The last few days have been long and hard. I haven't been sleeping well, there's just too much on my mind. From wondering how this will all turn out to fretting over the money to near panic attacks about the meds. Do I have what I need? Will I be able to remember when to take what? Will Heath be able to give me the shots that he has to? How am I ever going to make it through this next month? Will I remember to ask the questions I have?
And those, my sweet friends, are only a glimpse into the many questions and thoughts that swirl around in my head. It's a very fine line that we tread as an infertile couple for you don't want to lose hope, but you are afraid to hope too much.
I can remember some of our first treatments with my OB/GYN. I think at first I thought that we just needed a little medicine and we'd be good. I was so thankful for that little Clomid pill knowing for almost certain that it would help us achieve our dreams. And then as I began to take it and all those crazy meds sunk in, I HATED that pill. I still do. It's an awful drug that puts your body through, well let's be honest, h-e- double hockey sticks... all for nothing, at least in our cycles that was true. Although I know there are others who endured it and came out with their little miracle.
The next few cycles, my hope continued dropped... I kind of doubted each time that the meds were going to work and I wonder if that had an effect on our outcome? I guess I'll not know for sure, but I do know that God' timing is perfect, and so I believe that we are right where He wanted us at just the right time.
Things changed and we were shipped off (that sounds bad, but it wasn't) to Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center, where we began another cycle. I had seen this man in action, I had seen the results that the Lord brought through this facility, and let's just say, I felt very relieved to be there. I felt like we were where we were supposed to be. Yes, I had wished at the time that we had been there sooner, but we also needed to exhaust the milder, less invasive, more natural treatments first, although I think Clomid is as far from natural as you can get! Just walking in the doors, I felt as if I had reclaimed hope and was sure we wouldn' be there long. As good as I felt about it, I still was almost embarrassed to admit we needed to be there. After all, in my mind it meant I was flawed somehow. I would sometimes sit in my car when noone else was with me and wait for the "coast to clear" before sneaking into the building. It was a breath of fresh air when I didn't run into someone walking by. When I was able to get into the office without having to acknowledge to passersby, that yes, I was flawed, and yes I was seeking medical help for something that for others is so easy and natural. It's slowly gotten better and it doesn't really phase me now. Maybe more because I get to my appt right on time instead of having time to wait, or maybe because I have learned that I am so blessed and privileged to be there. I am blessed beyond words for the fact that God has given these doctors and nurses and other professionals to deal with the delicate nature of infertility. I am privileged to be able to afford (although I use that term loosely) to access the treatments and such that The Fertility Center provides. I AM BLESSED! and that is something I have to remind myself every time I head down for another appt. NO matter what I have to endure, no matter what I have or don't have, I AM AND WILL FOREVER BE BLESSED!
I'm not sure I even ever told my husband about these bouts of embarrassment. It would just hurt him more and I feel sometimes like I've done that enough, not of any fault of my own... I just know that it's hard for him to sit by and watch me suffer through these procedures and disappointments. They are his as well... sometimes I laugh at us because we both try to shoulder for the other, to protect one another from more hurt, to be strong when we feel so weak. God has perfectly matched us and I know that's exactly how a true God-built marriage is to be, but it still makes me laugh!
Hope slowly returned and things were looking good and are looking good... so I sometimes wonder why I feel so hopeless right now. I want to be excited. I want to look back over this time and feel joy. I want to live my life even in the midst of all the appts and shots and what not. But I am terrified out of my mind to be hopeful that this cycle of IVF will end in success. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to crash when it doesn't happen. But then, can I afford to be so worried? Will that hinder or harm this cycle? I don't know what to feel. I do however, think it's ok to be a little apprehensive. Each person going through anything tough, has to develop there own means of coping, and I guess mine is being tentative of feeling too much. I don't mean I worry. I don't mean I doubt. I just mean, I don't dwell on it. I have to give it to God or I would go insane. I have to be able to talk about it with Heath and good friends and then let it go. I have to trust that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not, there's a different plan up God's sleeve. I TRUST HIM to do what's the absolute best for us.
I don't really know how to end this post. I feel like I could go on for days about what's going on and how I'm feeling and all that, but then that would be a pretty boring post, so I'll just leave with a verse that is such an encouragement for me right now:
Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
When I chose that as my life verse around the age of 13, I never knew how much it would really apply to my life.
1.12.2012
1.07.2012
We're Off and Running
Every year at the beginning of the year, I can't help but think that this will be our year. This will be the year our little miracle comes to be. This will be the year that the fertility meds stop and the miracle of pregnancy begins. And every year, that's not exactly how it's happened. Really, that's not how it's happened at all.
Every December 31st since I've been married, in my mind I've made the New Year's Resolution to have a baby. As if, I've been holding back all these years and now is finally the time. For goodness sakes! I hate New Year's Resolutions anyhow... I think we should all resolve to do all those things all the time... not just once a year for about a week or so. Know what I mean?
Anyway! This year I'd like to think is going to be our year, but I don't know that to be true. What I do know for certain is that we will be changed, we will work hard, we will keep pressing on, we will perservere. I say this on the verge of an emotional, hormonal breakdown as I wait for the first round of meds to bring about my cycle. Ya know that most dreaded thing among women... also known as, Aunt Flo, a period, that time of the month, your cycle, Day 1.. whatever you call it, while it is quite unpleasant, it is a necessity to bring about a pregnancy and so for me, it is most welcome.
I am terrified for what is coming in the next couple of weeks. It's all new territory, this IVF stuff. The meds are sitting in the fridge and on the shelf flanked on one side by syringes and needles of various sizes, and on the other side by alcohol swabs and gauze pads. On the counter lays the red folder that will be my instruction manual for the coming weeks. I have read through all the literature, we've signed all the paperwork and chosen our embryo guardian. The injection videos have been reviewed and the jitters set in place. So this terrifying feeling does not come from a sense of not being prepared, but instead from knowing what we are about to do and what I am about to subject my body, mind, and soul to. But alas, the first 7 days of meds are taken, we are off and running, and there is no turning back.
If you've been following along, you know that we were waiting to find out if we were approved for the Compassionate Care Program. Wonder of all wonders, or perhaps it was our Good Lord, the insurance company did indeed deny us coverage, so we were able to get over $1800 of meds for free. We are praying that this will be enough and we will not have to purchase more, but not sure if that will be the case or not. I think the unknowing-ness of the process is what makes things so difficult. It's kind of all a wait and see game, which is beyond my understanding as the "planner" in me wants to know what to do, when, and how.
I probably won't update much as we go along, but I'm so thankful that you are praying with us about this next step of the journey. I believe once things get rolling, they will go rather quickly since I will be busy with u/s and bloodwork so often... or then again, it may drag on since we will be so anxious to get through it and to the results. Please pray that we will feel God's peace and strength through this cycle and beyond.
Many blessings to you Dear Friends Until next time!
Every December 31st since I've been married, in my mind I've made the New Year's Resolution to have a baby. As if, I've been holding back all these years and now is finally the time. For goodness sakes! I hate New Year's Resolutions anyhow... I think we should all resolve to do all those things all the time... not just once a year for about a week or so. Know what I mean?
Anyway! This year I'd like to think is going to be our year, but I don't know that to be true. What I do know for certain is that we will be changed, we will work hard, we will keep pressing on, we will perservere. I say this on the verge of an emotional, hormonal breakdown as I wait for the first round of meds to bring about my cycle. Ya know that most dreaded thing among women... also known as, Aunt Flo, a period, that time of the month, your cycle, Day 1.. whatever you call it, while it is quite unpleasant, it is a necessity to bring about a pregnancy and so for me, it is most welcome.
I am terrified for what is coming in the next couple of weeks. It's all new territory, this IVF stuff. The meds are sitting in the fridge and on the shelf flanked on one side by syringes and needles of various sizes, and on the other side by alcohol swabs and gauze pads. On the counter lays the red folder that will be my instruction manual for the coming weeks. I have read through all the literature, we've signed all the paperwork and chosen our embryo guardian. The injection videos have been reviewed and the jitters set in place. So this terrifying feeling does not come from a sense of not being prepared, but instead from knowing what we are about to do and what I am about to subject my body, mind, and soul to. But alas, the first 7 days of meds are taken, we are off and running, and there is no turning back.
If you've been following along, you know that we were waiting to find out if we were approved for the Compassionate Care Program. Wonder of all wonders, or perhaps it was our Good Lord, the insurance company did indeed deny us coverage, so we were able to get over $1800 of meds for free. We are praying that this will be enough and we will not have to purchase more, but not sure if that will be the case or not. I think the unknowing-ness of the process is what makes things so difficult. It's kind of all a wait and see game, which is beyond my understanding as the "planner" in me wants to know what to do, when, and how.
I probably won't update much as we go along, but I'm so thankful that you are praying with us about this next step of the journey. I believe once things get rolling, they will go rather quickly since I will be busy with u/s and bloodwork so often... or then again, it may drag on since we will be so anxious to get through it and to the results. Please pray that we will feel God's peace and strength through this cycle and beyond.
Many blessings to you Dear Friends Until next time!
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