It was by no accident that I jumped in the car at exactly 10am this morning to head out to my follicle scan. For at just that time, the song on the radio was saying the exact words I needed to hear "I am here, I am here, you will make it through this..."
I have learned that this fertility journey is a roller coaster of a ride. You feel down and discouraged, then all of a sudden things start moving and you feel hope again, only to be followed by another dashed dream and low spot in your life. And sometimes if you're not so lucky, you even get loopdy loops that turn you complete upside down... the difference with the roller coaster and actual life is that if you do a loop on a rollercoaster, it always brings you out of it and sets your feet on solid ground. Life on the other hand sometimes tips you upside down and you are left with pieces, not dry ground.
I feel overwhelmed with the results of the follicle scan today. There were no follicles over 1cm... that means that the Clomid still is not doing the trick. A part of me is ready to say ENOUGH... but then my dream is completely shattered. Then I may never have a child to call my own... and frankly I can't bear to continue pouring myself into everyone elses without hope for my own. It hurts too much when I have to face the facts that they are not mine. Dr. Pete wants to see me again and for the second time now has said he may need to refer us to a specialist. That breaks my heart... we do not have the money for that. I don't know what we will do. We are not in an easy situation. I have doubts that if we do nothing, my body will ever produce mature eggs and ovulate on it's own. It's just not likely to happen with PCOS and ENDO. On the other hand, we are not financially in a position where we can start looking at adoption or considering a specialist. I just don't know... I know that to God money is no issue, so do we step out in faith knowing that He'll close the door if it's not where He wants us... or is this a closed door?
We have a Fertility Seminar at The Fertility Center in Grand Rapids this Thursday. We are looking forward to it and learning more about the center. We also, by attending, will get a free consultation with the doctors. That will save us $232 and they will be able to give us an idea of what kind of procedures and fees we are looking at which will also help us determine what we can and cannot afford to do.
Our hearts hurt. I feel it deep down in my soul... the sorrow of empty arms... the sorrow of not knowing what is planned for our lives and whether we will ever get to hold our precious baby! I had a dream the other night... we finally had our little girl. SHe was adorable with her daddy's eyes and nose and with my smile. I woke up just sad... I don't like waking up from those dreams... I want them to be real. I can still see her sweet face and I can't help but wonder if this dream of ours will ever be a reality. At any rate, we have no choice but to continue on.... on this roller coaster of life known as Infertility.
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