Last week was such a tough week to say the least. I had an ultrasound with results that were not what we had hoped for. We received notification from our insurance company (again) that they wanted us to pay 50% of the cost for the procedure I had back in December. Yes, 9 months ago. A procedure that they approved ahead of time and already paid in full. And overall, I came through the week feeling very emotional and drained for obvious reasons.
I was feeling very hesitant yesterday about singing in church. It was my first time since February. I was on a sort of sabbatical, I guess you could say. After my surgery in February I was taking a short break, but it turned out to be much longer as our struggles with infertility became more involved and stressful. I just began singing again... just feeling like I was getting to a point where I could sing, really mean the words I sang, and not cry through each song. After warming up, I felt even more hesitant to sing. Not that the warm up did not go well, it was more about me. I was feeling low and out of place and I can't even explain why except that I think the Devil was trying to get to me. After talking with Heath, shedding a few tears, and taking deep breaths, I began to pray that the Lord would give me strength and that He would open my heart to what I could learn from His word.
I believe God was trying to teach me about His faithfulness even in the midst of our circumstances. As I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" I realized that as many times as I had sang that song before, I'm not sure I ever thought about the words or pondered what they meant. Sunday; however, though noone sat down and explained the words to me, my eyes were opened, my heart in tune, and I finally understood. It's not that I didn't know He was faithful... our life is a living testimony of His faithfulness; but I know that in singing that song before I didn't really think about what it was saying about His faithfulness. "There is no shadow of turning with thee"..I never really understood until this weekend what that meant. God is unchanging, immovable, He is right where we need Him, and He doesn't turn from one side to the other.... there is no shadow from His turning away. That really hit me!
The message was about knowing who God is. Obviously one of his attributes is Faithfulness. Pastor Kevin shared with us a verse that I claim as my own. 2 Timothy 2:13 "When we are faithless, He remains faithful, because He cannot deny Himself." He can't be unfaithful, because He is faithfulness. Does that make sense? I don't know a better way to express it. But I am encouraged, because even when I am unfaithful, wavering in my trust, He is still faithfully working in my life.
I think our small group is possibly the most amazing group of people I know. Last night after Heath and I tearfully shared about our week and our struggles, they gathered around us and prayed for us. The power of Prayer is quite amazing. With their hands on us and their words of encouragement surrounding us, we felt the peace of God. It didn't matter that we had just come through a very tough week, or that the week ahead was unsure... the only thing that mattered was the feeling of God's people, our small group family, loving us enough to gather around and speak to God with words that we were unable to express. It was amazing... something I've seen in other people's lives, but never experienced myself.
Thank you, Father, for the power of prayer. Thank you for sending your peace through the words of our friends and family. Thank you for showing us your faithfulness in our every day lives when often we are faithless, for providing exactly what we need at just the right time, and for your strength to press on in the trials.
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