On My Knees

I had to drop off my husband’s semen sample this morning. I was so unprepared for the emotions that hit me as I walked into the fertility center. I had to choke back the tears that threatened to spill for reasons still unexplained. Maybe it was just my fear showing through. Maybe it was my husbands nervous smile and “I love you” as we parted ways and I headed to the clinic. Perhaps it was just the reality of our situation. I’m not sure, but I was never so happy to leave a lab and walk to my car, in the rain. It was like I couldn’t get there fast enough, and as soon as I was in the comfort of my car, the tears flowed freely.

The realization that the people that I saw (some couples, others by themselves) sitting in the waiting room, were all dealing with similar things hit me and overwhelmed me. There was a family feel to the environment because of the commonness we shared, even though those I saw, I had never met. It is hard to put into words the emotions that were free flowing through me, but they drained me. I came to work in a daze and so far it feels like I am working in a fog. On the outside I look like any other person, my hair is pulled up, my jewelry shines, and my makeup is meticulous. On the inside, I feel caged. I want to scream. I want my husband. I don’t want to be here, I want to be in his arms. I want to comfort him… he is nervous. The waiting is unmistakeably difficult. You can’t know the anxiety and stress it creates until you are in the situation. All those times I tried to comfort friends going through it. I had no idea what was really going on.

The only thing I know to do is get on my knees…. I’m reminded again of a song. The words to “On My Knees” are to the left. Reflect on them, cry to God, know that He is always in control. When there is nothing else to say, noone else to turn to, HE is still God. He is still Faithful. He is still holding you!

Father God, you know what it is we are feeling. You know the heartache and the uncertainty that accompanies each of these appointments. Let us feel your peace as we wait for the test results. Let us remember you know what is best and that your timing is PERFECT. Whatever your will is, prepare us to accept it. Preapare our hearts for what we will hear in the next week. Prepare us, God. We don’t know what is ahead. We give it all to you. ALL of it. EVERY hope, EVERY dream, EVERY heartache. Do with us as you please and forgive us for the times we don’t trust. We love you! In Jesus Name, Amen!