Praying for Direction

We attended the Fertility Seminar at the Fertility Center with Dr. Dodds on the 13th of this month. We left so excited, feeling good and like we were headed in the right direction. The information we received was abundant, but very good. It seems as though Dr. Pete has taken us through all of the pre-liminary steps that Dr. Dodds would do for a new patient. That's encouraging, because when/if we do move on to The Fertility Center, we will be able to start in soon with treatments that will hopefully work. Dr. Dodds seems to have a lot of experience with PCOS and Endometriosis and their pregnancy rate is the highest in the country.

We though we had overcome the insurance issue. Not too long ago, the Fertility Center added a 3rd doctor to their practice. He happened to be an in-network provided, unfortunately not through the Fertility Center, but with his other practices. Adter several conversations with the insurance company, they assured me that if my Primary Care Physician would refer us to the new doctor, that would be authorization for coverage even if we didn't end up seeing Dr. Leach each time beacause of the time-sensitive nature of infertility.

As I waited for my Dr. to call with the referral appt and such, I felt uneasy... unwilling to believe that what the insurance company said on that specific day, was actually going to pan out. I feel like I tread lightly and every time I call them, I get a different answer... one time it will be good news, the next they dash my hopes. This time was no different. I called once again to confirm the appts and the coverage. No such blessing! There is absolutely no way for us to see Dr. Leach, Dodds, or Young at the Fertility Center and receive coverage. The only way would be if there were no other specialist in the area. Unfortunately, Dr. Daly, whom we have not heard great things about is the only in-network Fertility Specialist in the area. They told me, he's your only option. If he's my only option, how is that an option... if we have no other choice?

I get so angry! I'm angry that I can't give my husband the family he desires. I'm angry that insurance companies are completely ridiculous with all their regulations and hoops to jump through. I'm angry because our options don't even seem like options, but instead impossibilities. Yes, we are blessed that we have 50% coverage for fertility treatments, but at what cost? We are forced to see impersonal, insensitive doctors because that's all that the insurance company will pay for.

In my moment of tears and weakness (a very long one, I might add) I did a request online for insurance coverage. I guess my thought, crazy as it might be, was that maybe we could get insurance that had more options for doctors. Moments later I was ambushed (ha!) with numerous calls and emails from insurance agents. Stupid me! Did you know that most individual insurance companies will deny you because of infertility AND they are doing away with Maternity coverage too. I don't understand... this world we live in... the insurance companies will cover a woman killing her innocent baby, but refuses to even allow healthcare for expectant mothers or those that desire to have a family. As much as it hurts my heart, I imagine it is so much more painful for our Father who created life.

I know this seems like a complaining post.. perhaps it is.. if you are or have ever struggled with infertility, then you know the pain things like this cause. You know the struggles that we face each day and the ache that settles in your heart and dictates how you respond to things of these nature.

Yet again, we are unsure where we are headed. Do we go to the Fertility Center, not covered, and step out in faith? We feel like the Center is a very promising place. Do we ignore what our heart is saying and see Dr. Daly? Do we forget the dream of having biological children and check out adoption? And if we do... any of these, where is the money coming from? I know that at The Fertility Center, they often have donated medicines and procedures that they write off, so do we trust that that is where God wants us and press on? How do we know where God wants us? I feel so positive about The Fertility Center, but what does that mean? Am I just scared to face Dr. Daly and his poor bedside manner? And, if God can proved 50%of the money for us to see Dr. Daly, then he get provide 100% to see Dr. Dodds.

Father, so many things going through our minds and settling on our hearts. Lord, you know our desires. YOu know the BEST path for us. Please make our path clear. Show us exactly what you have planned and help us to trust in you no matter the difficulty. We know you know Best and we want what your will is for our lives. Keep us strong, let our love continue to grow, give us direction...

Rollercoaster ups and downs

It was by no accident that I jumped in the car at exactly 10am this morning to head out to my follicle scan. For at just that time, the song on the radio was saying the exact words I needed to hear "I am here, I am here, you will make it through this..."

I have learned that this fertility journey is a roller coaster of a ride. You feel down and discouraged, then all of a sudden things start moving and you feel hope again, only to be followed by another dashed dream and low spot in your life. And sometimes if you're not so lucky, you even get loopdy loops that turn you complete upside down... the difference with the roller coaster and actual life is that if you do a loop on a rollercoaster, it always brings you out of it and sets your feet on solid ground. Life on the other hand sometimes tips you upside down and you are left with pieces, not dry ground.

I feel overwhelmed with the results of the follicle scan today. There were no follicles over 1cm... that means that the Clomid still is not doing the trick. A part of me is ready to say ENOUGH... but then my dream is completely shattered. Then I may never have a child to call my own... and frankly I can't bear to continue pouring myself into everyone elses without hope for my own. It hurts too much when I have to face the facts that they are not mine. Dr. Pete wants to see me again and for the second time now has said he may need to refer us to a specialist. That breaks my heart... we do not have the money for that. I don't know what we will do. We are not in an easy situation. I have doubts that if we do nothing, my body will ever produce mature eggs and ovulate on it's own. It's just not likely to happen with PCOS and ENDO. On the other hand, we are not financially in a position where we can start looking at adoption or considering a specialist. I just don't know... I know that to God money is no issue, so do we step out in faith knowing that He'll close the door if it's not where He wants us... or is this a closed door?

We have a Fertility Seminar at The Fertility Center in Grand Rapids this Thursday. We are looking forward to it and learning more about the center. We also, by attending, will get a free consultation with the doctors. That will save us $232 and they will be able to give us an idea of what kind of procedures and fees we are looking at which will also help us determine what we can and cannot afford to do.

Our hearts hurt. I feel it deep down in my soul... the sorrow of empty arms... the sorrow of not knowing what is planned for our lives and whether we will ever get to hold our precious baby! I had a dream the other night... we finally had our little girl. SHe was adorable with her daddy's eyes and nose and with my smile. I woke up just sad... I don't like waking up from those dreams... I want them to be real. I can still see her sweet face and I can't help but wonder if this dream of ours will ever be a reality. At any rate, we have no choice but to continue on.... on this roller coaster of life known as Infertility.