Up, Down, and All-Around

Heath has always loved roller coasters. In fact, as we were spring cleaning the basement this week, we came across some old pictures of him and his brothers and some friends on a roller coaster. You know, those crazy photos you get as they flash your picture while you scream into the camera. It was quite hilarious. At any rate, he has always loved them. I don't know if it's the thrill of zooming up and down and all around or the fact that you feel macho having conquered the coaster, or just plain craziness. Whatever it is, he to this day loves them.

I, on the other hand am quite the opposite. It's not that I've never gotten on a roller coaster, or that I may never again, because I probably will. It's more that I don't get the point of it... I feel just fine with my feet planted on the solid ground where I don't have to anticipate being turned upside down and all around. I remember all too often standing in line, a HUGE long line that took over an hour to get to the front of, only to hop on the roller coaster for a 30 second ride. Seriously! How crazy can you be? And if that isn't enough, occassionally while I stood in line ringing my hands in terrified anticipation and watching the coaster do it's thing, I witnessed a most horrifying thing. The coaster, while zooming over the tracks would come to a complete stop and not where it was supposed to. I remember one time the riders were left hanging upside down for a bit of time, not too long, but if I had been on that ride, one second suspended upside down would be too long. This only served to terrify me more, yet I plodded on trusting the friend or family member that pressed me forward. I'm happy to report that I NEVER have gotten stuck on a roller coaster, upside down or otherwise... but as they say there's a first time for everything...

Life is kind of like that... this roller coaster of ups and downs and all arounds. We wait in line, it seems, for the chance to ride the coaster of dating. Once we get off the dating coaster, we rush to the next coolest coaster with even more loops and turns and we hop on the coaster of life called Marriage. Then, if all goes as planned, you join the ranks of those waiting in line for Babies, soon to be followed by the Parents Coaster. And that's where our journey has taken us. No, we haven't quite reached the Parents line, but it will come.

We spent a long while on the dating roller coaster...years actually. Never really finding that one that we wanted to take with us onto the Marriage coaster. Until we met one another, that is... and within a few months we knew that we were going to make the move from that Dating Coaster to the Marriage Coaster. It didn't happen right away, but within a year and a half we were on the Marriage Coaster. I'm very pleased to report that as much as other's told us the first year would be the hardest... it really wasn't. The roller coaster of the first year of marriage was more like a Lazy River than a roller coaster. Really, it still is... except that we hopped on the roller coaster of Infertility. I'm not trying to brag...just when Heath and I look at our marriage, it's been easy. Easy to love one another, easy to agree with one another, easy to keep pressing on... I think it has something to do with our age. But then that seems backward to me too, because we were 28 and 36 when we got married so we should have been more set in our ways... but the adjustment didn't seem like an adjustment at all, but very natural. Maybe it was our age, after all, we had the privilege of watching several marriages and the opportunity to watch what worked and didn't work.

At any rate the Infertility roller coaster is where we are... where we may stay for a while. This is the one that's really throwing us for a loop... really making us question who we are, where our faith lies, and just how much we can stand. It continues to throw us from side to side, up and down, and all around as we wait. We stand in line again and again. Occassionally we see people exit on the other side... the exit that leads to parenthood. But mostly, we see people exit the roller coaster only to wait in line for it once more. The thing about this roller coaster is that it's a "not by choice" roller coaster. Every other roller coaster in life, a person gets to choose... who you will date, who you will marry, a path to a new career... those are things you choose.. Noone has EVER chosen infertility! And yet some of us end up there. If you've ever spent a day at Cedar Point or Great America, you know that after a day of riding roller coasters, you are quite worn out and exhausted, maybe feeling a little bit green. Imagine you were "not by choice" condemned to riding those coasters for 2 years straight... I'd imagine most of us might not survive that. We wouldn't be able to gain nutrition, have any rest, take in liquids, or do any of the things your body needs to do to regain it's strength.

Unfortunately, after 2+ years on the Infertility Roller Coaster, we need a break. We need some recoop time, some time to take in nutrition, have a rest, get our feet firmly rooted on solid ground again. After a month of negative ovulation tests, negative pregnancy test, and hope beyond all hope... we see no signs of pregnancy or ovulation. While that could be very disheartening and it is, we're also ok. We aren't giving up, we just need a time out. In 31 days we are headed to FL for a couple of weeks. We are counting the days and so ready to just kick back and focus on life, our marriage, our family, our friends, and not have to worry about baby stuff for a little bit. Not that we won't think about it... it's always there, that ache for a baby of our own to hold. But it's time to just breathe. Then when we have caught our breath from all the ups, downs, loops, and turns, we will hop back on again and press forward. I'm not sure how many posts I will have between now and then... but please pray with us that God will show his power in our lives and bodies and bring us closer to Him during this "breathe" session.

The Thing about Infertility

It goes without saying that the journey down the road of infertility is hard. The ups and downs are constant. Sometimes the downs last only minutes and other times they last longer and go deeper than any of the joys you can highlight from the journey. I often commented that I don't know how a person gets through something this personal and emotional without the Love and hope of the Father... and at the same time, a believer may have a more difficult time. You see, Satan, doesn't really care about those that don't put their trust in the One True God. He'd rather spend his time working on the one's that do put their trust in the One True God. That's when those down times become even more potent and painful... because as much as you want to get back up and try again, Satan kicks you when your down. He begins talking and sometimes we begin listening and before we know what's hit us, we are in a deep pit of downness (new word!). A pit that doesn't even allow you to see the light of day and the little joys of life. Instead you begin this self pity party, you become jealous of anything and everything that everyone else seems to have that you don't, you spend your time thinking about what you don't have instead of what you do have, and before you know it, your life and the life of those closest to you is miserable.

I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.

I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.

For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...

Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)

Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!

With Power from My God,
Lisa


The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....

Change in Plans...

It is amazing to me how God works when we least expect it. Not that we expect Him not to work, but a lot of times, I think we get caught up in the factual elements of our situation and forget that God is far from only factual... He doesn't need big bank accounts or medicine deposits or endorsements from well-knowns to accomplish His purpose in our lives. No, all He needs is a person willing and ready to be used by Him in a powerful way.

It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.

I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.

Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.

I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!

I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.

We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.

We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!

Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!

I have thought about and started this blog many times. So many words have passed through my mind, I'm not sure what ones I should actually use. Not sure what ones are the important ones to post. I know this, God is speaking to me lately and I need to share with you just how.

Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.

We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.

We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.

It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.

The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.

I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"

Seize Every Opportunity

It's funny the things people say to you about babies. I'm not talking about the ones that tell you about how "your time will come" and "the prize is well worth the wait" and all the other cliches that we, as a couple struggling through infertility, come to despise. We smile, nod our heads in agreement, and move on. No, I'm talking about the comments people make when you actually do have a baby in your arms. Granted, it may not be your own like in our case, but still... the things people say are funny.

A couple of days ago I took our neighbor's 3 month old, that I care for regularly, out to Walmart. My plan was to scoot in while she was happy and get a few things and exchange Heath's shirts for the correct size. Heath was with me but had gone to look for a couple of things while I stood in line at the Customer Service counter. Baby decided it was time to eat, so I stood holding her bottle while we waited. A couple, probably older than us, came up behind me. By that time the baby had finished eating and was smiling away at me as I clicked my tongue at her. So precious! I found the couple behind me smiling intently at us. They asked how old she was "3 months" I replied. They commented "You are very lucky to have a little girl, and a smiling one at that." As I've done with my niece when I was out and about with her, I didn't claim her as my own, but didn't tell them she wasn't mine either. I wasn't being weird or anything, just sometimes it's not best to have to go into detail about why you have this child that's not yours... Anyway, all I said to their comment was "Yes, thanks!" But I kinda got caught up in their eyes... they seemed full of pain and desire. Somewhat like I think mine look when I see/think about babies. As I am typing this I feel so badly that I didn't speak up, explain that she was not mine, and then share with them that we also are struggling with empty arms. Share with them some kind of hope. Maybe give them a smile and let them know that they are not alone in their journey. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I do agree. Afterwards as I was relaying the story to Heath, I could think of all kinds of things to say... just in the moment, my brain was blank. I don't know for sure what their situation is, but I know this... I may have missed an opportunity to reach out to a hurting soul. Whether they were aching from the fact that they don'thave children or aching from the loss of a child... I wish I could turn back time and comfort them in some way.

Yesterday I took a trip to the movie store to pick up a couple of our freebies for the month. While I was there, Aurelia (the neighbor's baby), was quietly cooing in her carseat. It's funny cause there were only 3 people in the store besides the workers. Aurelia, myself, and this teddy bear of a black man with a cigar sticking out of his mouth. I secretly love the smell of cigar smoke. While he was not smoking it, the scent clung to his clothes and wafted behind him as he walked. For some odd reason, we continued to run into each other, even as big as the store is. So, I was not surprised at all when he ended up in line behind me. He began to talk to me as I was checking out and commented on Aurelia. "That's some handsome baby you have there" he said. I smiled and said "Thank you!" He said, "Wait, is that your baby?" I didn't hear him at first because I was talking to the cashier, so he repeated "Is that your child?" "No," I responded "It's our neighbor baby that I'm babysitting". "Well you make sure you take her back to her mama, then." It kind of made me chuckle... this complete stranger was reminding me that the baby wasn't mine and I needed to return her. He said it again as I was walking out the door. "You take her back, now, ya hear!" "I will!" I promised.

You see, it doesn't matter who you run into when you have a baby, they always have something to say. And it doesn't matter who you run into when you're trying to have a baby, they always have some piece of advice. The question is, How do you respond? Do you smile, nod your head, and move on? Or do you seize every opportunity to reach out to the hurting soul and be an example of Christ amidst your own hurt?

Some may say that my brutal honesty on this blog is a little offensive. Others may think that it's too personal of a situation to be sharing with the cyber world. They may think it's not Biblical to air my dirty laundry for the whole world to see. But let me assure you that, to me, it is a means for me to seize the opportunity each time I post to reach out to another hurting soul. It's an opportunity for me to share my faith in the midst of this huge roller coaster of infertility and a way for me to challenge others to build their faith! Praise God, for giving me the words to share that may in some way, shape, or form reach another person for Christ!

Praying for Direction

We attended the Fertility Seminar at the Fertility Center with Dr. Dodds on the 13th of this month. We left so excited, feeling good and like we were headed in the right direction. The information we received was abundant, but very good. It seems as though Dr. Pete has taken us through all of the pre-liminary steps that Dr. Dodds would do for a new patient. That's encouraging, because when/if we do move on to The Fertility Center, we will be able to start in soon with treatments that will hopefully work. Dr. Dodds seems to have a lot of experience with PCOS and Endometriosis and their pregnancy rate is the highest in the country.

We though we had overcome the insurance issue. Not too long ago, the Fertility Center added a 3rd doctor to their practice. He happened to be an in-network provided, unfortunately not through the Fertility Center, but with his other practices. Adter several conversations with the insurance company, they assured me that if my Primary Care Physician would refer us to the new doctor, that would be authorization for coverage even if we didn't end up seeing Dr. Leach each time beacause of the time-sensitive nature of infertility.

As I waited for my Dr. to call with the referral appt and such, I felt uneasy... unwilling to believe that what the insurance company said on that specific day, was actually going to pan out. I feel like I tread lightly and every time I call them, I get a different answer... one time it will be good news, the next they dash my hopes. This time was no different. I called once again to confirm the appts and the coverage. No such blessing! There is absolutely no way for us to see Dr. Leach, Dodds, or Young at the Fertility Center and receive coverage. The only way would be if there were no other specialist in the area. Unfortunately, Dr. Daly, whom we have not heard great things about is the only in-network Fertility Specialist in the area. They told me, he's your only option. If he's my only option, how is that an option... if we have no other choice?

I get so angry! I'm angry that I can't give my husband the family he desires. I'm angry that insurance companies are completely ridiculous with all their regulations and hoops to jump through. I'm angry because our options don't even seem like options, but instead impossibilities. Yes, we are blessed that we have 50% coverage for fertility treatments, but at what cost? We are forced to see impersonal, insensitive doctors because that's all that the insurance company will pay for.

In my moment of tears and weakness (a very long one, I might add) I did a request online for insurance coverage. I guess my thought, crazy as it might be, was that maybe we could get insurance that had more options for doctors. Moments later I was ambushed (ha!) with numerous calls and emails from insurance agents. Stupid me! Did you know that most individual insurance companies will deny you because of infertility AND they are doing away with Maternity coverage too. I don't understand... this world we live in... the insurance companies will cover a woman killing her innocent baby, but refuses to even allow healthcare for expectant mothers or those that desire to have a family. As much as it hurts my heart, I imagine it is so much more painful for our Father who created life.

I know this seems like a complaining post.. perhaps it is.. if you are or have ever struggled with infertility, then you know the pain things like this cause. You know the struggles that we face each day and the ache that settles in your heart and dictates how you respond to things of these nature.

Yet again, we are unsure where we are headed. Do we go to the Fertility Center, not covered, and step out in faith? We feel like the Center is a very promising place. Do we ignore what our heart is saying and see Dr. Daly? Do we forget the dream of having biological children and check out adoption? And if we do... any of these, where is the money coming from? I know that at The Fertility Center, they often have donated medicines and procedures that they write off, so do we trust that that is where God wants us and press on? How do we know where God wants us? I feel so positive about The Fertility Center, but what does that mean? Am I just scared to face Dr. Daly and his poor bedside manner? And, if God can proved 50%of the money for us to see Dr. Daly, then he get provide 100% to see Dr. Dodds.

Father, so many things going through our minds and settling on our hearts. Lord, you know our desires. YOu know the BEST path for us. Please make our path clear. Show us exactly what you have planned and help us to trust in you no matter the difficulty. We know you know Best and we want what your will is for our lives. Keep us strong, let our love continue to grow, give us direction...

Rollercoaster ups and downs

It was by no accident that I jumped in the car at exactly 10am this morning to head out to my follicle scan. For at just that time, the song on the radio was saying the exact words I needed to hear "I am here, I am here, you will make it through this..."

I have learned that this fertility journey is a roller coaster of a ride. You feel down and discouraged, then all of a sudden things start moving and you feel hope again, only to be followed by another dashed dream and low spot in your life. And sometimes if you're not so lucky, you even get loopdy loops that turn you complete upside down... the difference with the roller coaster and actual life is that if you do a loop on a rollercoaster, it always brings you out of it and sets your feet on solid ground. Life on the other hand sometimes tips you upside down and you are left with pieces, not dry ground.

I feel overwhelmed with the results of the follicle scan today. There were no follicles over 1cm... that means that the Clomid still is not doing the trick. A part of me is ready to say ENOUGH... but then my dream is completely shattered. Then I may never have a child to call my own... and frankly I can't bear to continue pouring myself into everyone elses without hope for my own. It hurts too much when I have to face the facts that they are not mine. Dr. Pete wants to see me again and for the second time now has said he may need to refer us to a specialist. That breaks my heart... we do not have the money for that. I don't know what we will do. We are not in an easy situation. I have doubts that if we do nothing, my body will ever produce mature eggs and ovulate on it's own. It's just not likely to happen with PCOS and ENDO. On the other hand, we are not financially in a position where we can start looking at adoption or considering a specialist. I just don't know... I know that to God money is no issue, so do we step out in faith knowing that He'll close the door if it's not where He wants us... or is this a closed door?

We have a Fertility Seminar at The Fertility Center in Grand Rapids this Thursday. We are looking forward to it and learning more about the center. We also, by attending, will get a free consultation with the doctors. That will save us $232 and they will be able to give us an idea of what kind of procedures and fees we are looking at which will also help us determine what we can and cannot afford to do.

Our hearts hurt. I feel it deep down in my soul... the sorrow of empty arms... the sorrow of not knowing what is planned for our lives and whether we will ever get to hold our precious baby! I had a dream the other night... we finally had our little girl. SHe was adorable with her daddy's eyes and nose and with my smile. I woke up just sad... I don't like waking up from those dreams... I want them to be real. I can still see her sweet face and I can't help but wonder if this dream of ours will ever be a reality. At any rate, we have no choice but to continue on.... on this roller coaster of life known as Infertility.

May God Speak Today and Everyday!

Merry Christmas to all my dear friends and fellow couples struggling with infertility. It goes without saying that the Holiday's hold a certain sadness when your arms are empty. My sweet friends, I feel your pain... at the same time, Christmas is about giving and promises kept and that is what we must focus on. We must consciously give of ourselves to others. We must put on the smile and enjoy our family and share in the Christmas spirit. Odd isn't it, that the reason we are able to be here celebrating Christmas is because of a baby born so long ago. A baby... what we think of as the source of our pain right now, is really the source of our LIFE, joy, everlasting love, arms that are always around us, strength that comes only from that SON, and a knowledge that ALL IS WELL!

Yes, it is hard for me to type this. Yes, I want to just go to bed and not have to face all the pregnant bellies, birth talks, "what my baby is doing" braggings. But, for no other reason than to remember HIS birth and HIS promise of returning, I will press on. I will endure those talks, I will cuddle with my nieces and nephews, I will ENJOY Christmas with my family and friends. Yes, I have to make a conscious effort to remember these things, because I haven't forgotten the battle we have been fighting for close to 2 years. Yes, there will likely be tears; however I will strive to remember the real reason for Christmas.. which is not about me, but about HIM!

I have been hearing from God quite often lately. I suspect it is partly because of last weeks church service... I can't tell you what the name of the message was or all the bullet points, but I can tell you what God spoke to me. For the last 2 years I have been faithful in reading through my Bible during the course of the year. I get out my sheet of paper that list all the passages for each day, I read them, and I check them off my list. Sometimes I actually hear what I read, but a lot of times I was finding myself checking off the list and moving on with my day, not really letting HIS WORD sink in. I would get up in the morning, hurry out to the living room, read my passage, check it off, and turn on a movie that I had been thinking about watching or fix up a breakfast that sounded good. Hardly ever did I take time to consider what I had read and how it applied to my life. Last Sunday; however, something changed in me when I heard the message. Pastor talked about what Christmas could teach us about the Bible... it teaches us it is TRUTH. The one things that Pastor said that stuck out to me was that we needed to spend time in His word AND let it sink in, let it change us, let it renew our spirits. This week I have done that and I can tell an immediate difference in me being able to hear what God is speaking to me. He doesn't speak strictly through His word, but He has used other people, books, and songs to speak to me this week. I'm sure He has never stopped speaking to me, it's just that I was too wrapped up in ME to listen to what HE had to say. Oh Father, please forgive me for putting myself before YOU... the one who sent His Son so long ago, a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, to be my source of life. If I focus on any baby this season, please let it be Your Son!

There are things I've always known to be true that God has reminded me of this week. The one that I'm putting into practice this Holiday season is letting Joy find it's place in my life. The Bible says " Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith will develop patience." And so, I will choose to consider it JOY... the PURE JOY will have to come from only HIM. Even the JOY we sometimes need help with, because our own human selves have a hard time taking our eyes off our own troubles and finding joy in the midst of the sorrow.

Emotions Running Close to the Surface

We have had an emotional few days. It all started on Sunday with our Pastor's sermon... The Expectancy of Christmas. The sermon was about the fact that we so often get wrapped up in the point of Christmas being the birth of Jesus, that we forget that it is actually just the beginning. In bringing His son to the earth, God was fulfilling the prophesies and the promises... the expectancy of Christmas is not the birth of Jesus, but the fact that God fulfilled what was told and He will do so again at His second coming.

The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!

Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!

Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.

The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!

We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.

A few things I'm pondering...

We are at my parents spending the night so that we can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with them this afternoon. Since we were in town and Nikki was busy, we took our 5 mo old niece, Mackenna for the night. Isabelle tagged along so we have both of our Hastings nieces with us. So fun!

It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.

Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..

I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.

Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.

Back to Square One

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. In fact, today was one of those days. We felt so hopeful going into our ultra/sound, but alas, the hope was for naught, because our potential babies were back down to less than 1cm.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.

I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.

Finally Feeling Encouraged

We had our ultrasound yesterday... actually to be medically correct it was a Follicle Study to determine if the Clomid is triggering follicle growth or not. Last month, when I was on 100mg, there was no growth. There were several cysts that were under 1cm in diameter. They likely were just the symptoms of PCOS.

This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!

The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.

Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!

My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

Why Worry, When You Can Pray?!?

I just finished watching the movie "Julie and Julia" for probably the fifth time. I LOVE that movie and it never ceases to inspire me to blog. Today, it reminded me that I have not blogged in a while and that I had a few things that I wanted to share.

We are still on our journey to having a family. It's growing long and tedious. There are some days where I barely think about my empty arms, then there are days when it's all I can think about. There are moments when I'm out and about and I cross the baby section in a store and I love to stop and look and dream, then there are days where when I come across the baby section I want to run to the nearest hole and cry out to God for mercy. There are some days where I feel like we are doing just fine just the two of us, but then sometimes when I don't think we can place one foot in front of the other because of the burden we carry. We are fine. If there never is a child we can call our own, we are still fine.

I find sometimes that when I think about it my fear comes from the fact that I may never be a mother and Heath may never be a father. But then, if I'm completely honest, sometimes my fear comes because I don't want to be "that couple that couldn't have babies". I don't want people to look back over our marriage and our lives and see that all we ever fought for was a baby and we never got it. Instead, I want people to look at our marriage and see Christ as the centerpoint. I want them to look at our journey and not see what we did or did not accomplish, but what we learned and how we grew through the experience.

Life is all about experiences. Every day is a new one. Each moment is a chance to experience life to it's fullest. We have learned that the only way to do that is to crawl up on God's lap, curl up in His arms, and bask in His love and mercy. If you are reading this blog and you are also on a journey to have a family or any other journey for that matter, please know that you will only be satisfied when you allow Christ to fill you. There is no child, no coveted job, no amount of success that will fulfill your desires. You, on your own, will always want more. But when we grow in our faith and learn about our Heavenly Father, that's when we are completely satisfied, even if we never accomplish those things we wish for.

Next week we will go for a second ultrasound. This time to see if the 150mg of Clomid did the trick or not. I haven't experienced any increased side effects, which makes me doubtful. It could be that nothings working, or it could be just that we gradually increased and for that reason I don't have to suffer the side effects. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I will admit, I'm feeling doubtful! I'm reminded of a song I learned as a child!

"Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.
Don't be a doubting Thomas,
Trust fully in His promise.
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can PRAY?"

Updates!

I feel like I did better this time at Dr. Pete's office. I didn't cry while I was talking with him (which is a first time in 9 months) and sitting in the waiting room was tolerable this time. It might be that the time of day cut down on the number of expectant mothers I had to be face to face with. Or maybe it was just God smiling down on me knowing that I was not prepared to deal with that. Either way, I know the strength came from my Savior.

Despite the strength, I did still feel nervous as I do each time, but as I think about that, I know that, that is something I must work on. There is no need to be nervous... if my strength, my hope, my future rests in the very capable loving hands of my Father, then I must only think positively and trust wholeheartedly.

Once I got into the consult room, I sat praying for strength and a calm heart. I felt the Lord's presence strongly in the room. Even as I prayed the paper that doctor's office use on the exam tables made a crinkling noise across the room. I looked up from the spot on the floor that I was staring at and began to stare at the table. I know it seems like a strange occurrence and I'm pretty sure that it was moved by the air flowing from the vent, but I believe that God used that as a very real example that He was indeed with me and not just in thought, but actually sitting next to me in the room, holding my hand.

This appt had a distinct different feel to it. It's not that we are headed in any big different direction, we're actually repeating everything just with a higher dosage of Clomid, but for whatever reason it felt different sitting there talking with Dr. Pete. After thinking over it, I believe it is because I feel like we are getting a better handle on things. No I'm not ovulating, No we don't really know why, No I'm not pregnant, but we are on our way to finding these things out. In a perfect world, Dr. Pete would have all the answers and be able to know exactly what would work and what would not, but it's not a perfect world, so I have to be content in the waiting. I feel confidently that although the waiting is very difficult, all of this "wasted time" (as we sometimes think of it) is not wasted at all because it's all a part of His perfect plan. Thinking that it's wasted is just a reason for me to feel down and out, but it's not wasted. No day living for Christ and serving Him and His people through our struggles is ever wasted.

I had a chance to chat for a few moments with a close friend of the family today. A sweet, very Godly lady who was so encouraging to me. I'm so thankful for people that God has placed in my life not just right now through our struggles, but from the beginning of my life the people he faithfully placed, knowing what I would need and who could provide it at such a time as this. God, you are so good... all the time, ALL the time!

I know you've read this whole post wondering what Dr. Pete said. I apologize for making you read so much before getting down to the nitty gritty, but I don't want this blog to just be a place where I air all of the details and leave it at that. I want this to be a place where people learn more about God and His character through my life and our struggles and joys. I keep thinking on the fact that there is no good reason why Heath and I would need to endure the pain of infertility except for the distinct privilege of reaching people with our story. And so, occasionally, I feel it's necessary to really share the nitty gritty of our feelings and experiences and observations, before I get to the nitty gritty of our medical prognosis.

At any rate... Dr. Pete feels that we are really fighting the PCOS. He believes that may be the biggest reason why my body is not responding so well to the Clomid @ 50mg and 100mg. The ultrasound revealed multiple cysts on both ovaries, which could be follicles that are not maturing or just the effects of the PCOS. That's an unknown. After my cycle starts (either on it's own or induced with Provera), I will take 150mg of Clomid for days 3-7. I'm nervous about that... not sure what that amount of Clomid will do to me. Please pray with us that the side effects will not be too unpleasant. On top of that, because Dr. Pete feels like my stress was much lower after the u/s (because we knew what was going on and weren't just guessing), we will be doing another u/s on day 15 of my cycle. The results of that will determine where we go next.

Until then, the only thing I can do is pray that the Lord would continue to strengthen us and surround us with friends and family who love and pray for us. Can't wait to see what this next cycle holds!

The Power of Prayer

Last week was such a tough week to say the least. I had an ultrasound with results that were not what we had hoped for. We received notification from our insurance company (again) that they wanted us to pay 50% of the cost for the procedure I had back in December. Yes, 9 months ago. A procedure that they approved ahead of time and already paid in full. And overall, I came through the week feeling very emotional and drained for obvious reasons.

I was feeling very hesitant yesterday about singing in church. It was my first time since February. I was on a sort of sabbatical, I guess you could say. After my surgery in February I was taking a short break, but it turned out to be much longer as our struggles with infertility became more involved and stressful. I just began singing again... just feeling like I was getting to a point where I could sing, really mean the words I sang, and not cry through each song. After warming up, I felt even more hesitant to sing. Not that the warm up did not go well, it was more about me. I was feeling low and out of place and I can't even explain why except that I think the Devil was trying to get to me. After talking with Heath, shedding a few tears, and taking deep breaths, I began to pray that the Lord would give me strength and that He would open my heart to what I could learn from His word.

I believe God was trying to teach me about His faithfulness even in the midst of our circumstances. As I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" I realized that as many times as I had sang that song before, I'm not sure I ever thought about the words or pondered what they meant. Sunday; however, though noone sat down and explained the words to me, my eyes were opened, my heart in tune, and I finally understood. It's not that I didn't know He was faithful... our life is a living testimony of His faithfulness; but I know that in singing that song before I didn't really think about what it was saying about His faithfulness. "There is no shadow of turning with thee"..I never really understood until this weekend what that meant. God is unchanging, immovable, He is right where we need Him, and He doesn't turn from one side to the other.... there is no shadow from His turning away. That really hit me!

The message was about knowing who God is. Obviously one of his attributes is Faithfulness. Pastor Kevin shared with us a verse that I claim as my own. 2 Timothy 2:13 "When we are faithless, He remains faithful, because He cannot deny Himself." He can't be unfaithful, because He is faithfulness. Does that make sense? I don't know a better way to express it. But I am encouraged, because even when I am unfaithful, wavering in my trust, He is still faithfully working in my life.

I think our small group is possibly the most amazing group of people I know. Last night after Heath and I tearfully shared about our week and our struggles, they gathered around us and prayed for us. The power of Prayer is quite amazing. With their hands on us and their words of encouragement surrounding us, we felt the peace of God. It didn't matter that we had just come through a very tough week, or that the week ahead was unsure... the only thing that mattered was the feeling of God's people, our small group family, loving us enough to gather around and speak to God with words that we were unable to express. It was amazing... something I've seen in other people's lives, but never experienced myself.

Thank you, Father, for the power of prayer. Thank you for sending your peace through the words of our friends and family. Thank you for showing us your faithfulness in our every day lives when often we are faithless, for providing exactly what we need at just the right time, and for your strength to press on in the trials.

I'm struggling with words here... I know what I'm feeling, but I don't know how to speak.

I had an ultrasound yesterday. A follicle study, to be exact. The reason: to find out if my body is producing but not releasing matured eggs; or if my body is not producing matured eggs. I went into the ultrasound rather apprehensive. I was feeling like the results wouldn't be good, that there would be no eggs, but I was also feeling hopeful that the results would be good. I got there early and I sat in my truck, praying that God would calm my heart, that I wouldn't cry, and that I would accept the results.

I am so thankful. God did answer prayer and also worked some things out that were unknown to me. For instance, Dr. Pete was at a medical conference, but the U/S tech was very professional and caring and I was glad she was there. In a normal every day U/S room, the technician can give no results to the patient. Instead they send the info to the doctor and they read the results. Which in this time crunch (because we need to be able to know when I'm ovulating so we can time things appropriately) is kind of important. God knew all along that Dr. Pete was going to be at a conference until Monday. After almost tearfully (but not, so another answered prayer) explaingin the situation to the technician,she talked with one of the other doctors on staff and was able to give me some results. I did not cry in front of the office staff, but my face must have been extremely readable (I was very close to crying), so the sweet tech pushed me to the front of the line so I was able to get done more quickly.

The results: There were multiple follicles on both ovaries, which is good, but they were only 1mm in size and should have measured closer to 11-12 or so in order to be 15-17 in 3 days. So... that means, all along, as we feared, the Clomid has not been working. I don't know what is ahead. I will meet with Dr. Pete again next week to go over the results and see where we go from here. It could be that we adjust the dosage of Clomid. It could be that we try a different drug.

Until then, I am thinking and praying....Feeling quite down.

Content With Circumstances

Wow! Chapter 2 of this book really hit home. I think that means that I'm on the right track and that there is a reason, I chose this book of the many I could have chosen. I believe God knew exactly what I needed to read.

Dillow starts out by giving this elaborate exciting information about her life in Hong Kong. She lists all the exciting things and things she loved about it. The next paragraph is the flip side...all the reasons why she didn't love Hong Kong. It's very easy to see how the Prescription for Contentment that I mentioned in my last post play into her Hong Kong experience. Each day she had a choice to think positively about her life there or to think negatively.

I suppose that is true in our lives as well. Not just with where we live, but with how we live and what our circumstances are. For us, the biggest circumstance that we are facing is our struggle with infertility. It's not something we chose or would ever wish to choose, but it is ours. I want to be positive, but let's face it, there doesn't seem to be many positive things to say about suffering through the many doctors appts, tests, negative tests, etc.

It takes practice. Contentment.. positive versus negative thinking is not something that's going to happen overnight. There are four things that Dillow suggests we can do to practice contentment.

1) Choose to give our anxieties to God. To me, that means all my fears about the future and what it may or may not hold I need to consciously choose to give them to Him.

2) Choose to pray specifically. I used to think that since God knows all things, I could just speak to him generally about my desires. Bottom line though, is that He wants us to speak to him specifically. He is our father and there's nothing He wants more than to have us share our deepest desires with him.

3) Choose to be thankful. Regardless of what I have or don't have... I have so much to be thankful for. He has given me life. Yes, I may have struggles, but take heart, he has overcome them! (John 16:33)

4) Choose to dwell on the positive. Enough said... ALWAYS be positive, NEVER allow yourself to complain about ANYTHING! I'm gonna need God's strength for that one!


You may think of this as a pretty boring post. There are no nitty gritty details about our next test, ultrasound, meds update, etc. What you read instead is something that I am be challenged with. God has allowed us to join the ranks of the infertile. It would be very, very easy to look at it as a curse, and I will admit there are days that I do. In this moment, though, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for God allowing us to bear the burden, because through the struggle, I am growing more and more in love with my Savior. Through the struggle I am learning more and more about what it means to be a Christian inside and out. And through the struggle, I am falling more and more in love with my Husband... the one I laugh with, live for, love!

Praise God, Praise God, Praise God... for His perfect plan for our lives!

Contentment 101

A while back my Facebook (yes, I'm one of those) status read " I've decided God is trying to teach me contentment. I don't want a baby... what I want, what I need is contentment. Because if I'm not content with Him now, even when He blesses us with a child, I will be discontent in something else. I'm praying that I learn to be content, no matter where I am or what I'm doing."

Well, the time has come. I found a deal at Parable on a book for next to nothing about Contentment. It's called "A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment. Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I've never read or heard of her before, but I've started reading this book and I think what she has to say is quite relevant to any woman's life. I have decided that it would be good for me to post what I'm learning in hopes of helping someone else find contentment as well. Although, I don't think it's something that is simply hiding away and we have to find it... I think contentment is something we learn.

Chapter 1- My Journey to Contentment
I've learned that contentment is something that is hard to learn. It is a daily conscious effort to think positively rather than negatively. Before beginning this book, I always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. After thinking through some of the examples that Dillow gives, though, I would say I'm not as positive as I should be. In fact, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking negatively about something. Right now, for instance, I am thinking "I wish Jessi would be content (ha, ha, I'm wishing contentment even for her) for just a little bit longer so I could finish this post." That could be seen as negative... instead should be thankful that she has done as well as she has today and enjoying every second I have to spend with her.

Dillow suggests a prescription for contentment compiled into 5 little steps. Obviously many more could be added, but I think that this covers the general idea for all those specifics.

1) Never allow yourself to complain about anything... not even the weather.

2) Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.

3) Never compare your lot with another's.

4) Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.

5) Never dwell on tomorrow... remember that (tomorrow) is God's not ours.

I guess that pretty well wraps it up, huh? I've adapted my own personal prescription for contentment based on what I struggle with daily..

1) Never allow myself to complain about anything... not even being so busy sometimes I can barely breathe.

2) Never picture myself as a fertile woman instead of an infertile woman. Or picture my life if I were still living closer to my family instead of miles away where I sometimes feel forgotten.

3) Never look at all those pregnant bellies and think for one minute about how they do or do not deserve the miracle they are experiencing.

4)Never wish that we had been able to get pregnant right away. God has a plan for His timing and it is perfect... what's best for us.

5)Never worry about what will or will not happen in the future. The future is in God's hands and He has an awesome plan for us. Family or not!

My goal over the next few weeks as I read through this book is to claim all of these as my own. To not just post them for the world to see, but to actually start living by them. I know that only then, when I take my mind off the negative and onto the positive will I be content.

Moving Forward

In February I had laproscopic surgery done after which Dr. Pete diagnosed both PCOS and Stage 2 Endometriosis. Now, 7 months later I finally feel like we might be moving forward. Yes, it took 7 months. It seems like longer to us, though. Since February we have been counting cycle days, tracking ovulation (which as of yet has not occurred), reading Negative Pregnancy test, and all in all finding ourselves wrapped up in the middle of fertily treatments month after month. Basically those treatments have involved me taking meds just to get my cycle going, so that I can take the Clomid that should get me ovulating. Unfortunately, PCOS and Endo cause the irregularity in my cycles, hence the use of meds to get me going. The hope was that my body would jump in after a couple of cycles on it's own. 7 months later and that has still not happened. It's more than a little bit frustrating, but at the same time I realize that God's timing is still perfect and all of this is part of his plan... the big picture that only He can see.

Thursday was our 3 month check up with Dr. Pete. The one where we go in to let him know how things have gone. This time, Heath didn't go with me. Mostly, I thought it was pointless for him to go with me for a 15 minute appt where Dr. Pete asks how things went, I tell him about the hot flashes, the little bit of pain, the Negative ovulation tests, the negative pregnancy test, and the lack of my cycle starting on its own. I went to the office planning on asking about what we could do to at least make me feel like we were moving forward. Having friends who have been through these stages of infertility, I knew that we needed to pin down whether the Clomid was doing anything. I had questions about where my hormone levels were and what we could do to get things moving. I think more than anything, I am really feeling like we've just been wasting the last 7 months. Before you get too excited, I also realize that our time as just the two of us is never, NEVER a waste. A year ago, I just thought we would be well on our way to having a family by now; however, God has a different plan and I'm ok with that.

Thankfully, Dr. Pete is an amazing doctor and could sense, I think, my frustration at another three months of meds that we don't know are working. Instead we are only doing 1 month of Clomid, this time around. 100 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle and then around day 16 or so, I will go in for an ultrasound that will determine if the Clomid is persuading any eggs to mature. We know that my body is not releasing them, but this will tell us whether it is producing mature eggs. If so, then I will take an HCG shot which will force my body to release the mature egg(s) and increase our chances of getting pregnant. If not, I don't know whether our next step is an increase in Clomid or what... I guess that's something we will decide when we get to it.

I feel hopeful... I don't know if it's hope that we will get pregnant this month, or just hope that comes from knowing that we are moving forward and thus one step closer to holding our baby. At any rate, after months of feeling like we were going nowhere, it feels good to know that we are going somewhere good soon. We are finally MOVING FORWARD!

Waiting Room

It seems like no matter what I do, God is always speaking to me. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong... but if I am completely honest, sometimes I just want to be left to wallow in my worry and sadness.

I am grateful; however, that our God knows exactly what I need and when... He knows that it profits nothing to wallow in my self pity and worry and sadness. He knows that it's not a testimony of His greatness to get down on myself and our circumstances. He knows that what I really need is to be reminded of His love, His faithfulness, and His promise!

After posting "It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...", I drove into town to get some things for dinner. Amazing that God knew just when to play "Waiting Room" on the radio. I have never heard this song, but it is definitely a new favorite. It pretty much states all the things I know I want to say, but just can't get out.

We pray daily for God to bless us with a family. And then we wait, and wait, and wait, for an answer. At least that's what I thought we did... until I heard this song. Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes, It's not always NO, sometimes it's just WAIT... but we're not waiting for an answer, we are waiting for whatever it is that God is going to bless us with. In our case, we are waiting for a family, but for others it may be a spouse, a job, a friend or loved one to be saved... the list goes on.

Regardless of what you are waiting for, we have to remember that God is so much wiser than us. He has the ability to see the big picture. So if He tells us to WAIT, we need to wait, resting in the fact that He is all-knowing and therefore He knows what is best and when the best time is.

Take a peek at the song "Waiting Room" by Johnny Diaz.