Well, the doctor called... the results from Heath's analysis are in. He is mostly good. Dr. Pete says motility (the number moving forward in a straight line, towards the egg)is about 45.5% where they like to see it at 50%. We are thankful, though, that the margin is very minimal and Dr. Pete thinks that should be no reason, we haven't been able to conceive yet. Praise the Lord for answered prayers and peace in the waiting.
It's amazing to me how our bodies will react to our hearts desire. I mean this... I had been having what I thought were pregnancy symptoms for a couple of weeks. We of course, thought those to be pretty good indications that maybe, just maybe, we might be pregnant. I put off taking the test for a good week and a half, because I didn't know if I could bear the big fat negative again. Eventually, though, for peace of mind, I take the test. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more hoping against all hope. Now we know... I am not pregnant and the symptoms are likely side effects of the metformin that I am taking. What gets me is that fairly shortly after I take the test, within a couple days, the symptoms start to subside. That's when I know my body is beginning to play tricks on me. My body is trying to create this hope that is then shattered with a litle stick that reads "NOT PREGNANT". Well, I share this, to say this... We are not losing hope, our hope is in the Lord! Not in our bodies, not in anything we say or do or anything others say or do. We only trust in Him and His perfect timing!
10.22.2009
10.09.2009
On My Knees
I had to drop off my husband’s semen sample this morning. I was so unprepared for the emotions that hit me as I walked into the fertility center. I had to choke back the tears that threatened to spill for reasons still unexplained. Maybe it was just my fear showing through. Maybe it was my husbands nervous smile and “I love you” as we parted ways and I headed to the clinic. Perhaps it was just the reality of our situation. I’m not sure, but I was never so happy to leave a lab and walk to my car, in the rain. It was like I couldn’t get there fast enough, and as soon as I was in the comfort of my car, the tears flowed freely.
The realization that the people that I saw (some couples, others by themselves) sitting in the waiting room, were all dealing with similar things hit me and overwhelmed me. There was a family feel to the environment because of the commonness we shared, even though those I saw, I had never met. It is hard to put into words the emotions that were free flowing through me, but they drained me. I came to work in a daze and so far it feels like I am working in a fog. On the outside I look like any other person, my hair is pulled up, my jewelry shines, and my makeup is meticulous. On the inside, I feel caged. I want to scream. I want my husband. I don’t want to be here, I want to be in his arms. I want to comfort him… he is nervous. The waiting is unmistakeably difficult. You can’t know the anxiety and stress it creates until you are in the situation. All those times I tried to comfort friends going through it. I had no idea what was really going on.
The only thing I know to do is get on my knees…. I’m reminded again of a song. The words to “On My Knees” are to the left. Reflect on them, cry to God, know that He is always in control. When there is nothing else to say, noone else to turn to, HE is still God. He is still Faithful. He is still holding you!
Father God, you know what it is we are feeling. You know the heartache and the uncertainty that accompanies each of these appointments. Let us feel your peace as we wait for the test results. Let us remember you know what is best and that your timing is PERFECT. Whatever your will is, prepare us to accept it. Preapare our hearts for what we will hear in the next week. Prepare us, God. We don’t know what is ahead. We give it all to you. ALL of it. EVERY hope, EVERY dream, EVERY heartache. Do with us as you please and forgive us for the times we don’t trust. We love you! In Jesus Name, Amen!
The realization that the people that I saw (some couples, others by themselves) sitting in the waiting room, were all dealing with similar things hit me and overwhelmed me. There was a family feel to the environment because of the commonness we shared, even though those I saw, I had never met. It is hard to put into words the emotions that were free flowing through me, but they drained me. I came to work in a daze and so far it feels like I am working in a fog. On the outside I look like any other person, my hair is pulled up, my jewelry shines, and my makeup is meticulous. On the inside, I feel caged. I want to scream. I want my husband. I don’t want to be here, I want to be in his arms. I want to comfort him… he is nervous. The waiting is unmistakeably difficult. You can’t know the anxiety and stress it creates until you are in the situation. All those times I tried to comfort friends going through it. I had no idea what was really going on.
The only thing I know to do is get on my knees…. I’m reminded again of a song. The words to “On My Knees” are to the left. Reflect on them, cry to God, know that He is always in control. When there is nothing else to say, noone else to turn to, HE is still God. He is still Faithful. He is still holding you!
Father God, you know what it is we are feeling. You know the heartache and the uncertainty that accompanies each of these appointments. Let us feel your peace as we wait for the test results. Let us remember you know what is best and that your timing is PERFECT. Whatever your will is, prepare us to accept it. Preapare our hearts for what we will hear in the next week. Prepare us, God. We don’t know what is ahead. We give it all to you. ALL of it. EVERY hope, EVERY dream, EVERY heartache. Do with us as you please and forgive us for the times we don’t trust. We love you! In Jesus Name, Amen!
10.07.2009
The Fish Bowl of Life
Did/Do you ever feel like you were just a fish in a fish bowl? If you have/do, you are right. We are kinda like the fish in the fish bowl of life. We can’t really see the big picture, we can only see what is right in front of us right now. God is our caretaker. He feeds us each day, cleans our environment, and gives us all that we will ever need. So why is it we sometimes feel like pushing the limits and jumping out of our fish bowl? Maybe because we forget how powerful He is and how weak we are. Perhaps it’s because we think we know better. Or maybe, just maybe, we forget that He really does have our best interest in mind. He isn’t sitting up there on His throne rubbing his hands together with an evil eye and sending trials our way. He is sitting up there lovingly waiting, anticipating the excitement and joy we will find when we put our trust in Him and wait for His perfect timing.
There are times as we travel through the journey of having a family, that we don’t understand why we have to struggle. There is no reason before me now that will explain away the anger and frustration that we feel as we trod down this path of trying to conceive. There are so many questions we could ask. Why doesn’t our insurance cover this procedure? Why don’t all doctors accept all insurances? Why are things taking so long? Why don’t the people who are supposed to be helping us act as if they are interested in our case? Why can’t this be happening to someone else instead of us? Why is it so hard? So many unanswered questions. The truth is, it is happening to others, many others, even in our close group of friends… my sister, my best friend, and two other girlfriends. They are all struggling with the same thing. That is when it hits me. How faithful He is to place in my path other women who are dealing with the same thing. He has placed in my life members of our church who are prayer warriors. People who surround us with love and prayers and a genuine desire to see our family grow.
So, it is with great hope that we not ask “Why” questions, but instead ask “What are we supposed to learn?” or “How can we be used?” The answers. We are learning to trust in Him. We are understanding the meaning of His Perfect Timing, we are pressing on towards the goal, knowing that the end result, baby or not, will outweigh the trials. We still get frustrated, we still get angry, we still feel defeated at times, but each day we are renewed by the fact that we don’t need to see the big picture, He has it under control, and encouraged by the promise, that all things are beautiful in His time. Things may not go our way, but we will still rejoice! Yes, for now, we are happy to sit back and enjoy our little fish bowl of life.
Habakkuk 3:17 “Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”
There are times as we travel through the journey of having a family, that we don’t understand why we have to struggle. There is no reason before me now that will explain away the anger and frustration that we feel as we trod down this path of trying to conceive. There are so many questions we could ask. Why doesn’t our insurance cover this procedure? Why don’t all doctors accept all insurances? Why are things taking so long? Why don’t the people who are supposed to be helping us act as if they are interested in our case? Why can’t this be happening to someone else instead of us? Why is it so hard? So many unanswered questions. The truth is, it is happening to others, many others, even in our close group of friends… my sister, my best friend, and two other girlfriends. They are all struggling with the same thing. That is when it hits me. How faithful He is to place in my path other women who are dealing with the same thing. He has placed in my life members of our church who are prayer warriors. People who surround us with love and prayers and a genuine desire to see our family grow.
So, it is with great hope that we not ask “Why” questions, but instead ask “What are we supposed to learn?” or “How can we be used?” The answers. We are learning to trust in Him. We are understanding the meaning of His Perfect Timing, we are pressing on towards the goal, knowing that the end result, baby or not, will outweigh the trials. We still get frustrated, we still get angry, we still feel defeated at times, but each day we are renewed by the fact that we don’t need to see the big picture, He has it under control, and encouraged by the promise, that all things are beautiful in His time. Things may not go our way, but we will still rejoice! Yes, for now, we are happy to sit back and enjoy our little fish bowl of life.
Habakkuk 3:17 “Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”
10.02.2009
Let the Waters Rise
My husband and I are trying to have a baby. I have PCOS and the likelihood of us having a child without some infertility help is minimal. Since February we have been working with doctors. The beginning was quite frustrating. Our family doctor (Dr. Kitts) was supposed to receive my charts from my previous doctor and read through it before our second appt in June. I arrived at the office in June to find out that he had not only not read my chart, but in fact, he had never received my chart. After fighting with my previous doctor to get my chart (I no longer lived in that town and did not want to drive all the way there, they wanted another signature, they would send it when they got to it, etc., etc… what a nightmare) my mom finally picked it up and we hand delivered it to our family doctor.
I made another appt for a month down the road, so that he had time to read the chart and decide on a plan of attack. Arrived at the office for the 3rd time in July and he, again, had not read the report. He sent me home, feeling disappointed and unsure of what my next move should be. He promised to read it over the weekend and call me on Monday. Two weeks passed and I never heard from him. I finally called, but by this time was pretty ready for a new doctor… someone who actually cared about us and our future family, or at the very least pretended. He returned my call, said he had still not read the chart, but again promised to over the weekend. He called me the following Monday. With PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) diabetes is a concern since there is usually some insulin resistance. He ordered a Glucose Tolerance Test. Relief… we were finally moving forward. It was August by now. I went to the lab the next day for the GTT, and was told the results would be in and I should hear from him within 3-4 days. Again, 2 weeks later, I had to make the call to him. He called back and said all my levels were normal. Cholesterol was a bit elevated, but nothing he was concerned about. He was going to refer me to an OB/GYN friend of his who would do a hysterosalpingogram (HSG, aks the dye test to check for blockages in my tubes). He also wanted my husband to have a complete semen analysis to rule out any problems with him. He did not offer to help us with that, but said the OB/GYN would do that.
Almost 2 wks later I had not heard anything back from him about the referral or from this OB/GYN friend. By then, we had had enough. We decided to call an OB/GYN of our choice and see if we could get an appt with him. I should explain that we were just married in June of 2008 and I moved to his home town, so had not established all my doctors/dentists/hairdresser, etc. The day after I called Dr. Pete and got an appt for the following Thurs, our family doctor called with the referral information and said the appointment had been made for 2 Thursdays later. Not so much, because as soon as I received the paperwork, I called the doctor that Dr. Kitts had referred me to and cancelled my appt. We had decided to go with Dr. Pete. I met Dr. Pete the following Thursday and he was amazing. I explained the whole story even through some tears at one point. I felt that he was genuinely interested in my story and the outcome. That day he prescribed me Provera, to get my cycle that had been non-existent for 2 years, jump started. It worked. 1 week later I had my first period in forever. Now, I know to some women, that is “the curse of all curses”, but to me and to my husband, that was “the blessing of all blessings”. It felt like the first step in our baby quest. I called Dr. Pete as soon as I started so that we could schedule the HSG, dye test. Unfortunately, the hospital was booked solid in the right time frame, so we must wait for my next cycle. Which brings up another thought… will I have a next cycle, or will we need to jumpstart again? In addition to this, Dr. Pete has me on Prenatal Vitamins, because he does with everyone who is TTC. To treat any insulin resistance there might be, which should get me ovulating, I am taking metformin every day.
I at least feel like we are getting somewhere. My husband will go next week sometime to have the semen analysis. We are praying that everything is a-ok where he is concerned. If not, we know God will give us the strength to face whatever the tests say. Please pray for us. We realize this is just the beginning. We don’t know what God has in store, but we are praying for His will, not ours. That is the most heart wrenching prayer a woman could ever possibly pray. To pray God’s Will, knowing very well that prayer is powerful and that His plan is perfect. His plan for our life may not involve children, but we are confident that HE knows best. We would give anything to be parents and we believe that we will be blessed with that opportunity, but if we are not, He will be our strength, He will be our comfort, He will be our fulfillment.
This is turning into a book. There are things that I needed to share, though. I needed to get the facts out. If no one ever reads my blog, my heart has been emptied and there is room for joy in the midst of the battle. I heard a song this morning on my way into work. The words to "Let the Waters Rise" are to the left. They spoke directly to me, because they say exactly what I feel. God, you are awesome, merciful, loving, and faithful. You will never leave, you know what is best, and you are with us through it all. So, let the waters rise!
I made another appt for a month down the road, so that he had time to read the chart and decide on a plan of attack. Arrived at the office for the 3rd time in July and he, again, had not read the report. He sent me home, feeling disappointed and unsure of what my next move should be. He promised to read it over the weekend and call me on Monday. Two weeks passed and I never heard from him. I finally called, but by this time was pretty ready for a new doctor… someone who actually cared about us and our future family, or at the very least pretended. He returned my call, said he had still not read the chart, but again promised to over the weekend. He called me the following Monday. With PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) diabetes is a concern since there is usually some insulin resistance. He ordered a Glucose Tolerance Test. Relief… we were finally moving forward. It was August by now. I went to the lab the next day for the GTT, and was told the results would be in and I should hear from him within 3-4 days. Again, 2 weeks later, I had to make the call to him. He called back and said all my levels were normal. Cholesterol was a bit elevated, but nothing he was concerned about. He was going to refer me to an OB/GYN friend of his who would do a hysterosalpingogram (HSG, aks the dye test to check for blockages in my tubes). He also wanted my husband to have a complete semen analysis to rule out any problems with him. He did not offer to help us with that, but said the OB/GYN would do that.
Almost 2 wks later I had not heard anything back from him about the referral or from this OB/GYN friend. By then, we had had enough. We decided to call an OB/GYN of our choice and see if we could get an appt with him. I should explain that we were just married in June of 2008 and I moved to his home town, so had not established all my doctors/dentists/hairdresser, etc. The day after I called Dr. Pete and got an appt for the following Thurs, our family doctor called with the referral information and said the appointment had been made for 2 Thursdays later. Not so much, because as soon as I received the paperwork, I called the doctor that Dr. Kitts had referred me to and cancelled my appt. We had decided to go with Dr. Pete. I met Dr. Pete the following Thursday and he was amazing. I explained the whole story even through some tears at one point. I felt that he was genuinely interested in my story and the outcome. That day he prescribed me Provera, to get my cycle that had been non-existent for 2 years, jump started. It worked. 1 week later I had my first period in forever. Now, I know to some women, that is “the curse of all curses”, but to me and to my husband, that was “the blessing of all blessings”. It felt like the first step in our baby quest. I called Dr. Pete as soon as I started so that we could schedule the HSG, dye test. Unfortunately, the hospital was booked solid in the right time frame, so we must wait for my next cycle. Which brings up another thought… will I have a next cycle, or will we need to jumpstart again? In addition to this, Dr. Pete has me on Prenatal Vitamins, because he does with everyone who is TTC. To treat any insulin resistance there might be, which should get me ovulating, I am taking metformin every day.
I at least feel like we are getting somewhere. My husband will go next week sometime to have the semen analysis. We are praying that everything is a-ok where he is concerned. If not, we know God will give us the strength to face whatever the tests say. Please pray for us. We realize this is just the beginning. We don’t know what God has in store, but we are praying for His will, not ours. That is the most heart wrenching prayer a woman could ever possibly pray. To pray God’s Will, knowing very well that prayer is powerful and that His plan is perfect. His plan for our life may not involve children, but we are confident that HE knows best. We would give anything to be parents and we believe that we will be blessed with that opportunity, but if we are not, He will be our strength, He will be our comfort, He will be our fulfillment.
This is turning into a book. There are things that I needed to share, though. I needed to get the facts out. If no one ever reads my blog, my heart has been emptied and there is room for joy in the midst of the battle. I heard a song this morning on my way into work. The words to "Let the Waters Rise" are to the left. They spoke directly to me, because they say exactly what I feel. God, you are awesome, merciful, loving, and faithful. You will never leave, you know what is best, and you are with us through it all. So, let the waters rise!
The Power of Words
I am a 29 year old woman, married to the most amazing man to walk this planet. He is my lover, my helpmate, my absolute best friend. The one I cry with and laugh with. The one I vent to and my best listener and encourager. He is my world, in this world. The most amazing words he has ever shared with me came on our first date. You have to know the story to know how those words impacted me. We met through a friend of a friend, and at that it was all online. Our friends weren’t, but our first interactions, actually our first two weeks of conversations, were all through email. We spoke to one another with words painfully honest, openly trusting, and from the heart from day one. I cannot explain to you how either of us felt so comfortable to do such a thing, except that the peace of God filled us from the first email. We knew those first emails were just the beginning. About 2 weeks into the emailing, we wanted to be able to hear one another’s voice. I was already falling in love with this man. It was a true heart love, because we had not spoken of what we looked like, except that I did ask his height since I had this thing about dating people shorter than me. Thankfully, he was 6′2″… I am 5′7″. We talked on the phone that first time for one hour and agreed to meet that weekend for dinner. On the first date, he drove to my house (he lived about an hour and 10 minutes away), we had dinner, then he met my parents. Towards the end of the evening, we got to talking about the anxiety of coming to meet a blind date. He said the most precious words I have ever heard and will not soon forget “I was praying that my eyes would see what my heart already saw.” I guess they did, because after 11 months, we were engaged and within 7 months of that were married.
How powerful those words were. They assured me that I was dealing with someone who was sincere. They reaffirmed that the feelings that were beginning to develop through our emails were genuine. In February, 4 months before we were married, I received another precious set of words. This time engraved on a heart that I wear around my neck. “To the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world.” Tears gather even now as I think about those words.
There are times; however, that words can cause pain. Be careful with your words. You never know how they will hit those who are hearing them. Words are meant to build up not to tear down. Not to make those with wounds, hurt even deeper.
James 3:6-10 It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! (MSG)
Until next time, Peace!
How powerful those words were. They assured me that I was dealing with someone who was sincere. They reaffirmed that the feelings that were beginning to develop through our emails were genuine. In February, 4 months before we were married, I received another precious set of words. This time engraved on a heart that I wear around my neck. “To the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world.” Tears gather even now as I think about those words.
There are times; however, that words can cause pain. Be careful with your words. You never know how they will hit those who are hearing them. Words are meant to build up not to tear down. Not to make those with wounds, hurt even deeper.
James 3:6-10 It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! (MSG)
Until next time, Peace!
10.01.2009
The Beginning
It is my first blog post ever. All those times I thought about starting a blog, I had plenty to say. Now, not so much! It will come to me.
I have titled this blog “Reflections”. If you are reading this, I must have picked an interesting enough title. If not, well, then I still have accomplished my goal. The reflections that you are reading are heart reflections. An opportunity for me to let it all out. A way for me to express what I am feeling without burdening those closest to me. I am not going crazy, I am not depressed, I am; however, beginning a journey and wish to express the emotions, joys, disappointments, and outcome of the journey. Maybe “The Journey” would be a good title for this blog.
At any rate… as this is a way for me to express my thoughts (about our journey, but also random thoughts as well), I am encouraged to know that there are many out there who are or have been on this same journey. There will/ have been, I’m sure, varied outcomes. I am interested in them all. You cannot have good in life without the bad. Isn’t it funny, how we always remember the bad, and we have to think a little harder to remember the good? My reflections will be on both.
Can’t wait to get started and see where the road leads. God is good! He is my guide and His perfect timing will reveal itself! Will I be ready?
I have titled this blog “Reflections”. If you are reading this, I must have picked an interesting enough title. If not, well, then I still have accomplished my goal. The reflections that you are reading are heart reflections. An opportunity for me to let it all out. A way for me to express what I am feeling without burdening those closest to me. I am not going crazy, I am not depressed, I am; however, beginning a journey and wish to express the emotions, joys, disappointments, and outcome of the journey. Maybe “The Journey” would be a good title for this blog.
At any rate… as this is a way for me to express my thoughts (about our journey, but also random thoughts as well), I am encouraged to know that there are many out there who are or have been on this same journey. There will/ have been, I’m sure, varied outcomes. I am interested in them all. You cannot have good in life without the bad. Isn’t it funny, how we always remember the bad, and we have to think a little harder to remember the good? My reflections will be on both.
Can’t wait to get started and see where the road leads. God is good! He is my guide and His perfect timing will reveal itself! Will I be ready?
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