another 3 weeks to hear the final decision, gearing up to have to fight more. Instead, God had a different plan. Three days later (last Friday), we received another letter that said our case had been reviewed and according to our testimony and the post-operative notes, the surgery was not considered infertility-related and would be covered as it was. We would not be required to pay the $2100. Praise God! He is working, He is good, He is greater and stronger and higher than any other, namely our insurance company.

I don't really know how to close this post except to say... Thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying!