Over this forever long 2WW (two week wait, for those of you not down with the infertility lingo... I HATE that I am!)I have been looking back over my infertility journal and noting milestones. Staring at pages and pages of the last nearly 4 years of my life has been tough. It's tough to see how much time and energy we have put into this baby journey with no return. It's tough to relive some of the moments that were so upsetting, and fun at the same time to see how God has worked through our journey. I have kept quite an extensive journal for a few reasons. #1- I always want to remember where we've been so that I don't lose sight of where we're going. #2- I want to be able to recall what worked when and how things all played out. #3- I'd never remember what meds I took when or how long we've been on this journey if I didn't write it all down to reference at any time. As I began flipping through things over the past couple of months today's date jumped off the page at me. It seems like February 9th has been a day of milestones over the last 4 years and that's something I couldn't just let pass by without mentioning it. It's just too cool of a God thing!
February 9, 2009- The day I first walked into Dr. Kitts office to get that ball rolling, so to speak, in the baby department. It was possibly the most nerve-wracking day of my life. For one thing, I stepped into the office of a completely new doctor. Someone I had never met, but that was my doctor since getting married and moving to Cedar. I think I would have rather driven to Hastings, but then I didn't really like my family doctor there either. I remember thinking, that although it was the beginning, it wouldn't last long and we'd get some medicine, maybe some tips, and we'd be on our way to parenthood. Obviously, God had different plans, because that was 4 years ago and here we are still waiting! The funniest thing to this day about Dr. Kitts (of course, you know if you've read my blog that I didn't remain his patient) is that as he talks to you about what might be wrong or might be done, he draws pictures on this little white board that's on the backside of every exam room door. Just imagine, Dr. Kitts, this little short man with graying hair, drawing pictures of my uterus and ovaries... like I'm some kindergartner that needs to see to believe I have tons of little cyst on my ovaries. Ah, yes, Feb 9th, 2009, quite the day!
February 9, 2010- Having spent entirely too long with that drawing Dr. Kitts, in July of 2009, we moved on to greener pastures. Dr. Kitts wanted to refer me to one of "his buddies", but if they were anything like him, I had no interest, so I had asked around and found an OB/GYN of my choosing. I won't lie, I chose my OB/GYN based on where I wanted to have my babies. But it just so happened, that the one I chose, Dr. Pete, was also highly recommended by Heath's cousin. Dr. Pete didn't draw pictures so that was a relief, and he was aggressive in treatment which was one thing that really drew me to him. Anyway, this February 9th, marks the day of my laporscopy/hysteroscopy. A pretty painful embarrassing surgery that produced some good things and brought some not-so-good things to our attention. I had recently had a hysterosalpingogram(HSG- aka the dye test) done and the Left tube appeared to be blocked. During the laporoscopy; however, there was no blockage in the left tube and the dye flowed freely. A praise God moment! On the down side, it was discovered that I had stage 2 endometriosis (endo). I guess it didn't really come as a surprise considering the many years that I had spent having very few periods. If the endometrium lining of the uterus was not flowing out every month, it had to be going somewhere. For me, it was depositing itself on the ovaries, which was further inhibiting my abilities to ovulate like a normal person. Again, a day that was a huge milestone to understanding our infertility.
February 9, 2011- After more than a year of monitoring, procedures, and appointments, and after more than 6 failed cycles of Clomid, Dr. Pete referred us to Dr. Dodds (his mentor, which I thought was kind of neat- and one of "his buddies" that I didn't mind being referred to since I was impressed with Dr. Pete's care)at the Fertility Center. This day was our first consultation with Dr. Dodds. The first time we sat across the desk from a fertility specialist, and the first time our hope was rekindled after such a long battle. We sat across the desk from Dr. Dodds and I'm sure there were tears shed as we told him our story from our point of view. He of course had the official records, but he took the time to listen. I remember him being impressed that we were so involved and proactive about our care. He complimented us on being prepared and knowledgeable about what we had been through and where we were going. How can you not be? When you want something, you really work for it... especially when what you want is an expression of the overflowing love you have with your spouse. Yes, this day, is not the least in our list of February 9th occurrences.
Finally, February 9, 2012- Today. The end of IVF#1- The results. The day that I will be poked possibly for the last time on this infertility journey. Our blood test to determine the results of our IVF. Are we or are we not pregnant? A HUGE milestone. One that I don't think I ever thought would be here. The day that determines our next few months. Positive and we will begin planning for baby. Painting the room, gathering supplies, jumping up and down for joy. Negative and we will likely melt into yet another puddle of tears. We will look back over the last couple of months and cry for all the time, energy, thousands of dollars, and HOPE that have been lost. We will probably NOT go join our family for Heath's birthday dinner. What kind of birthday dinner would that be? Maybe we'll sit at home feeling numbed by the news and watch whatever pointless show seems to be on TV. Maybe we'll crawl into bed and hope to never have to wake up. Or maybe we'll bury ourselves in a good book, hoping to not have to face reality. It's funny how I can think of more things to do if it's negative than if it's positive. I guess that just goes to show you how easily it is to doubt... and how difficult it is to hope. Doubt, despair, NEGATIVE tests are what's been ingrained in us over the past 4 years. That doesn't meant that's what is going to happen to us today, but it is what we know. Positive or negative, today marks a HUGE milestone in our journey. And positive or negative we still feel blessed by a God who lets nothing touch us that is not for our best.
December 7, 1941, may have been our nation's "day which shall live in infamy", but February 9th, 2012 can be classified as none other than our own personal "day which shall live in infamy".
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