Merry Christmas to all my dear friends and fellow couples struggling with infertility. It goes without saying that the Holiday's hold a certain sadness when your arms are empty. My sweet friends, I feel your pain... at the same time, Christmas is about giving and promises kept and that is what we must focus on. We must consciously give of ourselves to others. We must put on the smile and enjoy our family and share in the Christmas spirit. Odd isn't it, that the reason we are able to be here celebrating Christmas is because of a baby born so long ago. A baby... what we think of as the source of our pain right now, is really the source of our LIFE, joy, everlasting love, arms that are always around us, strength that comes only from that SON, and a knowledge that ALL IS WELL!
Yes, it is hard for me to type this. Yes, I want to just go to bed and not have to face all the pregnant bellies, birth talks, "what my baby is doing" braggings. But, for no other reason than to remember HIS birth and HIS promise of returning, I will press on. I will endure those talks, I will cuddle with my nieces and nephews, I will ENJOY Christmas with my family and friends. Yes, I have to make a conscious effort to remember these things, because I haven't forgotten the battle we have been fighting for close to 2 years. Yes, there will likely be tears; however I will strive to remember the real reason for Christmas.. which is not about me, but about HIM!
I have been hearing from God quite often lately. I suspect it is partly because of last weeks church service... I can't tell you what the name of the message was or all the bullet points, but I can tell you what God spoke to me. For the last 2 years I have been faithful in reading through my Bible during the course of the year. I get out my sheet of paper that list all the passages for each day, I read them, and I check them off my list. Sometimes I actually hear what I read, but a lot of times I was finding myself checking off the list and moving on with my day, not really letting HIS WORD sink in. I would get up in the morning, hurry out to the living room, read my passage, check it off, and turn on a movie that I had been thinking about watching or fix up a breakfast that sounded good. Hardly ever did I take time to consider what I had read and how it applied to my life. Last Sunday; however, something changed in me when I heard the message. Pastor talked about what Christmas could teach us about the Bible... it teaches us it is TRUTH. The one things that Pastor said that stuck out to me was that we needed to spend time in His word AND let it sink in, let it change us, let it renew our spirits. This week I have done that and I can tell an immediate difference in me being able to hear what God is speaking to me. He doesn't speak strictly through His word, but He has used other people, books, and songs to speak to me this week. I'm sure He has never stopped speaking to me, it's just that I was too wrapped up in ME to listen to what HE had to say. Oh Father, please forgive me for putting myself before YOU... the one who sent His Son so long ago, a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, to be my source of life. If I focus on any baby this season, please let it be Your Son!
There are things I've always known to be true that God has reminded me of this week. The one that I'm putting into practice this Holiday season is letting Joy find it's place in my life. The Bible says " Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith will develop patience." And so, I will choose to consider it JOY... the PURE JOY will have to come from only HIM. Even the JOY we sometimes need help with, because our own human selves have a hard time taking our eyes off our own troubles and finding joy in the midst of the sorrow.
12.25.2010
12.10.2010
Emotions Running Close to the Surface
We have had an emotional few days. It all started on Sunday with our Pastor's sermon... The Expectancy of Christmas. The sermon was about the fact that we so often get wrapped up in the point of Christmas being the birth of Jesus, that we forget that it is actually just the beginning. In bringing His son to the earth, God was fulfilling the prophesies and the promises... the expectancy of Christmas is not the birth of Jesus, but the fact that God fulfilled what was told and He will do so again at His second coming.
The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!
Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!
Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.
The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!
We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.
The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!
Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!
Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.
The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!
We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.
11.25.2010
A few things I'm pondering...
We are at my parents spending the night so that we can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with them this afternoon. Since we were in town and Nikki was busy, we took our 5 mo old niece, Mackenna for the night. Isabelle tagged along so we have both of our Hastings nieces with us. So fun!
It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.
Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..
I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.
Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.
It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.
Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..
I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.
Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.
11.12.2010
Back to Square One
Sometimes I just feel like screaming. In fact, today was one of those days. We felt so hopeful going into our ultra/sound, but alas, the hope was for naught, because our potential babies were back down to less than 1cm.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.
I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.
I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.
11.10.2010
Finally Feeling Encouraged
We had our ultrasound yesterday... actually to be medically correct it was a Follicle Study to determine if the Clomid is triggering follicle growth or not. Last month, when I was on 100mg, there was no growth. There were several cysts that were under 1cm in diameter. They likely were just the symptoms of PCOS.
This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!
The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.
Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!
My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy
This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!
The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.
Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!
My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy
11.05.2010
Why Worry, When You Can Pray?!?
I just finished watching the movie "Julie and Julia" for probably the fifth time. I LOVE that movie and it never ceases to inspire me to blog. Today, it reminded me that I have not blogged in a while and that I had a few things that I wanted to share.
We are still on our journey to having a family. It's growing long and tedious. There are some days where I barely think about my empty arms, then there are days when it's all I can think about. There are moments when I'm out and about and I cross the baby section in a store and I love to stop and look and dream, then there are days where when I come across the baby section I want to run to the nearest hole and cry out to God for mercy. There are some days where I feel like we are doing just fine just the two of us, but then sometimes when I don't think we can place one foot in front of the other because of the burden we carry. We are fine. If there never is a child we can call our own, we are still fine.
I find sometimes that when I think about it my fear comes from the fact that I may never be a mother and Heath may never be a father. But then, if I'm completely honest, sometimes my fear comes because I don't want to be "that couple that couldn't have babies". I don't want people to look back over our marriage and our lives and see that all we ever fought for was a baby and we never got it. Instead, I want people to look at our marriage and see Christ as the centerpoint. I want them to look at our journey and not see what we did or did not accomplish, but what we learned and how we grew through the experience.
Life is all about experiences. Every day is a new one. Each moment is a chance to experience life to it's fullest. We have learned that the only way to do that is to crawl up on God's lap, curl up in His arms, and bask in His love and mercy. If you are reading this blog and you are also on a journey to have a family or any other journey for that matter, please know that you will only be satisfied when you allow Christ to fill you. There is no child, no coveted job, no amount of success that will fulfill your desires. You, on your own, will always want more. But when we grow in our faith and learn about our Heavenly Father, that's when we are completely satisfied, even if we never accomplish those things we wish for.
Next week we will go for a second ultrasound. This time to see if the 150mg of Clomid did the trick or not. I haven't experienced any increased side effects, which makes me doubtful. It could be that nothings working, or it could be just that we gradually increased and for that reason I don't have to suffer the side effects. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I will admit, I'm feeling doubtful! I'm reminded of a song I learned as a child!
"Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.
Don't be a doubting Thomas,
Trust fully in His promise.
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can PRAY?"
We are still on our journey to having a family. It's growing long and tedious. There are some days where I barely think about my empty arms, then there are days when it's all I can think about. There are moments when I'm out and about and I cross the baby section in a store and I love to stop and look and dream, then there are days where when I come across the baby section I want to run to the nearest hole and cry out to God for mercy. There are some days where I feel like we are doing just fine just the two of us, but then sometimes when I don't think we can place one foot in front of the other because of the burden we carry. We are fine. If there never is a child we can call our own, we are still fine.
I find sometimes that when I think about it my fear comes from the fact that I may never be a mother and Heath may never be a father. But then, if I'm completely honest, sometimes my fear comes because I don't want to be "that couple that couldn't have babies". I don't want people to look back over our marriage and our lives and see that all we ever fought for was a baby and we never got it. Instead, I want people to look at our marriage and see Christ as the centerpoint. I want them to look at our journey and not see what we did or did not accomplish, but what we learned and how we grew through the experience.
Life is all about experiences. Every day is a new one. Each moment is a chance to experience life to it's fullest. We have learned that the only way to do that is to crawl up on God's lap, curl up in His arms, and bask in His love and mercy. If you are reading this blog and you are also on a journey to have a family or any other journey for that matter, please know that you will only be satisfied when you allow Christ to fill you. There is no child, no coveted job, no amount of success that will fulfill your desires. You, on your own, will always want more. But when we grow in our faith and learn about our Heavenly Father, that's when we are completely satisfied, even if we never accomplish those things we wish for.
Next week we will go for a second ultrasound. This time to see if the 150mg of Clomid did the trick or not. I haven't experienced any increased side effects, which makes me doubtful. It could be that nothings working, or it could be just that we gradually increased and for that reason I don't have to suffer the side effects. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I will admit, I'm feeling doubtful! I'm reminded of a song I learned as a child!
"Why worry, when you can pray?
Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.
Don't be a doubting Thomas,
Trust fully in His promise.
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can PRAY?"
10.09.2010
Updates!
I feel like I did better this time at Dr. Pete's office. I didn't cry while I was talking with him (which is a first time in 9 months) and sitting in the waiting room was tolerable this time. It might be that the time of day cut down on the number of expectant mothers I had to be face to face with. Or maybe it was just God smiling down on me knowing that I was not prepared to deal with that. Either way, I know the strength came from my Savior.
Despite the strength, I did still feel nervous as I do each time, but as I think about that, I know that, that is something I must work on. There is no need to be nervous... if my strength, my hope, my future rests in the very capable loving hands of my Father, then I must only think positively and trust wholeheartedly.
Once I got into the consult room, I sat praying for strength and a calm heart. I felt the Lord's presence strongly in the room. Even as I prayed the paper that doctor's office use on the exam tables made a crinkling noise across the room. I looked up from the spot on the floor that I was staring at and began to stare at the table. I know it seems like a strange occurrence and I'm pretty sure that it was moved by the air flowing from the vent, but I believe that God used that as a very real example that He was indeed with me and not just in thought, but actually sitting next to me in the room, holding my hand.
This appt had a distinct different feel to it. It's not that we are headed in any big different direction, we're actually repeating everything just with a higher dosage of Clomid, but for whatever reason it felt different sitting there talking with Dr. Pete. After thinking over it, I believe it is because I feel like we are getting a better handle on things. No I'm not ovulating, No we don't really know why, No I'm not pregnant, but we are on our way to finding these things out. In a perfect world, Dr. Pete would have all the answers and be able to know exactly what would work and what would not, but it's not a perfect world, so I have to be content in the waiting. I feel confidently that although the waiting is very difficult, all of this "wasted time" (as we sometimes think of it) is not wasted at all because it's all a part of His perfect plan. Thinking that it's wasted is just a reason for me to feel down and out, but it's not wasted. No day living for Christ and serving Him and His people through our struggles is ever wasted.
I had a chance to chat for a few moments with a close friend of the family today. A sweet, very Godly lady who was so encouraging to me. I'm so thankful for people that God has placed in my life not just right now through our struggles, but from the beginning of my life the people he faithfully placed, knowing what I would need and who could provide it at such a time as this. God, you are so good... all the time, ALL the time!
I know you've read this whole post wondering what Dr. Pete said. I apologize for making you read so much before getting down to the nitty gritty, but I don't want this blog to just be a place where I air all of the details and leave it at that. I want this to be a place where people learn more about God and His character through my life and our struggles and joys. I keep thinking on the fact that there is no good reason why Heath and I would need to endure the pain of infertility except for the distinct privilege of reaching people with our story. And so, occasionally, I feel it's necessary to really share the nitty gritty of our feelings and experiences and observations, before I get to the nitty gritty of our medical prognosis.
At any rate... Dr. Pete feels that we are really fighting the PCOS. He believes that may be the biggest reason why my body is not responding so well to the Clomid @ 50mg and 100mg. The ultrasound revealed multiple cysts on both ovaries, which could be follicles that are not maturing or just the effects of the PCOS. That's an unknown. After my cycle starts (either on it's own or induced with Provera), I will take 150mg of Clomid for days 3-7. I'm nervous about that... not sure what that amount of Clomid will do to me. Please pray with us that the side effects will not be too unpleasant. On top of that, because Dr. Pete feels like my stress was much lower after the u/s (because we knew what was going on and weren't just guessing), we will be doing another u/s on day 15 of my cycle. The results of that will determine where we go next.
Until then, the only thing I can do is pray that the Lord would continue to strengthen us and surround us with friends and family who love and pray for us. Can't wait to see what this next cycle holds!
Despite the strength, I did still feel nervous as I do each time, but as I think about that, I know that, that is something I must work on. There is no need to be nervous... if my strength, my hope, my future rests in the very capable loving hands of my Father, then I must only think positively and trust wholeheartedly.
Once I got into the consult room, I sat praying for strength and a calm heart. I felt the Lord's presence strongly in the room. Even as I prayed the paper that doctor's office use on the exam tables made a crinkling noise across the room. I looked up from the spot on the floor that I was staring at and began to stare at the table. I know it seems like a strange occurrence and I'm pretty sure that it was moved by the air flowing from the vent, but I believe that God used that as a very real example that He was indeed with me and not just in thought, but actually sitting next to me in the room, holding my hand.
This appt had a distinct different feel to it. It's not that we are headed in any big different direction, we're actually repeating everything just with a higher dosage of Clomid, but for whatever reason it felt different sitting there talking with Dr. Pete. After thinking over it, I believe it is because I feel like we are getting a better handle on things. No I'm not ovulating, No we don't really know why, No I'm not pregnant, but we are on our way to finding these things out. In a perfect world, Dr. Pete would have all the answers and be able to know exactly what would work and what would not, but it's not a perfect world, so I have to be content in the waiting. I feel confidently that although the waiting is very difficult, all of this "wasted time" (as we sometimes think of it) is not wasted at all because it's all a part of His perfect plan. Thinking that it's wasted is just a reason for me to feel down and out, but it's not wasted. No day living for Christ and serving Him and His people through our struggles is ever wasted.
I had a chance to chat for a few moments with a close friend of the family today. A sweet, very Godly lady who was so encouraging to me. I'm so thankful for people that God has placed in my life not just right now through our struggles, but from the beginning of my life the people he faithfully placed, knowing what I would need and who could provide it at such a time as this. God, you are so good... all the time, ALL the time!
I know you've read this whole post wondering what Dr. Pete said. I apologize for making you read so much before getting down to the nitty gritty, but I don't want this blog to just be a place where I air all of the details and leave it at that. I want this to be a place where people learn more about God and His character through my life and our struggles and joys. I keep thinking on the fact that there is no good reason why Heath and I would need to endure the pain of infertility except for the distinct privilege of reaching people with our story. And so, occasionally, I feel it's necessary to really share the nitty gritty of our feelings and experiences and observations, before I get to the nitty gritty of our medical prognosis.
At any rate... Dr. Pete feels that we are really fighting the PCOS. He believes that may be the biggest reason why my body is not responding so well to the Clomid @ 50mg and 100mg. The ultrasound revealed multiple cysts on both ovaries, which could be follicles that are not maturing or just the effects of the PCOS. That's an unknown. After my cycle starts (either on it's own or induced with Provera), I will take 150mg of Clomid for days 3-7. I'm nervous about that... not sure what that amount of Clomid will do to me. Please pray with us that the side effects will not be too unpleasant. On top of that, because Dr. Pete feels like my stress was much lower after the u/s (because we knew what was going on and weren't just guessing), we will be doing another u/s on day 15 of my cycle. The results of that will determine where we go next.
Until then, the only thing I can do is pray that the Lord would continue to strengthen us and surround us with friends and family who love and pray for us. Can't wait to see what this next cycle holds!
10.04.2010
The Power of Prayer
Last week was such a tough week to say the least. I had an ultrasound with results that were not what we had hoped for. We received notification from our insurance company (again) that they wanted us to pay 50% of the cost for the procedure I had back in December. Yes, 9 months ago. A procedure that they approved ahead of time and already paid in full. And overall, I came through the week feeling very emotional and drained for obvious reasons.
I was feeling very hesitant yesterday about singing in church. It was my first time since February. I was on a sort of sabbatical, I guess you could say. After my surgery in February I was taking a short break, but it turned out to be much longer as our struggles with infertility became more involved and stressful. I just began singing again... just feeling like I was getting to a point where I could sing, really mean the words I sang, and not cry through each song. After warming up, I felt even more hesitant to sing. Not that the warm up did not go well, it was more about me. I was feeling low and out of place and I can't even explain why except that I think the Devil was trying to get to me. After talking with Heath, shedding a few tears, and taking deep breaths, I began to pray that the Lord would give me strength and that He would open my heart to what I could learn from His word.
I believe God was trying to teach me about His faithfulness even in the midst of our circumstances. As I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" I realized that as many times as I had sang that song before, I'm not sure I ever thought about the words or pondered what they meant. Sunday; however, though noone sat down and explained the words to me, my eyes were opened, my heart in tune, and I finally understood. It's not that I didn't know He was faithful... our life is a living testimony of His faithfulness; but I know that in singing that song before I didn't really think about what it was saying about His faithfulness. "There is no shadow of turning with thee"..I never really understood until this weekend what that meant. God is unchanging, immovable, He is right where we need Him, and He doesn't turn from one side to the other.... there is no shadow from His turning away. That really hit me!
The message was about knowing who God is. Obviously one of his attributes is Faithfulness. Pastor Kevin shared with us a verse that I claim as my own. 2 Timothy 2:13 "When we are faithless, He remains faithful, because He cannot deny Himself." He can't be unfaithful, because He is faithfulness. Does that make sense? I don't know a better way to express it. But I am encouraged, because even when I am unfaithful, wavering in my trust, He is still faithfully working in my life.
I think our small group is possibly the most amazing group of people I know. Last night after Heath and I tearfully shared about our week and our struggles, they gathered around us and prayed for us. The power of Prayer is quite amazing. With their hands on us and their words of encouragement surrounding us, we felt the peace of God. It didn't matter that we had just come through a very tough week, or that the week ahead was unsure... the only thing that mattered was the feeling of God's people, our small group family, loving us enough to gather around and speak to God with words that we were unable to express. It was amazing... something I've seen in other people's lives, but never experienced myself.
Thank you, Father, for the power of prayer. Thank you for sending your peace through the words of our friends and family. Thank you for showing us your faithfulness in our every day lives when often we are faithless, for providing exactly what we need at just the right time, and for your strength to press on in the trials.
I was feeling very hesitant yesterday about singing in church. It was my first time since February. I was on a sort of sabbatical, I guess you could say. After my surgery in February I was taking a short break, but it turned out to be much longer as our struggles with infertility became more involved and stressful. I just began singing again... just feeling like I was getting to a point where I could sing, really mean the words I sang, and not cry through each song. After warming up, I felt even more hesitant to sing. Not that the warm up did not go well, it was more about me. I was feeling low and out of place and I can't even explain why except that I think the Devil was trying to get to me. After talking with Heath, shedding a few tears, and taking deep breaths, I began to pray that the Lord would give me strength and that He would open my heart to what I could learn from His word.
I believe God was trying to teach me about His faithfulness even in the midst of our circumstances. As I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" I realized that as many times as I had sang that song before, I'm not sure I ever thought about the words or pondered what they meant. Sunday; however, though noone sat down and explained the words to me, my eyes were opened, my heart in tune, and I finally understood. It's not that I didn't know He was faithful... our life is a living testimony of His faithfulness; but I know that in singing that song before I didn't really think about what it was saying about His faithfulness. "There is no shadow of turning with thee"..I never really understood until this weekend what that meant. God is unchanging, immovable, He is right where we need Him, and He doesn't turn from one side to the other.... there is no shadow from His turning away. That really hit me!
The message was about knowing who God is. Obviously one of his attributes is Faithfulness. Pastor Kevin shared with us a verse that I claim as my own. 2 Timothy 2:13 "When we are faithless, He remains faithful, because He cannot deny Himself." He can't be unfaithful, because He is faithfulness. Does that make sense? I don't know a better way to express it. But I am encouraged, because even when I am unfaithful, wavering in my trust, He is still faithfully working in my life.
I think our small group is possibly the most amazing group of people I know. Last night after Heath and I tearfully shared about our week and our struggles, they gathered around us and prayed for us. The power of Prayer is quite amazing. With their hands on us and their words of encouragement surrounding us, we felt the peace of God. It didn't matter that we had just come through a very tough week, or that the week ahead was unsure... the only thing that mattered was the feeling of God's people, our small group family, loving us enough to gather around and speak to God with words that we were unable to express. It was amazing... something I've seen in other people's lives, but never experienced myself.
Thank you, Father, for the power of prayer. Thank you for sending your peace through the words of our friends and family. Thank you for showing us your faithfulness in our every day lives when often we are faithless, for providing exactly what we need at just the right time, and for your strength to press on in the trials.
10.01.2010
I'm struggling with words here... I know what I'm feeling, but I don't know how to speak.
I had an ultrasound yesterday. A follicle study, to be exact. The reason: to find out if my body is producing but not releasing matured eggs; or if my body is not producing matured eggs. I went into the ultrasound rather apprehensive. I was feeling like the results wouldn't be good, that there would be no eggs, but I was also feeling hopeful that the results would be good. I got there early and I sat in my truck, praying that God would calm my heart, that I wouldn't cry, and that I would accept the results.
I am so thankful. God did answer prayer and also worked some things out that were unknown to me. For instance, Dr. Pete was at a medical conference, but the U/S tech was very professional and caring and I was glad she was there. In a normal every day U/S room, the technician can give no results to the patient. Instead they send the info to the doctor and they read the results. Which in this time crunch (because we need to be able to know when I'm ovulating so we can time things appropriately) is kind of important. God knew all along that Dr. Pete was going to be at a conference until Monday. After almost tearfully (but not, so another answered prayer) explaingin the situation to the technician,she talked with one of the other doctors on staff and was able to give me some results. I did not cry in front of the office staff, but my face must have been extremely readable (I was very close to crying), so the sweet tech pushed me to the front of the line so I was able to get done more quickly.
The results: There were multiple follicles on both ovaries, which is good, but they were only 1mm in size and should have measured closer to 11-12 or so in order to be 15-17 in 3 days. So... that means, all along, as we feared, the Clomid has not been working. I don't know what is ahead. I will meet with Dr. Pete again next week to go over the results and see where we go from here. It could be that we adjust the dosage of Clomid. It could be that we try a different drug.
Until then, I am thinking and praying....Feeling quite down.
I had an ultrasound yesterday. A follicle study, to be exact. The reason: to find out if my body is producing but not releasing matured eggs; or if my body is not producing matured eggs. I went into the ultrasound rather apprehensive. I was feeling like the results wouldn't be good, that there would be no eggs, but I was also feeling hopeful that the results would be good. I got there early and I sat in my truck, praying that God would calm my heart, that I wouldn't cry, and that I would accept the results.
I am so thankful. God did answer prayer and also worked some things out that were unknown to me. For instance, Dr. Pete was at a medical conference, but the U/S tech was very professional and caring and I was glad she was there. In a normal every day U/S room, the technician can give no results to the patient. Instead they send the info to the doctor and they read the results. Which in this time crunch (because we need to be able to know when I'm ovulating so we can time things appropriately) is kind of important. God knew all along that Dr. Pete was going to be at a conference until Monday. After almost tearfully (but not, so another answered prayer) explaingin the situation to the technician,she talked with one of the other doctors on staff and was able to give me some results. I did not cry in front of the office staff, but my face must have been extremely readable (I was very close to crying), so the sweet tech pushed me to the front of the line so I was able to get done more quickly.
The results: There were multiple follicles on both ovaries, which is good, but they were only 1mm in size and should have measured closer to 11-12 or so in order to be 15-17 in 3 days. So... that means, all along, as we feared, the Clomid has not been working. I don't know what is ahead. I will meet with Dr. Pete again next week to go over the results and see where we go from here. It could be that we adjust the dosage of Clomid. It could be that we try a different drug.
Until then, I am thinking and praying....Feeling quite down.
9.15.2010
Content With Circumstances
Wow! Chapter 2 of this book really hit home. I think that means that I'm on the right track and that there is a reason, I chose this book of the many I could have chosen. I believe God knew exactly what I needed to read.
Dillow starts out by giving this elaborate exciting information about her life in Hong Kong. She lists all the exciting things and things she loved about it. The next paragraph is the flip side...all the reasons why she didn't love Hong Kong. It's very easy to see how the Prescription for Contentment that I mentioned in my last post play into her Hong Kong experience. Each day she had a choice to think positively about her life there or to think negatively.
I suppose that is true in our lives as well. Not just with where we live, but with how we live and what our circumstances are. For us, the biggest circumstance that we are facing is our struggle with infertility. It's not something we chose or would ever wish to choose, but it is ours. I want to be positive, but let's face it, there doesn't seem to be many positive things to say about suffering through the many doctors appts, tests, negative tests, etc.
It takes practice. Contentment.. positive versus negative thinking is not something that's going to happen overnight. There are four things that Dillow suggests we can do to practice contentment.
1) Choose to give our anxieties to God. To me, that means all my fears about the future and what it may or may not hold I need to consciously choose to give them to Him.
2) Choose to pray specifically. I used to think that since God knows all things, I could just speak to him generally about my desires. Bottom line though, is that He wants us to speak to him specifically. He is our father and there's nothing He wants more than to have us share our deepest desires with him.
3) Choose to be thankful. Regardless of what I have or don't have... I have so much to be thankful for. He has given me life. Yes, I may have struggles, but take heart, he has overcome them! (John 16:33)
4) Choose to dwell on the positive. Enough said... ALWAYS be positive, NEVER allow yourself to complain about ANYTHING! I'm gonna need God's strength for that one!
You may think of this as a pretty boring post. There are no nitty gritty details about our next test, ultrasound, meds update, etc. What you read instead is something that I am be challenged with. God has allowed us to join the ranks of the infertile. It would be very, very easy to look at it as a curse, and I will admit there are days that I do. In this moment, though, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for God allowing us to bear the burden, because through the struggle, I am growing more and more in love with my Savior. Through the struggle I am learning more and more about what it means to be a Christian inside and out. And through the struggle, I am falling more and more in love with my Husband... the one I laugh with, live for, love!
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God... for His perfect plan for our lives!
Dillow starts out by giving this elaborate exciting information about her life in Hong Kong. She lists all the exciting things and things she loved about it. The next paragraph is the flip side...all the reasons why she didn't love Hong Kong. It's very easy to see how the Prescription for Contentment that I mentioned in my last post play into her Hong Kong experience. Each day she had a choice to think positively about her life there or to think negatively.
I suppose that is true in our lives as well. Not just with where we live, but with how we live and what our circumstances are. For us, the biggest circumstance that we are facing is our struggle with infertility. It's not something we chose or would ever wish to choose, but it is ours. I want to be positive, but let's face it, there doesn't seem to be many positive things to say about suffering through the many doctors appts, tests, negative tests, etc.
It takes practice. Contentment.. positive versus negative thinking is not something that's going to happen overnight. There are four things that Dillow suggests we can do to practice contentment.
1) Choose to give our anxieties to God. To me, that means all my fears about the future and what it may or may not hold I need to consciously choose to give them to Him.
2) Choose to pray specifically. I used to think that since God knows all things, I could just speak to him generally about my desires. Bottom line though, is that He wants us to speak to him specifically. He is our father and there's nothing He wants more than to have us share our deepest desires with him.
3) Choose to be thankful. Regardless of what I have or don't have... I have so much to be thankful for. He has given me life. Yes, I may have struggles, but take heart, he has overcome them! (John 16:33)
4) Choose to dwell on the positive. Enough said... ALWAYS be positive, NEVER allow yourself to complain about ANYTHING! I'm gonna need God's strength for that one!
You may think of this as a pretty boring post. There are no nitty gritty details about our next test, ultrasound, meds update, etc. What you read instead is something that I am be challenged with. God has allowed us to join the ranks of the infertile. It would be very, very easy to look at it as a curse, and I will admit there are days that I do. In this moment, though, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for God allowing us to bear the burden, because through the struggle, I am growing more and more in love with my Savior. Through the struggle I am learning more and more about what it means to be a Christian inside and out. And through the struggle, I am falling more and more in love with my Husband... the one I laugh with, live for, love!
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God... for His perfect plan for our lives!
9.13.2010
Contentment 101
A while back my Facebook (yes, I'm one of those) status read " I've decided God is trying to teach me contentment. I don't want a baby... what I want, what I need is contentment. Because if I'm not content with Him now, even when He blesses us with a child, I will be discontent in something else. I'm praying that I learn to be content, no matter where I am or what I'm doing."
Well, the time has come. I found a deal at Parable on a book for next to nothing about Contentment. It's called "A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment. Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I've never read or heard of her before, but I've started reading this book and I think what she has to say is quite relevant to any woman's life. I have decided that it would be good for me to post what I'm learning in hopes of helping someone else find contentment as well. Although, I don't think it's something that is simply hiding away and we have to find it... I think contentment is something we learn.
Chapter 1- My Journey to Contentment
I've learned that contentment is something that is hard to learn. It is a daily conscious effort to think positively rather than negatively. Before beginning this book, I always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. After thinking through some of the examples that Dillow gives, though, I would say I'm not as positive as I should be. In fact, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking negatively about something. Right now, for instance, I am thinking "I wish Jessi would be content (ha, ha, I'm wishing contentment even for her) for just a little bit longer so I could finish this post." That could be seen as negative... instead should be thankful that she has done as well as she has today and enjoying every second I have to spend with her.
Dillow suggests a prescription for contentment compiled into 5 little steps. Obviously many more could be added, but I think that this covers the general idea for all those specifics.
1) Never allow yourself to complain about anything... not even the weather.
2) Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
3) Never compare your lot with another's.
4) Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
5) Never dwell on tomorrow... remember that (tomorrow) is God's not ours.
I guess that pretty well wraps it up, huh? I've adapted my own personal prescription for contentment based on what I struggle with daily..
1) Never allow myself to complain about anything... not even being so busy sometimes I can barely breathe.
2) Never picture myself as a fertile woman instead of an infertile woman. Or picture my life if I were still living closer to my family instead of miles away where I sometimes feel forgotten.
3) Never look at all those pregnant bellies and think for one minute about how they do or do not deserve the miracle they are experiencing.
4)Never wish that we had been able to get pregnant right away. God has a plan for His timing and it is perfect... what's best for us.
5)Never worry about what will or will not happen in the future. The future is in God's hands and He has an awesome plan for us. Family or not!
My goal over the next few weeks as I read through this book is to claim all of these as my own. To not just post them for the world to see, but to actually start living by them. I know that only then, when I take my mind off the negative and onto the positive will I be content.
Well, the time has come. I found a deal at Parable on a book for next to nothing about Contentment. It's called "A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment. Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I've never read or heard of her before, but I've started reading this book and I think what she has to say is quite relevant to any woman's life. I have decided that it would be good for me to post what I'm learning in hopes of helping someone else find contentment as well. Although, I don't think it's something that is simply hiding away and we have to find it... I think contentment is something we learn.
Chapter 1- My Journey to Contentment
I've learned that contentment is something that is hard to learn. It is a daily conscious effort to think positively rather than negatively. Before beginning this book, I always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. After thinking through some of the examples that Dillow gives, though, I would say I'm not as positive as I should be. In fact, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking negatively about something. Right now, for instance, I am thinking "I wish Jessi would be content (ha, ha, I'm wishing contentment even for her) for just a little bit longer so I could finish this post." That could be seen as negative... instead should be thankful that she has done as well as she has today and enjoying every second I have to spend with her.
Dillow suggests a prescription for contentment compiled into 5 little steps. Obviously many more could be added, but I think that this covers the general idea for all those specifics.
1) Never allow yourself to complain about anything... not even the weather.
2) Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
3) Never compare your lot with another's.
4) Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
5) Never dwell on tomorrow... remember that (tomorrow) is God's not ours.
I guess that pretty well wraps it up, huh? I've adapted my own personal prescription for contentment based on what I struggle with daily..
1) Never allow myself to complain about anything... not even being so busy sometimes I can barely breathe.
2) Never picture myself as a fertile woman instead of an infertile woman. Or picture my life if I were still living closer to my family instead of miles away where I sometimes feel forgotten.
3) Never look at all those pregnant bellies and think for one minute about how they do or do not deserve the miracle they are experiencing.
4)Never wish that we had been able to get pregnant right away. God has a plan for His timing and it is perfect... what's best for us.
5)Never worry about what will or will not happen in the future. The future is in God's hands and He has an awesome plan for us. Family or not!
My goal over the next few weeks as I read through this book is to claim all of these as my own. To not just post them for the world to see, but to actually start living by them. I know that only then, when I take my mind off the negative and onto the positive will I be content.
9.11.2010
Moving Forward
In February I had laproscopic surgery done after which Dr. Pete diagnosed both PCOS and Stage 2 Endometriosis. Now, 7 months later I finally feel like we might be moving forward. Yes, it took 7 months. It seems like longer to us, though. Since February we have been counting cycle days, tracking ovulation (which as of yet has not occurred), reading Negative Pregnancy test, and all in all finding ourselves wrapped up in the middle of fertily treatments month after month. Basically those treatments have involved me taking meds just to get my cycle going, so that I can take the Clomid that should get me ovulating. Unfortunately, PCOS and Endo cause the irregularity in my cycles, hence the use of meds to get me going. The hope was that my body would jump in after a couple of cycles on it's own. 7 months later and that has still not happened. It's more than a little bit frustrating, but at the same time I realize that God's timing is still perfect and all of this is part of his plan... the big picture that only He can see.
Thursday was our 3 month check up with Dr. Pete. The one where we go in to let him know how things have gone. This time, Heath didn't go with me. Mostly, I thought it was pointless for him to go with me for a 15 minute appt where Dr. Pete asks how things went, I tell him about the hot flashes, the little bit of pain, the Negative ovulation tests, the negative pregnancy test, and the lack of my cycle starting on its own. I went to the office planning on asking about what we could do to at least make me feel like we were moving forward. Having friends who have been through these stages of infertility, I knew that we needed to pin down whether the Clomid was doing anything. I had questions about where my hormone levels were and what we could do to get things moving. I think more than anything, I am really feeling like we've just been wasting the last 7 months. Before you get too excited, I also realize that our time as just the two of us is never, NEVER a waste. A year ago, I just thought we would be well on our way to having a family by now; however, God has a different plan and I'm ok with that.
Thankfully, Dr. Pete is an amazing doctor and could sense, I think, my frustration at another three months of meds that we don't know are working. Instead we are only doing 1 month of Clomid, this time around. 100 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle and then around day 16 or so, I will go in for an ultrasound that will determine if the Clomid is persuading any eggs to mature. We know that my body is not releasing them, but this will tell us whether it is producing mature eggs. If so, then I will take an HCG shot which will force my body to release the mature egg(s) and increase our chances of getting pregnant. If not, I don't know whether our next step is an increase in Clomid or what... I guess that's something we will decide when we get to it.
I feel hopeful... I don't know if it's hope that we will get pregnant this month, or just hope that comes from knowing that we are moving forward and thus one step closer to holding our baby. At any rate, after months of feeling like we were going nowhere, it feels good to know that we are going somewhere good soon. We are finally MOVING FORWARD!
Thursday was our 3 month check up with Dr. Pete. The one where we go in to let him know how things have gone. This time, Heath didn't go with me. Mostly, I thought it was pointless for him to go with me for a 15 minute appt where Dr. Pete asks how things went, I tell him about the hot flashes, the little bit of pain, the Negative ovulation tests, the negative pregnancy test, and the lack of my cycle starting on its own. I went to the office planning on asking about what we could do to at least make me feel like we were moving forward. Having friends who have been through these stages of infertility, I knew that we needed to pin down whether the Clomid was doing anything. I had questions about where my hormone levels were and what we could do to get things moving. I think more than anything, I am really feeling like we've just been wasting the last 7 months. Before you get too excited, I also realize that our time as just the two of us is never, NEVER a waste. A year ago, I just thought we would be well on our way to having a family by now; however, God has a different plan and I'm ok with that.
Thankfully, Dr. Pete is an amazing doctor and could sense, I think, my frustration at another three months of meds that we don't know are working. Instead we are only doing 1 month of Clomid, this time around. 100 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle and then around day 16 or so, I will go in for an ultrasound that will determine if the Clomid is persuading any eggs to mature. We know that my body is not releasing them, but this will tell us whether it is producing mature eggs. If so, then I will take an HCG shot which will force my body to release the mature egg(s) and increase our chances of getting pregnant. If not, I don't know whether our next step is an increase in Clomid or what... I guess that's something we will decide when we get to it.
I feel hopeful... I don't know if it's hope that we will get pregnant this month, or just hope that comes from knowing that we are moving forward and thus one step closer to holding our baby. At any rate, after months of feeling like we were going nowhere, it feels good to know that we are going somewhere good soon. We are finally MOVING FORWARD!
8.31.2010
Waiting Room
It seems like no matter what I do, God is always speaking to me. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong... but if I am completely honest, sometimes I just want to be left to wallow in my worry and sadness.
I am grateful; however, that our God knows exactly what I need and when... He knows that it profits nothing to wallow in my self pity and worry and sadness. He knows that it's not a testimony of His greatness to get down on myself and our circumstances. He knows that what I really need is to be reminded of His love, His faithfulness, and His promise!
After posting "It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...", I drove into town to get some things for dinner. Amazing that God knew just when to play "Waiting Room" on the radio. I have never heard this song, but it is definitely a new favorite. It pretty much states all the things I know I want to say, but just can't get out.
We pray daily for God to bless us with a family. And then we wait, and wait, and wait, for an answer. At least that's what I thought we did... until I heard this song. Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes, It's not always NO, sometimes it's just WAIT... but we're not waiting for an answer, we are waiting for whatever it is that God is going to bless us with. In our case, we are waiting for a family, but for others it may be a spouse, a job, a friend or loved one to be saved... the list goes on.
Regardless of what you are waiting for, we have to remember that God is so much wiser than us. He has the ability to see the big picture. So if He tells us to WAIT, we need to wait, resting in the fact that He is all-knowing and therefore He knows what is best and when the best time is.
Take a peek at the song "Waiting Room" by Johnny Diaz.
I am grateful; however, that our God knows exactly what I need and when... He knows that it profits nothing to wallow in my self pity and worry and sadness. He knows that it's not a testimony of His greatness to get down on myself and our circumstances. He knows that what I really need is to be reminded of His love, His faithfulness, and His promise!
After posting "It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...", I drove into town to get some things for dinner. Amazing that God knew just when to play "Waiting Room" on the radio. I have never heard this song, but it is definitely a new favorite. It pretty much states all the things I know I want to say, but just can't get out.
We pray daily for God to bless us with a family. And then we wait, and wait, and wait, for an answer. At least that's what I thought we did... until I heard this song. Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes, It's not always NO, sometimes it's just WAIT... but we're not waiting for an answer, we are waiting for whatever it is that God is going to bless us with. In our case, we are waiting for a family, but for others it may be a spouse, a job, a friend or loved one to be saved... the list goes on.
Regardless of what you are waiting for, we have to remember that God is so much wiser than us. He has the ability to see the big picture. So if He tells us to WAIT, we need to wait, resting in the fact that He is all-knowing and therefore He knows what is best and when the best time is.
Take a peek at the song "Waiting Room" by Johnny Diaz.
It's hard to put thoughts into sentences...
There are several times that I have begun to write this post, but I always stopped after clicking NEW POST. While I knew what I was feeling, the words just wouldn't come. Even as I'm beginning now, the words are all jumbled in my mind. They swirl around waiting for me to place them in the correct order to express myself. There are many times that I know what I want to say, but then I worry about how my message might be taken. So, in hopes of not hitting someone wrongly, I suffer silently with those words just continuing to swirl around in my head. I suspect that many women (and men) who deal with infertility suffer in the same way. We walk through malls and watch expectant mothers caress their ever growing bellies and it feels like a stab to us. An ever present reminder of what we don't and may never have. We watch commercials on TV that inform us of the best baby products out there. The ones we don't need. We go to baby showers and sit in rooms with multiple expectant mothers and we listen to stories of their labor and delivery and how hard it was. And some of them even have the guts to say that they never want to do it again. I wonder if they understand what a miracle they have just experienced. What a blessing that is... a gift... something that not everyone will get to experience. At first glance, as a woman struggling with infertility, their comments seem harsh and inconsiderate. And we suffer silently. We smile and nod our heads and exclaim "Yipes!" and "Oh!" in all the right spots. But deep down, we can't get out of that conversation fast enough. It's not that we don't want to hear their stories, it's more that in mere seconds we could dissolve into a puddle of tears. Tears that are hard to explain or understand unless you are a woman struggling with infertility.
For the first time last night I had this happen to me. My good friend, Kara, told me that I would get to a time when it would be difficult to attend baby showers. While I respected her words, I honestly thought that I was strong enough to push the tears and feelings down at least long enough to get through a baby shower. But my friend, you were right... The nerves started in the afternoon as I began to count in my head the number of expectant mothers I would have to encounter last evening. I knew there would be at least 3 because the shower was for 2 of them and my sister was the other. Little did I know I would encounter 6... I had prepared my self for 3, but 6!?!? That was just a cruel joke. I walked in the door and felt immediately out of place... almost invisible because I wasn't one of them, and at the same time as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and INFERTILITY was engraved on my forehead for the whole world to see. I cuddled with my nieces and talked with my sister and successfully pushed the tears further down from the surface praying that it would work and the shower would go quickly. I tried to avoid talking to anyone but my family, because I knew that tears were so close that any question, might set me off. And I am convinced, it would have worked too, but one question (I don't even know what it was), and I was in tears. Embarrassed. Rushing to give up my new niece that I had, so that I could run to the bathroom before anyone noticed.
I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant or be able to experience the joy of holding our child for the first time. I don't know if I will ever get to smell that sweet baby smell, to share smiles with our son or daughter, or to dwell on the miracle of God's gift of our child. I don't know if I will be able to continually encounter and rejoice with other expectant mothers. What I do know is that God is still blessing us. Despite my heartache, embarrassment, tears upon tears, silent suffering, frustrations, daily ovulation tests that show I'm not ovulating, and monthly pregnancy tests that read negative, God is still good. Those are not words that come easily, but in my heart, I still know they are true.
A few weeks ago, we received a letter from our Insurance company that we needed to pay $2100 towards the surgery that I had in February. A surgery that was pre-approved in writing by our insurance company and had already been paid in full by them. It was not until after the fact, 6 months after, to be exact, that they dug around and decided it had to do with infertility and our 50% co-pay would be required. We appealed in writing and sent post-operative notes from Dr. Pete the next week and received a letter about a week later (last Tuesday) that they were reviewing our case and we should hear by Sept 18. As we read that letter, we continued to pray, as we had been, that the right person would read our letter of appeal and post-operative notes and would push it through. We settled in, thinking we would have to wait another 3 weeks to hear the final decision, gearing up to have to fight more. Instead, God had a different plan. Three days later (last Friday), we received another letter that said our case had been reviewed and according to our testimony and the post-operative notes, the surgery was not considered infertility-related and would be covered as it was. We would not be required to pay the $2100. Praise God! He is working, He is good, He is greater and stronger and higher than any other, namely our insurance company.
I don't really know how to close this post except to say... Thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying!
For the first time last night I had this happen to me. My good friend, Kara, told me that I would get to a time when it would be difficult to attend baby showers. While I respected her words, I honestly thought that I was strong enough to push the tears and feelings down at least long enough to get through a baby shower. But my friend, you were right... The nerves started in the afternoon as I began to count in my head the number of expectant mothers I would have to encounter last evening. I knew there would be at least 3 because the shower was for 2 of them and my sister was the other. Little did I know I would encounter 6... I had prepared my self for 3, but 6!?!? That was just a cruel joke. I walked in the door and felt immediately out of place... almost invisible because I wasn't one of them, and at the same time as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and INFERTILITY was engraved on my forehead for the whole world to see. I cuddled with my nieces and talked with my sister and successfully pushed the tears further down from the surface praying that it would work and the shower would go quickly. I tried to avoid talking to anyone but my family, because I knew that tears were so close that any question, might set me off. And I am convinced, it would have worked too, but one question (I don't even know what it was), and I was in tears. Embarrassed. Rushing to give up my new niece that I had, so that I could run to the bathroom before anyone noticed.
I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant or be able to experience the joy of holding our child for the first time. I don't know if I will ever get to smell that sweet baby smell, to share smiles with our son or daughter, or to dwell on the miracle of God's gift of our child. I don't know if I will be able to continually encounter and rejoice with other expectant mothers. What I do know is that God is still blessing us. Despite my heartache, embarrassment, tears upon tears, silent suffering, frustrations, daily ovulation tests that show I'm not ovulating, and monthly pregnancy tests that read negative, God is still good. Those are not words that come easily, but in my heart, I still know they are true.
A few weeks ago, we received a letter from our Insurance company that we needed to pay $2100 towards the surgery that I had in February. A surgery that was pre-approved in writing by our insurance company and had already been paid in full by them. It was not until after the fact, 6 months after, to be exact, that they dug around and decided it had to do with infertility and our 50% co-pay would be required. We appealed in writing and sent post-operative notes from Dr. Pete the next week and received a letter about a week later (last Tuesday) that they were reviewing our case and we should hear by Sept 18. As we read that letter, we continued to pray, as we had been, that the right person would read our letter of appeal and post-operative notes and would push it through. We settled in, thinking we would have to wait another 3 weeks to hear the final decision, gearing up to have to fight more. Instead, God had a different plan. Three days later (last Friday), we received another letter that said our case had been reviewed and according to our testimony and the post-operative notes, the surgery was not considered infertility-related and would be covered as it was. We would not be required to pay the $2100. Praise God! He is working, He is good, He is greater and stronger and higher than any other, namely our insurance company.
I don't really know how to close this post except to say... Thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying!
8.07.2010
Never stop dreaming
As I begin writing this post, I am sitting in my living room staring out at the beautiful sunny day and dreaming about the day that I will hopefully be a mom and this quiet will be interrupted by baby coos and toddler giggles. The day when I can't sleep in until 8:30 but instead am awakened to the sweet sounds of my daughter or son calling out for Mommy or Daddy. Yet as I dream of that, I realize that it may be just a dream and never a reality.
We were faced this week with a situation that may cause us to make the very difficult decision to take a break from our baby journey. Back in February, I had exploratory surgery that was the basis for getting us started on infertility meds. At the time, we received a letter of approval from our insurance company, and knowing that they were going to cover the surgery 100% we moved forward with the surgery and after that the infertility meds. Now, 6 months later, we received notification from them stating that those claims were paid in error and we are responsible for over $2000 worth of medical bills. We do not have that kind of money just sitting around... it will take us months to pay it off... in the meantime, we also know that if our insurance is going to do this with every procedure, it is not a journey we have the finances for. We are appealing this decision by the insurance company and would love your prayers as the waiting is going to be anxious filled.
I feel frustrated. I feel defeated. And there are times that, even after what seems like so little time (in the infertility world anyway), I would like to throw in the towel and resign myself to knowing that it will be just the two of us forever. Infertility causes a pain that one cannot know unless you have traveled through it yourself. There are days that you feel hopeful and on track and you just know good things are coming. And there are days, like today, that you feel like if you see one more bulging baby belly or hear one more cliche' phrase like "It'll happen","You've still got time", "God ALWAYS knows best".... you would like to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again. You see, those phrases only sound good to those who are sharing them. I'm not doubting God or his BEST for me. I'm not losing hope, I'm just having a rough day.
We don't know whether we will be able to continue treatments. The financial burden is heavy. The clomid, so far, does not seem to be doing the trick for getting me ovulating. Next step would be a higher dose of Clomid. Dr. Pete will only up the dosage one more time before he recommends Intra-uterine insemination, where they inject the sperm directly where it needs to go at the appropriate time. The costs when we go to this procedure jump up considerable from the $40-$60/ month we are paying now. On top of that, again, the insurance company will not pay much of it. And if that doesn't work, then it's on to IVF, but again, big financial burden. Next? Would be adoption... an even bigger expense both financially and emotionally.
At any rate you can see why our minds are wandering to the what "ifs" of this journey. We're just not sure what God has planned. And it scares us to think that His plan might be for us to be "just the two of us" for the rest of our lives. We wonder... is this insurance scare, the Lord closing the door on our infertility journey? Or is it him opening a door to be able to show how Amazing our God is? Or is it just a way for us to be brought back to Him... to trust Him... to give our worries and anxieties to Him? I don't know... right now I feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities.
It is hard to watch my husband's face and eyes light up as a child walks into the room. Or watch him rush to his niece to make her smile and kiss her precious cheeks. Beautiful, but hard, because that's how it's supposed to be only I can't give that to him... The pain of watching him cry over not being a father yet, is more unbearable than the pain that my empty arms cause me. It is physically painful to watch him and to share his sadness. He is such a good man.. He deserves to be a daddy and I know that if that Lord grants us that blessing, he will be the BEST!
For now, we continue putting one foot in front of the other. We continue waking up to a new morning each day. We press on the only way we know how.... by putting on a smile and expressing thankfulness for every day we are given and all the ways God has provided so far. We hold on to the hope of the things we haven't seen and can't imagine. We accept our infertility as an opportunity to reach out to others and to grow in our trust. And we dream... we never stop dreaming about all the possibilities!
We were faced this week with a situation that may cause us to make the very difficult decision to take a break from our baby journey. Back in February, I had exploratory surgery that was the basis for getting us started on infertility meds. At the time, we received a letter of approval from our insurance company, and knowing that they were going to cover the surgery 100% we moved forward with the surgery and after that the infertility meds. Now, 6 months later, we received notification from them stating that those claims were paid in error and we are responsible for over $2000 worth of medical bills. We do not have that kind of money just sitting around... it will take us months to pay it off... in the meantime, we also know that if our insurance is going to do this with every procedure, it is not a journey we have the finances for. We are appealing this decision by the insurance company and would love your prayers as the waiting is going to be anxious filled.
I feel frustrated. I feel defeated. And there are times that, even after what seems like so little time (in the infertility world anyway), I would like to throw in the towel and resign myself to knowing that it will be just the two of us forever. Infertility causes a pain that one cannot know unless you have traveled through it yourself. There are days that you feel hopeful and on track and you just know good things are coming. And there are days, like today, that you feel like if you see one more bulging baby belly or hear one more cliche' phrase like "It'll happen","You've still got time", "God ALWAYS knows best".... you would like to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day again. You see, those phrases only sound good to those who are sharing them. I'm not doubting God or his BEST for me. I'm not losing hope, I'm just having a rough day.
We don't know whether we will be able to continue treatments. The financial burden is heavy. The clomid, so far, does not seem to be doing the trick for getting me ovulating. Next step would be a higher dose of Clomid. Dr. Pete will only up the dosage one more time before he recommends Intra-uterine insemination, where they inject the sperm directly where it needs to go at the appropriate time. The costs when we go to this procedure jump up considerable from the $40-$60/ month we are paying now. On top of that, again, the insurance company will not pay much of it. And if that doesn't work, then it's on to IVF, but again, big financial burden. Next? Would be adoption... an even bigger expense both financially and emotionally.
At any rate you can see why our minds are wandering to the what "ifs" of this journey. We're just not sure what God has planned. And it scares us to think that His plan might be for us to be "just the two of us" for the rest of our lives. We wonder... is this insurance scare, the Lord closing the door on our infertility journey? Or is it him opening a door to be able to show how Amazing our God is? Or is it just a way for us to be brought back to Him... to trust Him... to give our worries and anxieties to Him? I don't know... right now I feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities.
It is hard to watch my husband's face and eyes light up as a child walks into the room. Or watch him rush to his niece to make her smile and kiss her precious cheeks. Beautiful, but hard, because that's how it's supposed to be only I can't give that to him... The pain of watching him cry over not being a father yet, is more unbearable than the pain that my empty arms cause me. It is physically painful to watch him and to share his sadness. He is such a good man.. He deserves to be a daddy and I know that if that Lord grants us that blessing, he will be the BEST!
For now, we continue putting one foot in front of the other. We continue waking up to a new morning each day. We press on the only way we know how.... by putting on a smile and expressing thankfulness for every day we are given and all the ways God has provided so far. We hold on to the hope of the things we haven't seen and can't imagine. We accept our infertility as an opportunity to reach out to others and to grow in our trust. And we dream... we never stop dreaming about all the possibilities!
7.08.2010
Be Strong in the Lord
Next week Wednesday, we will be filling in as youth pastor (and wife) for the Grace Youth Group. Pastor Karl and Jess with Evie and Anthony are moving to South Carolina to complete their schooling. While Grace looks for a new youth pastor, they have asked us to serve as the interim leader. We are excited. But to be quite honest, I am feeling a little bit unprepared to carry out this role. I know that because the Lord is allowing us to fill in, he will equip us with all that we need to reach the students and be a light to them, but I'm still a bit uneasy. That is just my own pride and fears coming in. Something I need to put behind me and step forward knowing He is my strength.
Last night was the last time that Pastor Karl would speak with the students. Heath and I attended the meeting, to be introduced (although we already know most of them)and to accept the passing torch, so to speak. It was a tearful night... many heavy hearts. We are so excited to see God moving them, but not excited that it's away from us. He gave the students a challenge and I thought it fitting to express the way in which the challenge hit me. The challenge was based on the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. Here's what he challenged, from my point of view... based on what Heath and I are dealing with. Pastor Karl's challenges came from the words of the chorus.
Be Strong in the Lord
Throughout this journey we've been very aware of the fact that our strength is not enough. There is no person in this world strong enough to walk through the hurt and emotional pain that infertility causes. No, our strength comes from the Lord. With his strength, we press on. Not only are we gaining strength from Him to get us through this journey, but we are growing stronger in Him... learning more and more about Him and his plans for us and our family. Our faith has become stronger than ever as we rely on HIM to pull us through and come out victoriously on the other side.
Never Give Up Hope
There is not a set of words more pertinent to our situation than these. We have to constantly remember that He has a plan for our lives. We must not lose hope, we must not give up, we must only put our faith in Him and keep pressing on.
You're Gonna Do Great Things, I Already Know
We may get caught up in what we don't have, but it's important for us to always remember, that God sees the big picture. Frustrating sometimes to know that we can only see here and now, but comforting to know that God already knows what GREAT things He's going to allow us to do and what GREAT plans He has for our future.
God's Got His Hand on You, So Don't Live Life in Fear
No matter what the journey is that you are on... there is no reason to fear. When we worry over our situation, something that I am really good at, we are saying to God that He's not able to handle it. There is nothing farther from the truth. He is the Great Healer, the Protector, the Comforter, the Shepherd, our Loving Father, and our Faithful Guide... there is nothing too big for Him and He is constantly holding us... constantly providing little things that we often take for granted. Don't fear, He's got it covered!
Forgive and Forget, but Don't Forget Why You're Here
That may be one of the things we forget the most... why we're here. My sole purpose in life is to glorify God. He may send things my way, like infertility, that we wouldn't wish on anyone, but I can still Glorify God through that situation. That's why I'm here... that's the only good reason why Heath and I would be dealing with infertility... so that through it others may see our Awesome God and glorify our Father in Heaven.
Take Time to Pray and Thank God for each Day
That's one thing that Heath and I are still learning... the prayer part. We pray often regarding our dreams of having a baby. Our prayer is always that he would grant us our desires, but also that we would be glorifying Him and that we would be patient for His perfect timing. But I wonder... Do we really pray enough? Do we Thank Him for each day that we have? We have been so blessed to have one another and to be able to share this time, just the two of us. I LOVE that! I LOVE that I can selflessly pour myself into Heath and not have to be concerned with things that come along with being parents. At the same time, I long for that... what I don't want, though, is for us to become so wrapped up in trying to have a family that we forget to enjoy the days we have and thank Him for them.
Father God, you spoke to me through Karl's devo last night. God, I pray that you would continue to speak to me. Help me to listen and be ready to act on what I hear from you. I thank you for what you've already given us and I praise you for what I know you will bless us with in the future. In the meantime, as we wait on You, I thank you for the days we have now, just the two of us. I thank you for the time that we have to learn from other parents and to learn to love each other and you more and more each day. Please hold us closely to your heart in the painful waiting. We know there is no other place we'd rather be. We love you and we praise you!
Last night was the last time that Pastor Karl would speak with the students. Heath and I attended the meeting, to be introduced (although we already know most of them)and to accept the passing torch, so to speak. It was a tearful night... many heavy hearts. We are so excited to see God moving them, but not excited that it's away from us. He gave the students a challenge and I thought it fitting to express the way in which the challenge hit me. The challenge was based on the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. Here's what he challenged, from my point of view... based on what Heath and I are dealing with. Pastor Karl's challenges came from the words of the chorus.
Be Strong in the Lord
Throughout this journey we've been very aware of the fact that our strength is not enough. There is no person in this world strong enough to walk through the hurt and emotional pain that infertility causes. No, our strength comes from the Lord. With his strength, we press on. Not only are we gaining strength from Him to get us through this journey, but we are growing stronger in Him... learning more and more about Him and his plans for us and our family. Our faith has become stronger than ever as we rely on HIM to pull us through and come out victoriously on the other side.
Never Give Up Hope
There is not a set of words more pertinent to our situation than these. We have to constantly remember that He has a plan for our lives. We must not lose hope, we must not give up, we must only put our faith in Him and keep pressing on.
You're Gonna Do Great Things, I Already Know
We may get caught up in what we don't have, but it's important for us to always remember, that God sees the big picture. Frustrating sometimes to know that we can only see here and now, but comforting to know that God already knows what GREAT things He's going to allow us to do and what GREAT plans He has for our future.
God's Got His Hand on You, So Don't Live Life in Fear
No matter what the journey is that you are on... there is no reason to fear. When we worry over our situation, something that I am really good at, we are saying to God that He's not able to handle it. There is nothing farther from the truth. He is the Great Healer, the Protector, the Comforter, the Shepherd, our Loving Father, and our Faithful Guide... there is nothing too big for Him and He is constantly holding us... constantly providing little things that we often take for granted. Don't fear, He's got it covered!
Forgive and Forget, but Don't Forget Why You're Here
That may be one of the things we forget the most... why we're here. My sole purpose in life is to glorify God. He may send things my way, like infertility, that we wouldn't wish on anyone, but I can still Glorify God through that situation. That's why I'm here... that's the only good reason why Heath and I would be dealing with infertility... so that through it others may see our Awesome God and glorify our Father in Heaven.
Take Time to Pray and Thank God for each Day
That's one thing that Heath and I are still learning... the prayer part. We pray often regarding our dreams of having a baby. Our prayer is always that he would grant us our desires, but also that we would be glorifying Him and that we would be patient for His perfect timing. But I wonder... Do we really pray enough? Do we Thank Him for each day that we have? We have been so blessed to have one another and to be able to share this time, just the two of us. I LOVE that! I LOVE that I can selflessly pour myself into Heath and not have to be concerned with things that come along with being parents. At the same time, I long for that... what I don't want, though, is for us to become so wrapped up in trying to have a family that we forget to enjoy the days we have and thank Him for them.
Father God, you spoke to me through Karl's devo last night. God, I pray that you would continue to speak to me. Help me to listen and be ready to act on what I hear from you. I thank you for what you've already given us and I praise you for what I know you will bless us with in the future. In the meantime, as we wait on You, I thank you for the days we have now, just the two of us. I thank you for the time that we have to learn from other parents and to learn to love each other and you more and more each day. Please hold us closely to your heart in the painful waiting. We know there is no other place we'd rather be. We love you and we praise you!
7.05.2010
Update on Round 3
I begin this post with a heavy heart. So far, this round of fertility treatments, our 3rd, is not showing positive signs of it working. While I have faithfully been testing for ovulation each day, it seems that my body has different ideas. No ovulation yet! Frustrating beyond all measure! I don't quite understand what I should expect or what I should feel. I guess I just expected this next round with the higher dosage to produce more positive results. Just because the test doesn't detect the LH surge that happens with ovulation, doesn't mean that I'm not ovulating...so there is still hope. I'm just disappointed that there's not a more sure way to get my body ovulating. We will wait another couple of weeks and if my body doesn't start a cycle on it's own, I will again take Provera and begin round 4 of our treatments. We see Dr. Pete in September, so it's likely that we will only get through the two cycles before we see him again.
As far as the side effects... I did have some pain in my ovaries but not unbearable and still experience some hot flashes... this time it is throughout the day rather than just at night as before. Also enjoyed some mornings of nausea for the first couple days of the meds. I will admit that I was expecting more with this higher dosage. While I am happy that things were bearable, I almost feel like if the side effects were a bit more unbearable, I would feel more positive that the meds were working. Don't know if that's the case or not, but that's how I think.
At any rate, that's what's ben going on with this round of treatments. Nothing to write home about, but we're not losing hope. I love it when Heath holds me as we cry and says "Don't lose hope, Babe! Don't give up... we will have a family!" He is my rock on this earth. My encourager. The only one I would want to be going through this with.
Father, we know that our timing is not always yours. We wait with open arms and softened hearts for the perfect timing that you have for us to become parents. We feel like we're ready, but we also know that you are the only one who truly knows when the exact best time is. Please help us to hold close to you and to one another and to glorify you in everything we say and do throughout this journey. We love you and we praise you for what you have already blessed us with and for what you will bless us with. Amen!
As far as the side effects... I did have some pain in my ovaries but not unbearable and still experience some hot flashes... this time it is throughout the day rather than just at night as before. Also enjoyed some mornings of nausea for the first couple days of the meds. I will admit that I was expecting more with this higher dosage. While I am happy that things were bearable, I almost feel like if the side effects were a bit more unbearable, I would feel more positive that the meds were working. Don't know if that's the case or not, but that's how I think.
At any rate, that's what's ben going on with this round of treatments. Nothing to write home about, but we're not losing hope. I love it when Heath holds me as we cry and says "Don't lose hope, Babe! Don't give up... we will have a family!" He is my rock on this earth. My encourager. The only one I would want to be going through this with.
Father, we know that our timing is not always yours. We wait with open arms and softened hearts for the perfect timing that you have for us to become parents. We feel like we're ready, but we also know that you are the only one who truly knows when the exact best time is. Please help us to hold close to you and to one another and to glorify you in everything we say and do throughout this journey. We love you and we praise you for what you have already blessed us with and for what you will bless us with. Amen!
6.21.2010
Our God
I often sit in church and listen to Pastor Kevin and wonder how he knows what I need to hear. Or how he knew that the songs that he chose would affect me and reach me in the way that they do. Then I realize even as I think that, that he had know way of knowing, but praise God that the ONE who is guiding his words and the music that he chooses knows... every time, every word, every song, was designed specifically for me... and specifically for you... and specifically for each person in attendance.
I also think, why is it that every message draws to remembrance our struggle with infertility and how God fits into that? Or, rather, how our infertility fits into God's plan for us. There are days that go by that infertility is the furthest thing from my mind. I get wrapped up in my husband, or work, or church, or small group, or whatever it may be and I don't think about the fact that our arms are still empty. Then there are other days, like today, that it's difficult to hold the tears and the aching of my heart at bay.
I cuddled with Jessi quite a bit today. She soothes my soul, makes me smile, and helps me to realize the importance of here and now. It's not good to always dwell on what the future holds. I'm not saying it's not good to plan or that it's bad to dream... oh no, not by an stretch. Rather, it's good to remember not to let the moments we have now pass us by without praising God, thanking Him, and enjoying those moments we have. As I snuggled with her, watched her smile and coo, and rocked her to sleep, I pondered what it would be like to have my own child. One that is part me and part Heath. One that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day, but that we get to have and hold and raise. It's going to be amazing. It's hard to stay upbeat and focused when thinking about it... especially after all the new babies lately... I'm wishing I could trade places with the new moms.
At any rate, as I was thinking on these things, God, as always, brought to mind a song we sang in church yesterday. I couldn't hold back the tears, because I felt like it was written for me. I'm getting better at not feeling ashamed at my tears and the fact that I feel the words when I worship God in church. They were perfect, reminding me how Great, Mighty, Powerful, our God is. I, of course, immediately thought of our infertility... the meds, the doctors, the tests, the diagnosis, the frustrations, the waiting, the tears, etc... Our God is greater than those things, He's stronger than any medicine we could try, He's our Healer... and because I know He's for us and with us, there's nothing that can stop us and nothing that can stand against us. Praise Him for his goodness, greatness, awesome power! What an awesome Father He is... Our God!
Tomorrow we will begin our 3rd round of fertility meds. I will take 100 mg of Clomid each morning for the next 5 days. Our biggest prayer is not necessarily that we get pregnant this month, although that is our ultimate goal, instead, we are praying that we will be able to see signs that my body is responding to the medicine and that the side effects are not too unbearable. While I only experienced hot flashes at night on the 50mg, I'm not sure what to expect, but I do expect more. It will be a while before we will know whether my body is responding in the right way...ovulation. So our prayer is also that peace will be abounding and we will feel His loving arms in the waiting. Please pray with us and thank you, thank you, thank you for your many notes of encouragement, your excitement in what we know will be an awesome future regardless of whether we are blessed to be parents, and your many, many prayers. They are the most genuine way that we can see God in this journey. Bless you, my friends!
I also think, why is it that every message draws to remembrance our struggle with infertility and how God fits into that? Or, rather, how our infertility fits into God's plan for us. There are days that go by that infertility is the furthest thing from my mind. I get wrapped up in my husband, or work, or church, or small group, or whatever it may be and I don't think about the fact that our arms are still empty. Then there are other days, like today, that it's difficult to hold the tears and the aching of my heart at bay.
I cuddled with Jessi quite a bit today. She soothes my soul, makes me smile, and helps me to realize the importance of here and now. It's not good to always dwell on what the future holds. I'm not saying it's not good to plan or that it's bad to dream... oh no, not by an stretch. Rather, it's good to remember not to let the moments we have now pass us by without praising God, thanking Him, and enjoying those moments we have. As I snuggled with her, watched her smile and coo, and rocked her to sleep, I pondered what it would be like to have my own child. One that is part me and part Heath. One that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day, but that we get to have and hold and raise. It's going to be amazing. It's hard to stay upbeat and focused when thinking about it... especially after all the new babies lately... I'm wishing I could trade places with the new moms.
At any rate, as I was thinking on these things, God, as always, brought to mind a song we sang in church yesterday. I couldn't hold back the tears, because I felt like it was written for me. I'm getting better at not feeling ashamed at my tears and the fact that I feel the words when I worship God in church. They were perfect, reminding me how Great, Mighty, Powerful, our God is. I, of course, immediately thought of our infertility... the meds, the doctors, the tests, the diagnosis, the frustrations, the waiting, the tears, etc... Our God is greater than those things, He's stronger than any medicine we could try, He's our Healer... and because I know He's for us and with us, there's nothing that can stop us and nothing that can stand against us. Praise Him for his goodness, greatness, awesome power! What an awesome Father He is... Our God!
Tomorrow we will begin our 3rd round of fertility meds. I will take 100 mg of Clomid each morning for the next 5 days. Our biggest prayer is not necessarily that we get pregnant this month, although that is our ultimate goal, instead, we are praying that we will be able to see signs that my body is responding to the medicine and that the side effects are not too unbearable. While I only experienced hot flashes at night on the 50mg, I'm not sure what to expect, but I do expect more. It will be a while before we will know whether my body is responding in the right way...ovulation. So our prayer is also that peace will be abounding and we will feel His loving arms in the waiting. Please pray with us and thank you, thank you, thank you for your many notes of encouragement, your excitement in what we know will be an awesome future regardless of whether we are blessed to be parents, and your many, many prayers. They are the most genuine way that we can see God in this journey. Bless you, my friends!
6.16.2010
Babies, Babies, Babies!
Well as of a week and a half ago, I am no longer employed at NorthPointe Christian Schools. It feels good... I know that I am where God wants me. At the same time, it is a little scary not having a full time job. I am now employed watching my niece, Jessi, for the summer. I watch her on M, W, and F. It is a bittersweet job... I LOVE having her here and I feel like a mommy on the days that I watch her. I guess that's the bitter part. The fact that she leaves at the end of the day. Granted, I'm exhausted and ready for break, but nothing compares to cuddling with that precious baby girl during the day. Feeding her and watching her play and learn to roll over and now teeth. It's just amazing. Some days I just sit and stare at her, because she is such a testimony of God's love. Such a picture of our Creator. Not just her, but any baby.
My living room now holds a toy bin and a baby swing. If you go in the dining room, you will find Jessi's pack 'n play. One step in the garage and you will spot the stroller that we use for walks. And finally, a glimpse of her in the truck where her carseat base is buckled in awaiting our next ride to the grocery store or to see Grandma and Grandpa Smith. It's those things that make the sweetness of having her M, W, F, a bit bitter... those reminders of what I long for, but don't have. I'm not complaining though... I will take every moment I am given with her and I will praise God for those moments during the moments I don't have her.
It's funny, the things we think we will do as parents. For instance, all those baby contraptions I mentioned... I always thought when we had children, I'd have to have a specific place for them and they'd all have to match and I be senile about keeping all the things picked up and in order. It's amazing how those things kind of fly out the window. I realize that the thing that is most important, is not whether my house is in tip top shape, although it usually tends to be... but more importantly whether I am spending quality time with my family. So I admit, my house is not neat during the day.. toys are strewn on the floor, bottle lay on the couch and nearest stand, their are spots of powdery formula on the counter, and blankets and dirty clothes lie where they were dropped. And you know what.. that's ok. After Jessi leaves, I go around and tidy these things, knowing throughout the day, that they will always be there when I get to them... the baby, though, someday she's going to grow up and I won't have those precious moments with her. Goodness! I sound like she's mine. I don't mean it that way... not in the least... I mean it as an aunt who has the privilege of caring for her niece for 3 days a week. I love that little girl and all of my nieces and nephews. What a treat it is to be able to share in her milestones as a baby.
Speaking of nieces and nephews... About an hour ago, I received the call I've been waiting for, for 2 days! Nikki finally had her baby, my newest niece. Mackenna Autumn weighed in at 8lbs, 13oz; was 20 1/2 inches long and I hear she has chubby little cheeks, just like a Guernsey. I am keeping myself busy and writing this blog so that I do not loose my mind, pack my bags, jump in the truck, and head down there to kiss those cheeks. Instead, I will think about them all night long, have restless sleep, and get up tomorrow morning to head to Hastings to see them. Can't wait! I have a little onesie that I bought for her that says "Anything boys can do, Girls can do better!" Excited to give that to Nikki. It is so something she would put on her little girl.
Anyway... now you know why my post reads Babies, Babies, Babies! There are so many babies around... I love them, but I have to admit, I wish one of them were mine! Someday soon, maybe! Until then, I'll keep loving on the ones I have around me and enjoy every minute I spend with each of them. Thank you Lord, for those precious memories I am able to make with my nieces.
My living room now holds a toy bin and a baby swing. If you go in the dining room, you will find Jessi's pack 'n play. One step in the garage and you will spot the stroller that we use for walks. And finally, a glimpse of her in the truck where her carseat base is buckled in awaiting our next ride to the grocery store or to see Grandma and Grandpa Smith. It's those things that make the sweetness of having her M, W, F, a bit bitter... those reminders of what I long for, but don't have. I'm not complaining though... I will take every moment I am given with her and I will praise God for those moments during the moments I don't have her.
It's funny, the things we think we will do as parents. For instance, all those baby contraptions I mentioned... I always thought when we had children, I'd have to have a specific place for them and they'd all have to match and I be senile about keeping all the things picked up and in order. It's amazing how those things kind of fly out the window. I realize that the thing that is most important, is not whether my house is in tip top shape, although it usually tends to be... but more importantly whether I am spending quality time with my family. So I admit, my house is not neat during the day.. toys are strewn on the floor, bottle lay on the couch and nearest stand, their are spots of powdery formula on the counter, and blankets and dirty clothes lie where they were dropped. And you know what.. that's ok. After Jessi leaves, I go around and tidy these things, knowing throughout the day, that they will always be there when I get to them... the baby, though, someday she's going to grow up and I won't have those precious moments with her. Goodness! I sound like she's mine. I don't mean it that way... not in the least... I mean it as an aunt who has the privilege of caring for her niece for 3 days a week. I love that little girl and all of my nieces and nephews. What a treat it is to be able to share in her milestones as a baby.
Speaking of nieces and nephews... About an hour ago, I received the call I've been waiting for, for 2 days! Nikki finally had her baby, my newest niece. Mackenna Autumn weighed in at 8lbs, 13oz; was 20 1/2 inches long and I hear she has chubby little cheeks, just like a Guernsey. I am keeping myself busy and writing this blog so that I do not loose my mind, pack my bags, jump in the truck, and head down there to kiss those cheeks. Instead, I will think about them all night long, have restless sleep, and get up tomorrow morning to head to Hastings to see them. Can't wait! I have a little onesie that I bought for her that says "Anything boys can do, Girls can do better!" Excited to give that to Nikki. It is so something she would put on her little girl.
Anyway... now you know why my post reads Babies, Babies, Babies! There are so many babies around... I love them, but I have to admit, I wish one of them were mine! Someday soon, maybe! Until then, I'll keep loving on the ones I have around me and enjoy every minute I spend with each of them. Thank you Lord, for those precious memories I am able to make with my nieces.
6.14.2010
Today We Celebrate!
Today we celebrate 2 years of marriage... What a sweet day it is. I'd love to take a moment just to brag on my husband, my best friend, my man!
He is the one who tucks me in at night and kisses me awake in the morning. The one who holds me through thick and thin. He is my encourager, my biggest fan, the most important person here on earth to me. He loves me when I'm quite unlovely and encourages me to be better than I am. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to the 4:30 bell just to know that within the next 10 minutes, the garage door will go up, the side door will open, and I will hear "Hey Baby, How was your Day?" I love that time of day. When no matter how frustrating, event filled, or boring my day was, everything seems right, because my partner is home.
Two years ago today, we said "I Do" and he whisked me away to the best week of my life. I thought I would share with you our vows... the words we said to each other 730 days ago and the words that still hold true today. I guess it doesn't seem like that long ago, and it's not, but the thing is... it seems like forever. I don't remember not being married to him, or coming home after work to an empty house and dinner by myself... it feels like we've always been together and I know we always will. Anyway! Enough mushiness... below are our vows that we wrote for our day. I love to look back at them and remember that day... it was beautiful and the most amazing day in my life. It was a day that I dreamed about for so long and finally God granted my desires to be a wife and to have a husband. I have no doubts that the first day we welcome a child into our home will be just as wonderful. And yet again, God will prove how Awesome He is and how His timing is PERFECT!
Our Vows- 6/14/08
I love you (Heath/Lisa). You are my best friend. As I marry you, I make this lifelong and unchanging commitment to know and love God and to know and love you. I promise to encourage you, to inspire you, to laugh with you and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, respect you, prize you above all others and remain faithful to you as long as we both shall live.
He is the one who tucks me in at night and kisses me awake in the morning. The one who holds me through thick and thin. He is my encourager, my biggest fan, the most important person here on earth to me. He loves me when I'm quite unlovely and encourages me to be better than I am. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to the 4:30 bell just to know that within the next 10 minutes, the garage door will go up, the side door will open, and I will hear "Hey Baby, How was your Day?" I love that time of day. When no matter how frustrating, event filled, or boring my day was, everything seems right, because my partner is home.
Two years ago today, we said "I Do" and he whisked me away to the best week of my life. I thought I would share with you our vows... the words we said to each other 730 days ago and the words that still hold true today. I guess it doesn't seem like that long ago, and it's not, but the thing is... it seems like forever. I don't remember not being married to him, or coming home after work to an empty house and dinner by myself... it feels like we've always been together and I know we always will. Anyway! Enough mushiness... below are our vows that we wrote for our day. I love to look back at them and remember that day... it was beautiful and the most amazing day in my life. It was a day that I dreamed about for so long and finally God granted my desires to be a wife and to have a husband. I have no doubts that the first day we welcome a child into our home will be just as wonderful. And yet again, God will prove how Awesome He is and how His timing is PERFECT!
Our Vows- 6/14/08
I love you (Heath/Lisa). You are my best friend. As I marry you, I make this lifelong and unchanging commitment to know and love God and to know and love you. I promise to encourage you, to inspire you, to laugh with you and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, respect you, prize you above all others and remain faithful to you as long as we both shall live.
6.10.2010
Evaluation and Med Changes
We had our next doctor's appt today with Dr. Pete. Can I just say, I have the best doctor around! He seems genuinely interested in our case and has an understanding of our desires. It's awesome to feel like he's there for us, not just to shuffle us through and collect our money, but to make our dreams our realities!
After going through the last three months with meds that my body didn't seem to respond to, I will admit, we entered the office a little discouraged and unsure of what the outcome of the visit would be. We want to be parents yesterday. These things take time, though, so we press on and jump through all of the hoops in hopes of achieving our ultimate goal... to raise a God-honoring family... in HIS time, not our own.
With PCOS, it is very common for women to have higher levels of testosterone in their bodies than estrogen. As any PCOS woman, I exhibit these same frustrating side effects. Dr. Pete believes that is the reason that my body did not respond to the 50mg of Clomid that I have been taking. On the positive side, I only had to endure nighttime hot flashes during the first dose, but by the second dose, they were gone. That is an encouraging thing, since now we have upped the dosage... doubled it actually to 100mg (for days 3-7 of my cycle) for the next three months. Unless of course, God allows us to conceive before the 3 months is up. If not we will try this dosage until September 9 when we will return to Dr. Pete to evaluate where we are and where we will go from there.
I did have a chance to ask Dr. Pete a few of the questions that have come up over the past few months. I wrote them down as they came to me, so I wouldn't forget. I will have to remember to do that again, because I felt so much more informed after leaving this time. One of our biggest questions had to do with the timing of things. Why is it necessary to do the different dosages for 3 months? If it doesn't get me ovulating, can't we bump it up right away? Dr. Pete's answer was, we can, but this way, my body gets used to the side effects of the meds and I won't suffer as many for as long. Ok. I'm ok with that. My heart still wants to rush through the dosages though... I don't want to waste time. Then, even as I say that, I realize that were not wasting time. We are moving at God's pace and we are enjoying each and every day we have with just the two of us... knowing that soon our lives will be turned upside down (in a good way) and we will be parents!
In the meantime, our other concern was my endometriosis and what that might be doing as we continue waiting. There are two treatments for it... pregnancy or hormone therapy. Obviously we are going with the pregnancy treatment, but in the meantime, I wonder what the endo is doing in there. We did pose this question to Dr. Pete. His response was as I suspected... there really is know test or u/s they can do that could tell us.. the only way is with another laporoscopy. At this point, we are trusting that God is holding that at bay. We are not ready to halt the fertility treatments to do a laparoscopy. It's unlikely that it is changing much since I am having periods, despite the fact that they are drug induced.
Anyway, that is our most recent update on the baby front. Hoping to be able to share some really good news in the next month or so. We'll see what the Lord has planned! Until then! Blessings, my faithful readers!
After going through the last three months with meds that my body didn't seem to respond to, I will admit, we entered the office a little discouraged and unsure of what the outcome of the visit would be. We want to be parents yesterday. These things take time, though, so we press on and jump through all of the hoops in hopes of achieving our ultimate goal... to raise a God-honoring family... in HIS time, not our own.
With PCOS, it is very common for women to have higher levels of testosterone in their bodies than estrogen. As any PCOS woman, I exhibit these same frustrating side effects. Dr. Pete believes that is the reason that my body did not respond to the 50mg of Clomid that I have been taking. On the positive side, I only had to endure nighttime hot flashes during the first dose, but by the second dose, they were gone. That is an encouraging thing, since now we have upped the dosage... doubled it actually to 100mg (for days 3-7 of my cycle) for the next three months. Unless of course, God allows us to conceive before the 3 months is up. If not we will try this dosage until September 9 when we will return to Dr. Pete to evaluate where we are and where we will go from there.
I did have a chance to ask Dr. Pete a few of the questions that have come up over the past few months. I wrote them down as they came to me, so I wouldn't forget. I will have to remember to do that again, because I felt so much more informed after leaving this time. One of our biggest questions had to do with the timing of things. Why is it necessary to do the different dosages for 3 months? If it doesn't get me ovulating, can't we bump it up right away? Dr. Pete's answer was, we can, but this way, my body gets used to the side effects of the meds and I won't suffer as many for as long. Ok. I'm ok with that. My heart still wants to rush through the dosages though... I don't want to waste time. Then, even as I say that, I realize that were not wasting time. We are moving at God's pace and we are enjoying each and every day we have with just the two of us... knowing that soon our lives will be turned upside down (in a good way) and we will be parents!
In the meantime, our other concern was my endometriosis and what that might be doing as we continue waiting. There are two treatments for it... pregnancy or hormone therapy. Obviously we are going with the pregnancy treatment, but in the meantime, I wonder what the endo is doing in there. We did pose this question to Dr. Pete. His response was as I suspected... there really is know test or u/s they can do that could tell us.. the only way is with another laporoscopy. At this point, we are trusting that God is holding that at bay. We are not ready to halt the fertility treatments to do a laparoscopy. It's unlikely that it is changing much since I am having periods, despite the fact that they are drug induced.
Anyway, that is our most recent update on the baby front. Hoping to be able to share some really good news in the next month or so. We'll see what the Lord has planned! Until then! Blessings, my faithful readers!
5.17.2010
It's been a while since I've posted and a few things have happened. I said goodbye to my 20s and hello to my 30s one week ago today...makes me want to cry! It's funny how God's plan for our life plays out. In my mind, since I was young I had planned to have 4 kids and to have them all before I was 30 so that I was still young and energetic to raise them. Ha! Apparently God has a different plan, and that's ok, because as I look back at my last 30 years, now, there isn't anything I would change. I wouldn't trade the long wait for my husband, he's amazing! And I wouldn't trade this wait that I am enduring for our family... it will be amazing! Thank you, Lord, for giving us strength to allow your plan to prevail.
We had a bridal shower for my cousin this past weekend. It was pretty fun, and I'm really thankful there weren't 5 pregnant ladies at this one. Not that I don't love them all and rejoice in their joy... it's just that it's such an in-your-face reminder... I don't know that I have words to describe the way it hits me. At times there's overwhelming hurt that all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep away the pain... and at other times there is overwhelming joy and hope that fills me. Explain that?!? I can't... it's just how it is.
Heath and I spent my birthday weekend up north at the cabin. It was BRRR! cold... only about 58 in the cabin, but then that made for some lovely cuddle nights! It was nice to get away and take a break just the two of us!
This week, Friday, will be day 28 in our second round of fertility treatments. We'll see if our efforts this month have produced the desired results... a baby! If not, we'll be disappointed, but we will also know that God has something else planned. Again we will wait until Day 40 to begin our next treatment, that will be June 3. Since we have another appt with Dr. Pete on June 10, we will likely wait until then to start the next round in hopes that he will up the dosage of Clomid and that will get me ovulating. I am prepared to go to that appt with many questions. We never know what to ask until we've gotten started on the treatments. Now that we have more understanding, we have more questions... that's strange, that more understanding produces more questions. It seems like it would be the other way around! Oh well!
In the meantime, we continue to struggle although it's getting to be less... or maybe it's just that we are learning to handle it better. The Lord is giving us strength and we know that our faith is growing, for that we are thankful! Please pray with us as we proceed in our journey. We're not sure where we are headed or what the outcome will be, but we are hopeful. We know that He still has something planned and it is for our best. We love you all and we are so thankful for the way you have lifted us up thus far. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
We had a bridal shower for my cousin this past weekend. It was pretty fun, and I'm really thankful there weren't 5 pregnant ladies at this one. Not that I don't love them all and rejoice in their joy... it's just that it's such an in-your-face reminder... I don't know that I have words to describe the way it hits me. At times there's overwhelming hurt that all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep away the pain... and at other times there is overwhelming joy and hope that fills me. Explain that?!? I can't... it's just how it is.
Heath and I spent my birthday weekend up north at the cabin. It was BRRR! cold... only about 58 in the cabin, but then that made for some lovely cuddle nights! It was nice to get away and take a break just the two of us!
This week, Friday, will be day 28 in our second round of fertility treatments. We'll see if our efforts this month have produced the desired results... a baby! If not, we'll be disappointed, but we will also know that God has something else planned. Again we will wait until Day 40 to begin our next treatment, that will be June 3. Since we have another appt with Dr. Pete on June 10, we will likely wait until then to start the next round in hopes that he will up the dosage of Clomid and that will get me ovulating. I am prepared to go to that appt with many questions. We never know what to ask until we've gotten started on the treatments. Now that we have more understanding, we have more questions... that's strange, that more understanding produces more questions. It seems like it would be the other way around! Oh well!
In the meantime, we continue to struggle although it's getting to be less... or maybe it's just that we are learning to handle it better. The Lord is giving us strength and we know that our faith is growing, for that we are thankful! Please pray with us as we proceed in our journey. We're not sure where we are headed or what the outcome will be, but we are hopeful. We know that He still has something planned and it is for our best. We love you all and we are so thankful for the way you have lifted us up thus far. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
5.03.2010
Attitude is a Choice!
I'm in the middle of reading a book entitled " Lord, Change My Attitude (Before It's Too Late)" by James Macdonald. I am loving the way he writes and the straight-forward yet down-to-earth way that he relates the information about our attitudes and how they affect our lives.
I have learned this... Attitude is a choice. It is not based on what is going on around us, although, those things can affect our choice. Ultimately, though, when it gets right down to it, my attitude is my choice and no one else's. The first attitude that he addresses is a complaining attitude. The author tells us about the attitude of complaining and expressed how we can completely ruin our life and forfeit God's blessing by having a complaining attitude. He uses the Israelites as an example. Long story, short, they Israelites could have been blessed with entrance into the Promised Land, they could have been blessed with a long journey made easier by God's hand, they could have been blessed with good health and all they food and water they could take in... instead, they chose to grumble and complain the entire journey, they chose to have an attitude of "woe is me" rather than "thank God for rescuing us from Egypt", they chose to bad mouth their Leader and not benefit from the blessings God offered. THEY CHOSE! And by so doing, they chose to wander in the wilderness for 40+years.
How does it apply to my life? Well, that's pretty easy. When faced with struggles that I have no control of, I can choose to praise God in the midst of it, or I can choose to grumble and complain and be forfeiting the blessing of His promise. Instead I would have the distinct "privilege", though it wouldn't be a privilege at all, of creating my own wilderness. A place where I could spend the rest of my life in unbearable heat, wandering around looking for hope, thirsting at every corner, wondering why God wasn't showing up to help me out. The truth is, He's always there, it's just that if I create this wilderness of a life in which I spend all of my time grumbling and complaining, I can't hear Him or see Him working because I'm focusing too much on my own "pain".
It's very interesting that every devotional I read, every book I pick up, every passage of scripture God points me towards, I can see how it relates to our infertility. I am so thankful for that. It is a way to remind me that there are so many others out there dealing with the same thing. It causes me to consciously make an effort to continue to cry out to God. It encourages me to know that He is faithful, he keeps His promises, and if I bless Him with my thoughts and my words and my actions, I will reap a reward beyond anything I can imagine. Our infertility is not a mistake. It was planned from the very beginning. I choose to believe that it is being used in our lives to draw us ever closer to His heart. It is a tool for forcing us to put our trust completely in Him. It it the solution to get us depending on Him fully for our happiness. We accept the challenge, Father!
I feel like I am daily faced with an opportunity to put into action what I have been reading. I am thankful for that. Only after repetition do things become habit. This past weekend I attended my sister's 2nd baby shower. I thought it might be a hard day, because the last baby shower was. There's just something about sitting and watching someone else go through all of that... it makes the desire to have it for myself so much stronger. Not only the guest of honor, but 4 others were pregnant at the shower... count them... FIVE! Nothing like having it right in your face all the time! Goodness! God was gracious, though, He granted me patience and by his grace only, was I able to choose an attitude of Hope and to breathe through the pain that threatened to spill. I won't lie.. I shed a few tears on the way home, but they were cleansing. They were tears that spoke of the hope that I have. Tears, even, of happiness at what will be someday. God is good! He knows just what I need and just when I need it. In the meantime, while I wait for God to answer our prayers of a family, I choose an attitude of Praise!
I have learned this... Attitude is a choice. It is not based on what is going on around us, although, those things can affect our choice. Ultimately, though, when it gets right down to it, my attitude is my choice and no one else's. The first attitude that he addresses is a complaining attitude. The author tells us about the attitude of complaining and expressed how we can completely ruin our life and forfeit God's blessing by having a complaining attitude. He uses the Israelites as an example. Long story, short, they Israelites could have been blessed with entrance into the Promised Land, they could have been blessed with a long journey made easier by God's hand, they could have been blessed with good health and all they food and water they could take in... instead, they chose to grumble and complain the entire journey, they chose to have an attitude of "woe is me" rather than "thank God for rescuing us from Egypt", they chose to bad mouth their Leader and not benefit from the blessings God offered. THEY CHOSE! And by so doing, they chose to wander in the wilderness for 40+years.
How does it apply to my life? Well, that's pretty easy. When faced with struggles that I have no control of, I can choose to praise God in the midst of it, or I can choose to grumble and complain and be forfeiting the blessing of His promise. Instead I would have the distinct "privilege", though it wouldn't be a privilege at all, of creating my own wilderness. A place where I could spend the rest of my life in unbearable heat, wandering around looking for hope, thirsting at every corner, wondering why God wasn't showing up to help me out. The truth is, He's always there, it's just that if I create this wilderness of a life in which I spend all of my time grumbling and complaining, I can't hear Him or see Him working because I'm focusing too much on my own "pain".
It's very interesting that every devotional I read, every book I pick up, every passage of scripture God points me towards, I can see how it relates to our infertility. I am so thankful for that. It is a way to remind me that there are so many others out there dealing with the same thing. It causes me to consciously make an effort to continue to cry out to God. It encourages me to know that He is faithful, he keeps His promises, and if I bless Him with my thoughts and my words and my actions, I will reap a reward beyond anything I can imagine. Our infertility is not a mistake. It was planned from the very beginning. I choose to believe that it is being used in our lives to draw us ever closer to His heart. It is a tool for forcing us to put our trust completely in Him. It it the solution to get us depending on Him fully for our happiness. We accept the challenge, Father!
I feel like I am daily faced with an opportunity to put into action what I have been reading. I am thankful for that. Only after repetition do things become habit. This past weekend I attended my sister's 2nd baby shower. I thought it might be a hard day, because the last baby shower was. There's just something about sitting and watching someone else go through all of that... it makes the desire to have it for myself so much stronger. Not only the guest of honor, but 4 others were pregnant at the shower... count them... FIVE! Nothing like having it right in your face all the time! Goodness! God was gracious, though, He granted me patience and by his grace only, was I able to choose an attitude of Hope and to breathe through the pain that threatened to spill. I won't lie.. I shed a few tears on the way home, but they were cleansing. They were tears that spoke of the hope that I have. Tears, even, of happiness at what will be someday. God is good! He knows just what I need and just when I need it. In the meantime, while I wait for God to answer our prayers of a family, I choose an attitude of Praise!
4.16.2010
Thinking Back on April 16, 1989
On this day, 21 years ago, we lost my Grandpa Stampfler. I remember the day so vividly, despite the fact that I was only 9 years old.
It was a Sunday. After church Mom, Dad, and us kids had headed into town to grab some burgers for a quick lunch at home. I remember it being a beautiful, warm day, much like today, because we had the windows open letting the breeze blow in. Just as we got ready to sit down to eat, the phone rang. It was Grandma and she wanted to talk to Mom. When Mom got on the phone, Grandma told her that she couldn't find Grandpa anywhere, but the vehicles were around and she was worried. She had called all of the kids down. We left our burgers on the table where we had placed them. All of us packed back into the car and away we went. Not knowing how long it would be, Mom and Dad dropped us off at our friends house, the Cook's. We were going to play with them for the afternoon. Only I distinctly remember feeling very anxious about whatever was going on down at the farm and it was difficult for me to want to do anything. When we got to Cook's house, they were sitting down for dinner. I remember they were having pancakes and since we hadn't eaten, they invited us to join them. I didn't... the others did. I sat in an old rocking chair next to the dinner table and rocked and rocked and rocked. I will never forget that feeling of anxiety and fear at what was to come.
What seemed like days later, but was really only hours later, Mom and Dad came back to get us. I knew the news was bad when Mom walked in with red eyes... that told me she'd been crying. Dad looked very solemn and didn't really say much when we asked if they'd found Grandpa. The Cook's all went for a walk, while Mom and Dad and us kids sat at their picnic table under their shed. They told us something that I will never forget. Grandpa was dead. While Grandma was at church, he had taken his shot gun, went out by one of the barns and ended his life. I didn't understand. I remember asking lots of questions, for which Mom and Dad, and anyone else for that matter, had no answers. Pretty quickly, we packed up what we had brought with us, and headed back to the farm with the rest of the family.
I remember wondering why Grandpa would do that. He loved us didn't he? Didn't he want to see us kids anymore? He left no note, he hadn't seemed unhappy, there were no red flags, we can only speculate on what was going so wrong that he felt there was no way out. The answer is... it made no difference. There was nothing that we could have done differently. He loved us...and I can't think about the "Why".
When we got to the farm, we all stayed in side. I remember thinking that was strange then because normally all of us kids were out running around the farm feeding the cows, looking at the pigs, running through the barns. Now I realize that there were probably things we didn't need to see outside. I'm thankful that I didn't go out there. Grandma lay on the couch sleeping peacefully, at least outwardly, I know now that inside she must have been broken in a million pieces. I drew her a picture with flowers and a rainbow, wrote "I Love You" on it, and placed it next to her on the couch. Then I climbed up on Uncle Doug's lap and we rocked and rocked and rocked in Grandpa's chair for what seemed like the longest time.
Throughout the next days and weeks, we all took turns staying with Grandma so that she wasn't alone. I remember the day of the funeral. It was at Cedar Creek and the thing I remember the most is watching all of my aunts and uncles crying. Being huddled all together with family and crying with one another. I can honestly say I don't remember anything about the service, but the grief from that day and the days that followed is ingrained in my memory. Grandma sold the farm... no more watching calves be born, no more finding baby turtles in the swimming pool, gone were the days of running through the barnyard and feeding the calves, our trips through the cornfield and through the lake to ice fish are just a distant memory. For a while, we used to beg mom to drive by the farm after church, but soon after it was sold, it changed. It didn't look like the house and the barns and the silos and the milk parlor that Grandpa used to maintain. Now it was someone else's farm, someone else's playground, someone else's opportunity to create memories. It was sad... so sad! Even now I miss the farm ... forever I will miss the farm.
As for the family, we have lived on. We are now 23 grandchildren (+ spouses) and 8 great grandchildren with 2 or 3 on the way. The Lord has richly blessed our family and we continue to make memories each day. April 16; however, will never go by without me stopping to think about that day and allowing myself the time to dwell on the memories of Grandpa.
I Love You, Grandpa!
It was a Sunday. After church Mom, Dad, and us kids had headed into town to grab some burgers for a quick lunch at home. I remember it being a beautiful, warm day, much like today, because we had the windows open letting the breeze blow in. Just as we got ready to sit down to eat, the phone rang. It was Grandma and she wanted to talk to Mom. When Mom got on the phone, Grandma told her that she couldn't find Grandpa anywhere, but the vehicles were around and she was worried. She had called all of the kids down. We left our burgers on the table where we had placed them. All of us packed back into the car and away we went. Not knowing how long it would be, Mom and Dad dropped us off at our friends house, the Cook's. We were going to play with them for the afternoon. Only I distinctly remember feeling very anxious about whatever was going on down at the farm and it was difficult for me to want to do anything. When we got to Cook's house, they were sitting down for dinner. I remember they were having pancakes and since we hadn't eaten, they invited us to join them. I didn't... the others did. I sat in an old rocking chair next to the dinner table and rocked and rocked and rocked. I will never forget that feeling of anxiety and fear at what was to come.
What seemed like days later, but was really only hours later, Mom and Dad came back to get us. I knew the news was bad when Mom walked in with red eyes... that told me she'd been crying. Dad looked very solemn and didn't really say much when we asked if they'd found Grandpa. The Cook's all went for a walk, while Mom and Dad and us kids sat at their picnic table under their shed. They told us something that I will never forget. Grandpa was dead. While Grandma was at church, he had taken his shot gun, went out by one of the barns and ended his life. I didn't understand. I remember asking lots of questions, for which Mom and Dad, and anyone else for that matter, had no answers. Pretty quickly, we packed up what we had brought with us, and headed back to the farm with the rest of the family.
I remember wondering why Grandpa would do that. He loved us didn't he? Didn't he want to see us kids anymore? He left no note, he hadn't seemed unhappy, there were no red flags, we can only speculate on what was going so wrong that he felt there was no way out. The answer is... it made no difference. There was nothing that we could have done differently. He loved us...and I can't think about the "Why".
When we got to the farm, we all stayed in side. I remember thinking that was strange then because normally all of us kids were out running around the farm feeding the cows, looking at the pigs, running through the barns. Now I realize that there were probably things we didn't need to see outside. I'm thankful that I didn't go out there. Grandma lay on the couch sleeping peacefully, at least outwardly, I know now that inside she must have been broken in a million pieces. I drew her a picture with flowers and a rainbow, wrote "I Love You" on it, and placed it next to her on the couch. Then I climbed up on Uncle Doug's lap and we rocked and rocked and rocked in Grandpa's chair for what seemed like the longest time.
Throughout the next days and weeks, we all took turns staying with Grandma so that she wasn't alone. I remember the day of the funeral. It was at Cedar Creek and the thing I remember the most is watching all of my aunts and uncles crying. Being huddled all together with family and crying with one another. I can honestly say I don't remember anything about the service, but the grief from that day and the days that followed is ingrained in my memory. Grandma sold the farm... no more watching calves be born, no more finding baby turtles in the swimming pool, gone were the days of running through the barnyard and feeding the calves, our trips through the cornfield and through the lake to ice fish are just a distant memory. For a while, we used to beg mom to drive by the farm after church, but soon after it was sold, it changed. It didn't look like the house and the barns and the silos and the milk parlor that Grandpa used to maintain. Now it was someone else's farm, someone else's playground, someone else's opportunity to create memories. It was sad... so sad! Even now I miss the farm ... forever I will miss the farm.
As for the family, we have lived on. We are now 23 grandchildren (+ spouses) and 8 great grandchildren with 2 or 3 on the way. The Lord has richly blessed our family and we continue to make memories each day. April 16; however, will never go by without me stopping to think about that day and allowing myself the time to dwell on the memories of Grandpa.
I Love You, Grandpa!
4.08.2010
Daffodils and Hyacinths
Yesterday, as I was wandering through Meijer in a fog, I came across some beautiful pink hyacinths and yellow and orange daffodils. The hyacinths were blooming all big and bright and beautiful. Knowing that I needed some cheering up, I purchased the hyacinths. I debated whether to purchase the daffodils. They were buddded, but not yet blooming and I wasn't sure I should spend the money for both of them. I knew exactly where in my landscape I would place them and since I had been saying I wanted daffodils and they promised to bloom beautiful, I decided on both of them.
I shed a lot of tears yesterday. I thought I was through, then Heath came home and hugged me and loved me and I cried some more. This morning I got up after a somewhat restless night of sleep, and gave myself a speech while I was in the shower. "Enough of this. Move on with Hope. Try again. It's not the end of the world. It's a bright (well rainy) new day!" Thank you God, for the little reminder... as I walked out into the dining room, there on the table, where I had left the budding daffodils was a fully bloomed yellow and orange daffodil. Just a little note from God that says "I love you, I'm holding you, I have big plans, keep pressing on, IT'S A NEW DAY!"
Next week we will start our second round of fertility treatments. Unless my cycle starts on its own, between now and then, I will start the Provera to get things going again. On day 3-7 I will take 50mg of Clomid and then start ovulation test kits on day 9 or so to see if we can pinpoint ovulation. Right now, my body is telling me, that the 50mg this month did not trigger ovulation as anticipated. We are hoping that this next round will get just enough into me to trigger ovulation. If not, though, we will recover for another week and then on to round 3 at 50mg. If still nothing, we will go to Dr. Pete in June with my calendar of information and he will up the dosage of Clomid to 100mg and we will start all over again for another 3 months.
I think the thing that is frustrating me the most is the thought that we may have to do this for 6-9 months. Obviously, God knows... in fact, I can hear Him coaching me. "Breathe, my child. Wait on me, Daughter. Don't you know I have it all planned out and it will be more than you could ever have hoped for, more than you could ever dream. I know what's best and when the perfect time is... you just wait on me. I love you... this waiting is making you stronger and more dependent on me. Keep pressing on in faith, my daugter!" And so we shall, but that's not to say it won't be without tears or without hurt...
Your prayers and comments, my friends are heard! Please keep praying for Heath and I. This blog is something that I write, but Heath is feeling the hurt too. He is sad, but he is full of compassion and hope. He will make such a good daddy! He is going to be so amazing, truly amazing! He has waited so long for this, that somedays I want it more for him than for me. All in due time!
I must close this post. It is time for me to go gaze on His beauty. Time for me to focus on what lies ahead and not get bogged down by the hurts of the moment. He is good, all the time. Thank you Father, for your ever constand reminders and thank you for this brand New Day!
I shed a lot of tears yesterday. I thought I was through, then Heath came home and hugged me and loved me and I cried some more. This morning I got up after a somewhat restless night of sleep, and gave myself a speech while I was in the shower. "Enough of this. Move on with Hope. Try again. It's not the end of the world. It's a bright (well rainy) new day!" Thank you God, for the little reminder... as I walked out into the dining room, there on the table, where I had left the budding daffodils was a fully bloomed yellow and orange daffodil. Just a little note from God that says "I love you, I'm holding you, I have big plans, keep pressing on, IT'S A NEW DAY!"
Next week we will start our second round of fertility treatments. Unless my cycle starts on its own, between now and then, I will start the Provera to get things going again. On day 3-7 I will take 50mg of Clomid and then start ovulation test kits on day 9 or so to see if we can pinpoint ovulation. Right now, my body is telling me, that the 50mg this month did not trigger ovulation as anticipated. We are hoping that this next round will get just enough into me to trigger ovulation. If not, though, we will recover for another week and then on to round 3 at 50mg. If still nothing, we will go to Dr. Pete in June with my calendar of information and he will up the dosage of Clomid to 100mg and we will start all over again for another 3 months.
I think the thing that is frustrating me the most is the thought that we may have to do this for 6-9 months. Obviously, God knows... in fact, I can hear Him coaching me. "Breathe, my child. Wait on me, Daughter. Don't you know I have it all planned out and it will be more than you could ever have hoped for, more than you could ever dream. I know what's best and when the perfect time is... you just wait on me. I love you... this waiting is making you stronger and more dependent on me. Keep pressing on in faith, my daugter!" And so we shall, but that's not to say it won't be without tears or without hurt...
Your prayers and comments, my friends are heard! Please keep praying for Heath and I. This blog is something that I write, but Heath is feeling the hurt too. He is sad, but he is full of compassion and hope. He will make such a good daddy! He is going to be so amazing, truly amazing! He has waited so long for this, that somedays I want it more for him than for me. All in due time!
I must close this post. It is time for me to go gaze on His beauty. Time for me to focus on what lies ahead and not get bogged down by the hurts of the moment. He is good, all the time. Thank you Father, for your ever constand reminders and thank you for this brand New Day!
4.07.2010
Broken and Hurting....
I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I've completely let myself down. I had such high hopes and such big pictures of what this month was going to look like. I didn't really take into consideration that they could be just... dreams, and not realities.
We found out on Monday that this month's fertility treatment did not produce what we were hoping for. We planned for things to work just as they were supposed to and at the end of the treatment we would be able to jump for joy and be on our way to being parents. However, we are faced with the truth that God's plans are not our plans... neither are His ways our ways... or His timing our timing. As much as we'd like it to be, we know that His plans, ways, timing are PERFECT and what we want is not always what we need or when we need it.
Even though we believe this, we lay last night in bed cuddled together, crying out to God, broken, in tears, wondering why. Today, I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. I'm so distracted and it's hard to focus. I am thankful that I don't have to be at school, although maybe that would keep my mind engaged on something other than my broken heart and empty arms. I am frustrated... if I'm not pregnant, why didn't my cycle start? Is the medicine working? How many months of this will it take? I don't know if I can do this again and again... it hurts... incredibly!
Last night I went to Walmart and it was all I could do to choke back the tears. I got so angry when I saw a group of teenagers.. 15 or 16... walking around Walmart pushing a cart with a baby. I don't understand. Why not me? Why can't that be me? Almost every time I am in Walmart or Meijer, I walk through the baby department. I look at the cute little clothes and the baby beds and strollers and carseats and pick out what I might someday use. Last night, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it... I steered clear of the baby department. It was just too much!
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who have children that I can watch and love on... but it's bittersweet, because at the end of the day, when I hand them back to their mothers, I am broken inside even as I smile on the outside. I want to be a mother, I want Heath to be a daddy... to a child that we don't have to give back at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong... I love babysitting and I'm not some kind of freak that's going to run off with your child, I'm just your everyday woman struggling with infertility.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or not feel. I don't know how to stop thinking about it and focus on my life here and now. What I do know is that I can't do it without my Father. I know that I couldn't do this with anyone else but Heath... he is amazing, everyday. I know that what God promises, He will bring to pass. I know that I can find joy even in this heartbreaking journey. I know that all of this that is going on can only be for one reason... His glory and I know that we can have Hope, because He has overcome the pain.
Father, I come to you broken and hurting. I come having the deepest desire to honor you in this situation. I am frustrated and I'm having a hard time seeing the light and experiencing peace and joy right now. Please give me the strength to keep pressing on, to run the race as someone with purpose, to put my trust for our future completely in your hands. I love you and I need you every hour!
We found out on Monday that this month's fertility treatment did not produce what we were hoping for. We planned for things to work just as they were supposed to and at the end of the treatment we would be able to jump for joy and be on our way to being parents. However, we are faced with the truth that God's plans are not our plans... neither are His ways our ways... or His timing our timing. As much as we'd like it to be, we know that His plans, ways, timing are PERFECT and what we want is not always what we need or when we need it.
Even though we believe this, we lay last night in bed cuddled together, crying out to God, broken, in tears, wondering why. Today, I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. I'm so distracted and it's hard to focus. I am thankful that I don't have to be at school, although maybe that would keep my mind engaged on something other than my broken heart and empty arms. I am frustrated... if I'm not pregnant, why didn't my cycle start? Is the medicine working? How many months of this will it take? I don't know if I can do this again and again... it hurts... incredibly!
Last night I went to Walmart and it was all I could do to choke back the tears. I got so angry when I saw a group of teenagers.. 15 or 16... walking around Walmart pushing a cart with a baby. I don't understand. Why not me? Why can't that be me? Almost every time I am in Walmart or Meijer, I walk through the baby department. I look at the cute little clothes and the baby beds and strollers and carseats and pick out what I might someday use. Last night, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it... I steered clear of the baby department. It was just too much!
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who have children that I can watch and love on... but it's bittersweet, because at the end of the day, when I hand them back to their mothers, I am broken inside even as I smile on the outside. I want to be a mother, I want Heath to be a daddy... to a child that we don't have to give back at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong... I love babysitting and I'm not some kind of freak that's going to run off with your child, I'm just your everyday woman struggling with infertility.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or not feel. I don't know how to stop thinking about it and focus on my life here and now. What I do know is that I can't do it without my Father. I know that I couldn't do this with anyone else but Heath... he is amazing, everyday. I know that what God promises, He will bring to pass. I know that I can find joy even in this heartbreaking journey. I know that all of this that is going on can only be for one reason... His glory and I know that we can have Hope, because He has overcome the pain.
Father, I come to you broken and hurting. I come having the deepest desire to honor you in this situation. I am frustrated and I'm having a hard time seeing the light and experiencing peace and joy right now. Please give me the strength to keep pressing on, to run the race as someone with purpose, to put my trust for our future completely in your hands. I love you and I need you every hour!
3.24.2010
Believe IN God, or Believe God
There once was a man who was very business minded. God gave him all that he needed to make his life and that of his family's very successful in the business world. In an instant, though, his business and all that he owned was burned up in the Chicago fire. Low and unsure what to do, he began to re-build his businesses and over the course of a few years God had blessed him once again with success. This time his "empire" if you could call it that, was even larger than before, greater than he could ever have dreamed. His family had grown by then... he was blessed with three daughters and a beautiful wife. Knowing that he had put a lot of time and energy into his business, he decided to take his family on a vacation. They would travel across the seas and land in Europe to spend some time traveling with friends. The day they were to board the boat, something came up at one of his businesses that he had to take care of before he went on vacation. Being the great man that he was, he didn't want to keep his ladies waiting so he sent them on ahead with plans to meet them shortly. They boarded the boat, he headed back to town and they were off. A couple of days later he received word that the boat that his family was on had run into an English ship and sank in the ocean within 7 minutes. All three of his daughters drowned, only his wife survived. He boarded the next boat to go meet his wife and on the ride over, the captain, knowing the distress in the man's family, called him to the upper deck. They were at that time, directly over the place where his daughters lost their lives. Feeling alone, he headed back down to his quarters, but it was then that God gave him the words to the song that we know so well "It is Well"... the man I speak about is Horatio Spafford. He made a decision that day... not only did he believe in God, but he Believed God. He knew that day, that despite his struggles, despite losing his daughters, God still had a plan and that God's plan was much better than any of our plans. When the storms of life were threatening to destroy him, he rested in the fact that God was in control and that because of that All was well in his soul.
I am challenged today to think about that. To remember that belief in God is not the same as believing God. Believing God is putting your trust in Him. It's knowing that God's plans are better than my plans and His ways are better than my ways. It's giving him complete control of every area of my life. And most of all it's believing that what He says he will do, He will do! His promises are promises... not like a promise that we give that we may or may not fulfill... it is PROMISED! No stipulations, no pre-requisites. no hesitations. He has a plan that will make us prosper. Belief in God, on the other hand, is simply acknowledging that there is a God and maybe even that He's up to good, but not really trusting Him completely to be able to handle our lives...I wonder, do we always believe God, or are we sometimes only believing IN God?
Father, You are amazing. You always know exactly what I need to hear. Help me to remember that while I wait for a child to fill my arms, you are already planning, maybe even knitting together that child. You have things underway and from your point of view, everything looks clear and the fog and storms of my life are non-existent. Thank you for always holding me right where you want me, for leading me, and for giving me the strength to follow You through the fog and storms of life. I love you so much!
I am challenged today to think about that. To remember that belief in God is not the same as believing God. Believing God is putting your trust in Him. It's knowing that God's plans are better than my plans and His ways are better than my ways. It's giving him complete control of every area of my life. And most of all it's believing that what He says he will do, He will do! His promises are promises... not like a promise that we give that we may or may not fulfill... it is PROMISED! No stipulations, no pre-requisites. no hesitations. He has a plan that will make us prosper. Belief in God, on the other hand, is simply acknowledging that there is a God and maybe even that He's up to good, but not really trusting Him completely to be able to handle our lives...I wonder, do we always believe God, or are we sometimes only believing IN God?
Father, You are amazing. You always know exactly what I need to hear. Help me to remember that while I wait for a child to fill my arms, you are already planning, maybe even knitting together that child. You have things underway and from your point of view, everything looks clear and the fog and storms of my life are non-existent. Thank you for always holding me right where you want me, for leading me, and for giving me the strength to follow You through the fog and storms of life. I love you so much!
3.22.2010
Just A Note on Patience...
We were driving by a sign the other day on our way to the mechanics shop to pick up our car. The sign was on a little white country churche's board out front. It said "Patience is waiting without worrying!" Grrr! Isn't it funny and quite amazing how God puts what we need to hear the most or learn the most right in our paths. He has the most perfect way of reminding us about the things that are important. Ironic too that we were headed to the mechanic to get my car, and it wasn't fixed so we ended up waiting 1 1/2 hours at the mechanics while they took a "few" minutes to repair it correctly! Strange how that works...
In our baby journey so many times I have worried. We worry as we wait for the doctor to call, we were anxious as we went into surgery, and as we awaited the results. We wait, right now, to see how my body responded to Clomid and whether our efforts this month will produce the desired outcome. Through it all, I'd like to be able to say that we've had patience... but if patience truly is "waiting without worrying"... I'm pretty sure we don't have the patience thing down.
Why do we worry? Well, that's pretty simple. I worry because I know that we serve a pretty awesome and powerful God, who is capable of blessing us with a child, but who also knows what's best for us. I worry that what He knows is best for us, might not be what we want. We worry because it's hard giving up control, even to someone who is so much more capable of controlling our lives than we are. Finally, we worry because our heart's are heavy and our arms are empty.
Lord, please allow us in the weeks and months ahead to give you complete control. Teach us to wait without worrying. To put our trust fully in you knowing that you are more than capable to sustain us through this journey. You are amazing and we love what we can see you doing even now. We love you and we will wait for your perfect plan and perfect timing!
In our baby journey so many times I have worried. We worry as we wait for the doctor to call, we were anxious as we went into surgery, and as we awaited the results. We wait, right now, to see how my body responded to Clomid and whether our efforts this month will produce the desired outcome. Through it all, I'd like to be able to say that we've had patience... but if patience truly is "waiting without worrying"... I'm pretty sure we don't have the patience thing down.
Why do we worry? Well, that's pretty simple. I worry because I know that we serve a pretty awesome and powerful God, who is capable of blessing us with a child, but who also knows what's best for us. I worry that what He knows is best for us, might not be what we want. We worry because it's hard giving up control, even to someone who is so much more capable of controlling our lives than we are. Finally, we worry because our heart's are heavy and our arms are empty.
Lord, please allow us in the weeks and months ahead to give you complete control. Teach us to wait without worrying. To put our trust fully in you knowing that you are more than capable to sustain us through this journey. You are amazing and we love what we can see you doing even now. We love you and we will wait for your perfect plan and perfect timing!
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