Our God

I often sit in church and listen to Pastor Kevin and wonder how he knows what I need to hear. Or how he knew that the songs that he chose would affect me and reach me in the way that they do. Then I realize even as I think that, that he had know way of knowing, but praise God that the ONE who is guiding his words and the music that he chooses knows... every time, every word, every song, was designed specifically for me... and specifically for you... and specifically for each person in attendance.

I also think, why is it that every message draws to remembrance our struggle with infertility and how God fits into that? Or, rather, how our infertility fits into God's plan for us. There are days that go by that infertility is the furthest thing from my mind. I get wrapped up in my husband, or work, or church, or small group, or whatever it may be and I don't think about the fact that our arms are still empty. Then there are other days, like today, that it's difficult to hold the tears and the aching of my heart at bay.

I cuddled with Jessi quite a bit today. She soothes my soul, makes me smile, and helps me to realize the importance of here and now. It's not good to always dwell on what the future holds. I'm not saying it's not good to plan or that it's bad to dream... oh no, not by an stretch. Rather, it's good to remember not to let the moments we have now pass us by without praising God, thanking Him, and enjoying those moments we have. As I snuggled with her, watched her smile and coo, and rocked her to sleep, I pondered what it would be like to have my own child. One that is part me and part Heath. One that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day, but that we get to have and hold and raise. It's going to be amazing. It's hard to stay upbeat and focused when thinking about it... especially after all the new babies lately... I'm wishing I could trade places with the new moms.

At any rate, as I was thinking on these things, God, as always, brought to mind a song we sang in church yesterday. I couldn't hold back the tears, because I felt like it was written for me. I'm getting better at not feeling ashamed at my tears and the fact that I feel the words when I worship God in church. They were perfect, reminding me how Great, Mighty, Powerful, our God is. I, of course, immediately thought of our infertility... the meds, the doctors, the tests, the diagnosis, the frustrations, the waiting, the tears, etc... Our God is greater than those things, He's stronger than any medicine we could try, He's our Healer... and because I know He's for us and with us, there's nothing that can stop us and nothing that can stand against us. Praise Him for his goodness, greatness, awesome power! What an awesome Father He is... Our God!

Tomorrow we will begin our 3rd round of fertility meds. I will take 100 mg of Clomid each morning for the next 5 days. Our biggest prayer is not necessarily that we get pregnant this month, although that is our ultimate goal, instead, we are praying that we will be able to see signs that my body is responding to the medicine and that the side effects are not too unbearable. While I only experienced hot flashes at night on the 50mg, I'm not sure what to expect, but I do expect more. It will be a while before we will know whether my body is responding in the right way...ovulation. So our prayer is also that peace will be abounding and we will feel His loving arms in the waiting. Please pray with us and thank you, thank you, thank you for your many notes of encouragement, your excitement in what we know will be an awesome future regardless of whether we are blessed to be parents, and your many, many prayers. They are the most genuine way that we can see God in this journey. Bless you, my friends!