Four years ago...Our final embryo transfer was looming ever closer and I remember feeling myself tensing up and grasping tightly to things I thought I could control. I remember hoping for the best and feeling like the worst was coming. I remember begging God for my dreams and also strangely trusting that HE, only HE, knew what was best for us. I remember being terrified and hopeful and broken and weak and yet completely strong in Him and at peace. Mostly, I remember that our hearts cry was for whatever His purpose held.
We came away from that transfer not holding a child, but quietly ushering baby 8 & 9 into the arms of Jesus. I think back over that time... the emotions and grieving and loss of the 6 1/2 years we fought for a family and it takes only seconds for me to dissolve into a puddle of tears. So much loss... 9 babies, first kicks, first breaths, first snuggles, first birthdays and school days and "I love you mom" and "You're the best Dad" and first meeting with their Papa & Grammy and aunts and uncles and cousins... so many could have beens...
In my own strength I could hang out in that puddle of tears and what ifs for a while, BUT by God's grace and only in HIS strength, I don't ever stay there long. How can I complain about the heartaches of my life when Jesus' holding me was so real? How can I wish for something different, when I'm living God's BEST right now? How can I complain that I had to go through all of that, when my love for God grew, when I saw Him faithfully walking beside me sometimes and carrying me others, when all I knew of God during that time was his undying, unchanging, forever LOVE? How can I wallow in my loss when it made God's giving of His son so much more real? How can I think that I got anything less than perfect when HE is perfect?
It was hard, it was not what I had imagined my life would be, it might always bring me to tears, but you guys, I get to share how God led us, and held us, and loved us through that really difficult time. I get to praise His name because I know HE is GOOD and I know HIS PLAN for our lives is PERFECT. I get to encourage people to keep trusting, because I've been where it's hard to trust. I get to point to Jesus everyday as my source of strength and peace... not because I'm some great person, or even some strong person, but because I suffered huge losses and I was never alone and I was right where He wanted me and I still have breath to praise Him.... I learned to TRUST HIM and that's huge.
Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, if it's hard or it's easy or it's just not what you wanted... even when it hurts, when your strength is lost, when you have no song, when it's hard to find the words, even then sing His praise. When He doesn't move the mountains, when he doesn't part the waters, when He doesn't answer the way you had hoped, even then, TRUST. It's a choice, friends, and it happens because you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the GOD YOU PRAISE IS GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY and FAITHFUL and LOVES YOU just as you are right where you are!
Disclaimer: I do NOT have this all figured out... I just know it as truth.. and sometimes that's the best I can do, and that's okay
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