Broken and Hurting....

I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I've completely let myself down. I had such high hopes and such big pictures of what this month was going to look like. I didn't really take into consideration that they could be just... dreams, and not realities.

We found out on Monday that this month's fertility treatment did not produce what we were hoping for. We planned for things to work just as they were supposed to and at the end of the treatment we would be able to jump for joy and be on our way to being parents. However, we are faced with the truth that God's plans are not our plans... neither are His ways our ways... or His timing our timing. As much as we'd like it to be, we know that His plans, ways, timing are PERFECT and what we want is not always what we need or when we need it.

Even though we believe this, we lay last night in bed cuddled together, crying out to God, broken, in tears, wondering why. Today, I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. I'm so distracted and it's hard to focus. I am thankful that I don't have to be at school, although maybe that would keep my mind engaged on something other than my broken heart and empty arms. I am frustrated... if I'm not pregnant, why didn't my cycle start? Is the medicine working? How many months of this will it take? I don't know if I can do this again and again... it hurts... incredibly!

Last night I went to Walmart and it was all I could do to choke back the tears. I got so angry when I saw a group of teenagers.. 15 or 16... walking around Walmart pushing a cart with a baby. I don't understand. Why not me? Why can't that be me? Almost every time I am in Walmart or Meijer, I walk through the baby department. I look at the cute little clothes and the baby beds and strollers and carseats and pick out what I might someday use. Last night, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it... I steered clear of the baby department. It was just too much!

I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who have children that I can watch and love on... but it's bittersweet, because at the end of the day, when I hand them back to their mothers, I am broken inside even as I smile on the outside. I want to be a mother, I want Heath to be a daddy... to a child that we don't have to give back at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong... I love babysitting and I'm not some kind of freak that's going to run off with your child, I'm just your everyday woman struggling with infertility.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or not feel. I don't know how to stop thinking about it and focus on my life here and now. What I do know is that I can't do it without my Father. I know that I couldn't do this with anyone else but Heath... he is amazing, everyday. I know that what God promises, He will bring to pass. I know that I can find joy even in this heartbreaking journey. I know that all of this that is going on can only be for one reason... His glory and I know that we can have Hope, because He has overcome the pain.

Father, I come to you broken and hurting. I come having the deepest desire to honor you in this situation. I am frustrated and I'm having a hard time seeing the light and experiencing peace and joy right now. Please give me the strength to keep pressing on, to run the race as someone with purpose, to put my trust for our future completely in your hands. I love you and I need you every hour!