Updates!

I feel like I did better this time at Dr. Pete's office. I didn't cry while I was talking with him (which is a first time in 9 months) and sitting in the waiting room was tolerable this time. It might be that the time of day cut down on the number of expectant mothers I had to be face to face with. Or maybe it was just God smiling down on me knowing that I was not prepared to deal with that. Either way, I know the strength came from my Savior.

Despite the strength, I did still feel nervous as I do each time, but as I think about that, I know that, that is something I must work on. There is no need to be nervous... if my strength, my hope, my future rests in the very capable loving hands of my Father, then I must only think positively and trust wholeheartedly.

Once I got into the consult room, I sat praying for strength and a calm heart. I felt the Lord's presence strongly in the room. Even as I prayed the paper that doctor's office use on the exam tables made a crinkling noise across the room. I looked up from the spot on the floor that I was staring at and began to stare at the table. I know it seems like a strange occurrence and I'm pretty sure that it was moved by the air flowing from the vent, but I believe that God used that as a very real example that He was indeed with me and not just in thought, but actually sitting next to me in the room, holding my hand.

This appt had a distinct different feel to it. It's not that we are headed in any big different direction, we're actually repeating everything just with a higher dosage of Clomid, but for whatever reason it felt different sitting there talking with Dr. Pete. After thinking over it, I believe it is because I feel like we are getting a better handle on things. No I'm not ovulating, No we don't really know why, No I'm not pregnant, but we are on our way to finding these things out. In a perfect world, Dr. Pete would have all the answers and be able to know exactly what would work and what would not, but it's not a perfect world, so I have to be content in the waiting. I feel confidently that although the waiting is very difficult, all of this "wasted time" (as we sometimes think of it) is not wasted at all because it's all a part of His perfect plan. Thinking that it's wasted is just a reason for me to feel down and out, but it's not wasted. No day living for Christ and serving Him and His people through our struggles is ever wasted.

I had a chance to chat for a few moments with a close friend of the family today. A sweet, very Godly lady who was so encouraging to me. I'm so thankful for people that God has placed in my life not just right now through our struggles, but from the beginning of my life the people he faithfully placed, knowing what I would need and who could provide it at such a time as this. God, you are so good... all the time, ALL the time!

I know you've read this whole post wondering what Dr. Pete said. I apologize for making you read so much before getting down to the nitty gritty, but I don't want this blog to just be a place where I air all of the details and leave it at that. I want this to be a place where people learn more about God and His character through my life and our struggles and joys. I keep thinking on the fact that there is no good reason why Heath and I would need to endure the pain of infertility except for the distinct privilege of reaching people with our story. And so, occasionally, I feel it's necessary to really share the nitty gritty of our feelings and experiences and observations, before I get to the nitty gritty of our medical prognosis.

At any rate... Dr. Pete feels that we are really fighting the PCOS. He believes that may be the biggest reason why my body is not responding so well to the Clomid @ 50mg and 100mg. The ultrasound revealed multiple cysts on both ovaries, which could be follicles that are not maturing or just the effects of the PCOS. That's an unknown. After my cycle starts (either on it's own or induced with Provera), I will take 150mg of Clomid for days 3-7. I'm nervous about that... not sure what that amount of Clomid will do to me. Please pray with us that the side effects will not be too unpleasant. On top of that, because Dr. Pete feels like my stress was much lower after the u/s (because we knew what was going on and weren't just guessing), we will be doing another u/s on day 15 of my cycle. The results of that will determine where we go next.

Until then, the only thing I can do is pray that the Lord would continue to strengthen us and surround us with friends and family who love and pray for us. Can't wait to see what this next cycle holds!