It seems like no matter what I do, God is always speaking to me. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong... but if I am completely honest, sometimes I just want to be left to wallow in my worry and sadness.
I am grateful; however, that our God knows exactly what I need and when... He knows that it profits nothing to wallow in my self pity and worry and sadness. He knows that it's not a testimony of His greatness to get down on myself and our circumstances. He knows that what I really need is to be reminded of His love, His faithfulness, and His promise!
After posting "It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...", I drove into town to get some things for dinner. Amazing that God knew just when to play "Waiting Room" on the radio. I have never heard this song, but it is definitely a new favorite. It pretty much states all the things I know I want to say, but just can't get out.
We pray daily for God to bless us with a family. And then we wait, and wait, and wait, for an answer. At least that's what I thought we did... until I heard this song. Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes, It's not always NO, sometimes it's just WAIT... but we're not waiting for an answer, we are waiting for whatever it is that God is going to bless us with. In our case, we are waiting for a family, but for others it may be a spouse, a job, a friend or loved one to be saved... the list goes on.
Regardless of what you are waiting for, we have to remember that God is so much wiser than us. He has the ability to see the big picture. So if He tells us to WAIT, we need to wait, resting in the fact that He is all-knowing and therefore He knows what is best and when the best time is.
Take a peek at the song "Waiting Room" by Johnny Diaz.
8.31.2010
It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...
There are several times that I have begun to write this post, but I always stopped after clicking NEW POST. While I knew what I was feeling, the words just wouldn't come. Even as I'm beginning now, the words are all jumbled in my mind. They swirl around waiting for me to place them in the correct order to express myself. There are many times that I know what I want to say, but then I worry about how my message might be taken. So, in hopes of not hitting someone wrongly, I suffer silently with those words just continuing to swirl around in my head. I suspect that many women (and men) who deal with infertility suffer in the same way. We walk through malls and watch expectant mothers caress their ever growing bellies and it feels like a stab to us. An ever present reminder of what we don't and may never have. We watch commercials on TV that inform us of the best baby products out there. The ones we don't need. We go to baby showers and sit in rooms with multiple expectant mothers and we listen to stories of their labor and delivery and how hard it was. And some of them even have the guts to say that they never want to do it again. I wonder if they understand what a miracle they have just experienced. What a blessing that is... a gift... something that not everyone will get to experience. At first glance, as a woman struggling with infertility, their comments seem harsh and inconsiderate. And we suffer silently. We smile and nod our heads and exclaim "Yipes!" and "Oh!" in all the right spots. But deep down, we can't get out of that conversation fast enough. It's not that we don't want to hear their stories, it's more that in mere seconds we could dissolve into a puddle of tears. Tears that are hard to explain or understand unless you are a woman struggling with infertility.
For the first time last night I had this happen to me. My good friend, Kara, told me that I would get to a time when it would be difficult to attend baby showers. While I respected her words, I honestly thought that I was strong enough to push the tears and feelings down at least long enough to get through a baby shower. But my friend, you were right... The nerves started in the afternoon as I began to count in my head the number of expectant mothers I would have to encounter last evening. I knew there would be at least 3 because the shower was for 2 of them and my sister was the other. Little did I know I would encounter 6... I had prepared my self for 3, but 6!?!? That was just a cruel joke. I walked in the door and felt immediately out of place... almost invisible because I wasn't one of them, and at the same time as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and INFERTILITY was engraved on my forehead for the whole world to see. I cuddled with my nieces and talked with my sister and successfully pushed the tears further down from the surface praying that it would work and the shower would go quickly. I tried to avoid talking to anyone but my family, because I knew that tears were so close that any question, might set me off. And I am convinced, it would have worked too, but one question (I don't even know what it was), and I was in tears. Embarrassed. Rushing to give up my new niece that I had, so that I could run to the bathroom before anyone noticed.
I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant or be able to experience the joy of holding our child for the first time. I don't know if I will ever get to smell that sweet baby smell, to share smiles with our son or daughter, or to dwell on the miracle of God's gift of our child. I don't know if I will be able to continually encounter and rejoice with other expectant mothers. What I do know is that God is still blessing us. Despite my heartache, embarrassment, tears upon tears, silent suffering, frustrations, daily ovulation tests that show I'm not ovulating, and monthly pregnancy tests that read negative, God is still good. Those are not words that come easily, but in my heart, I still know they are true.
A few weeks ago, we received a letter from our Insurance company that we needed to pay $2100 towards the surgery that I had in February. A surgery that was pre-approved in writing by our insurance company and had already been paid in full by them. It was not until after the fact, 6 months after, to be exact, that they dug around and decided it had to do with infertility and our 50% co-pay would be required. We appealed in writing and sent post-operative notes from Dr. Pete the next week and received a letter about a week later (last Tuesday) that they were reviewing our case and we should hear by Sept 18. As we read that letter, we continued to pray, as we had been, that the right person would read our letter of appeal and post-operative notes and would push it through. We settled in, thinking we would have to wait another 3 weeks to hear the final decision, gearing up to have to fight more. Instead, God had a different plan. Three days later (last Friday), we received another letter that said our case had been reviewed and according to our testimony and the post-operative notes, the surgery was not considered infertility-related and would be covered as it was. We would not be required to pay the $2100. Praise God! He is working, He is good, He is greater and stronger and higher than any other, namely our insurance company.
I don't really know how to close this post except to say... Thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying!
For the first time last night I had this happen to me. My good friend, Kara, told me that I would get to a time when it would be difficult to attend baby showers. While I respected her words, I honestly thought that I was strong enough to push the tears and feelings down at least long enough to get through a baby shower. But my friend, you were right... The nerves started in the afternoon as I began to count in my head the number of expectant mothers I would have to encounter last evening. I knew there would be at least 3 because the shower was for 2 of them and my sister was the other. Little did I know I would encounter 6... I had prepared my self for 3, but 6!?!? That was just a cruel joke. I walked in the door and felt immediately out of place... almost invisible because I wasn't one of them, and at the same time as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and INFERTILITY was engraved on my forehead for the whole world to see. I cuddled with my nieces and talked with my sister and successfully pushed the tears further down from the surface praying that it would work and the shower would go quickly. I tried to avoid talking to anyone but my family, because I knew that tears were so close that any question, might set me off. And I am convinced, it would have worked too, but one question (I don't even know what it was), and I was in tears. Embarrassed. Rushing to give up my new niece that I had, so that I could run to the bathroom before anyone noticed.
I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant or be able to experience the joy of holding our child for the first time. I don't know if I will ever get to smell that sweet baby smell, to share smiles with our son or daughter, or to dwell on the miracle of God's gift of our child. I don't know if I will be able to continually encounter and rejoice with other expectant mothers. What I do know is that God is still blessing us. Despite my heartache, embarrassment, tears upon tears, silent suffering, frustrations, daily ovulation tests that show I'm not ovulating, and monthly pregnancy tests that read negative, God is still good. Those are not words that come easily, but in my heart, I still know they are true.
A few weeks ago, we received a letter from our Insurance company that we needed to pay $2100 towards the surgery that I had in February. A surgery that was pre-approved in writing by our insurance company and had already been paid in full by them. It was not until after the fact, 6 months after, to be exact, that they dug around and decided it had to do with infertility and our 50% co-pay would be required. We appealed in writing and sent post-operative notes from Dr. Pete the next week and received a letter about a week later (last Tuesday) that they were reviewing our case and we should hear by Sept 18. As we read that letter, we continued to pray, as we had been, that the right person would read our letter of appeal and post-operative notes and would push it through. We settled in, thinking we would have to wait another 3 weeks to hear the final decision, gearing up to have to fight more. Instead, God had a different plan. Three days later (last Friday), we received another letter that said our case had been reviewed and according to our testimony and the post-operative notes, the surgery was not considered infertility-related and would be covered as it was. We would not be required to pay the $2100. Praise God! He is working, He is good, He is greater and stronger and higher than any other, namely our insurance company.
I don't really know how to close this post except to say... Thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying!
8.07.2010
Never stop dreaming
As I begin writing this post, I am sitting in my living room staring out at the beautiful sunny day and dreaming about the day that I will hopefully be a mom and this quiet will be interrupted by baby coos and toddler giggles. The day when I can't sleep in until 8:30 but instead am awakened to the sweet sounds of my daughter or son calling out for Mommy or Daddy. Yet as I dream of that, I realize that it may be just a dream and never a reality.
We were faced this week with a situation that may cause us to make the very difficult decision to take a break from our baby journey. Back in February, I had exploratory surgery that was the basis for getting us started on infertility meds. At the time, we received a letter of approval from our insurance company, and knowing that they were going to cover the surgery 100% we moved forward with the surgery and after that the infertility meds. Now, 6 months later, we received notification from them stating that those claims were paid in error and we are responsible for over $2000 worth of medical bills. We do not have that kind of money just sitting around... it will take us months to pay it off... in the meantime, we also know that if our insurance is going to do this with every procedure, it is not a journey we have the finances for. We are appealing this decision by the insurance company and would love your prayers as the waiting is going to be anxious filled.
I feel frustrated. I feel defeated. And there are times that, even after what seems like so little time (in the infertility world anyway), I would like to throw in the towel and resign myself to knowing that it will be just the two of us forever. Infertility causes a pain that one cannot know unless you have traveled through it yourself. There are days that you feel hopeful and on track and you just know good things are coming. And there are days, like today, that you feel like if you see one more bulging baby belly or hear one more cliche' phrase like "It'll happen","You've still got time", "God ALWAYS knows best".... you would like to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again. You see, those phrases only sound good to those who are sharing them. I'm not doubting God or his BEST for me. I'm not losing hope, I'm just having a rough day.
We don't know whether we will be able to continue treatments. The financial burden is heavy. The clomid, so far, does not seem to be doing the trick for getting me ovulating. Next step would be a higher dose of Clomid. Dr. Pete will only up the dosage one more time before he recommends Intra-uterine insemination, where they inject the sperm directly where it needs to go at the appropriate time. The costs when we go to this procedure jump up considerable from the $40-$60/ month we are paying now. On top of that, again, the insurance company will not pay much of it. And if that doesn't work, then it's on to IVF, but again, big financial burden. Next? Would be adoption... an even bigger expense both financially and emotionally.
At any rate you can see why our minds are wandering to the what "ifs" of this journey. We're just not sure what God has planned. And it scares us to think that His plan might be for us to be "just the two of us" for the rest of our lives. We wonder... is this insurance scare, the Lord closing the door on our infertility journey? Or is it him opening a door to be able to show how Amazing our God is? Or is it just a way for us to be brought back to Him... to trust Him... to give our worries and anxieties to Him? I don't know... right now I feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities.
It is hard to watch my husband's face and eyes light up as a child walks into the room. Or watch him rush to his niece to make her smile and kiss her precious cheeks. Beautiful, but hard, because that's how it's supposed to be only I can't give that to him... The pain of watching him cry over not being a father yet, is more unbearable than the pain that my empty arms cause me. It is physically painful to watch him and to share his sadness. He is such a good man.. He deserves to be a daddy and I know that if that Lord grants us that blessing, he will be the BEST!
For now, we continue putting one foot in front of the other. We continue waking up to a new morning each day. We press on the only way we know how.... by putting on a smile and expressing thankfulness for every day we are given and all the ways God has provided so far. We hold on to the hope of the things we haven't seen and can't imagine. We accept our infertility as an opportunity to reach out to others and to grow in our trust. And we dream... we never stop dreaming about all the possibilities!
We were faced this week with a situation that may cause us to make the very difficult decision to take a break from our baby journey. Back in February, I had exploratory surgery that was the basis for getting us started on infertility meds. At the time, we received a letter of approval from our insurance company, and knowing that they were going to cover the surgery 100% we moved forward with the surgery and after that the infertility meds. Now, 6 months later, we received notification from them stating that those claims were paid in error and we are responsible for over $2000 worth of medical bills. We do not have that kind of money just sitting around... it will take us months to pay it off... in the meantime, we also know that if our insurance is going to do this with every procedure, it is not a journey we have the finances for. We are appealing this decision by the insurance company and would love your prayers as the waiting is going to be anxious filled.
I feel frustrated. I feel defeated. And there are times that, even after what seems like so little time (in the infertility world anyway), I would like to throw in the towel and resign myself to knowing that it will be just the two of us forever. Infertility causes a pain that one cannot know unless you have traveled through it yourself. There are days that you feel hopeful and on track and you just know good things are coming. And there are days, like today, that you feel like if you see one more bulging baby belly or hear one more cliche' phrase like "It'll happen","You've still got time", "God ALWAYS knows best".... you would like to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again. You see, those phrases only sound good to those who are sharing them. I'm not doubting God or his BEST for me. I'm not losing hope, I'm just having a rough day.
We don't know whether we will be able to continue treatments. The financial burden is heavy. The clomid, so far, does not seem to be doing the trick for getting me ovulating. Next step would be a higher dose of Clomid. Dr. Pete will only up the dosage one more time before he recommends Intra-uterine insemination, where they inject the sperm directly where it needs to go at the appropriate time. The costs when we go to this procedure jump up considerable from the $40-$60/ month we are paying now. On top of that, again, the insurance company will not pay much of it. And if that doesn't work, then it's on to IVF, but again, big financial burden. Next? Would be adoption... an even bigger expense both financially and emotionally.
At any rate you can see why our minds are wandering to the what "ifs" of this journey. We're just not sure what God has planned. And it scares us to think that His plan might be for us to be "just the two of us" for the rest of our lives. We wonder... is this insurance scare, the Lord closing the door on our infertility journey? Or is it him opening a door to be able to show how Amazing our God is? Or is it just a way for us to be brought back to Him... to trust Him... to give our worries and anxieties to Him? I don't know... right now I feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities.
It is hard to watch my husband's face and eyes light up as a child walks into the room. Or watch him rush to his niece to make her smile and kiss her precious cheeks. Beautiful, but hard, because that's how it's supposed to be only I can't give that to him... The pain of watching him cry over not being a father yet, is more unbearable than the pain that my empty arms cause me. It is physically painful to watch him and to share his sadness. He is such a good man.. He deserves to be a daddy and I know that if that Lord grants us that blessing, he will be the BEST!
For now, we continue putting one foot in front of the other. We continue waking up to a new morning each day. We press on the only way we know how.... by putting on a smile and expressing thankfulness for every day we are given and all the ways God has provided so far. We hold on to the hope of the things we haven't seen and can't imagine. We accept our infertility as an opportunity to reach out to others and to grow in our trust. And we dream... we never stop dreaming about all the possibilities!
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