... and when I say "faces" what I really mean is emotions. And "infertility" is really referring to this most recent hurdle, IVF #1. I had so hoped that I could just call that IVF and not have to number it because we wouldn't have to be moving on to #2, at least not until baby #1 was here. But alas, my plans don't seem to be perfectly aligned with God's just yet.. I guess that's just part of my sinful weak self. I do trust that He has a perfect plan. I know that I say that a lot, but again, my sinful, weak, doubting self needs to be reminded of these promises.
A bookmark from the book I was reading this morning inspired this post... just a simple little bookmark, but such an impact on my thoughts and now this post. The bookmark reads "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -Victor Borge
**On a side note: If you don't know who Victor Borge is, then you must look him up. He is quite the comedian from way back... one who I was only introduced to after I met my husband who is much older and wiser at 40 than my 32 years can usually handle!:-)**
At any rate, that quote got me to thinking about the gammet of emotions that have colored our life over the last few weeks. The same emotions, I guess, that have shaped and changed us over the last 4 years as wel,. Why would something about laughter get me thinking about that? After all, most people in our situation would not think of laughter as being an emotion that colored their journey. Obviously if you have read even one of my posts, you know that the "colors" of our journey have been marred by a lot of grays and blacks and dark colors and not as much of the sunshiney colors of the rainbow. However, laughter is an important part of any journey. It breaks the mood, it makes you realize that you are still alive, it reminds you that you can still have joy in the midst of whatever journey you find yourself on.
I am so thankful for my husband. Heath has been a constant source of joy for me. We laugh a lot even in the middle of some of the most painful things we may ever face. Granted, he has been the reason for many of our spouts of laughter and often I'm laughing at him rather than with him, but he takes it all in stride. God certainly knew I would not survive this journey without laughter and I'm so thankful he saw fit to bring me laughter through my husband's goofy antics. Heath is such a good sport, even if he won't admit it.
After our IVF results, I was glad to be able to get away. My emotions ranged so deeply from one end of the spectrum to the other that I was unsure just how I would react at any given time. I was terrified, and still am a bit, to have to face the many questions at church. We didn't share our journey with everyone, but word did get around, and there are so many people invested in our journey and the results. It's embarrassing to admit that I failed... again. It's hard to have to face people who spent time and energy praying for us, only to report that NO, I am still not pregnant. The emotions ranged from anger that we weren't pregnant, to sadness that people I loved had to be put in the situation, to a realization that they asked because they cared, to relief when they didn't ask, but then in the next minute feeling upset that some people seemed to treat it as nothing when it was so HUGE to us.
God has been faithful with each emotion I was reminded of a song, a verse, a promise from my Father. Something that would bring me out of my funk and into His arms. He taught me that I did not fail. He is the one in control of the situation, He is the one who determines when our little one will be formed, and all of what He does is LOVE, so I did not fail. My responsibility was not to make a pregnancy happen, my responsibility was to follow doctors orders, which I did to a T, and to trust that the Lord had our best interest in mind.
He taught me that the topic was awkward for others, just as it was for me. It hurt them too and it is difficult for them to ask knowing it could cause us pain. He taught me that just as I can not understand the woes and complaints of parenting, they can not understand or know how to react to the pain of empty arms and the heartache of being a mother without a child. He taught me that that is exactly what I am, a mother... at heart. I may not have a child of my own, but I am a child of His and he brings little ones into my life on a daily basis. Children that He has given me the opportunity to love and care for and teach about Him.
And lastly He taught me the importance of not fretting over what He didn't allow, but focusing instead on what He did allow. From the beginning I said "I just want to get some eggs, so that we are on our way." I felt like even if we didn't get pregnant this time, if we had some good viable eggs that fertilized, I would feel encouraged. It didn't take the sting away when we found out this fresh cycle didn't work, but it is encouraging to know that God did allow my body to produce not one, not two, not even three eggs, but TEN mature viable eggs. Of those eggs, He allowed NINE of them to fertilize, TWO of them to be transferred, ONE of them to be ushered into his arms, and SIX of them to continue to grow and make it to the freezing stage. SIX! That means that HE, in His grace has granted us at least one more opportunity.
Oh Father it is so easy for us to dwell on what is not going right in our lives. It's easy to remember the pain and the hurt and to forget the way that you DID work in our lives. Forgive us for doubting your love and faithfulness to us during this journey. We are so thankful that your Perfect timing is reigning, even though that brings us pain right now. We are grateful for the six tiny creations you have made that are waiting for our next round. We are amazed by your faithfulness even in the midst of our doubting. We are strengthened every day by the people you put in our lives. Praise you God, for what you've done in this cycle and what you will continue to do in the days, weeks, and months to come.
2.17.2012
2.16.2012
A lot has happened in one week and I'm feeling like it's time to share. Not so that I can read everyone's reactions or endure everyone's pitying stares, but rather so that I can feel normal again. As if I even know what normal is.... for goodness sakes, that's scary to say and oh so true. Normal for us lately has been doctors appointments, syringes, needles, ultrasound probes, bedrest, heavy hearts, tears, zombie-like actions, pills, vitamins, gauze pads, alcohol swabs, thousands of dollars, maxed out credit cards, and a lot of nothing that felt normal. Or maybe it did feel normal to us and that's why I feel so out of sorts now. With no meds, no appts, no needles or vials of blood, I don't quite know what to do with myself. Perhaps that's part of the sadness that has settled in around my heart. Perhaps with the lack of those things, I realize just how abnormal our life was becoming. I think back over all that we've been through and I don't know if I can even remember a time when we weren't fighting for our fertility. I'm sad that since we've been married, we have been fighting to have a child and I wonder if that has been good for us. I won't deny that we have grown in our love for one another and I can't dismiss the fact that we are who we are today with the faith that we have today, because of our fight. But I also can't help but wonder, what a normal marriage that's not fighting fertility looks like. What is life without that fight actually like? I'm convinced that if it's not fertility, it's something else that is a struggle, but infertility is such an emotional battle... it's so difficult!
One week ago today, the day before Heath's 40th Birthday, we found out that our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. I won't lie, we felt completely defeated. Even as much as we have learned to try not to get our hopes up, we felt like we hit bottom. I don't remember feeling that way with other failed cycles. Our nurse called us around 3:30. Heath had taken the day off because he wanted to be here when they called. Each hour that passed as we waited felt like an eternity. And each minute that passed, I doubted a little bit more. I knew as soon as the nurse answered that the results were negative. Somehow I realized that if they were positive, she wouldn't have sounded so solemn. I'm pretty sure that's a tough call for them to have to make and it made me sad that she struggled with it. As soon as I hung up Heath and I crumbled into a heap of sobs that I'm pretty sure woke little Aurelia up. Heath was strong. He went down and got her. I love her so much, but it was a difficult hour and a half until her mommy came to get her. She was a reminder of what we may never have. I think all the emotions that had been working up over the month of appts and meds and procedures and what not, finally came crashing down on us. We grieved... it felt/feels like a death in the family. I guess if you want to get technical, it was since the embryos they transferred are considered LIFE. We both wanted to crawl into bed and sleep away the pain and we probably would have, had we not planned to celebrate Heath's b-day with my family at Logan's that night. When we planned the dinner, we had made clear that we reserved the right to not attend, depending on the results of our test. We knew that we would not feel like celebrating if things turned out as they did. I called my mom to let her know we weren't coming and I couldn't hold back the sobs... with a little coaxing from her, we did go to dinner and I cuddled with my nieces and nephews, but my heart was certainly not there. I'm pretty sure I did not taste the food that I was eating. It was important for us to keep moving, try to carry out normal activities, but it was incredibly painful.
We slept good that night. We were mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted from the last month of activity leading up to that day and those results. I gave Heath his b-day present that night because I wanted to cheer him up. I had secretly gotten him the day off work. He later told me, that after Thursday's results, he was going to call in anyway... he just didn't have the energy to put in a day's work. I also let him in on the secret gift/trip I had been planning for months. We were headed to his frst Red Wings game and then we'd stay for the weekend and do whatever struck our fancy. I did not know when I started planning this trip away that it would come on the heels of such devastating news in our baby department, but God did. We didn't come back all refreshed and ready to jump back in the saddle, but we were able to hide away where noone knew what we were sad about and we didn't have to talk about it to anyone besides each other and then only if we decided to. And we didn't really. We said a few passing comments here and there, but for the most part we stared blankly at whatever it was we were watching on TV; we ate, but didn't really taste the food, we enjoyed the heat from the fireplace in our room, but we still felt numb; we pressed on through the days, but couldn't wait till night when we could fall into bed and sleep away the pain. Our one redeeming activity, was the Red Wings game. We had a fun time at the game, forgot about our pain, talked with the season ticket holders next to us, and lost our voices as we cheered the Wings to victory. It was such a blessing.
On Saturday, we headed to Cabela's for a couple of hours. We LOVE that store... even if we don't have any money to spend there. On our way there, we got news that Aunt Lynn had passed away. Apparently when it rains, it pours... isn't that what they say, whoever "they" is.
Sunday, still feeling in a funk, we headed back home, not really ready to face the day or the week ahead. We were still exhausted and just wanted more time for us. More time to process what we'd just been through and the results and where we were headed. More time to avoid having to face all the pitying stares, the hugs, the cliche phrases. We just weren't ready... not yet. God had different plans. Things that were meant to heal even though as they were happening, I kept thinking "what in the world is He thinking?". On our way home from Detroit, we were blessed with an opportunity to spend time with our family at Ada Bible Church for our little nephew Logan's dedication. It is in actuality not really a dedication of the child, but more of the parents to raise their children in a godly loving home that points them to Christ. As we sat in the parking lot waiting for the family to show up, I will admit my nerves were on high alert. I prayed for strength because I knew that going to a child dedication just days after being told we didn't have a child on the way was going to be a pretty difficult place to be. We wouldn't have missed it for the world, but I can seriously tell you I was second guessing the wisdom of us being there. After all, the little room we would be in, would be filled with energy and noises that only children can make. A happy place, for certain, but a realy tough place considering what we had just come through. I am amazed at how God sustains us through these times... when we feel like we could not take one more step, he holds us up, pushes us through the door, and encourages us to keep on keeping on. The phone rang as we waited and it was my sister-in-law. She was calling to see if we were there yet, but more importantly she was calling because they, as the parents of little Logan, were told to choose one person, family or friend, who had been and would be a godly influence on Logan and would impact both them and Logan as they raised him. I was floored, speechless, and in tears as she told me that after talking about it, I was the person they had decided fit the bill. I still don't know why they picked me. Maybe they were feeling sorry for me, but my prayer is that they have seen in me the faith that gives me strength to press through this journey. I pray that the reason they picked me was not because I had no children and it would be nice to let me be that person, but rather because they see the heart that beats in me for Christ and His children. I did not have to do anything fancy at the service, I was merely to be a witness to their dedication to raising Logan in a godly home. The original plan was that Ty, Heather, Logan, and I would gather at a certain time in the program to pray. I was ok with that.. I figured I could handle that, even as I cried to Heath "Why would they choose me?" We actually ended up gathering with the entire Erb and Guernsey families, Heather read a letter that they had written to Logan outlining their commitment to him, and through tears Ty asked me to pray. I know my voice sounded shaky, I broke down when I thanked God for the blessing of that precious little child, but I made it through my prayer.
As difficult as that felt, I know now, that that was God's work in me. A pathway to healing. Just a little piece of encouragement for my day. An understanding kind of came over me during that service... one that hurt, but that was a blessing at the same time. I realized, maybe for the first time, that if I never had a child of my own, I would be ok. If I never had a baby to cuddle to sleep at night or I never had a chance to watch Heath's eyes light up at the sight of his own flesh and blood, I would survive. Because I have the opportunity every day, with the kids I come into contact with, to point them to Christ. A chance to instill in my nieces and nephews and sweet little people God brings into my life, lessons about faith and God's love and provision and His strength even when the road is tough.
It has been one very tough week... I don't think I felt like we came out of that fog and numbness until yesterday. That's not to say we aren't still sad, and we definitely have our moments of tears and doubt, the fog still rolls in every now and then, and we sometimes find ourselves in quite a funk... but that's ok and to be expected. The important thing is that we aren't becoming bitter, we aren't falling into a sinking hole of sadness, we aren't giving up... we are trusting, we are learning to smile again, and we are healing one little moment at a time.
One week ago today, the day before Heath's 40th Birthday, we found out that our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. I won't lie, we felt completely defeated. Even as much as we have learned to try not to get our hopes up, we felt like we hit bottom. I don't remember feeling that way with other failed cycles. Our nurse called us around 3:30. Heath had taken the day off because he wanted to be here when they called. Each hour that passed as we waited felt like an eternity. And each minute that passed, I doubted a little bit more. I knew as soon as the nurse answered that the results were negative. Somehow I realized that if they were positive, she wouldn't have sounded so solemn. I'm pretty sure that's a tough call for them to have to make and it made me sad that she struggled with it. As soon as I hung up Heath and I crumbled into a heap of sobs that I'm pretty sure woke little Aurelia up. Heath was strong. He went down and got her. I love her so much, but it was a difficult hour and a half until her mommy came to get her. She was a reminder of what we may never have. I think all the emotions that had been working up over the month of appts and meds and procedures and what not, finally came crashing down on us. We grieved... it felt/feels like a death in the family. I guess if you want to get technical, it was since the embryos they transferred are considered LIFE. We both wanted to crawl into bed and sleep away the pain and we probably would have, had we not planned to celebrate Heath's b-day with my family at Logan's that night. When we planned the dinner, we had made clear that we reserved the right to not attend, depending on the results of our test. We knew that we would not feel like celebrating if things turned out as they did. I called my mom to let her know we weren't coming and I couldn't hold back the sobs... with a little coaxing from her, we did go to dinner and I cuddled with my nieces and nephews, but my heart was certainly not there. I'm pretty sure I did not taste the food that I was eating. It was important for us to keep moving, try to carry out normal activities, but it was incredibly painful.
We slept good that night. We were mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted from the last month of activity leading up to that day and those results. I gave Heath his b-day present that night because I wanted to cheer him up. I had secretly gotten him the day off work. He later told me, that after Thursday's results, he was going to call in anyway... he just didn't have the energy to put in a day's work. I also let him in on the secret gift/trip I had been planning for months. We were headed to his frst Red Wings game and then we'd stay for the weekend and do whatever struck our fancy. I did not know when I started planning this trip away that it would come on the heels of such devastating news in our baby department, but God did. We didn't come back all refreshed and ready to jump back in the saddle, but we were able to hide away where noone knew what we were sad about and we didn't have to talk about it to anyone besides each other and then only if we decided to. And we didn't really. We said a few passing comments here and there, but for the most part we stared blankly at whatever it was we were watching on TV; we ate, but didn't really taste the food, we enjoyed the heat from the fireplace in our room, but we still felt numb; we pressed on through the days, but couldn't wait till night when we could fall into bed and sleep away the pain. Our one redeeming activity, was the Red Wings game. We had a fun time at the game, forgot about our pain, talked with the season ticket holders next to us, and lost our voices as we cheered the Wings to victory. It was such a blessing.
On Saturday, we headed to Cabela's for a couple of hours. We LOVE that store... even if we don't have any money to spend there. On our way there, we got news that Aunt Lynn had passed away. Apparently when it rains, it pours... isn't that what they say, whoever "they" is.
Sunday, still feeling in a funk, we headed back home, not really ready to face the day or the week ahead. We were still exhausted and just wanted more time for us. More time to process what we'd just been through and the results and where we were headed. More time to avoid having to face all the pitying stares, the hugs, the cliche phrases. We just weren't ready... not yet. God had different plans. Things that were meant to heal even though as they were happening, I kept thinking "what in the world is He thinking?". On our way home from Detroit, we were blessed with an opportunity to spend time with our family at Ada Bible Church for our little nephew Logan's dedication. It is in actuality not really a dedication of the child, but more of the parents to raise their children in a godly loving home that points them to Christ. As we sat in the parking lot waiting for the family to show up, I will admit my nerves were on high alert. I prayed for strength because I knew that going to a child dedication just days after being told we didn't have a child on the way was going to be a pretty difficult place to be. We wouldn't have missed it for the world, but I can seriously tell you I was second guessing the wisdom of us being there. After all, the little room we would be in, would be filled with energy and noises that only children can make. A happy place, for certain, but a realy tough place considering what we had just come through. I am amazed at how God sustains us through these times... when we feel like we could not take one more step, he holds us up, pushes us through the door, and encourages us to keep on keeping on. The phone rang as we waited and it was my sister-in-law. She was calling to see if we were there yet, but more importantly she was calling because they, as the parents of little Logan, were told to choose one person, family or friend, who had been and would be a godly influence on Logan and would impact both them and Logan as they raised him. I was floored, speechless, and in tears as she told me that after talking about it, I was the person they had decided fit the bill. I still don't know why they picked me. Maybe they were feeling sorry for me, but my prayer is that they have seen in me the faith that gives me strength to press through this journey. I pray that the reason they picked me was not because I had no children and it would be nice to let me be that person, but rather because they see the heart that beats in me for Christ and His children. I did not have to do anything fancy at the service, I was merely to be a witness to their dedication to raising Logan in a godly home. The original plan was that Ty, Heather, Logan, and I would gather at a certain time in the program to pray. I was ok with that.. I figured I could handle that, even as I cried to Heath "Why would they choose me?" We actually ended up gathering with the entire Erb and Guernsey families, Heather read a letter that they had written to Logan outlining their commitment to him, and through tears Ty asked me to pray. I know my voice sounded shaky, I broke down when I thanked God for the blessing of that precious little child, but I made it through my prayer.
As difficult as that felt, I know now, that that was God's work in me. A pathway to healing. Just a little piece of encouragement for my day. An understanding kind of came over me during that service... one that hurt, but that was a blessing at the same time. I realized, maybe for the first time, that if I never had a child of my own, I would be ok. If I never had a baby to cuddle to sleep at night or I never had a chance to watch Heath's eyes light up at the sight of his own flesh and blood, I would survive. Because I have the opportunity every day, with the kids I come into contact with, to point them to Christ. A chance to instill in my nieces and nephews and sweet little people God brings into my life, lessons about faith and God's love and provision and His strength even when the road is tough.
It has been one very tough week... I don't think I felt like we came out of that fog and numbness until yesterday. That's not to say we aren't still sad, and we definitely have our moments of tears and doubt, the fog still rolls in every now and then, and we sometimes find ourselves in quite a funk... but that's ok and to be expected. The important thing is that we aren't becoming bitter, we aren't falling into a sinking hole of sadness, we aren't giving up... we are trusting, we are learning to smile again, and we are healing one little moment at a time.
2.09.2012
A Day which Shall Live in Infamy
Over this forever long 2WW (two week wait, for those of you not down with the infertility lingo... I HATE that I am!)I have been looking back over my infertility journal and noting milestones. Staring at pages and pages of the last nearly 4 years of my life has been tough. It's tough to see how much time and energy we have put into this baby journey with no return. It's tough to relive some of the moments that were so upsetting, and fun at the same time to see how God has worked through our journey. I have kept quite an extensive journal for a few reasons. #1- I always want to remember where we've been so that I don't lose sight of where we're going. #2- I want to be able to recall what worked when and how things all played out. #3- I'd never remember what meds I took when or how long we've been on this journey if I didn't write it all down to reference at any time. As I began flipping through things over the past couple of months today's date jumped off the page at me. It seems like February 9th has been a day of milestones over the last 4 years and that's something I couldn't just let pass by without mentioning it. It's just too cool of a God thing!
February 9, 2009- The day I first walked into Dr. Kitts office to get that ball rolling, so to speak, in the baby department. It was possibly the most nerve-wracking day of my life. For one thing, I stepped into the office of a completely new doctor. Someone I had never met, but that was my doctor since getting married and moving to Cedar. I think I would have rather driven to Hastings, but then I didn't really like my family doctor there either. I remember thinking, that although it was the beginning, it wouldn't last long and we'd get some medicine, maybe some tips, and we'd be on our way to parenthood. Obviously, God had different plans, because that was 4 years ago and here we are still waiting! The funniest thing to this day about Dr. Kitts (of course, you know if you've read my blog that I didn't remain his patient) is that as he talks to you about what might be wrong or might be done, he draws pictures on this little white board that's on the backside of every exam room door. Just imagine, Dr. Kitts, this little short man with graying hair, drawing pictures of my uterus and ovaries... like I'm some kindergartner that needs to see to believe I have tons of little cyst on my ovaries. Ah, yes, Feb 9th, 2009, quite the day!
February 9, 2010- Having spent entirely too long with that drawing Dr. Kitts, in July of 2009, we moved on to greener pastures. Dr. Kitts wanted to refer me to one of "his buddies", but if they were anything like him, I had no interest, so I had asked around and found an OB/GYN of my choosing. I won't lie, I chose my OB/GYN based on where I wanted to have my babies. But it just so happened, that the one I chose, Dr. Pete, was also highly recommended by Heath's cousin. Dr. Pete didn't draw pictures so that was a relief, and he was aggressive in treatment which was one thing that really drew me to him. Anyway, this February 9th, marks the day of my laporscopy/hysteroscopy. A pretty painful embarrassing surgery that produced some good things and brought some not-so-good things to our attention. I had recently had a hysterosalpingogram(HSG- aka the dye test) done and the Left tube appeared to be blocked. During the laporoscopy; however, there was no blockage in the left tube and the dye flowed freely. A praise God moment! On the down side, it was discovered that I had stage 2 endometriosis (endo). I guess it didn't really come as a surprise considering the many years that I had spent having very few periods. If the endometrium lining of the uterus was not flowing out every month, it had to be going somewhere. For me, it was depositing itself on the ovaries, which was further inhibiting my abilities to ovulate like a normal person. Again, a day that was a huge milestone to understanding our infertility.
February 9, 2011- After more than a year of monitoring, procedures, and appointments, and after more than 6 failed cycles of Clomid, Dr. Pete referred us to Dr. Dodds (his mentor, which I thought was kind of neat- and one of "his buddies" that I didn't mind being referred to since I was impressed with Dr. Pete's care)at the Fertility Center. This day was our first consultation with Dr. Dodds. The first time we sat across the desk from a fertility specialist, and the first time our hope was rekindled after such a long battle. We sat across the desk from Dr. Dodds and I'm sure there were tears shed as we told him our story from our point of view. He of course had the official records, but he took the time to listen. I remember him being impressed that we were so involved and proactive about our care. He complimented us on being prepared and knowledgeable about what we had been through and where we were going. How can you not be? When you want something, you really work for it... especially when what you want is an expression of the overflowing love you have with your spouse. Yes, this day, is not the least in our list of February 9th occurrences.
Finally, February 9, 2012- Today. The end of IVF#1- The results. The day that I will be poked possibly for the last time on this infertility journey. Our blood test to determine the results of our IVF. Are we or are we not pregnant? A HUGE milestone. One that I don't think I ever thought would be here. The day that determines our next few months. Positive and we will begin planning for baby. Painting the room, gathering supplies, jumping up and down for joy. Negative and we will likely melt into yet another puddle of tears. We will look back over the last couple of months and cry for all the time, energy, thousands of dollars, and HOPE that have been lost. We will probably NOT go join our family for Heath's birthday dinner. What kind of birthday dinner would that be? Maybe we'll sit at home feeling numbed by the news and watch whatever pointless show seems to be on TV. Maybe we'll crawl into bed and hope to never have to wake up. Or maybe we'll bury ourselves in a good book, hoping to not have to face reality. It's funny how I can think of more things to do if it's negative than if it's positive. I guess that just goes to show you how easily it is to doubt... and how difficult it is to hope. Doubt, despair, NEGATIVE tests are what's been ingrained in us over the past 4 years. That doesn't meant that's what is going to happen to us today, but it is what we know. Positive or negative, today marks a HUGE milestone in our journey. And positive or negative we still feel blessed by a God who lets nothing touch us that is not for our best.
December 7, 1941, may have been our nation's "day which shall live in infamy", but February 9th, 2012 can be classified as none other than our own personal "day which shall live in infamy".
February 9, 2009- The day I first walked into Dr. Kitts office to get that ball rolling, so to speak, in the baby department. It was possibly the most nerve-wracking day of my life. For one thing, I stepped into the office of a completely new doctor. Someone I had never met, but that was my doctor since getting married and moving to Cedar. I think I would have rather driven to Hastings, but then I didn't really like my family doctor there either. I remember thinking, that although it was the beginning, it wouldn't last long and we'd get some medicine, maybe some tips, and we'd be on our way to parenthood. Obviously, God had different plans, because that was 4 years ago and here we are still waiting! The funniest thing to this day about Dr. Kitts (of course, you know if you've read my blog that I didn't remain his patient) is that as he talks to you about what might be wrong or might be done, he draws pictures on this little white board that's on the backside of every exam room door. Just imagine, Dr. Kitts, this little short man with graying hair, drawing pictures of my uterus and ovaries... like I'm some kindergartner that needs to see to believe I have tons of little cyst on my ovaries. Ah, yes, Feb 9th, 2009, quite the day!
February 9, 2010- Having spent entirely too long with that drawing Dr. Kitts, in July of 2009, we moved on to greener pastures. Dr. Kitts wanted to refer me to one of "his buddies", but if they were anything like him, I had no interest, so I had asked around and found an OB/GYN of my choosing. I won't lie, I chose my OB/GYN based on where I wanted to have my babies. But it just so happened, that the one I chose, Dr. Pete, was also highly recommended by Heath's cousin. Dr. Pete didn't draw pictures so that was a relief, and he was aggressive in treatment which was one thing that really drew me to him. Anyway, this February 9th, marks the day of my laporscopy/hysteroscopy. A pretty painful embarrassing surgery that produced some good things and brought some not-so-good things to our attention. I had recently had a hysterosalpingogram(HSG- aka the dye test) done and the Left tube appeared to be blocked. During the laporoscopy; however, there was no blockage in the left tube and the dye flowed freely. A praise God moment! On the down side, it was discovered that I had stage 2 endometriosis (endo). I guess it didn't really come as a surprise considering the many years that I had spent having very few periods. If the endometrium lining of the uterus was not flowing out every month, it had to be going somewhere. For me, it was depositing itself on the ovaries, which was further inhibiting my abilities to ovulate like a normal person. Again, a day that was a huge milestone to understanding our infertility.
February 9, 2011- After more than a year of monitoring, procedures, and appointments, and after more than 6 failed cycles of Clomid, Dr. Pete referred us to Dr. Dodds (his mentor, which I thought was kind of neat- and one of "his buddies" that I didn't mind being referred to since I was impressed with Dr. Pete's care)at the Fertility Center. This day was our first consultation with Dr. Dodds. The first time we sat across the desk from a fertility specialist, and the first time our hope was rekindled after such a long battle. We sat across the desk from Dr. Dodds and I'm sure there were tears shed as we told him our story from our point of view. He of course had the official records, but he took the time to listen. I remember him being impressed that we were so involved and proactive about our care. He complimented us on being prepared and knowledgeable about what we had been through and where we were going. How can you not be? When you want something, you really work for it... especially when what you want is an expression of the overflowing love you have with your spouse. Yes, this day, is not the least in our list of February 9th occurrences.
Finally, February 9, 2012- Today. The end of IVF#1- The results. The day that I will be poked possibly for the last time on this infertility journey. Our blood test to determine the results of our IVF. Are we or are we not pregnant? A HUGE milestone. One that I don't think I ever thought would be here. The day that determines our next few months. Positive and we will begin planning for baby. Painting the room, gathering supplies, jumping up and down for joy. Negative and we will likely melt into yet another puddle of tears. We will look back over the last couple of months and cry for all the time, energy, thousands of dollars, and HOPE that have been lost. We will probably NOT go join our family for Heath's birthday dinner. What kind of birthday dinner would that be? Maybe we'll sit at home feeling numbed by the news and watch whatever pointless show seems to be on TV. Maybe we'll crawl into bed and hope to never have to wake up. Or maybe we'll bury ourselves in a good book, hoping to not have to face reality. It's funny how I can think of more things to do if it's negative than if it's positive. I guess that just goes to show you how easily it is to doubt... and how difficult it is to hope. Doubt, despair, NEGATIVE tests are what's been ingrained in us over the past 4 years. That doesn't meant that's what is going to happen to us today, but it is what we know. Positive or negative, today marks a HUGE milestone in our journey. And positive or negative we still feel blessed by a God who lets nothing touch us that is not for our best.
December 7, 1941, may have been our nation's "day which shall live in infamy", but February 9th, 2012 can be classified as none other than our own personal "day which shall live in infamy".
2.03.2012
Things I Want to Remember from this Journey.
I've been thinking a lot lately, I guess that goes without saying. Ha ha! But it's what I've been thinking about that I want to get down on paper lest I forget the special things that have gone on over the last few weeks. Precious things that I never want to forget or take for granted. Things I want to remember about our baby journey no matter what the outcome.
I want to remember...
The catch in Dr. Leach's throat as he wished us the best after our embryo transfer
The sweetness of my husband as he cared for me. The meals he made, the way he woke me just on time for my medicines, the way he tucked me in all comfy after our egg retrieval with a kiss on the forehead. The way he cleaned up the house the way I would have had I been able, even though it's not the way he would have necessarily.
The friends who brought meals to us. Some who have been where we are and knew what it felt like and others who just cared because they loved us.
The two sweet girls who crocheted me a necklace and string.... and loaned me their seasons of Little House on the Prairie to fill my time while on bedrest.
The leader of our small group and his wife who joined us in our bedroom after our embryo transfer and surrounded us with love and prayer. Yes, to some that may seem strange that they joined us right there on our bed and prayed with us over our little babies, but to us, it was just as it should be. Our small group that has become family.
The many people near and far, those who know us and those who have just heard of us, who have been bathing us in prayer. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how many people are crying out to our Lord on our behalf.
The gentleness but firmness of my husband as he administers my shots each night... in a very sore bum scarred with several injection wounds. Ahh, it must be love! :-)
The excitement of our family and friends at what this next few weeks may hold for us, and there reserve at what it may not.
The glimpses and calmness of peace that surrounds us when we are reminded of what an awesome God we serve who has the ability to move mountains. He's got this!
The fact that we have 6 little embryos waiting for us in the future. So whether we achieve pregnancy this time or not, we have another chance.
The feeling I had when I knew that I was producing eggs. It was excitement and amazement and almost a sense of pride that I was responsible for those little eggs. It was kind of scary knowing that potentially I could encourage or hinder them dependent on what choices I made for myself. It is, I imagine, the way it must feel to be pregnant and know that you are responsible for the health of the baby that you carry.
That even though my body hurts from being poked and prodded over and over, it was well worth it. Granted, it's not the normal way of going about getting pregnant, but what a blessing it is that there are ways for couples like us to start a family.
That I am blessed. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I am and forever will be blessed.
That this is not the end, or the beginning, it's just what's right now. Yes, it may impact our future, but I have to live moment by moment for Christ, not me or what I want.
That this too shall pass. The pain, the emotions, the heartache, and frustrations will all pass, but the blessings, the love, the prayers of support, the strength of our Lord... those are never changing.
That whatever the next few weeks bring, my Savior is holding me. Nothing can befall me that has not made it through His loving hands first. His plan for me is the best thing for us and I can't help but praise the Lord that He is creating a pretty bright future for us, baby or no baby.
So there you go, some things I've been thinking about, reminding myself of, praying for. The things I want to never forget about our journey.
I want to remember...
The catch in Dr. Leach's throat as he wished us the best after our embryo transfer
The sweetness of my husband as he cared for me. The meals he made, the way he woke me just on time for my medicines, the way he tucked me in all comfy after our egg retrieval with a kiss on the forehead. The way he cleaned up the house the way I would have had I been able, even though it's not the way he would have necessarily.
The friends who brought meals to us. Some who have been where we are and knew what it felt like and others who just cared because they loved us.
The two sweet girls who crocheted me a necklace and string.... and loaned me their seasons of Little House on the Prairie to fill my time while on bedrest.
The leader of our small group and his wife who joined us in our bedroom after our embryo transfer and surrounded us with love and prayer. Yes, to some that may seem strange that they joined us right there on our bed and prayed with us over our little babies, but to us, it was just as it should be. Our small group that has become family.
The many people near and far, those who know us and those who have just heard of us, who have been bathing us in prayer. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how many people are crying out to our Lord on our behalf.
The gentleness but firmness of my husband as he administers my shots each night... in a very sore bum scarred with several injection wounds. Ahh, it must be love! :-)
The excitement of our family and friends at what this next few weeks may hold for us, and there reserve at what it may not.
The glimpses and calmness of peace that surrounds us when we are reminded of what an awesome God we serve who has the ability to move mountains. He's got this!
The fact that we have 6 little embryos waiting for us in the future. So whether we achieve pregnancy this time or not, we have another chance.
The feeling I had when I knew that I was producing eggs. It was excitement and amazement and almost a sense of pride that I was responsible for those little eggs. It was kind of scary knowing that potentially I could encourage or hinder them dependent on what choices I made for myself. It is, I imagine, the way it must feel to be pregnant and know that you are responsible for the health of the baby that you carry.
That even though my body hurts from being poked and prodded over and over, it was well worth it. Granted, it's not the normal way of going about getting pregnant, but what a blessing it is that there are ways for couples like us to start a family.
That I am blessed. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I am and forever will be blessed.
That this is not the end, or the beginning, it's just what's right now. Yes, it may impact our future, but I have to live moment by moment for Christ, not me or what I want.
That this too shall pass. The pain, the emotions, the heartache, and frustrations will all pass, but the blessings, the love, the prayers of support, the strength of our Lord... those are never changing.
That whatever the next few weeks bring, my Savior is holding me. Nothing can befall me that has not made it through His loving hands first. His plan for me is the best thing for us and I can't help but praise the Lord that He is creating a pretty bright future for us, baby or no baby.
So there you go, some things I've been thinking about, reminding myself of, praying for. The things I want to never forget about our journey.
2.02.2012
Just a few thoughts...
I thought it would be good to get some thoughts down. As trying and scary and emotional as this process has been, I do want to remember it. There have been funny times... well, they didn't seem funny at the time, but we can laugh about them now. There have been times that I have been so mad I wanted to throw something. And then times I was overcome with joy that I couldn't stop the tears. All in all, I can say it's been quite a process.
I think the first thought that struck me today as I was thinking over it all, is about the outcome. We aren't there yet, we still have some time to go before we know whether all our efforts and our doctors efforts have produced the desired outcome. I don't know how long it will be before we share, but we will at some point. The waiting is difficult. I am constantly second guessing myself. The things I do, the things I eat. Am I preventing my little babies from growing? Have I done anything that might cause those little embryos from continuing to grow and burrow in? But then I remember that this is out of my control. There is only one person in control of that, and that is my Lord. I have done all I'm supposed to do so I just need to sit back and let him work.
I keep thinking "what if we get to the end of this process and still DO NOT have a baby on the way?" That thought leaves me breathless. But then, the thought that immediately follows "What if we get to the end of the process and we DO have a baby on the way?", that possibility leaves me breathless too.
Heath and I have been talking about how much it feels like we are on a teeter totter. One day we feel we are on a high point and we feel positive that the outcome will be good. Then the next time we're on the low side, wondering where we go from here when the outcome is not as we would desire. It's such a hard emotional thing, I feel like I don't even know how to put it into sensible sentences.
I am touched by how much our doctors and nurses are invested in our future. The motto of The Fertility Center is "Build your family with us!" and I truly believe each one of the doctors or nurses I have come into contact with have felt a sense of pride in being a part of that. It amazes me how much they care for each little piece of how this all works. At our embryo transfer appt, we met Dr. Leach, the newest doctor to the facility, for the first time. He was so kind and patient and always checking to see how I was doing. A couple of things really made an impression on me about him. #1 He had the kindest eyes. They held concern, a love for his job, and patience with me. Hope poured out of them and it was a huge encouragement and solidified the fact that he was there for me at that moment in time. #2 Once the procedure was done, HE was the one that moved us to the recovery area, got me settled in bed with my legs propped up, made sure I was comfortable. That was kind of funny to me. Usually, at least in my experience thus far, the nurses were the ones that got me settled and comfy for my wait. I was impressed by it. #3 I knew he was invested in our journey because just before he left us, he squeezed my hand, let me know that they had transferred two very healthy embryos, and with a catch in his throat, said "I wish you the best!" I of course melted into tears at the thought that even he was emotional over our journey. His care for us during the few short minutes we had with him was phenomenal! I tear up even now thinking about that moment over and over again. They aren't just doctors there for a paycheck or to get to the end of the day, they really do LOVE what they do and are so excited to be able to assist couples in building their families.
We have had several people ask us already when we will know whether we are pregnant or not. We have kindly changed the subject or just said "sometime this month" or "soon". The truth is, we're not ready to share all the nitty gritty details with everyone. There are a couple of different reasons for that. For one thing, we need time to process what we have just been through and are still going through. We need time to figure out just how to share our experiences. How much, how little does a person share of this journey through IVF? It's quite a fascinating experience and I'd love to shout it from the mountain tops, but at this point, for our peace of mind, I don't think that would be best. For another reason, we feel like just because our baby journey has been more open and honest and public than those who decide to have a baby, rumble in the hay, and then are pregnant (I mean no disrespect. Praise God if you had it easy.) does not mean we don't deserve all the joy of deciding just when and how to share our news with our family and friends. We've often thought about how we would tell our parents and siblings and I think we should still have that opportunity. On our time not someone else's. And lastly, if we don't have success this first try around, I know there will be a lot of emotions that we have to work through before we are ready to share with others. I wish that you all could see inside my heart and could understand more clearly these musings of this emotional infertile girl! :-)
Reading over this post, it seems like the most scatterbrained post I've ever written. I guess I can't do anything more about that... the words and emotions are jumbled in my brain. Getting them out, helps me think more clearly, but it also makes for a jumbled post. So sorry, maybe things will shape up here soon. Until then, please keep praying with us that the Lord's will continue to be done in our lives. After all, that is our true desire!
I think the first thought that struck me today as I was thinking over it all, is about the outcome. We aren't there yet, we still have some time to go before we know whether all our efforts and our doctors efforts have produced the desired outcome. I don't know how long it will be before we share, but we will at some point. The waiting is difficult. I am constantly second guessing myself. The things I do, the things I eat. Am I preventing my little babies from growing? Have I done anything that might cause those little embryos from continuing to grow and burrow in? But then I remember that this is out of my control. There is only one person in control of that, and that is my Lord. I have done all I'm supposed to do so I just need to sit back and let him work.
I keep thinking "what if we get to the end of this process and still DO NOT have a baby on the way?" That thought leaves me breathless. But then, the thought that immediately follows "What if we get to the end of the process and we DO have a baby on the way?", that possibility leaves me breathless too.
Heath and I have been talking about how much it feels like we are on a teeter totter. One day we feel we are on a high point and we feel positive that the outcome will be good. Then the next time we're on the low side, wondering where we go from here when the outcome is not as we would desire. It's such a hard emotional thing, I feel like I don't even know how to put it into sensible sentences.
I am touched by how much our doctors and nurses are invested in our future. The motto of The Fertility Center is "Build your family with us!" and I truly believe each one of the doctors or nurses I have come into contact with have felt a sense of pride in being a part of that. It amazes me how much they care for each little piece of how this all works. At our embryo transfer appt, we met Dr. Leach, the newest doctor to the facility, for the first time. He was so kind and patient and always checking to see how I was doing. A couple of things really made an impression on me about him. #1 He had the kindest eyes. They held concern, a love for his job, and patience with me. Hope poured out of them and it was a huge encouragement and solidified the fact that he was there for me at that moment in time. #2 Once the procedure was done, HE was the one that moved us to the recovery area, got me settled in bed with my legs propped up, made sure I was comfortable. That was kind of funny to me. Usually, at least in my experience thus far, the nurses were the ones that got me settled and comfy for my wait. I was impressed by it. #3 I knew he was invested in our journey because just before he left us, he squeezed my hand, let me know that they had transferred two very healthy embryos, and with a catch in his throat, said "I wish you the best!" I of course melted into tears at the thought that even he was emotional over our journey. His care for us during the few short minutes we had with him was phenomenal! I tear up even now thinking about that moment over and over again. They aren't just doctors there for a paycheck or to get to the end of the day, they really do LOVE what they do and are so excited to be able to assist couples in building their families.
We have had several people ask us already when we will know whether we are pregnant or not. We have kindly changed the subject or just said "sometime this month" or "soon". The truth is, we're not ready to share all the nitty gritty details with everyone. There are a couple of different reasons for that. For one thing, we need time to process what we have just been through and are still going through. We need time to figure out just how to share our experiences. How much, how little does a person share of this journey through IVF? It's quite a fascinating experience and I'd love to shout it from the mountain tops, but at this point, for our peace of mind, I don't think that would be best. For another reason, we feel like just because our baby journey has been more open and honest and public than those who decide to have a baby, rumble in the hay, and then are pregnant (I mean no disrespect. Praise God if you had it easy.) does not mean we don't deserve all the joy of deciding just when and how to share our news with our family and friends. We've often thought about how we would tell our parents and siblings and I think we should still have that opportunity. On our time not someone else's. And lastly, if we don't have success this first try around, I know there will be a lot of emotions that we have to work through before we are ready to share with others. I wish that you all could see inside my heart and could understand more clearly these musings of this emotional infertile girl! :-)
Reading over this post, it seems like the most scatterbrained post I've ever written. I guess I can't do anything more about that... the words and emotions are jumbled in my brain. Getting them out, helps me think more clearly, but it also makes for a jumbled post. So sorry, maybe things will shape up here soon. Until then, please keep praying with us that the Lord's will continue to be done in our lives. After all, that is our true desire!
1.12.2012
On Hope
The last few days have been long and hard. I haven't been sleeping well, there's just too much on my mind. From wondering how this will all turn out to fretting over the money to near panic attacks about the meds. Do I have what I need? Will I be able to remember when to take what? Will Heath be able to give me the shots that he has to? How am I ever going to make it through this next month? Will I remember to ask the questions I have?
And those, my sweet friends, are only a glimpse into the many questions and thoughts that swirl around in my head. It's a very fine line that we tread as an infertile couple for you don't want to lose hope, but you are afraid to hope too much.
I can remember some of our first treatments with my OB/GYN. I think at first I thought that we just needed a little medicine and we'd be good. I was so thankful for that little Clomid pill knowing for almost certain that it would help us achieve our dreams. And then as I began to take it and all those crazy meds sunk in, I HATED that pill. I still do. It's an awful drug that puts your body through, well let's be honest, h-e- double hockey sticks... all for nothing, at least in our cycles that was true. Although I know there are others who endured it and came out with their little miracle.
The next few cycles, my hope continued dropped... I kind of doubted each time that the meds were going to work and I wonder if that had an effect on our outcome? I guess I'll not know for sure, but I do know that God' timing is perfect, and so I believe that we are right where He wanted us at just the right time.
Things changed and we were shipped off (that sounds bad, but it wasn't) to Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center, where we began another cycle. I had seen this man in action, I had seen the results that the Lord brought through this facility, and let's just say, I felt very relieved to be there. I felt like we were where we were supposed to be. Yes, I had wished at the time that we had been there sooner, but we also needed to exhaust the milder, less invasive, more natural treatments first, although I think Clomid is as far from natural as you can get! Just walking in the doors, I felt as if I had reclaimed hope and was sure we wouldn' be there long. As good as I felt about it, I still was almost embarrassed to admit we needed to be there. After all, in my mind it meant I was flawed somehow. I would sometimes sit in my car when noone else was with me and wait for the "coast to clear" before sneaking into the building. It was a breath of fresh air when I didn't run into someone walking by. When I was able to get into the office without having to acknowledge to passersby, that yes, I was flawed, and yes I was seeking medical help for something that for others is so easy and natural. It's slowly gotten better and it doesn't really phase me now. Maybe more because I get to my appt right on time instead of having time to wait, or maybe because I have learned that I am so blessed and privileged to be there. I am blessed beyond words for the fact that God has given these doctors and nurses and other professionals to deal with the delicate nature of infertility. I am privileged to be able to afford (although I use that term loosely) to access the treatments and such that The Fertility Center provides. I AM BLESSED! and that is something I have to remind myself every time I head down for another appt. NO matter what I have to endure, no matter what I have or don't have, I AM AND WILL FOREVER BE BLESSED!
I'm not sure I even ever told my husband about these bouts of embarrassment. It would just hurt him more and I feel sometimes like I've done that enough, not of any fault of my own... I just know that it's hard for him to sit by and watch me suffer through these procedures and disappointments. They are his as well... sometimes I laugh at us because we both try to shoulder for the other, to protect one another from more hurt, to be strong when we feel so weak. God has perfectly matched us and I know that's exactly how a true God-built marriage is to be, but it still makes me laugh!
Hope slowly returned and things were looking good and are looking good... so I sometimes wonder why I feel so hopeless right now. I want to be excited. I want to look back over this time and feel joy. I want to live my life even in the midst of all the appts and shots and what not. But I am terrified out of my mind to be hopeful that this cycle of IVF will end in success. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to crash when it doesn't happen. But then, can I afford to be so worried? Will that hinder or harm this cycle? I don't know what to feel. I do however, think it's ok to be a little apprehensive. Each person going through anything tough, has to develop there own means of coping, and I guess mine is being tentative of feeling too much. I don't mean I worry. I don't mean I doubt. I just mean, I don't dwell on it. I have to give it to God or I would go insane. I have to be able to talk about it with Heath and good friends and then let it go. I have to trust that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not, there's a different plan up God's sleeve. I TRUST HIM to do what's the absolute best for us.
I don't really know how to end this post. I feel like I could go on for days about what's going on and how I'm feeling and all that, but then that would be a pretty boring post, so I'll just leave with a verse that is such an encouragement for me right now:
Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
When I chose that as my life verse around the age of 13, I never knew how much it would really apply to my life.
And those, my sweet friends, are only a glimpse into the many questions and thoughts that swirl around in my head. It's a very fine line that we tread as an infertile couple for you don't want to lose hope, but you are afraid to hope too much.
I can remember some of our first treatments with my OB/GYN. I think at first I thought that we just needed a little medicine and we'd be good. I was so thankful for that little Clomid pill knowing for almost certain that it would help us achieve our dreams. And then as I began to take it and all those crazy meds sunk in, I HATED that pill. I still do. It's an awful drug that puts your body through, well let's be honest, h-e- double hockey sticks... all for nothing, at least in our cycles that was true. Although I know there are others who endured it and came out with their little miracle.
The next few cycles, my hope continued dropped... I kind of doubted each time that the meds were going to work and I wonder if that had an effect on our outcome? I guess I'll not know for sure, but I do know that God' timing is perfect, and so I believe that we are right where He wanted us at just the right time.
Things changed and we were shipped off (that sounds bad, but it wasn't) to Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center, where we began another cycle. I had seen this man in action, I had seen the results that the Lord brought through this facility, and let's just say, I felt very relieved to be there. I felt like we were where we were supposed to be. Yes, I had wished at the time that we had been there sooner, but we also needed to exhaust the milder, less invasive, more natural treatments first, although I think Clomid is as far from natural as you can get! Just walking in the doors, I felt as if I had reclaimed hope and was sure we wouldn' be there long. As good as I felt about it, I still was almost embarrassed to admit we needed to be there. After all, in my mind it meant I was flawed somehow. I would sometimes sit in my car when noone else was with me and wait for the "coast to clear" before sneaking into the building. It was a breath of fresh air when I didn't run into someone walking by. When I was able to get into the office without having to acknowledge to passersby, that yes, I was flawed, and yes I was seeking medical help for something that for others is so easy and natural. It's slowly gotten better and it doesn't really phase me now. Maybe more because I get to my appt right on time instead of having time to wait, or maybe because I have learned that I am so blessed and privileged to be there. I am blessed beyond words for the fact that God has given these doctors and nurses and other professionals to deal with the delicate nature of infertility. I am privileged to be able to afford (although I use that term loosely) to access the treatments and such that The Fertility Center provides. I AM BLESSED! and that is something I have to remind myself every time I head down for another appt. NO matter what I have to endure, no matter what I have or don't have, I AM AND WILL FOREVER BE BLESSED!
I'm not sure I even ever told my husband about these bouts of embarrassment. It would just hurt him more and I feel sometimes like I've done that enough, not of any fault of my own... I just know that it's hard for him to sit by and watch me suffer through these procedures and disappointments. They are his as well... sometimes I laugh at us because we both try to shoulder for the other, to protect one another from more hurt, to be strong when we feel so weak. God has perfectly matched us and I know that's exactly how a true God-built marriage is to be, but it still makes me laugh!
Hope slowly returned and things were looking good and are looking good... so I sometimes wonder why I feel so hopeless right now. I want to be excited. I want to look back over this time and feel joy. I want to live my life even in the midst of all the appts and shots and what not. But I am terrified out of my mind to be hopeful that this cycle of IVF will end in success. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to crash when it doesn't happen. But then, can I afford to be so worried? Will that hinder or harm this cycle? I don't know what to feel. I do however, think it's ok to be a little apprehensive. Each person going through anything tough, has to develop there own means of coping, and I guess mine is being tentative of feeling too much. I don't mean I worry. I don't mean I doubt. I just mean, I don't dwell on it. I have to give it to God or I would go insane. I have to be able to talk about it with Heath and good friends and then let it go. I have to trust that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not, there's a different plan up God's sleeve. I TRUST HIM to do what's the absolute best for us.
I don't really know how to end this post. I feel like I could go on for days about what's going on and how I'm feeling and all that, but then that would be a pretty boring post, so I'll just leave with a verse that is such an encouragement for me right now:
Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
When I chose that as my life verse around the age of 13, I never knew how much it would really apply to my life.
1.07.2012
We're Off and Running
Every year at the beginning of the year, I can't help but think that this will be our year. This will be the year our little miracle comes to be. This will be the year that the fertility meds stop and the miracle of pregnancy begins. And every year, that's not exactly how it's happened. Really, that's not how it's happened at all.
Every December 31st since I've been married, in my mind I've made the New Year's Resolution to have a baby. As if, I've been holding back all these years and now is finally the time. For goodness sakes! I hate New Year's Resolutions anyhow... I think we should all resolve to do all those things all the time... not just once a year for about a week or so. Know what I mean?
Anyway! This year I'd like to think is going to be our year, but I don't know that to be true. What I do know for certain is that we will be changed, we will work hard, we will keep pressing on, we will perservere. I say this on the verge of an emotional, hormonal breakdown as I wait for the first round of meds to bring about my cycle. Ya know that most dreaded thing among women... also known as, Aunt Flo, a period, that time of the month, your cycle, Day 1.. whatever you call it, while it is quite unpleasant, it is a necessity to bring about a pregnancy and so for me, it is most welcome.
I am terrified for what is coming in the next couple of weeks. It's all new territory, this IVF stuff. The meds are sitting in the fridge and on the shelf flanked on one side by syringes and needles of various sizes, and on the other side by alcohol swabs and gauze pads. On the counter lays the red folder that will be my instruction manual for the coming weeks. I have read through all the literature, we've signed all the paperwork and chosen our embryo guardian. The injection videos have been reviewed and the jitters set in place. So this terrifying feeling does not come from a sense of not being prepared, but instead from knowing what we are about to do and what I am about to subject my body, mind, and soul to. But alas, the first 7 days of meds are taken, we are off and running, and there is no turning back.
If you've been following along, you know that we were waiting to find out if we were approved for the Compassionate Care Program. Wonder of all wonders, or perhaps it was our Good Lord, the insurance company did indeed deny us coverage, so we were able to get over $1800 of meds for free. We are praying that this will be enough and we will not have to purchase more, but not sure if that will be the case or not. I think the unknowing-ness of the process is what makes things so difficult. It's kind of all a wait and see game, which is beyond my understanding as the "planner" in me wants to know what to do, when, and how.
I probably won't update much as we go along, but I'm so thankful that you are praying with us about this next step of the journey. I believe once things get rolling, they will go rather quickly since I will be busy with u/s and bloodwork so often... or then again, it may drag on since we will be so anxious to get through it and to the results. Please pray that we will feel God's peace and strength through this cycle and beyond.
Many blessings to you Dear Friends Until next time!
Every December 31st since I've been married, in my mind I've made the New Year's Resolution to have a baby. As if, I've been holding back all these years and now is finally the time. For goodness sakes! I hate New Year's Resolutions anyhow... I think we should all resolve to do all those things all the time... not just once a year for about a week or so. Know what I mean?
Anyway! This year I'd like to think is going to be our year, but I don't know that to be true. What I do know for certain is that we will be changed, we will work hard, we will keep pressing on, we will perservere. I say this on the verge of an emotional, hormonal breakdown as I wait for the first round of meds to bring about my cycle. Ya know that most dreaded thing among women... also known as, Aunt Flo, a period, that time of the month, your cycle, Day 1.. whatever you call it, while it is quite unpleasant, it is a necessity to bring about a pregnancy and so for me, it is most welcome.
I am terrified for what is coming in the next couple of weeks. It's all new territory, this IVF stuff. The meds are sitting in the fridge and on the shelf flanked on one side by syringes and needles of various sizes, and on the other side by alcohol swabs and gauze pads. On the counter lays the red folder that will be my instruction manual for the coming weeks. I have read through all the literature, we've signed all the paperwork and chosen our embryo guardian. The injection videos have been reviewed and the jitters set in place. So this terrifying feeling does not come from a sense of not being prepared, but instead from knowing what we are about to do and what I am about to subject my body, mind, and soul to. But alas, the first 7 days of meds are taken, we are off and running, and there is no turning back.
If you've been following along, you know that we were waiting to find out if we were approved for the Compassionate Care Program. Wonder of all wonders, or perhaps it was our Good Lord, the insurance company did indeed deny us coverage, so we were able to get over $1800 of meds for free. We are praying that this will be enough and we will not have to purchase more, but not sure if that will be the case or not. I think the unknowing-ness of the process is what makes things so difficult. It's kind of all a wait and see game, which is beyond my understanding as the "planner" in me wants to know what to do, when, and how.
I probably won't update much as we go along, but I'm so thankful that you are praying with us about this next step of the journey. I believe once things get rolling, they will go rather quickly since I will be busy with u/s and bloodwork so often... or then again, it may drag on since we will be so anxious to get through it and to the results. Please pray that we will feel God's peace and strength through this cycle and beyond.
Many blessings to you Dear Friends Until next time!
12.07.2011
Where have I been?
The question may be easier to explain if it was "Where haven't I been?" Because for the last almost 2 months, I feel like I've been up one hill, down another, turned all around and upside down, and now planted back on my feet to let it all sink in.
When I last blogged we had just come through our second IUI cycle with Dr. Dodds and was able to identify some areas of growth despite the pain of yet another failed cycle. We had kind of settled into the fact that we had to begin again, this time with a bit different regimen than we had had before. Instead, Dr. Dodds called personally to let us know that he thought IVF would be our best option.
That was not at all anything we were prepared to hear. It's not that we were against IVF or that we weren't willing, but it's not something that we were thinking we would get to and if so, not nearly this soon. I do appreciate the fact that Dr. Dodds is not about the money but instead about helping us build our family the best way possible.
Our biggest mountain at this point is trying to get my body to produce mature follicles and release them. With the meds we were using for our IUI cycles, my body just wasn't responding enough. We could increase and change the meds and try another IUI, but then we might end up with too many follicles and end up cancelling the cycle. Instead Dr. Dodds recommended, and we agreed that we try IVF. This way, they can use stronger, more potent meds and control the # of embryos transferred back.
I won't go into too much detail now about the whole procedure. I'm not sure I fully understand it all just yet. We are still processing it all and trusting that the Lord is going to provide the finances, because we have nowhere near what we need for it.
In the meantime, we would appreciate your prayer. Our insurance company is being a booger again. They apparently WILL cover 50% of the meds for IVF, although our nurse, Amy, believes that's not true. Which is fine, but because they aren't denying us prescription coverage, we are not eligble for the Compassionate Care Program through Fertility Lifelines... that program would cover over $1700 of our meds which are estimated right now at $2500. We are still waiting and jumping through the insurance hoops to get that denial. Seems weird that you would want to be denied for coverage, but it will be much less expensive. And in reality, they aren't going to cover the meds... just like they haven't so far!
At any rate, your prayers are appreciated as we press forward into this next HUGE step to trying to begin our family. God is good, of this we are certain, and He knows exactly how this will play out!
When I last blogged we had just come through our second IUI cycle with Dr. Dodds and was able to identify some areas of growth despite the pain of yet another failed cycle. We had kind of settled into the fact that we had to begin again, this time with a bit different regimen than we had had before. Instead, Dr. Dodds called personally to let us know that he thought IVF would be our best option.
That was not at all anything we were prepared to hear. It's not that we were against IVF or that we weren't willing, but it's not something that we were thinking we would get to and if so, not nearly this soon. I do appreciate the fact that Dr. Dodds is not about the money but instead about helping us build our family the best way possible.
Our biggest mountain at this point is trying to get my body to produce mature follicles and release them. With the meds we were using for our IUI cycles, my body just wasn't responding enough. We could increase and change the meds and try another IUI, but then we might end up with too many follicles and end up cancelling the cycle. Instead Dr. Dodds recommended, and we agreed that we try IVF. This way, they can use stronger, more potent meds and control the # of embryos transferred back.
I won't go into too much detail now about the whole procedure. I'm not sure I fully understand it all just yet. We are still processing it all and trusting that the Lord is going to provide the finances, because we have nowhere near what we need for it.
In the meantime, we would appreciate your prayer. Our insurance company is being a booger again. They apparently WILL cover 50% of the meds for IVF, although our nurse, Amy, believes that's not true. Which is fine, but because they aren't denying us prescription coverage, we are not eligble for the Compassionate Care Program through Fertility Lifelines... that program would cover over $1700 of our meds which are estimated right now at $2500. We are still waiting and jumping through the insurance hoops to get that denial. Seems weird that you would want to be denied for coverage, but it will be much less expensive. And in reality, they aren't going to cover the meds... just like they haven't so far!
At any rate, your prayers are appreciated as we press forward into this next HUGE step to trying to begin our family. God is good, of this we are certain, and He knows exactly how this will play out!
10.20.2011
What We Learned
It goes without saying that we learned a lot over the course of the last month. It also goes without saying that some of those lessons learned were painful. Very painful. While some of the lessons were painful, we're still thankful that we are traveling the road we are. Not thankful that we have to struggle through infertility, but thankful for what God is accomplishing in and through us as we struggle.
So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.
Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.
Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.
Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.
Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.
Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.
Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.
Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.
Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.
Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.
Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)
So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.
So what did we really learn? There's a few things that we learned that I'd like to pass on. If you are struggling this same road, may God bless you through our lessons learned. If you have already struggled through it and come out on the other side, may God use this as a reminder of His goodness. And if you have never been through it but know those that have, may God bless you with a sympathetic heart and a small piece of understanding behind what goes on in the infertile couples lives.
Lesson #1- God has ways of surprising you and stepping in when you think He's checked out. We learned this because after our 3rd u/s we thought we would end this cycle again prematurely before our little potential babies were ready. And, I guess, maybe in the end after our failed IUI, we did, but not without His hand in the matter.
Lesson #2- The journey through infertility is the biggest roller coaster with the highest hills and steepest drops. The only difference between it and a real live roller coaster is that it's not in any way shape or form fun. This we learned because one time the U/S would reveal good results, encouraging us, and the next time it dropped us on our face with not-so-good results.
Lesson #3- When you're on this roller coaster of infertility, there are only two choices. You can continue letting others pass you in line because you're too afraid to step out in faith and ride the hills and valleys. Or you can jump on, throw your hands in the air, and enjoy the ride. That's not much of a choice, huh? Because I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people that can say that they enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the character it created in them, yes. Enjoyed the end result, yes. But enjoying the ups and downs, that's a pretty big bite to swallow. But my friends, there's another piece to that 2nd option. You don't just jump on in, you don't just throw your hands in the air, but you jump in with courage and you throw your hands in the air, because in reality it's out of your hands, knowing that God is still holding you in His hands and still proving faithful and steadfast even in the midst of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life.
Lesson #4- Share your experiences only with those closest to you. This was a hard one to learn. It's hard because you are bursting at the seams with excitement and anxiety. It's hard because people have an uncanny way of asking the questions that are hard to answer without some detail. It's hard because you want as many people praying as can be. While we didn't proclaim our experience from the mountain tops, we didn't exactly keep it secret either. It seemed fine at the time to share it with our families and our church small group and a few others. But looking back now, we realize that as hard as it is to keep it in when you are so excited about where you are and what it might mean, it is so much harder to have to talk about the failed cycle to so many people when your heart is broken and the future seems so uncertain.
Lesson #5- Just because you feel positive in the beginning, doesn't mean that the result is going to be positive. (It doesn't mean it won't either)And just because you know that you got farther this cycle than you've ever been, doesn't mean that it will hurt any less when the pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT. It's a painful lesson... one of the hardest. We knew all along that this cycle was different and it was. We knew all along that we had gotten farther than we'd ever been, but I'm not sure either of us were prepared for the results to be negative. We thought positively, we prayed daily, we trusted thoroughly... in fact, during the 2WW I prided myself in being able to push those negative thoughts away... but in the end, we cried hard, he sobbed loud, and we doubted heavily. It hurt... it still hurts, but we press on, because what else are you going to do... remember you only have two choices... wait in line and let others pass you by, or jump on, throw your hands up in the air, and TRUST in the One who has it all worked out.
Lesson #6- People will feel for you, they will cry for you and pray for you, but they may not understand (and really cannot) what you are going through. Probably one of the things I have learned through all of this is to be sensitive to others situations... whether I've been there and can understand or not. We also learned that sometimes, even those who have been there, might not understand or be able to identify with what you are feeling. The truth is, while they've been there, everyone handles things, feels things, struggles through things differently. But there is One who struggles with you and carries you. Our ever-loving Heavenly Father is right there. He listens and sympathizes in a way no human ever could.
Lesson #7- A marriage built on Christ is the only foundation that will work through this struggle. What does that look like? It looks like two people seeking God's word, both together and separately. You see it in the husband and wife, each fighting to shoulder the burden for the other. It's apparent in the way that you respond to each other's hard days. It's not a husband that's constantly lifting up the wife, or a wife constantly lifting up the husband, but instead it's husband and wife stepping in when the other is weak. It's prayer. Every day, together and separate. It's seeking God's will above our own. It's a love that goes deeper than the physical desires and reaches to the heart. A foundation that can never be split.
Lesson #8- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it right now, but God can. He can see the big picture when we can barely see two feet in front of us. When everything seems impossible, He's got it figured out. He loves us and this is what's best for us. That's hard to swallow. How can it be best that we be childless by no choice of our own? How can it be best that we be penniless when we need lots of pennies? How can it be best that everything we try, we fail? How? But then, is it really our job to question God? Not in the least. Our only job is to trust that He can see the big picture and let Him lead the way.
Lesson #9- Quit planning ahead and stop reading all the "what to expects" and "am I pregnant?" and "this symptom, that symptom" forums on the web. It's not that it's bad to be informed. You should definitely be informed... but I think you will know when it's for real and all the reading and researching only serves as a source of insanity. You go from this normal woman (if you can even say that) in the midst of her 2WW to this "oh that must be a sign" or "that was a pregnancy twinge" woman who goes CRAZY analyzing every little physical function. It's not that you should lose hope or be totally ignorant of your body, but all the researching still doesn't prepare you for how your body responds whether you are pregnant or not.
Lesson #10- Don't ever give up. Never stop trying. Don't throw in the towel before the Lord has a chance to show up and show off in some MIGHTY big way. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end! That doesn't mean that the end is when your babies life starts, because only God knows what He's got planned for your life. But it does mean that if it comes to the point that it's time to stop trying, time to throw in the towel, time to move on as a couple, then it will be very clear and I believe God would have changed the desires of your heart. Until then, perseverance is the key. In the meantime, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)
So there you have it, 10 Lessons we learned over the course of this cycle. 10 life lessons that were anything but fun, but that were necessary to our growth in Christ. Praise God that even in the midst of pain, we can identify areas of growth.
10.19.2011
I read a quote the other day that said "Stop worrying about how far you have to go and consider instead how far you've come." I guess that's totally something I needed to hear. Course, then nearly everytime I hear advice, it's something I need to hear.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
I've never really experienced a true 2 week wait. Ya know, the time between when you tried for a baby, and you find out if your efforts were successful. Well, I guess I can't say that again because we've just come to the end of our first 2WW. Before I reveal the results, I wanted to explain what the 2WW was like for us.
Whenever I thought of the wait, before we were actually there, I always thought it would be super hard to wait. I pictured the question of success taking up so much of my time and I pictured myself not being able to really be with it. More like a zombie all consumed with the situation. I was surprised to find that it wasn't the case so much for us. It wasn't that we didn't think about it, it just didn't consume us. Which I think is probably good.
We talked about it a lot. We talked about the baby that I was carrying and joked about pregnancy and being mommy and daddy. But it didn't seem unbearable. We went through a lot of emotions. The day of the IUI, we were kind of numb I think... just realizing what had happened. From there our emotions fluctuated from so much excitement to fear of the outcome to more excitement to positive thinking to completely trusting God. We prayed multiple times a day and we prepared and talked about what was going to happen when Baby #1 was here. I don't think we dwelt too much on it.. I think it's only natural that we consider all of these things.
From the beginning of this cycle, I have felt very positive about this time around with Dr. Dodds. Maybe it was that we were getting somewhere, doing something different. Maybe it's just that I've been through this so many times, I'm beginning to believe that God has it under control. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into really trusting when I often feel doubtful. Whatever it was, I did have good reason to believe that this cycle would be different. It was different. We were on different meds, we had a different u/s and bloodwork regiment, and the physical side effects were different.
I guess I had every right to feel differently about it, because it ended up differently. My body actually responded to the new meds. Not only that, but it responded well. In fact, it responded so well, that we were able to get as far as doing an IUI on October 8th. We came away so excited and for good reason, because we hadn't been that far before. My body had never responded in such a way as to produce mature follicles or potential babies as we like to call them.
Unfortunately, the IUI did not produce the desired results, a baby. We are sad. Very sad. But we said all along and we still believe it now, that God is working and worked in this cycle to bring us closer than we've been before. While it's hard to keep trusting, it's impossible without God, so we won't lose hope, we won't stop trusting, we will persevere. And while it's pretty close to the last thing we want to do, we will dwell on how far we've come instead of how far we have to go... and even that, how far we have to go, doesn't seem as far away as it once did. Praise God for little glimpses of grace, mercies that never cease, and a love that wraps us in His arms on days like today when all we really want to do is sleep the pain away.
10.11.2011
My Husband!
I've recently been very aware of my husband's role in my life. While I know this post will fall far short of the gratitude and admiration I have for him, I believe it's only fair to brag on him a while.
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
I have never met a man like my husband. Yes, he is a lot like my dad, but so very different too. His goofiness and zest for life is definitely a lot like my dad. His jokes tend to be very similar to dad's as well. Depends on the day whether they are actually funny or not. And he has this uncanny way, like my dad does of really sidling up to you after he's made you angry and trying to make you laugh. Something that I usually end up giving in to because I can't help myself... but that at the same time aggravates me to no end.
Although we only dated for a year and a half, I think that I knew Heath really well before we were married. Yes, there are always things that you find out about your spouse later in life, but then again, isn't that the way things happen with everyone in your life. What I didn't realize though, is what a godly, loving, ever loyal, uplifting, man he was.
Over the course of the last 3 years, he has been a solid rock. His shoulders always seem to be soggy from tears, but he never lets that get him down or keep him from coming back for more.
While infertility is the hardest thing that we have faced, he is constantly a source of strength. He is always positive, full of hope, and never holds back what he is thinking or feeling. Above all, he always pushes me to hope in the Lord. Always reminds me that the Lord is in control. Always loves me for always, despite the fact that something so natural as having a child, is so un-natural for us.
I am so thankful for the role he plays in my life. One that I know I would not survive this journey without. You are the love of my life, Heath, and I thank God everyday for you. Love, Love, Love you!
10.08.2011
We're Getting There....
I have started this post many times in my head. I go back and forth about how much or how little to share of our journey. At some points I think "that's way too personal to share" and at other points I think "yes, it's painfully honest and personal, but it's truth and it's fact and it answers a lot of people's questions." I'm still not sure where exactly the line is, but I guess I just go with the flow. The main purpose of this blog was to give us a place to release some of the emotions, joy, excitement, frustration, anger that is all to common when struggling with infertility. Yes, I realize that I have a few readers, maybe more than I know, but the main purpose isn't to inform my readers, but to reflect on what we're learning in hopes of possibly reaching out to someone struggling in the same way or even just struggling.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
With that being said, I feel like I have a lot to share. THe last week has kind of been a whirlwind of activity on the Baby front. After last weeks appt, we found ourselves feeling a little disappointed. With the new medicine (Repronex) we were hoping for better results than a 9mm follicle. I am amazed by how much more hope the doctors and nurses often have that we do ourselves. It seems like I'm always reminded of who is in charge of this and for that I'm thankful. I'm only sorry that I forget so easily.
I found myself praying so much over the last week. Not that I don't normally pray about our baby journey, but I guess it's been more at the forefront of my mind lately. From the beginning of this cycle, I told Heath I felt differently about this cycle. Felt like it was different somehow and that I was feeling very positive and hopeful about it. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't mean a whole lot except that maybe, just maybe, I am finally learning to trust God. Which I personally think has a lot to do with why we are on this journey in the first place.
At any rate, this Tuesday I had another u/s and bloodwork that proved to be really good. There was finally some growth and I was showing a 14mm, 13mm, and 2- 12mm on the right side. For me that is excellent since we've never seen much over 10mm. I breathed a sigh of relief when they said 14mm. Yipes and Yay! Even then, knowing that it didn't insure we would get where we wanted to be, I came home so excited that we were getting somewhere new and pushing that much closer to our little miracle. Wonder of wonders, Heath left his phone home that day, so I had to wait to tell him. Only I couldn't wait, so I tracked him down on his brother's phone and told him the good news at lunch time. To say the least, I was WAY more excited then him. Come to find out, he didn't realize those were the biggest we'd ever had. And, he's male... so I think they handle it way differently than us emotional females. Ah well! Tuesday I took the last 75iu of Menopur I had and supplemented with 75iu of my Gonal-F. Wednesday took all 150iu of Gonal-F.
I headed back for an u/s and bloodwork on Thursday where we found out that our potential babies had grown to about 14.5mm. Not much really. I left a little hopeful but more disappointed really thinking that things were going back down hill. Dr. Dodds prescribed another couple of vials of Repronex and sent me to Keystone Pharmacy to pick them up. I had sworn off this pharmacy because of all the trials I had last time with the getting the right meds and all of that, but since I was in need of the meds and they are the only ones in the area to carry it, I gave in. Turns out they don't stock Repronex, but Menopur. They are pretty much an interchangeable drug and I had taken both of them on this cycle so no biggy. When Dr. Dodds originally prescribed Menopur, our insurance denied coverage, so I was kinda bummed that I would be needing to pay full price instead of 50% for the Menopur, but again, didn't really have a choice. They got it all ready, rang me up and charged me $165 for the 2 vials. Steep, I know... oh the things we will pay for to hold a precious bundle... well worth it, I'd say! Just for kicks and giggles, I double checked that they had run it through insurance. NO! They hadn't... I figured that was pretty standard. I asked them to and again wonder of wonders... well, or maybe God's hand every step of the way, they did cover the meds, so it ended up only being $95 instead of $165. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Oh and did I mention, that Dr. Dodds wrote off not 1, not 2, but 3 U/S and bloodwork? That saved us over $750 this cycle! Praise God for awesome doctors!
Anyway, went home with a plan to take 75iu of Menopur and 75iu of Gonal-F for the next two nights with another U/s and bloodwork on Saturday to see where we were. Unfortunately, and excitedly instead we got a call from Dr. Dodds... my estrogen levels were looking so good that I took 75iu Menopur and 150iu Gonal-F on Thursday night and was able to take my Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg(s) on Friday morning. Which meant that TODAY we were able to do our IUI... where they inject Heath's sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation to basically make sure that the sperm and egg are exactly where they need to be at the right time. I'll write more on that later. Praise God for His perfect timing, His ever present hand on our life, and the amazing doctors and nurses who have the knowledge to help us.
Needless to say, I believe that my feelings at the beginning of the cycle were for a good reason. I realize that an IUI doesn't guarantee pregnancy... God still has to speak that miracle in existence. But, I am encouraged because whether this IUI transitions into a successful pregnancy or not, we have learned much more about my body and just how it reacts to the meds, and because after too many shots to count, way more tears than we ever wanted to shed, and an over-abundance of doctors appts and procedures, we finally feel like we're getting there.
10.05.2011
The Mystery of God
I've always loved to sit down with a good mystery book or snuggle up next to Heath and watch a good mystery movie or TV show. You know the "whodunnit" kind. The ones where the story catches you in the beginning, holds you through the middle, and surprises you at the end. Heath is a very good mystery solver, so sometimes it's not always as fun. I on the other hand, although I've gotten better over the years, could not solve a mystery if my life depended on it. Let's just say I would not make a very good detective. So, thank the Lord, I wasn't put on the earth to be a detective.
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
Right about now, though, I'm thinking I wish I were able to solve mysteries, mostly the mystery of God. The way that He works, what His plans are, where He has us headed, and just how He's going to bring our baby about. As much as I love watching mysteries play out in a book or on the TV, I'm really not so keen on mysteries in my own life. Mysteries of life are the one type that Heath can't figure out and I still can't solve. It's just not as fun when you are living the mystery... at least in my opinion.
But aren't we all living a mystery? Whether we're waiting for God's perfect timing for a baby, a spouse, that better job, a new house, finances... whatever it is, we are living it. And I wonder, is the purpose of the mystery that we can't know to bring us closer to our ever loving Heavenly Father. Is the mystery's purpose to keep us seeking Him instead of relying on our own solutions? Is this mystery of life that we are all living a means of bringing us to the cross and to a greater calling in Him than just getting by? I think maybe so.
Ecclessiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." This verse just happened to be the verse of the day on WCSG yesterday. I listen to this radio station whenever I am in the car. Well, if Heath isn't with me. If he's with me, we listen to sports or talk radio. (boring) Anyway, I heard this verse for the first time on my way to The Fertility Center yesterday morning. I'm sure I've heard it before, but never really thought about it too much. On any other day, I guess it may not have hit me the way it did yesterday. Shame on me, for taking His Words for granted and for not taking the time to let them sink in.
The verse turned a light bulb on in my head. I think I've been going along these past 3 years thinking that the Doctors had all the answers. Each time I would go to an appointment I would be anxious to hear what they thought we should do next. But really they don't know the mystery of our body either. Don't get me wrong... they probably know my body more than I do myself and they have been schooled and have the knowledge that I could only hope to glean from them. But when it comes right down to it, do they really know what a mystery and miracle life forming in the womb is? They don't know it the way our Father knows it. I wonder have I been living a life that is putting my trust in God more than the doctors?
God is at work every day in our lives, I wonder if we even realize it? Last cycle, our first at TFC, we were given 900iu of Gonal-F towards the end of our cycle. When the doctor called to say that we needed to cancel our cycle and that we'd try new meds next time, I remember thinking "Well, that was a really cruel joke, God... to give us an abundance of medicine that we cannot use next cycle." In the back of my head I knew God was working. My short sightedness figured He was allowing me to help someone else with their meds. While I've offered, nothing has really fallen into place. Until yesterday's appt that is... when I found out that I, myself, not someone else, was going to need the Gonal-F that He had provided last cycle. Oh how quickly we slip into doubt. And how quickly God forgives.
Yesterday's u/s revealed, not one, not two, not even three, but four dominant follicles on my right side. Not much going on, on the left side, but the right side is booming. We are looking for one or two of the follicles to reach at least 16mm before we can trigger ovulation and prepare for the insemination. Yesterday our little potential babies (that's exciting to say) were 14mm, 13mm, and two at 12mm. I came home more than a little excited. That is the largest I've ever had and they are so close to where they need to be. The trick now, is to get one or two of them to be big enough but not all of them. I'm not sure where the breaking point is, but I know that if there are too many at the right size, we will face another cancelled cycle and try again. We are praying that just the right # continue to grow up to size and that we can be successful in this cycle. Either way, though, we feel like we are getting closer and that is exciting! I was able to take the last 75iu vial of Menopur I had last night and 75iu from the Gonal-F pen. Yes, that means I had to poke myself twice last night, but I guess I'm kinda numb to that anymore. No, I don't like it, but the hoops that a woman will jump through to have a baby are endless, so I proudly poke myself, wince at the pain, wipe away the blood, and curl up beside my husband to endure the sting. Thankfully, the Menopur and Gonal-F (both donated to me FREE)do not cause the welts, pain, and bruising the next day like the Repronex does.
I didn't know that God's plan with the Gonal-F was to save me $ this cycle and I do not know what will happen tomorrow at my U/S, but I know this... that the only one qualified to solve the mysteries of God is God Himself. Solve away, Father, and help me to sit on the sidelines and marvel at your work!
10.02.2011
Common People, Uncommon Purpose
I think probably one of the hardest things to deal with when struggling through infertility, is the way that other's react to your struggle. It's difficult to remember that they haven't been there and they don't understand all the ins and outs of it. They don't really know how you feel, even though they would like to help in that way. People don't realize how their words can bring an infertile women to her knees in pain.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
The pain I suffer as an infertile woman is unlike anything I've dealt with before or even heard explained. I'm not sure, really, that even I can explain it. It's a pain that reaches deep.. and it doesn't just include your own pain, but shouldering also the pain of your spouse and close friends and family. Infertility is like any other illness. It doesn't just affect you. It reaches those you love most, it causes pain for them as well. If there's anything I wish I could change about infertility... well, besides that it just didn't exist to begin with, it would be that it didn't affect everyone else too. I wish that I didn't have to feel badly about unloading on a dear friend or crying in my husbands arms too often. And probably, if I asked them, I wouldn't have to... but I do. I wish that the pain I felt was only mine and that it didn't leave others hurting also.
In Sunday school, we are going through the book of Luke. This morning we began reading Luke 2 and we talked about how the Lord had orchestrated everything just so to accomplish his purpose. We talked about how He used common people, like Mary and Joseph, to fulfill a prophesy that was anything but common. It just seemed like God was saying to me, "I know it's not easy. I know it's not pleasant. But I'm using you to accomplish my goal in your lives. I'm using you to be able to reach out to others. I'm using you to receive glory. I'm using you to bless your marriage. I'm using you for a great purpose that you can't see right now, but I can see it." I am humbled that He would choose to use me for this purpose. I am humbled that I am able to stumble through infertility in the hopes of gracefully portraying Christ in our lives. I am overwhelmed by the thought that He cared enough about us that He is giving us this trial that is allowing us to grow leaps and bounds above what we normally would be. While all of this is true, sometimes, I'm tired of being used and I want to cry out to our almighty, powerful God and say "Please use someone else!" But then as soon as I think of that, I know that deep down, I don't want Him to use anyone else. I want Him to use me, his common child, to accomplish uncommon things.
Oh Father, I am hurting today. My empty arms ache today and my heart longs to feel your arms around me. I know you are carrying us through this struggle and I'm so thankful for that because today I feel quite weak. Lead me through this week and help me to be the witness you desire me to be. Give me grace as I handle the happenings of the next few weeks and please work in my body to accomplish your goal in our lives. I praise you for your love, mercy, and grace in every situation.
9.30.2011
Have you ever lost your car in a parking lot? I can now say that I have. It's rather embarrassing to admit. After shopping for groceries this afternoon, I walked out of Meijer and immediately could not remember where I parked or even recall which row I had walked down when I entered the store. Not to worry, I began to wander down the row straight in front of the store and found a blue van that I thought was mine. Walking around to the back of the van, I pressed the unlock button, and lifted the gate only to notice that I didn't recognize the license plate #. Rolling my eyes and probably turning beat red, I shut the door and walked rather quickly, like almost ran, away from the van hoping that the owner was not watching me break into their van which was not really breaking in since it had been left unlocked. Looking around for my van, I began to wander aimlessly through the parking lot panicking a little bit more as each minute passed. I then remembered that I had parked somewhere in the first 3 rows, but I could not spy any other blue vans. I felt like such a moran because I walked through the parking lot, pressing the lock button hoping that the van would honk so I could find it. Amazingly, as I got closer to that blue van again, it honked! I'm so stupid! It was my van all along and it has Heath's license plate# on it... one which I was not that familiar with. I'd like to have a really good reason for doing something so brainless... but well, it's been kind of a numbing day, and this mishap is just a result of that.
Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.
Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.
Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.
We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.
I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!
Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.
Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.
Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.
We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.
I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!
9.02.2011
Small Potatoes
For the past couple of years I have made it my goal to read through the Bible in a year. I accomplished that in 2009, 2010, and I'm well on my way to doing so in 2011. It's amazing to me how easily it has become a habit and how it's not that easy to forget. If I forget even for one day, my day is changed... I get upset more easily, my words don't come out as lovely, it's easy to get discouraged. I've come to realize just how important my time in Bible reading and prayer is to my walk with Christ. Probably one of my biggest consumers of time right now, is my thoughts about our Infertility. What does that do for a Christian's walk? Well, I'm not sure what it does across the board, but to me, it causes me to relate everything I read or hear to our struggle. I glean encouragement from God's Word. Words that aren't always meant to speak to infertility, but that reach me anyhow.
This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.
The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.
I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?
Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.
Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.
This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.
The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.
I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?
Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.
Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.
8.23.2011
There have been times in this journey where I think that I can't take another upset. If you are struggling through infertility or have in the past, then you know those times I'm talking about.
This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...
It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.
Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.
I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.
If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.
This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...
It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.
Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.
I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.
If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.
8.19.2011
Canceled Cycle= Pain
It really doesn't take much for a woman battling infertility to lose her composure and cry in front of just about anyone. But having said that... I've withstood a lot in the last couple of weeks and I need to cry.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
8.04.2011
Still Here, Still Strong!!
Dear friends, it's been a very long time since I've graced you with a post. Some of you may be thinking... yes, it's been quite refreshing to not have to hear Lisa's woes. Well, maybe so, but let me assure you, it's been quite refreshing to have quite a break from meds and doctors appts and disappointments that go along with cycle after cycle of non-success fertility treatments. Don't think that there haven't been times that I've started to post... but as strong as that desire was, the desire to wait, be still, and enjoy the break was much stronger.
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
5.26.2011
Coincidence? or God?
It is not often, actually never, that I post one of my blogs on Facebook. For whatever reason, though, I am about to do just that. It may be that I'm getting bolder about my musings, or possibly that I'm finally listening to the Lord pressing me to speak out, or just maybe I survived a very scary time last night and I need to express the ways that the Lord spoke to me through that. I'm warning you, this may be very long!
We are just returning from a much needed 10 day vacation in Florida. The weather was beautiful, the company wonderful, and the relaxation top notch. We were on a very tight budget, but had an amazing time doing nothing... :-) We even came home with over $200... we discussed on the way home just what we would do with that money. Options ranging from putting it into our baby fund, finishing our garage project, using it for our anniversary coming up, and other ideas of things we wanted or needed. But alas, as always God had different plans for our money. Because as we began washing our vacation clothes, we realized that our washing machine had run it's course. I didn't feel so bad about it because our washer and dryer were FREE when we got married and probably had 15 years of use on them. We are very blessed that they have served us well the last 3 years! Our search started at such stores as Best Buy, ABC Warehouse, and the like, but ended on Craigslist, where we found a washer and dryer only 4 years old and like new for $325... only a little over the amount we brought home from our Vacation. Yes, indeed, that left over money being available was no coincidence. It was only the beginning of the way God orchestrated this day.
Armed with $325, Tyler, and his truck, we headed to GR last night to get our "new-to-us" washer and dryer. The road down was safe and it only rained a bit as we loaded them up, strapped them down, and headed home. At the same time that our washer has gone caput, our dryer is perfectly fine... and alas, God had planned that out perfectly as well, because Ty and Holly are in need of one. Again, no coincidence!
And, sorry friends, but the story doesn't end there. In preparation for Ty taking us down to get the washer and dryer, he had cleaned out the backseat of his truck including Jessi's carseat, which he placed right inside the door in their breezeway. As we moved our old washer and dryer out, hauled them up the stairs, and got the new dryer down into the basement, we began to formulate a plan for getting our old dryer to Ty and Holly's... the cords were different and we had to make a change to accommodate our new unit. Thinking that we might be able to just swap Ty and Holly's for ours, I ran upstairs to get my phone and give Holly a call to see what her cord at home was like. We are very close to the Fire Barn and I could hear sirens pulling out and headed down 57 as I headed up the stairs. Funny, maybe, but each time I hear the sirens, my heart skips a beat and I say a prayer for whoever might be on the receiving end of that help. Little did I know that I was praying for our little Jessi girl!
When I reached Holly by phone, she was frantic... which is not normal for her, so I asked her if she was ok. "No" she screamed, "Tell Tyler to come home NOW!" Without thinking I hollared to Ty to go home now, threw him my keys, and relayed what Holly had told me "Jessi fell, hit her head, and she's convulsing and having a seizure! The ambulance is here!" As calm as I remained on the outside, my heart was beating madly and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Heath cried, then prayed, then we snapped into action, finishing the unloading of the washer and then heading out, hoping to be able to follow them down to the hospital. Noone was there so we drove back to get our van... driving by the fire barn, I noticed one of the response units pulling back in, "Pull in there" I said. We ran up to the barn, asked if they came from Shaner, and where they were taking Jessi. "Helen Devos, she's ok, she'll be alright!" But me, being the doubting person that I am didn't really listen to the last part... after all, isn't that what they say just before people die? Morbid, I know, but that is what goes through my mind everytime I hear that phrase from a doctor or nurse. Sorry to those of you who are doctors or nurses!
About 40 minutes later, we were at the hospital, just in time to see Jess. She was kind of out of it, mostly crying, and not herself. Scary, to say the least, but she got better as the night continued. Doctors said she had a febral (sp?) seizure that occurs when there is a rapid temp spike in little ones. Scary as that was, it's actually a protection from the seriousness of the spike in temperature. Praise the Lord for his intricate design in creating a body that protects itself against harm. Now almost 20 hours later, she is doing well and although continues to experience a fever, she is no longer having tremors or experiencing seizures. I pray that she continues to do well.
At any rate, this day that started out as any other day did not end that way. Still, I can see God's hand in every moment of it. It was no coincidence that our washer died on us and that we had most of the $ for it from our vacation. By no coincidence did we need Tyler's help moving it, thus allowing for the carseat to be left right by the door where the paramedics needed it. It wasn't a coincidence that the first response unit was pulling into the fire barn just when we needed them to find out where Jessi was. And by no coincidence, did the Lord provide an excellent Children's Hospital close to home. No, these aren't coincidences... these are God, His orchestrating hand in every area of our lives!
As I was living through those moments last night, I began to wonder about myself... as scary as it was, I never cried. What was I, heartless? I mean, the little girl that I love as my own, was lying in a hospital bed, being poked and prodded and I was cool and calm and collected. The tears just didn't come... not as I talked with Holly on the phone and relayed the message to Tyler, not when Heath lost it and cried out to God on our front porch, and not when we walked into the hospital room and saw her helpless little body lying on the bed. I don't know if it's my coping mechanism that causes me to hold back... as if when everyone else is upset, I can't be. Or if it's just that I was in denial... I don't know.
The tears did come... this morning as I picked up sweet Jessi's toys and books that were strewn all over the living room from yesterday. They came as I knelt on the floor and picked up the half eaten crackers and animal cookie crumbs that she left when she ran into her mommy's arms yesterday afternoon. They overflowed as I fed little Aurelia this morning in the quiet of the living room... quiet except for my sobs of relief. I think it was the action of picking up after little Jessi and realizing that we may have lost her... except by God's grace, it could have been the last time I picked those up... the pictures that I took of her and Uncle Heath, could have been the last and I am overwhelmed and thankful to God that we will still be able to enjoy her precious smiles, giggles, and witty ways! What a gift! What a miracle! And one, I'm afraid, that we take for granted too often. Never again!
Father God, awesome Healer, Prince of Peace... thank you for being near to us in our moments of fear. We praise you today for your ever present, protective hand on us and those we love. Thank you for continuing to heal little Jessi's body and for allowing us more time with her! May we never take her or any others that we love for granted. Help us to be evermindful of your hand in our every action and help us to never forget that coincidences to others are simply your hand in our lives.
We are just returning from a much needed 10 day vacation in Florida. The weather was beautiful, the company wonderful, and the relaxation top notch. We were on a very tight budget, but had an amazing time doing nothing... :-) We even came home with over $200... we discussed on the way home just what we would do with that money. Options ranging from putting it into our baby fund, finishing our garage project, using it for our anniversary coming up, and other ideas of things we wanted or needed. But alas, as always God had different plans for our money. Because as we began washing our vacation clothes, we realized that our washing machine had run it's course. I didn't feel so bad about it because our washer and dryer were FREE when we got married and probably had 15 years of use on them. We are very blessed that they have served us well the last 3 years! Our search started at such stores as Best Buy, ABC Warehouse, and the like, but ended on Craigslist, where we found a washer and dryer only 4 years old and like new for $325... only a little over the amount we brought home from our Vacation. Yes, indeed, that left over money being available was no coincidence. It was only the beginning of the way God orchestrated this day.
Armed with $325, Tyler, and his truck, we headed to GR last night to get our "new-to-us" washer and dryer. The road down was safe and it only rained a bit as we loaded them up, strapped them down, and headed home. At the same time that our washer has gone caput, our dryer is perfectly fine... and alas, God had planned that out perfectly as well, because Ty and Holly are in need of one. Again, no coincidence!
And, sorry friends, but the story doesn't end there. In preparation for Ty taking us down to get the washer and dryer, he had cleaned out the backseat of his truck including Jessi's carseat, which he placed right inside the door in their breezeway. As we moved our old washer and dryer out, hauled them up the stairs, and got the new dryer down into the basement, we began to formulate a plan for getting our old dryer to Ty and Holly's... the cords were different and we had to make a change to accommodate our new unit. Thinking that we might be able to just swap Ty and Holly's for ours, I ran upstairs to get my phone and give Holly a call to see what her cord at home was like. We are very close to the Fire Barn and I could hear sirens pulling out and headed down 57 as I headed up the stairs. Funny, maybe, but each time I hear the sirens, my heart skips a beat and I say a prayer for whoever might be on the receiving end of that help. Little did I know that I was praying for our little Jessi girl!
When I reached Holly by phone, she was frantic... which is not normal for her, so I asked her if she was ok. "No" she screamed, "Tell Tyler to come home NOW!" Without thinking I hollared to Ty to go home now, threw him my keys, and relayed what Holly had told me "Jessi fell, hit her head, and she's convulsing and having a seizure! The ambulance is here!" As calm as I remained on the outside, my heart was beating madly and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Heath cried, then prayed, then we snapped into action, finishing the unloading of the washer and then heading out, hoping to be able to follow them down to the hospital. Noone was there so we drove back to get our van... driving by the fire barn, I noticed one of the response units pulling back in, "Pull in there" I said. We ran up to the barn, asked if they came from Shaner, and where they were taking Jessi. "Helen Devos, she's ok, she'll be alright!" But me, being the doubting person that I am didn't really listen to the last part... after all, isn't that what they say just before people die? Morbid, I know, but that is what goes through my mind everytime I hear that phrase from a doctor or nurse. Sorry to those of you who are doctors or nurses!
About 40 minutes later, we were at the hospital, just in time to see Jess. She was kind of out of it, mostly crying, and not herself. Scary, to say the least, but she got better as the night continued. Doctors said she had a febral (sp?) seizure that occurs when there is a rapid temp spike in little ones. Scary as that was, it's actually a protection from the seriousness of the spike in temperature. Praise the Lord for his intricate design in creating a body that protects itself against harm. Now almost 20 hours later, she is doing well and although continues to experience a fever, she is no longer having tremors or experiencing seizures. I pray that she continues to do well.
At any rate, this day that started out as any other day did not end that way. Still, I can see God's hand in every moment of it. It was no coincidence that our washer died on us and that we had most of the $ for it from our vacation. By no coincidence did we need Tyler's help moving it, thus allowing for the carseat to be left right by the door where the paramedics needed it. It wasn't a coincidence that the first response unit was pulling into the fire barn just when we needed them to find out where Jessi was. And by no coincidence, did the Lord provide an excellent Children's Hospital close to home. No, these aren't coincidences... these are God, His orchestrating hand in every area of our lives!
As I was living through those moments last night, I began to wonder about myself... as scary as it was, I never cried. What was I, heartless? I mean, the little girl that I love as my own, was lying in a hospital bed, being poked and prodded and I was cool and calm and collected. The tears just didn't come... not as I talked with Holly on the phone and relayed the message to Tyler, not when Heath lost it and cried out to God on our front porch, and not when we walked into the hospital room and saw her helpless little body lying on the bed. I don't know if it's my coping mechanism that causes me to hold back... as if when everyone else is upset, I can't be. Or if it's just that I was in denial... I don't know.
The tears did come... this morning as I picked up sweet Jessi's toys and books that were strewn all over the living room from yesterday. They came as I knelt on the floor and picked up the half eaten crackers and animal cookie crumbs that she left when she ran into her mommy's arms yesterday afternoon. They overflowed as I fed little Aurelia this morning in the quiet of the living room... quiet except for my sobs of relief. I think it was the action of picking up after little Jessi and realizing that we may have lost her... except by God's grace, it could have been the last time I picked those up... the pictures that I took of her and Uncle Heath, could have been the last and I am overwhelmed and thankful to God that we will still be able to enjoy her precious smiles, giggles, and witty ways! What a gift! What a miracle! And one, I'm afraid, that we take for granted too often. Never again!
Father God, awesome Healer, Prince of Peace... thank you for being near to us in our moments of fear. We praise you today for your ever present, protective hand on us and those we love. Thank you for continuing to heal little Jessi's body and for allowing us more time with her! May we never take her or any others that we love for granted. Help us to be evermindful of your hand in our every action and help us to never forget that coincidences to others are simply your hand in our lives.
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