It's hard to sometimes even want to acknowledge the title of this post and where we've been over the last 4-6 weeks. We had so hoped, believed, prayed that IVF #1 would be the trick and that we would be well on our way to being parents and holding our miracle. It seems though, that everytime WE plan like that HE steps in and reminds us that HIS plan will reign. And it is during those moments that we are also reminded that although it's painful at the time His plan is really what we want, not our own. After all, He can see the BIG picture, and we only the few steps in front of us. (Granted, those steps feel like mountains right now... even so, praise God for His faithfulness in helping us move mountains!)So, to now be reflecting on IVF #2, is difficult and a bit surreal; however, something I think deserves the time.
This cycle has been so unlike the other cycle in some ways and so very similar at the same time. If you have ever been through IVF more than once, then you know that the first initial fresh cycle is much more intense and involved than the subsequent frozen cycles. For those who have not... a fresh cycle is considered the cycle in which a woman's eggs are harvested, fertilized, and then transferred back to her uterus. Of course, if you produce multiple eggs, then you may choose to freeze the fertilized eggs (embryos) for use in the case that the fresh cycle is unsuccessful, or in the case that you are ready to grow your family. Thus, the frozen cycle... it occurs after a fresh cycle and is quite interesting in the fact that the embryologists thaws the # of embryos to be transferred and two days later, wahlah!, a frozen embryo cycle.
From the beginning I just felt kind of disconnected from the whole process. In the fresh cycle, I was at the office every other day for u/s and bloodwork, whereas, this time they simply called me to tell me when to start my shots and then I never saw them until 18 days before our transfer. It was nice that we saved the time and $$, but still a little scary... Did I remember to take all the pills I was supposed to take? Was that the right injection? The right dose? When do I add this other med? It was stressful in that sense, but also less stressful because I didn't have to be running to the office every other day.
The only thing so far that I have identified as exactly the same is the two week wait. It doesn't matter how many times I go through this, the feelings don't venture far from the first time. It's those feelings of doubt, but then back to trust, slinking down to raw emotions around every corner, to the realization that no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome has already been determined. God already has it figured out and it WILL be good. Maybe not right away. Maybe when the results come in we will be in that numbing state. Maybe we will be planning a nursery. But for sure, we will be praising God who makes all things Good.
I've found myself talking to my babies a lot this time. I think I did last time, but not nearly as much and not with this message. The other day, while I was laying in bed for 2 days, I told them their first story about God. It went kinda like this "Hi babies! I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy have loved you for a really long time. We have prayed for you and hoped for you and waited for you. But you know what, there is someone who loves you even more than we do. God created you into the perfect little life that you are and He loves you. He only wants what is best for you and for mommy and daddy, because you know what, He loves them even more than they love each other and that's a lot of love. If mommy and daddy never get to hold you in our arms, you will always be in our hearts, and we will still be happy because we will know that God is holding you in his hands." I have to be honest... as I finished with tears streaming down my face, I realized that the story might have been more for me than for my babies. It solidified in my mind that God's got this. He knows just what we need. That may never be a baby to hold in our arms, but then I do believe it's something much better!
Oh, dear friends, it's lonely out here.. being a mother without a child... So many of you have passed on prayers and thoughts of encouragement. Bless you, sweet ladies for taking the time to love on a fellow believer. God is good and we are so blessed. May you remember today just how much our GOD LOVES YOU!
5.29.2012
5.17.2012
Just a Few Things on My Mind
It's been forever since I've written. There are a couple of reasons. For one, after our unsuccessful IVF, we were devastated and rather then spend time pouring out my broken heart, I chose to step away from it all and enjoy my life and my husband. And I also have gotten busy wrapped up in serving at my church.
I don't think a woman struggling with infertility ever really forgets what they are fighting for. We may try to live on without breaking down and crying at every drop of the hat and for no apparent reason, but we never really forget. Just as breathing is a part of living, so is pain... specifically for us, the pain of infertility. It's hard to put into words exactly what that looks like, but I'm pretty sure people can see that. I have grown to dislike very strongly the pitying stares that I often get. Mother's Day seems to be a good one for that. I'm fine, for goodness sakes, I'm no different than any other person struggling with any other battle.
The day after Mother's Day, a friend of mine sent me a link to a post. It hit the spot, because it said exactly what I was feeling. People look at me like there is no hope. That's not true. There is Hope! Even if I never am a mother, I have life abundantly. Ever-lasting life. A Savior who loves me and leads me and cares for me. Yes, there are still tearful days. There are still emotions that pop up at the absolute worse times. But I have the privilege of relying on my BIG GOD! He hasn't given me more than I can handle with HIM. And I feel pretty blessed... my faith has grown in leaps and bounds and in ways that others could only hope for.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/15/false-hope-vs-loving-truths/
As I began reading through this site, I was encouraged by the fact that there are other women feeling the same way that I do often. My feelings aren't wrong or off base, they are just truths. I wanted to share one more of the posts that I came across. So many times mothers comment to me about how lucky I am to not have any children. Some of them know where I am in that journey to be a mother and others don't. I'll never understand why those who know what we battle for everday could think a "you're so lucky" comment would be welcomed. I'll never understand why they think that that comment would come across as a good thing to someone who fights for a child . I'll never understand what they are thinking in sharing that with someone who is infertile, but longs for a baby to hold. I do understand that being a mother is challenging at times. I do understand that parenting takes your life and turnes it upside down. I do understand that some days those beautiful children try your patience, they make you sleepy, they maybe don't give you a moment of peace. But you, my friend are still the lucky one. In those moments you may not feel like it, but read this post and maybe it will give you a bit of perspective.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/16/youre-so-lucky/
Bless you all!
I don't think a woman struggling with infertility ever really forgets what they are fighting for. We may try to live on without breaking down and crying at every drop of the hat and for no apparent reason, but we never really forget. Just as breathing is a part of living, so is pain... specifically for us, the pain of infertility. It's hard to put into words exactly what that looks like, but I'm pretty sure people can see that. I have grown to dislike very strongly the pitying stares that I often get. Mother's Day seems to be a good one for that. I'm fine, for goodness sakes, I'm no different than any other person struggling with any other battle.
The day after Mother's Day, a friend of mine sent me a link to a post. It hit the spot, because it said exactly what I was feeling. People look at me like there is no hope. That's not true. There is Hope! Even if I never am a mother, I have life abundantly. Ever-lasting life. A Savior who loves me and leads me and cares for me. Yes, there are still tearful days. There are still emotions that pop up at the absolute worse times. But I have the privilege of relying on my BIG GOD! He hasn't given me more than I can handle with HIM. And I feel pretty blessed... my faith has grown in leaps and bounds and in ways that others could only hope for.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/15/false-hope-vs-loving-truths/
As I began reading through this site, I was encouraged by the fact that there are other women feeling the same way that I do often. My feelings aren't wrong or off base, they are just truths. I wanted to share one more of the posts that I came across. So many times mothers comment to me about how lucky I am to not have any children. Some of them know where I am in that journey to be a mother and others don't. I'll never understand why those who know what we battle for everday could think a "you're so lucky" comment would be welcomed. I'll never understand why they think that that comment would come across as a good thing to someone who fights for a child . I'll never understand what they are thinking in sharing that with someone who is infertile, but longs for a baby to hold. I do understand that being a mother is challenging at times. I do understand that parenting takes your life and turnes it upside down. I do understand that some days those beautiful children try your patience, they make you sleepy, they maybe don't give you a moment of peace. But you, my friend are still the lucky one. In those moments you may not feel like it, but read this post and maybe it will give you a bit of perspective.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/16/youre-so-lucky/
Bless you all!
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