Updates!

I feel like I did better this time at Dr. Pete's office. I didn't cry while I was talking with him (which is a first time in 9 months) and sitting in the waiting room was tolerable this time. It might be that the time of day cut down on the number of expectant mothers I had to be face to face with. Or maybe it was just God smiling down on me knowing that I was not prepared to deal with that. Either way, I know the strength came from my Savior.

Despite the strength, I did still feel nervous as I do each time, but as I think about that, I know that, that is something I must work on. There is no need to be nervous... if my strength, my hope, my future rests in the very capable loving hands of my Father, then I must only think positively and trust wholeheartedly.

Once I got into the consult room, I sat praying for strength and a calm heart. I felt the Lord's presence strongly in the room. Even as I prayed the paper that doctor's office use on the exam tables made a crinkling noise across the room. I looked up from the spot on the floor that I was staring at and began to stare at the table. I know it seems like a strange occurrence and I'm pretty sure that it was moved by the air flowing from the vent, but I believe that God used that as a very real example that He was indeed with me and not just in thought, but actually sitting next to me in the room, holding my hand.

This appt had a distinct different feel to it. It's not that we are headed in any big different direction, we're actually repeating everything just with a higher dosage of Clomid, but for whatever reason it felt different sitting there talking with Dr. Pete. After thinking over it, I believe it is because I feel like we are getting a better handle on things. No I'm not ovulating, No we don't really know why, No I'm not pregnant, but we are on our way to finding these things out. In a perfect world, Dr. Pete would have all the answers and be able to know exactly what would work and what would not, but it's not a perfect world, so I have to be content in the waiting. I feel confidently that although the waiting is very difficult, all of this "wasted time" (as we sometimes think of it) is not wasted at all because it's all a part of His perfect plan. Thinking that it's wasted is just a reason for me to feel down and out, but it's not wasted. No day living for Christ and serving Him and His people through our struggles is ever wasted.

I had a chance to chat for a few moments with a close friend of the family today. A sweet, very Godly lady who was so encouraging to me. I'm so thankful for people that God has placed in my life not just right now through our struggles, but from the beginning of my life the people he faithfully placed, knowing what I would need and who could provide it at such a time as this. God, you are so good... all the time, ALL the time!

I know you've read this whole post wondering what Dr. Pete said. I apologize for making you read so much before getting down to the nitty gritty, but I don't want this blog to just be a place where I air all of the details and leave it at that. I want this to be a place where people learn more about God and His character through my life and our struggles and joys. I keep thinking on the fact that there is no good reason why Heath and I would need to endure the pain of infertility except for the distinct privilege of reaching people with our story. And so, occasionally, I feel it's necessary to really share the nitty gritty of our feelings and experiences and observations, before I get to the nitty gritty of our medical prognosis.

At any rate... Dr. Pete feels that we are really fighting the PCOS. He believes that may be the biggest reason why my body is not responding so well to the Clomid @ 50mg and 100mg. The ultrasound revealed multiple cysts on both ovaries, which could be follicles that are not maturing or just the effects of the PCOS. That's an unknown. After my cycle starts (either on it's own or induced with Provera), I will take 150mg of Clomid for days 3-7. I'm nervous about that... not sure what that amount of Clomid will do to me. Please pray with us that the side effects will not be too unpleasant. On top of that, because Dr. Pete feels like my stress was much lower after the u/s (because we knew what was going on and weren't just guessing), we will be doing another u/s on day 15 of my cycle. The results of that will determine where we go next.

Until then, the only thing I can do is pray that the Lord would continue to strengthen us and surround us with friends and family who love and pray for us. Can't wait to see what this next cycle holds!

The Power of Prayer

Last week was such a tough week to say the least. I had an ultrasound with results that were not what we had hoped for. We received notification from our insurance company (again) that they wanted us to pay 50% of the cost for the procedure I had back in December. Yes, 9 months ago. A procedure that they approved ahead of time and already paid in full. And overall, I came through the week feeling very emotional and drained for obvious reasons.

I was feeling very hesitant yesterday about singing in church. It was my first time since February. I was on a sort of sabbatical, I guess you could say. After my surgery in February I was taking a short break, but it turned out to be much longer as our struggles with infertility became more involved and stressful. I just began singing again... just feeling like I was getting to a point where I could sing, really mean the words I sang, and not cry through each song. After warming up, I felt even more hesitant to sing. Not that the warm up did not go well, it was more about me. I was feeling low and out of place and I can't even explain why except that I think the Devil was trying to get to me. After talking with Heath, shedding a few tears, and taking deep breaths, I began to pray that the Lord would give me strength and that He would open my heart to what I could learn from His word.

I believe God was trying to teach me about His faithfulness even in the midst of our circumstances. As I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" I realized that as many times as I had sang that song before, I'm not sure I ever thought about the words or pondered what they meant. Sunday; however, though noone sat down and explained the words to me, my eyes were opened, my heart in tune, and I finally understood. It's not that I didn't know He was faithful... our life is a living testimony of His faithfulness; but I know that in singing that song before I didn't really think about what it was saying about His faithfulness. "There is no shadow of turning with thee"..I never really understood until this weekend what that meant. God is unchanging, immovable, He is right where we need Him, and He doesn't turn from one side to the other.... there is no shadow from His turning away. That really hit me!

The message was about knowing who God is. Obviously one of his attributes is Faithfulness. Pastor Kevin shared with us a verse that I claim as my own. 2 Timothy 2:13 "When we are faithless, He remains faithful, because He cannot deny Himself." He can't be unfaithful, because He is faithfulness. Does that make sense? I don't know a better way to express it. But I am encouraged, because even when I am unfaithful, wavering in my trust, He is still faithfully working in my life.

I think our small group is possibly the most amazing group of people I know. Last night after Heath and I tearfully shared about our week and our struggles, they gathered around us and prayed for us. The power of Prayer is quite amazing. With their hands on us and their words of encouragement surrounding us, we felt the peace of God. It didn't matter that we had just come through a very tough week, or that the week ahead was unsure... the only thing that mattered was the feeling of God's people, our small group family, loving us enough to gather around and speak to God with words that we were unable to express. It was amazing... something I've seen in other people's lives, but never experienced myself.

Thank you, Father, for the power of prayer. Thank you for sending your peace through the words of our friends and family. Thank you for showing us your faithfulness in our every day lives when often we are faithless, for providing exactly what we need at just the right time, and for your strength to press on in the trials.

I'm struggling with words here... I know what I'm feeling, but I don't know how to speak.

I had an ultrasound yesterday. A follicle study, to be exact. The reason: to find out if my body is producing but not releasing matured eggs; or if my body is not producing matured eggs. I went into the ultrasound rather apprehensive. I was feeling like the results wouldn't be good, that there would be no eggs, but I was also feeling hopeful that the results would be good. I got there early and I sat in my truck, praying that God would calm my heart, that I wouldn't cry, and that I would accept the results.

I am so thankful. God did answer prayer and also worked some things out that were unknown to me. For instance, Dr. Pete was at a medical conference, but the U/S tech was very professional and caring and I was glad she was there. In a normal every day U/S room, the technician can give no results to the patient. Instead they send the info to the doctor and they read the results. Which in this time crunch (because we need to be able to know when I'm ovulating so we can time things appropriately) is kind of important. God knew all along that Dr. Pete was going to be at a conference until Monday. After almost tearfully (but not, so another answered prayer) explaingin the situation to the technician,she talked with one of the other doctors on staff and was able to give me some results. I did not cry in front of the office staff, but my face must have been extremely readable (I was very close to crying), so the sweet tech pushed me to the front of the line so I was able to get done more quickly.

The results: There were multiple follicles on both ovaries, which is good, but they were only 1mm in size and should have measured closer to 11-12 or so in order to be 15-17 in 3 days. So... that means, all along, as we feared, the Clomid has not been working. I don't know what is ahead. I will meet with Dr. Pete again next week to go over the results and see where we go from here. It could be that we adjust the dosage of Clomid. It could be that we try a different drug.

Until then, I am thinking and praying....Feeling quite down.