Our God (Is Greater) Chris Tomlin Passion Band

Our God

I often sit in church and listen to Pastor Kevin and wonder how he knows what I need to hear. Or how he knew that the songs that he chose would affect me and reach me in the way that they do. Then I realize even as I think that, that he had know way of knowing, but praise God that the ONE who is guiding his words and the music that he chooses knows... every time, every word, every song, was designed specifically for me... and specifically for you... and specifically for each person in attendance.

I also think, why is it that every message draws to remembrance our struggle with infertility and how God fits into that? Or, rather, how our infertility fits into God's plan for us. There are days that go by that infertility is the furthest thing from my mind. I get wrapped up in my husband, or work, or church, or small group, or whatever it may be and I don't think about the fact that our arms are still empty. Then there are other days, like today, that it's difficult to hold the tears and the aching of my heart at bay.

I cuddled with Jessi quite a bit today. She soothes my soul, makes me smile, and helps me to realize the importance of here and now. It's not good to always dwell on what the future holds. I'm not saying it's not good to plan or that it's bad to dream... oh no, not by an stretch. Rather, it's good to remember not to let the moments we have now pass us by without praising God, thanking Him, and enjoying those moments we have. As I snuggled with her, watched her smile and coo, and rocked her to sleep, I pondered what it would be like to have my own child. One that is part me and part Heath. One that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day, but that we get to have and hold and raise. It's going to be amazing. It's hard to stay upbeat and focused when thinking about it... especially after all the new babies lately... I'm wishing I could trade places with the new moms.

At any rate, as I was thinking on these things, God, as always, brought to mind a song we sang in church yesterday. I couldn't hold back the tears, because I felt like it was written for me. I'm getting better at not feeling ashamed at my tears and the fact that I feel the words when I worship God in church. They were perfect, reminding me how Great, Mighty, Powerful, our God is. I, of course, immediately thought of our infertility... the meds, the doctors, the tests, the diagnosis, the frustrations, the waiting, the tears, etc... Our God is greater than those things, He's stronger than any medicine we could try, He's our Healer... and because I know He's for us and with us, there's nothing that can stop us and nothing that can stand against us. Praise Him for his goodness, greatness, awesome power! What an awesome Father He is... Our God!

Tomorrow we will begin our 3rd round of fertility meds. I will take 100 mg of Clomid each morning for the next 5 days. Our biggest prayer is not necessarily that we get pregnant this month, although that is our ultimate goal, instead, we are praying that we will be able to see signs that my body is responding to the medicine and that the side effects are not too unbearable. While I only experienced hot flashes at night on the 50mg, I'm not sure what to expect, but I do expect more. It will be a while before we will know whether my body is responding in the right way...ovulation. So our prayer is also that peace will be abounding and we will feel His loving arms in the waiting. Please pray with us and thank you, thank you, thank you for your many notes of encouragement, your excitement in what we know will be an awesome future regardless of whether we are blessed to be parents, and your many, many prayers. They are the most genuine way that we can see God in this journey. Bless you, my friends!

Babies, Babies, Babies!

Well as of a week and a half ago, I am no longer employed at NorthPointe Christian Schools. It feels good... I know that I am where God wants me. At the same time, it is a little scary not having a full time job. I am now employed watching my niece, Jessi, for the summer. I watch her on M, W, and F. It is a bittersweet job... I LOVE having her here and I feel like a mommy on the days that I watch her. I guess that's the bitter part. The fact that she leaves at the end of the day. Granted, I'm exhausted and ready for break, but nothing compares to cuddling with that precious baby girl during the day. Feeding her and watching her play and learn to roll over and now teeth. It's just amazing. Some days I just sit and stare at her, because she is such a testimony of God's love. Such a picture of our Creator. Not just her, but any baby.

My living room now holds a toy bin and a baby swing. If you go in the dining room, you will find Jessi's pack 'n play. One step in the garage and you will spot the stroller that we use for walks. And finally, a glimpse of her in the truck where her carseat base is buckled in awaiting our next ride to the grocery store or to see Grandma and Grandpa Smith. It's those things that make the sweetness of having her M, W, F, a bit bitter... those reminders of what I long for, but don't have. I'm not complaining though... I will take every moment I am given with her and I will praise God for those moments during the moments I don't have her.

It's funny, the things we think we will do as parents. For instance, all those baby contraptions I mentioned... I always thought when we had children, I'd have to have a specific place for them and they'd all have to match and I be senile about keeping all the things picked up and in order. It's amazing how those things kind of fly out the window. I realize that the thing that is most important, is not whether my house is in tip top shape, although it usually tends to be... but more importantly whether I am spending quality time with my family. So I admit, my house is not neat during the day.. toys are strewn on the floor, bottle lay on the couch and nearest stand, their are spots of powdery formula on the counter, and blankets and dirty clothes lie where they were dropped. And you know what.. that's ok. After Jessi leaves, I go around and tidy these things, knowing throughout the day, that they will always be there when I get to them... the baby, though, someday she's going to grow up and I won't have those precious moments with her. Goodness! I sound like she's mine. I don't mean it that way... not in the least... I mean it as an aunt who has the privilege of caring for her niece for 3 days a week. I love that little girl and all of my nieces and nephews. What a treat it is to be able to share in her milestones as a baby.

Speaking of nieces and nephews... About an hour ago, I received the call I've been waiting for, for 2 days! Nikki finally had her baby, my newest niece. Mackenna Autumn weighed in at 8lbs, 13oz; was 20 1/2 inches long and I hear she has chubby little cheeks, just like a Guernsey. I am keeping myself busy and writing this blog so that I do not loose my mind, pack my bags, jump in the truck, and head down there to kiss those cheeks. Instead, I will think about them all night long, have restless sleep, and get up tomorrow morning to head to Hastings to see them. Can't wait! I have a little onesie that I bought for her that says "Anything boys can do, Girls can do better!" Excited to give that to Nikki. It is so something she would put on her little girl.

Anyway... now you know why my post reads Babies, Babies, Babies! There are so many babies around... I love them, but I have to admit, I wish one of them were mine! Someday soon, maybe! Until then, I'll keep loving on the ones I have around me and enjoy every minute I spend with each of them. Thank you Lord, for those precious memories I am able to make with my nieces.

Today We Celebrate!

Today we celebrate 2 years of marriage... What a sweet day it is. I'd love to take a moment just to brag on my husband, my best friend, my man!

He is the one who tucks me in at night and kisses me awake in the morning. The one who holds me through thick and thin. He is my encourager, my biggest fan, the most important person here on earth to me. He loves me when I'm quite unlovely and encourages me to be better than I am. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to the 4:30 bell just to know that within the next 10 minutes, the garage door will go up, the side door will open, and I will hear "Hey Baby, How was your Day?" I love that time of day. When no matter how frustrating, event filled, or boring my day was, everything seems right, because my partner is home.

Two years ago today, we said "I Do" and he whisked me away to the best week of my life. I thought I would share with you our vows... the words we said to each other 730 days ago and the words that still hold true today. I guess it doesn't seem like that long ago, and it's not, but the thing is... it seems like forever. I don't remember not being married to him, or coming home after work to an empty house and dinner by myself... it feels like we've always been together and I know we always will. Anyway! Enough mushiness... below are our vows that we wrote for our day. I love to look back at them and remember that day... it was beautiful and the most amazing day in my life. It was a day that I dreamed about for so long and finally God granted my desires to be a wife and to have a husband. I have no doubts that the first day we welcome a child into our home will be just as wonderful. And yet again, God will prove how Awesome He is and how His timing is PERFECT!

Our Vows- 6/14/08
I love you (Heath/Lisa). You are my best friend. As I marry you, I make this lifelong and unchanging commitment to know and love God and to know and love you. I promise to encourage you, to inspire you, to laugh with you and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, respect you, prize you above all others and remain faithful to you as long as we both shall live.

Evaluation and Med Changes

We had our next doctor's appt today with Dr. Pete. Can I just say, I have the best doctor around! He seems genuinely interested in our case and has an understanding of our desires. It's awesome to feel like he's there for us, not just to shuffle us through and collect our money, but to make our dreams our realities!

After going through the last three months with meds that my body didn't seem to respond to, I will admit, we entered the office a little discouraged and unsure of what the outcome of the visit would be. We want to be parents yesterday. These things take time, though, so we press on and jump through all of the hoops in hopes of achieving our ultimate goal... to raise a God-honoring family... in HIS time, not our own.

With PCOS, it is very common for women to have higher levels of testosterone in their bodies than estrogen. As any PCOS woman, I exhibit these same frustrating side effects. Dr. Pete believes that is the reason that my body did not respond to the 50mg of Clomid that I have been taking. On the positive side, I only had to endure nighttime hot flashes during the first dose, but by the second dose, they were gone. That is an encouraging thing, since now we have upped the dosage... doubled it actually to 100mg (for days 3-7 of my cycle) for the next three months. Unless of course, God allows us to conceive before the 3 months is up. If not we will try this dosage until September 9 when we will return to Dr. Pete to evaluate where we are and where we will go from there.

I did have a chance to ask Dr. Pete a few of the questions that have come up over the past few months. I wrote them down as they came to me, so I wouldn't forget. I will have to remember to do that again, because I felt so much more informed after leaving this time. One of our biggest questions had to do with the timing of things. Why is it necessary to do the different dosages for 3 months? If it doesn't get me ovulating, can't we bump it up right away? Dr. Pete's answer was, we can, but this way, my body gets used to the side effects of the meds and I won't suffer as many for as long. Ok. I'm ok with that. My heart still wants to rush through the dosages though... I don't want to waste time. Then, even as I say that, I realize that were not wasting time. We are moving at God's pace and we are enjoying each and every day we have with just the two of us... knowing that soon our lives will be turned upside down (in a good way) and we will be parents!

In the meantime, our other concern was my endometriosis and what that might be doing as we continue waiting. There are two treatments for it... pregnancy or hormone therapy. Obviously we are going with the pregnancy treatment, but in the meantime, I wonder what the endo is doing in there. We did pose this question to Dr. Pete. His response was as I suspected... there really is know test or u/s they can do that could tell us.. the only way is with another laporoscopy. At this point, we are trusting that God is holding that at bay. We are not ready to halt the fertility treatments to do a laparoscopy. It's unlikely that it is changing much since I am having periods, despite the fact that they are drug induced.

Anyway, that is our most recent update on the baby front. Hoping to be able to share some really good news in the next month or so. We'll see what the Lord has planned! Until then! Blessings, my faithful readers!