Thinking Back on April 16, 1989

On this day, 21 years ago, we lost my Grandpa Stampfler. I remember the day so vividly, despite the fact that I was only 9 years old.

It was a Sunday. After church Mom, Dad, and us kids had headed into town to grab some burgers for a quick lunch at home. I remember it being a beautiful, warm day, much like today, because we had the windows open letting the breeze blow in. Just as we got ready to sit down to eat, the phone rang. It was Grandma and she wanted to talk to Mom. When Mom got on the phone, Grandma told her that she couldn't find Grandpa anywhere, but the vehicles were around and she was worried. She had called all of the kids down. We left our burgers on the table where we had placed them. All of us packed back into the car and away we went. Not knowing how long it would be, Mom and Dad dropped us off at our friends house, the Cook's. We were going to play with them for the afternoon. Only I distinctly remember feeling very anxious about whatever was going on down at the farm and it was difficult for me to want to do anything. When we got to Cook's house, they were sitting down for dinner. I remember they were having pancakes and since we hadn't eaten, they invited us to join them. I didn't... the others did. I sat in an old rocking chair next to the dinner table and rocked and rocked and rocked. I will never forget that feeling of anxiety and fear at what was to come.

What seemed like days later, but was really only hours later, Mom and Dad came back to get us. I knew the news was bad when Mom walked in with red eyes... that told me she'd been crying. Dad looked very solemn and didn't really say much when we asked if they'd found Grandpa. The Cook's all went for a walk, while Mom and Dad and us kids sat at their picnic table under their shed. They told us something that I will never forget. Grandpa was dead. While Grandma was at church, he had taken his shot gun, went out by one of the barns and ended his life. I didn't understand. I remember asking lots of questions, for which Mom and Dad, and anyone else for that matter, had no answers. Pretty quickly, we packed up what we had brought with us, and headed back to the farm with the rest of the family.

I remember wondering why Grandpa would do that. He loved us didn't he? Didn't he want to see us kids anymore? He left no note, he hadn't seemed unhappy, there were no red flags, we can only speculate on what was going so wrong that he felt there was no way out. The answer is... it made no difference. There was nothing that we could have done differently. He loved us...and I can't think about the "Why".

When we got to the farm, we all stayed in side. I remember thinking that was strange then because normally all of us kids were out running around the farm feeding the cows, looking at the pigs, running through the barns. Now I realize that there were probably things we didn't need to see outside. I'm thankful that I didn't go out there. Grandma lay on the couch sleeping peacefully, at least outwardly, I know now that inside she must have been broken in a million pieces. I drew her a picture with flowers and a rainbow, wrote "I Love You" on it, and placed it next to her on the couch. Then I climbed up on Uncle Doug's lap and we rocked and rocked and rocked in Grandpa's chair for what seemed like the longest time.

Throughout the next days and weeks, we all took turns staying with Grandma so that she wasn't alone. I remember the day of the funeral. It was at Cedar Creek and the thing I remember the most is watching all of my aunts and uncles crying. Being huddled all together with family and crying with one another. I can honestly say I don't remember anything about the service, but the grief from that day and the days that followed is ingrained in my memory. Grandma sold the farm... no more watching calves be born, no more finding baby turtles in the swimming pool, gone were the days of running through the barnyard and feeding the calves, our trips through the cornfield and through the lake to ice fish are just a distant memory. For a while, we used to beg mom to drive by the farm after church, but soon after it was sold, it changed. It didn't look like the house and the barns and the silos and the milk parlor that Grandpa used to maintain. Now it was someone else's farm, someone else's playground, someone else's opportunity to create memories. It was sad... so sad! Even now I miss the farm ... forever I will miss the farm.

As for the family, we have lived on. We are now 23 grandchildren (+ spouses) and 8 great grandchildren with 2 or 3 on the way. The Lord has richly blessed our family and we continue to make memories each day. April 16; however, will never go by without me stopping to think about that day and allowing myself the time to dwell on the memories of Grandpa.

I Love You, Grandpa!

Daffodils and Hyacinths

Yesterday, as I was wandering through Meijer in a fog, I came across some beautiful pink hyacinths and yellow and orange daffodils. The hyacinths were blooming all big and bright and beautiful. Knowing that I needed some cheering up, I purchased the hyacinths. I debated whether to purchase the daffodils. They were buddded, but not yet blooming and I wasn't sure I should spend the money for both of them. I knew exactly where in my landscape I would place them and since I had been saying I wanted daffodils and they promised to bloom beautiful, I decided on both of them.

I shed a lot of tears yesterday. I thought I was through, then Heath came home and hugged me and loved me and I cried some more. This morning I got up after a somewhat restless night of sleep, and gave myself a speech while I was in the shower. "Enough of this. Move on with Hope. Try again. It's not the end of the world. It's a bright (well rainy) new day!" Thank you God, for the little reminder... as I walked out into the dining room, there on the table, where I had left the budding daffodils was a fully bloomed yellow and orange daffodil. Just a little note from God that says "I love you, I'm holding you, I have big plans, keep pressing on, IT'S A NEW DAY!"

Next week we will start our second round of fertility treatments. Unless my cycle starts on its own, between now and then, I will start the Provera to get things going again. On day 3-7 I will take 50mg of Clomid and then start ovulation test kits on day 9 or so to see if we can pinpoint ovulation. Right now, my body is telling me, that the 50mg this month did not trigger ovulation as anticipated. We are hoping that this next round will get just enough into me to trigger ovulation. If not, though, we will recover for another week and then on to round 3 at 50mg. If still nothing, we will go to Dr. Pete in June with my calendar of information and he will up the dosage of Clomid to 100mg and we will start all over again for another 3 months.

I think the thing that is frustrating me the most is the thought that we may have to do this for 6-9 months. Obviously, God knows... in fact, I can hear Him coaching me. "Breathe, my child. Wait on me, Daughter. Don't you know I have it all planned out and it will be more than you could ever have hoped for, more than you could ever dream. I know what's best and when the perfect time is... you just wait on me. I love you... this waiting is making you stronger and more dependent on me. Keep pressing on in faith, my daugter!" And so we shall, but that's not to say it won't be without tears or without hurt...

Your prayers and comments, my friends are heard! Please keep praying for Heath and I. This blog is something that I write, but Heath is feeling the hurt too. He is sad, but he is full of compassion and hope. He will make such a good daddy! He is going to be so amazing, truly amazing! He has waited so long for this, that somedays I want it more for him than for me. All in due time!

I must close this post. It is time for me to go gaze on His beauty. Time for me to focus on what lies ahead and not get bogged down by the hurts of the moment. He is good, all the time. Thank you Father, for your ever constand reminders and thank you for this brand New Day!

I Need Thee Every Hour, Selah

Broken and Hurting....

I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I've completely let myself down. I had such high hopes and such big pictures of what this month was going to look like. I didn't really take into consideration that they could be just... dreams, and not realities.

We found out on Monday that this month's fertility treatment did not produce what we were hoping for. We planned for things to work just as they were supposed to and at the end of the treatment we would be able to jump for joy and be on our way to being parents. However, we are faced with the truth that God's plans are not our plans... neither are His ways our ways... or His timing our timing. As much as we'd like it to be, we know that His plans, ways, timing are PERFECT and what we want is not always what we need or when we need it.

Even though we believe this, we lay last night in bed cuddled together, crying out to God, broken, in tears, wondering why. Today, I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. I'm so distracted and it's hard to focus. I am thankful that I don't have to be at school, although maybe that would keep my mind engaged on something other than my broken heart and empty arms. I am frustrated... if I'm not pregnant, why didn't my cycle start? Is the medicine working? How many months of this will it take? I don't know if I can do this again and again... it hurts... incredibly!

Last night I went to Walmart and it was all I could do to choke back the tears. I got so angry when I saw a group of teenagers.. 15 or 16... walking around Walmart pushing a cart with a baby. I don't understand. Why not me? Why can't that be me? Almost every time I am in Walmart or Meijer, I walk through the baby department. I look at the cute little clothes and the baby beds and strollers and carseats and pick out what I might someday use. Last night, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it... I steered clear of the baby department. It was just too much!

I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who have children that I can watch and love on... but it's bittersweet, because at the end of the day, when I hand them back to their mothers, I am broken inside even as I smile on the outside. I want to be a mother, I want Heath to be a daddy... to a child that we don't have to give back at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong... I love babysitting and I'm not some kind of freak that's going to run off with your child, I'm just your everyday woman struggling with infertility.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or not feel. I don't know how to stop thinking about it and focus on my life here and now. What I do know is that I can't do it without my Father. I know that I couldn't do this with anyone else but Heath... he is amazing, everyday. I know that what God promises, He will bring to pass. I know that I can find joy even in this heartbreaking journey. I know that all of this that is going on can only be for one reason... His glory and I know that we can have Hope, because He has overcome the pain.

Father, I come to you broken and hurting. I come having the deepest desire to honor you in this situation. I am frustrated and I'm having a hard time seeing the light and experiencing peace and joy right now. Please give me the strength to keep pressing on, to run the race as someone with purpose, to put my trust for our future completely in your hands. I love you and I need you every hour!