Have you ever lost your car in a parking lot? I can now say that I have. It's rather embarrassing to admit. After shopping for groceries this afternoon, I walked out of Meijer and immediately could not remember where I parked or even recall which row I had walked down when I entered the store. Not to worry, I began to wander down the row straight in front of the store and found a blue van that I thought was mine. Walking around to the back of the van, I pressed the unlock button, and lifted the gate only to notice that I didn't recognize the license plate #. Rolling my eyes and probably turning beat red, I shut the door and walked rather quickly, like almost ran, away from the van hoping that the owner was not watching me break into their van which was not really breaking in since it had been left unlocked. Looking around for my van, I began to wander aimlessly through the parking lot panicking a little bit more as each minute passed. I then remembered that I had parked somewhere in the first 3 rows, but I could not spy any other blue vans. I felt like such a moran because I walked through the parking lot, pressing the lock button hoping that the van would honk so I could find it. Amazingly, as I got closer to that blue van again, it honked! I'm so stupid! It was my van all along and it has Heath's license plate# on it... one which I was not that familiar with. I'd like to have a really good reason for doing something so brainless... but well, it's been kind of a numbing day, and this mishap is just a result of that.

Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.

Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.

Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.

We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.

I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!

Small Potatoes

For the past couple of years I have made it my goal to read through the Bible in a year. I accomplished that in 2009, 2010, and I'm well on my way to doing so in 2011. It's amazing to me how easily it has become a habit and how it's not that easy to forget. If I forget even for one day, my day is changed... I get upset more easily, my words don't come out as lovely, it's easy to get discouraged. I've come to realize just how important my time in Bible reading and prayer is to my walk with Christ. Probably one of my biggest consumers of time right now, is my thoughts about our Infertility. What does that do for a Christian's walk? Well, I'm not sure what it does across the board, but to me, it causes me to relate everything I read or hear to our struggle. I glean encouragement from God's Word. Words that aren't always meant to speak to infertility, but that reach me anyhow.

This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.

The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.

I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?

Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.

Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.