Merry Christmas to all my dear friends and fellow couples struggling with infertility. It goes without saying that the Holiday's hold a certain sadness when your arms are empty. My sweet friends, I feel your pain... at the same time, Christmas is about giving and promises kept and that is what we must focus on. We must consciously give of ourselves to others. We must put on the smile and enjoy our family and share in the Christmas spirit. Odd isn't it, that the reason we are able to be here celebrating Christmas is because of a baby born so long ago. A baby... what we think of as the source of our pain right now, is really the source of our LIFE, joy, everlasting love, arms that are always around us, strength that comes only from that SON, and a knowledge that ALL IS WELL!
Yes, it is hard for me to type this. Yes, I want to just go to bed and not have to face all the pregnant bellies, birth talks, "what my baby is doing" braggings. But, for no other reason than to remember HIS birth and HIS promise of returning, I will press on. I will endure those talks, I will cuddle with my nieces and nephews, I will ENJOY Christmas with my family and friends. Yes, I have to make a conscious effort to remember these things, because I haven't forgotten the battle we have been fighting for close to 2 years. Yes, there will likely be tears; however I will strive to remember the real reason for Christmas.. which is not about me, but about HIM!
I have been hearing from God quite often lately. I suspect it is partly because of last weeks church service... I can't tell you what the name of the message was or all the bullet points, but I can tell you what God spoke to me. For the last 2 years I have been faithful in reading through my Bible during the course of the year. I get out my sheet of paper that list all the passages for each day, I read them, and I check them off my list. Sometimes I actually hear what I read, but a lot of times I was finding myself checking off the list and moving on with my day, not really letting HIS WORD sink in. I would get up in the morning, hurry out to the living room, read my passage, check it off, and turn on a movie that I had been thinking about watching or fix up a breakfast that sounded good. Hardly ever did I take time to consider what I had read and how it applied to my life. Last Sunday; however, something changed in me when I heard the message. Pastor talked about what Christmas could teach us about the Bible... it teaches us it is TRUTH. The one things that Pastor said that stuck out to me was that we needed to spend time in His word AND let it sink in, let it change us, let it renew our spirits. This week I have done that and I can tell an immediate difference in me being able to hear what God is speaking to me. He doesn't speak strictly through His word, but He has used other people, books, and songs to speak to me this week. I'm sure He has never stopped speaking to me, it's just that I was too wrapped up in ME to listen to what HE had to say. Oh Father, please forgive me for putting myself before YOU... the one who sent His Son so long ago, a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, to be my source of life. If I focus on any baby this season, please let it be Your Son!
There are things I've always known to be true that God has reminded me of this week. The one that I'm putting into practice this Holiday season is letting Joy find it's place in my life. The Bible says " Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith will develop patience." And so, I will choose to consider it JOY... the PURE JOY will have to come from only HIM. Even the JOY we sometimes need help with, because our own human selves have a hard time taking our eyes off our own troubles and finding joy in the midst of the sorrow.
12.25.2010
12.10.2010
Emotions Running Close to the Surface
We have had an emotional few days. It all started on Sunday with our Pastor's sermon... The Expectancy of Christmas. The sermon was about the fact that we so often get wrapped up in the point of Christmas being the birth of Jesus, that we forget that it is actually just the beginning. In bringing His son to the earth, God was fulfilling the prophesies and the promises... the expectancy of Christmas is not the birth of Jesus, but the fact that God fulfilled what was told and He will do so again at His second coming.
The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!
Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!
Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.
The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!
We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.
The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!
Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!
Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.
The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!
We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)