We are at my parents spending the night so that we can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with them this afternoon. Since we were in town and Nikki was busy, we took our 5 mo old niece, Mackenna for the night. Isabelle tagged along so we have both of our Hastings nieces with us. So fun!
It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.
Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..
I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.
Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.
11.25.2010
11.12.2010
Back to Square One
Sometimes I just feel like screaming. In fact, today was one of those days. We felt so hopeful going into our ultra/sound, but alas, the hope was for naught, because our potential babies were back down to less than 1cm.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.
I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.
I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.
11.10.2010
Finally Feeling Encouraged
We had our ultrasound yesterday... actually to be medically correct it was a Follicle Study to determine if the Clomid is triggering follicle growth or not. Last month, when I was on 100mg, there was no growth. There were several cysts that were under 1cm in diameter. They likely were just the symptoms of PCOS.
This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!
The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.
Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!
My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy
This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!
The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.
Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!
My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy
11.05.2010
Why Worry, When You Can Pray?!?
I just finished watching the movie "Julie and Julia" for probably the fifth time. I LOVE that movie and it never ceases to inspire me to blog. Today, it reminded me that I have not blogged in a while and that I had a few things that I wanted to share.
We are still on our journey to having a family. It's growing long and tedious. There are some days where I barely think about my empty arms, then there are days when it's all I can think about. There are moments when I'm out and about and I cross the baby section in a store and I love to stop and look and dream, then there are days where when I come across the baby section I want to run to the nearest hole and cry out to God for mercy. There are some days where I feel like we are doing just fine just the two of us, but then sometimes when I don't think we can place one foot in front of the other because of the burden we carry. We are fine. If there never is a child we can call our own, we are still fine.
I find sometimes that when I think about it my fear comes from the fact that I may never be a mother and Heath may never be a father. But then, if I'm completely honest, sometimes my fear comes because I don't want to be "that couple that couldn't have babies". I don't want people to look back over our marriage and our lives and see that all we ever fought for was a baby and we never got it. Instead, I want people to look at our marriage and see Christ as the centerpoint. I want them to look at our journey and not see what we did or did not accomplish, but what we learned and how we grew through the experience.
Life is all about experiences. Every day is a new one. Each moment is a chance to experience life to it's fullest. We have learned that the only way to do that is to crawl up on God's lap, curl up in His arms, and bask in His love and mercy. If you are reading this blog and you are also on a journey to have a family or any other journey for that matter, please know that you will only be satisfied when you allow Christ to fill you. There is no child, no coveted job, no amount of success that will fulfill your desires. You, on your own, will always want more. But when we grow in our faith and learn about our Heavenly Father, that's when we are completely satisfied, even if we never accomplish those things we wish for.
Next week we will go for a second ultrasound. This time to see if the 150mg of Clomid did the trick or not. I haven't experienced any increased side effects, which makes me doubtful. It could be that nothings working, or it could be just that we gradually increased and for that reason I don't have to suffer the side effects. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I will admit, I'm feeling doubtful! I'm reminded of a song I learned as a child!
"Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.
Don't be a doubting Thomas,
Trust fully in His promise.
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can PRAY?"
We are still on our journey to having a family. It's growing long and tedious. There are some days where I barely think about my empty arms, then there are days when it's all I can think about. There are moments when I'm out and about and I cross the baby section in a store and I love to stop and look and dream, then there are days where when I come across the baby section I want to run to the nearest hole and cry out to God for mercy. There are some days where I feel like we are doing just fine just the two of us, but then sometimes when I don't think we can place one foot in front of the other because of the burden we carry. We are fine. If there never is a child we can call our own, we are still fine.
I find sometimes that when I think about it my fear comes from the fact that I may never be a mother and Heath may never be a father. But then, if I'm completely honest, sometimes my fear comes because I don't want to be "that couple that couldn't have babies". I don't want people to look back over our marriage and our lives and see that all we ever fought for was a baby and we never got it. Instead, I want people to look at our marriage and see Christ as the centerpoint. I want them to look at our journey and not see what we did or did not accomplish, but what we learned and how we grew through the experience.
Life is all about experiences. Every day is a new one. Each moment is a chance to experience life to it's fullest. We have learned that the only way to do that is to crawl up on God's lap, curl up in His arms, and bask in His love and mercy. If you are reading this blog and you are also on a journey to have a family or any other journey for that matter, please know that you will only be satisfied when you allow Christ to fill you. There is no child, no coveted job, no amount of success that will fulfill your desires. You, on your own, will always want more. But when we grow in our faith and learn about our Heavenly Father, that's when we are completely satisfied, even if we never accomplish those things we wish for.
Next week we will go for a second ultrasound. This time to see if the 150mg of Clomid did the trick or not. I haven't experienced any increased side effects, which makes me doubtful. It could be that nothings working, or it could be just that we gradually increased and for that reason I don't have to suffer the side effects. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I will admit, I'm feeling doubtful! I'm reminded of a song I learned as a child!
"Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.
Don't be a doubting Thomas,
Trust fully in His promise.
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can PRAY?"
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