It's been forever since I've written. There are a couple of reasons. For one, after our unsuccessful IVF, we were devastated and rather then spend time pouring out my broken heart, I chose to step away from it all and enjoy my life and my husband. And I also have gotten busy wrapped up in serving at my church.
I don't think a woman struggling with infertility ever really forgets what they are fighting for. We may try to live on without breaking down and crying at every drop of the hat and for no apparent reason, but we never really forget. Just as breathing is a part of living, so is pain... specifically for us, the pain of infertility. It's hard to put into words exactly what that looks like, but I'm pretty sure people can see that. I have grown to dislike very strongly the pitying stares that I often get. Mother's Day seems to be a good one for that. I'm fine, for goodness sakes, I'm no different than any other person struggling with any other battle.
The day after Mother's Day, a friend of mine sent me a link to a post. It hit the spot, because it said exactly what I was feeling. People look at me like there is no hope. That's not true. There is Hope! Even if I never am a mother, I have life abundantly. Ever-lasting life. A Savior who loves me and leads me and cares for me. Yes, there are still tearful days. There are still emotions that pop up at the absolute worse times. But I have the privilege of relying on my BIG GOD! He hasn't given me more than I can handle with HIM. And I feel pretty blessed... my faith has grown in leaps and bounds and in ways that others could only hope for.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/15/false-hope-vs-loving-truths/
As I began reading through this site, I was encouraged by the fact that there are other women feeling the same way that I do often. My feelings aren't wrong or off base, they are just truths. I wanted to share one more of the posts that I came across. So many times mothers comment to me about how lucky I am to not have any children. Some of them know where I am in that journey to be a mother and others don't. I'll never understand why those who know what we battle for everday could think a "you're so lucky" comment would be welcomed. I'll never understand why they think that that comment would come across as a good thing to someone who fights for a child . I'll never understand what they are thinking in sharing that with someone who is infertile, but longs for a baby to hold. I do understand that being a mother is challenging at times. I do understand that parenting takes your life and turnes it upside down. I do understand that some days those beautiful children try your patience, they make you sleepy, they maybe don't give you a moment of peace. But you, my friend are still the lucky one. In those moments you may not feel like it, but read this post and maybe it will give you a bit of perspective.
Here's the link: http://heremembersthebarren.com/2012/05/16/youre-so-lucky/
Bless you all!
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