Have you ever lost your car in a parking lot? I can now say that I have. It's rather embarrassing to admit. After shopping for groceries this afternoon, I walked out of Meijer and immediately could not remember where I parked or even recall which row I had walked down when I entered the store. Not to worry, I began to wander down the row straight in front of the store and found a blue van that I thought was mine. Walking around to the back of the van, I pressed the unlock button, and lifted the gate only to notice that I didn't recognize the license plate #. Rolling my eyes and probably turning beat red, I shut the door and walked rather quickly, like almost ran, away from the van hoping that the owner was not watching me break into their van which was not really breaking in since it had been left unlocked. Looking around for my van, I began to wander aimlessly through the parking lot panicking a little bit more as each minute passed. I then remembered that I had parked somewhere in the first 3 rows, but I could not spy any other blue vans. I felt like such a moran because I walked through the parking lot, pressing the lock button hoping that the van would honk so I could find it. Amazingly, as I got closer to that blue van again, it honked! I'm so stupid! It was my van all along and it has Heath's license plate# on it... one which I was not that familiar with. I'd like to have a really good reason for doing something so brainless... but well, it's been kind of a numbing day, and this mishap is just a result of that.

Today was our second U/S and first bloodwork of this cycle. It's funny to me how my body and mind reacts to these appointments. I think I go right up to the last hour before the appt and don't really think too much about it. I push it away, choosing rather to think about whatever else is going on at the time. I'd like to say that is my way of really leaving it in God's hands and not worrying about it, but to be honest, I think it is my defense. My only way of staying sain and being able to press on through each day of waiting. But then as we travel the 35 minutes to the office, my insides turn to butterflies, my heart begins to race, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I don't know if it's just the uncertainty of the appt or the fact that I'm walking into a room of people who all have empty arms, or just the anxiety of knowing what I am going to endure and not knowing whether I will walk out smiling or crying.

Our morning started at 6:21... "up and at 'em", my mom would always say in the morning to get us going and around for whatever was ahead. I felt especially nervous this morning. Our appt was at 7:45 and we were leaving for Hastings directly from there to help Grandma do her Fall Cleanup. I honestly think I was most nervous on the outcome of the appt and how I would react to it. I thought "If the appt is good, then I can field the questions" and "but then if it's bad, I won't really even want to go and I definitely don't want to answer questions." I wish instead that I would not worry... I wish instead, that I would TRUST in HIM... the one who has everything figured out and perfected.

Our appt was not as good as we had hoped for. I'm not sure how the bloodwork came out, but the largest follicle that they were able to locate was 9mm...only about half of what they should be. Disappointing, yes. I just wanted to see some growth... more than what we had before. Apparently that was not to be, though. Some times in this journey, I feel like the things I do and the tests and procedures I endure are all for nothing. But I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to everything and it is for my good. Feeling quite defeated and that we were facing an impossibility, we made our way to Hastings. On the way down the # of thoughts that went through my head were very numerous... almost as many as the tears. Guess that's just something that has been constant through this journey.

We are doing 3 more days of the Repronex @ 150iu and have another U/S & bloodwork on Tuesday, the 4th. I'm not all that excited about the Repronex... it's leaving welts on my tummy that are painful for a couple of days. Multiply that by 10 days of it and it's not that pleasant, but I will endure pain and sickness for the chance to hold our baby someday! Hopefully, this next appt we will see growth, but if not....well, I'm just praying that we will still trust that He has it under control. We are going to meet with the doctor on Tuesday as well. We haven't seen him personally, although we've talked with him, since our first consultation. I don't know if it's encouraging or not that they want us to meet with him.

I caught myself thinking that this was an impossible situation... the money, the tests, the meds, the finances, the guessing, the waiting, the wondering... it sometimes all feels impossible. But then I remember some of my own words to my dear friend Kara... "God can take these fractured pieces and make a miracle." Praise God for his power to take the broken impossible pieces of our lives and form them into little miracles. Baby or no baby, our life as it is, is a miracle. And I'm reminded of some of her words to me "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." For us, it's not the end just yet!

Small Potatoes

For the past couple of years I have made it my goal to read through the Bible in a year. I accomplished that in 2009, 2010, and I'm well on my way to doing so in 2011. It's amazing to me how easily it has become a habit and how it's not that easy to forget. If I forget even for one day, my day is changed... I get upset more easily, my words don't come out as lovely, it's easy to get discouraged. I've come to realize just how important my time in Bible reading and prayer is to my walk with Christ. Probably one of my biggest consumers of time right now, is my thoughts about our Infertility. What does that do for a Christian's walk? Well, I'm not sure what it does across the board, but to me, it causes me to relate everything I read or hear to our struggle. I glean encouragement from God's Word. Words that aren't always meant to speak to infertility, but that reach me anyhow.

This morning was no different, really. Along with my Bible reading, I'm reading a daily devotional from Dian Neal Matthews book "The One Year Women of the Bible". It's amazing to me the number of women in the Bible that we overlook and never really think about, but they seem to be behind the scenes of every story we have ever heard or taught about in the Bible. This morning I read a devotional called "An End in Sight". It was based on the Women of Smyrna.

The women of Smyrna had endured extreme poverty and intense persecution from the hostile Jews and it was imperative that they understand that the End was in Sight. All of their fight was not for nothing! While 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is talking about the battle towards the end of times, I can see a direct correlation between these womens battle and my own through infertility. These women needed to understand that the time of suffering was limited and the gift to come at the end of their suffering was well worth the pain and agony they endured.

I guess that's how it is with me. It's intense, it's extreme, and so many times it's persecution from others. No, I don't mean people are physically persecuting me. I am not being beaten and forced to suffer in ways like the women of Smyrna. But, with words and looks and actions, others do persecute a woman struggling through infertility. It comes in the form of not loving their children who are miracles. It comes in the form of pregnancy complaints and parenting woes. I wonder. Do people even realize just how precious of a gift they have been given? DO they realize that their "battle" that they are against is something that I am battling for?

Infertility is intensely hard. There are days where you just feel completely alone. There are moments when you are ready to throttle someone for being so insensitive to your struggles.Especially when it comes from those who know how you are struggling. There are days that you can't believe you had the strength to crawl out of bed and actually function. But then, there is God. There is grace. There is love. There is God's Word and there is prayer. Because those are the only two things that are always constant, always encouraging, always.

Today, despite all my infertility struggles, I glean encouragement from this Scripture because even though sometimes I'm falling apart, GOd is still at work for something good that will way outweigh our battle scars!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
So we are not giving up. How could we? Even though on the the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us.

There have been times in this journey where I think that I can't take another upset. If you are struggling through infertility or have in the past, then you know those times I'm talking about.

This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...

It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.

Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.

I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.

If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.

Canceled Cycle= Pain

It really doesn't take much for a woman battling infertility to lose her composure and cry in front of just about anyone. But having said that... I've withstood a lot in the last couple of weeks and I need to cry.

First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.

Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.

The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.

I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!

We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.

Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!

Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.

And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.

Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.

So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.

Still Here, Still Strong!!

Dear friends, it's been a very long time since I've graced you with a post. Some of you may be thinking... yes, it's been quite refreshing to not have to hear Lisa's woes. Well, maybe so, but let me assure you, it's been quite refreshing to have quite a break from meds and doctors appts and disappointments that go along with cycle after cycle of non-success fertility treatments. Don't think that there haven't been times that I've started to post... but as strong as that desire was, the desire to wait, be still, and enjoy the break was much stronger.

(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.

What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.

It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!

So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.

Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.

Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!

Coincidence? or God?

It is not often, actually never, that I post one of my blogs on Facebook. For whatever reason, though, I am about to do just that. It may be that I'm getting bolder about my musings, or possibly that I'm finally listening to the Lord pressing me to speak out, or just maybe I survived a very scary time last night and I need to express the ways that the Lord spoke to me through that. I'm warning you, this may be very long!

We are just returning from a much needed 10 day vacation in Florida. The weather was beautiful, the company wonderful, and the relaxation top notch. We were on a very tight budget, but had an amazing time doing nothing... :-) We even came home with over $200... we discussed on the way home just what we would do with that money. Options ranging from putting it into our baby fund, finishing our garage project, using it for our anniversary coming up, and other ideas of things we wanted or needed. But alas, as always God had different plans for our money. Because as we began washing our vacation clothes, we realized that our washing machine had run it's course. I didn't feel so bad about it because our washer and dryer were FREE when we got married and probably had 15 years of use on them. We are very blessed that they have served us well the last 3 years! Our search started at such stores as Best Buy, ABC Warehouse, and the like, but ended on Craigslist, where we found a washer and dryer only 4 years old and like new for $325... only a little over the amount we brought home from our Vacation. Yes, indeed, that left over money being available was no coincidence. It was only the beginning of the way God orchestrated this day.

Armed with $325, Tyler, and his truck, we headed to GR last night to get our "new-to-us" washer and dryer. The road down was safe and it only rained a bit as we loaded them up, strapped them down, and headed home. At the same time that our washer has gone caput, our dryer is perfectly fine... and alas, God had planned that out perfectly as well, because Ty and Holly are in need of one. Again, no coincidence!

And, sorry friends, but the story doesn't end there. In preparation for Ty taking us down to get the washer and dryer, he had cleaned out the backseat of his truck including Jessi's carseat, which he placed right inside the door in their breezeway. As we moved our old washer and dryer out, hauled them up the stairs, and got the new dryer down into the basement, we began to formulate a plan for getting our old dryer to Ty and Holly's... the cords were different and we had to make a change to accommodate our new unit. Thinking that we might be able to just swap Ty and Holly's for ours, I ran upstairs to get my phone and give Holly a call to see what her cord at home was like. We are very close to the Fire Barn and I could hear sirens pulling out and headed down 57 as I headed up the stairs. Funny, maybe, but each time I hear the sirens, my heart skips a beat and I say a prayer for whoever might be on the receiving end of that help. Little did I know that I was praying for our little Jessi girl!

When I reached Holly by phone, she was frantic... which is not normal for her, so I asked her if she was ok. "No" she screamed, "Tell Tyler to come home NOW!" Without thinking I hollared to Ty to go home now, threw him my keys, and relayed what Holly had told me "Jessi fell, hit her head, and she's convulsing and having a seizure! The ambulance is here!" As calm as I remained on the outside, my heart was beating madly and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Heath cried, then prayed, then we snapped into action, finishing the unloading of the washer and then heading out, hoping to be able to follow them down to the hospital. Noone was there so we drove back to get our van... driving by the fire barn, I noticed one of the response units pulling back in, "Pull in there" I said. We ran up to the barn, asked if they came from Shaner, and where they were taking Jessi. "Helen Devos, she's ok, she'll be alright!" But me, being the doubting person that I am didn't really listen to the last part... after all, isn't that what they say just before people die? Morbid, I know, but that is what goes through my mind everytime I hear that phrase from a doctor or nurse. Sorry to those of you who are doctors or nurses!

About 40 minutes later, we were at the hospital, just in time to see Jess. She was kind of out of it, mostly crying, and not herself. Scary, to say the least, but she got better as the night continued. Doctors said she had a febral (sp?) seizure that occurs when there is a rapid temp spike in little ones. Scary as that was, it's actually a protection from the seriousness of the spike in temperature. Praise the Lord for his intricate design in creating a body that protects itself against harm. Now almost 20 hours later, she is doing well and although continues to experience a fever, she is no longer having tremors or experiencing seizures. I pray that she continues to do well.

At any rate, this day that started out as any other day did not end that way. Still, I can see God's hand in every moment of it. It was no coincidence that our washer died on us and that we had most of the $ for it from our vacation. By no coincidence did we need Tyler's help moving it, thus allowing for the carseat to be left right by the door where the paramedics needed it. It wasn't a coincidence that the first response unit was pulling into the fire barn just when we needed them to find out where Jessi was. And by no coincidence, did the Lord provide an excellent Children's Hospital close to home. No, these aren't coincidences... these are God, His orchestrating hand in every area of our lives!

As I was living through those moments last night, I began to wonder about myself... as scary as it was, I never cried. What was I, heartless? I mean, the little girl that I love as my own, was lying in a hospital bed, being poked and prodded and I was cool and calm and collected. The tears just didn't come... not as I talked with Holly on the phone and relayed the message to Tyler, not when Heath lost it and cried out to God on our front porch, and not when we walked into the hospital room and saw her helpless little body lying on the bed. I don't know if it's my coping mechanism that causes me to hold back... as if when everyone else is upset, I can't be. Or if it's just that I was in denial... I don't know.

The tears did come... this morning as I picked up sweet Jessi's toys and books that were strewn all over the living room from yesterday. They came as I knelt on the floor and picked up the half eaten crackers and animal cookie crumbs that she left when she ran into her mommy's arms yesterday afternoon. They overflowed as I fed little Aurelia this morning in the quiet of the living room... quiet except for my sobs of relief. I think it was the action of picking up after little Jessi and realizing that we may have lost her... except by God's grace, it could have been the last time I picked those up... the pictures that I took of her and Uncle Heath, could have been the last and I am overwhelmed and thankful to God that we will still be able to enjoy her precious smiles, giggles, and witty ways! What a gift! What a miracle! And one, I'm afraid, that we take for granted too often. Never again!

Father God, awesome Healer, Prince of Peace... thank you for being near to us in our moments of fear. We praise you today for your ever present, protective hand on us and those we love. Thank you for continuing to heal little Jessi's body and for allowing us more time with her! May we never take her or any others that we love for granted. Help us to be evermindful of your hand in our every action and help us to never forget that coincidences to others are simply your hand in our lives.

I'm A Survivor!

No, I am not joining the ranks of those "reality" stars on Survivor, and I'm not celebrating my journey through cancer, but I am celebrating my survival of yet another Mother's Day as a Childless couple.

I need to preface this post by saying that the last post I made was published very early in the morning on a day that we as childless couples struggle with every year. Yes, I realize that it's not about me. Yes, I realize that we have two mother's and two grandmother's to celebrate, and we did. And Yes, I realize that someday it will be my turn. Having said that, I want to make sure you realize that I in no way was down playing the day that was set aside to honor our mother's and grandmother's. And I in no way intended to deflate your balloon's of joy in your family. Instead I have found over the past couple years that this blog is an outlet for me. A way for me to vent my frustrations and my struggles. A place of healing for our aching hearts and a place to feel safe and not shot down for the spectrum of emotions that an infertile woman/couple faces. I do apologize if I put a dooms day feel on your Mother's Day. It was not my intent or desire in the least.

I; however, am a survivor of the day. No, I'm not a Mother. No, I didn't make it through the sermon without a couple of tears. No, I didn't dodge my sweet niece with a carnation for me. But, I did survive. I can think of only one thing that allowed me joy on this day. Well, maybe two... first and foremost, God's strength... the ability to come through the day with a smile on my face. The strength to celebrate my mother's and our sweet friend Kara, who for the first time in their 8 year journey through infertility can REJOICE because very soon, she will be a mother. Praise God, for his Faithfulness. I can honestly say I've never felt His Strength like I did yesterday. I am overwhelmed even today as I write this, because I can't believe that He loved me enough to give me the strength to press through something so difficult. And the second reason is my amazing godly husband. I don't deserve his love or his thoughtfulness, but I am so thankful for the way that God brought Heath into my life. I know that although my pain is very obvious, his pain stems from seeing me in pain. He did all he could do to make my day joyful even in little ways he probably doesn't even know. Thank you, Sweetheart!

Happy Mother's Day...

It goes without saying that for women struggling through infertility and struggling seems like an understatment, Mother's Day holds a certain amount of sadness. There are a couple of things that I can think of that make it difficult. Today I am reminded of the fact that I am not a Mother and see no light at the end of that tunnel of non-motherhood, and then there's that birthday lurking just around the corner that will again remind me that I am yet another year older and STILL not a mother. It doesn't help that Mother's Day is on a Sunday. Today I will walk in, likely hear a sermon about how to be a better mother when all I want is to be a mother, period , and then at the end of the sermon, all the mothers will receive a flower... Not that I wish to discount all the mothers out there or want to take away from their happiness, but I HATE Mother's Day. And to be quite honest, I have been thinking all week about why it would be better for me to stay home from church. But alas, I can't do that, because Sunday is not about me, it's about HIM... so I will go, I will worship, I will likely cry through the sermon, and I will pray that my sweet niece does not bring me a flower at the end of the day (not that I wouldn't appreciate, it but again, those constant reminders) cause I'm tired of crying in front of everyone.

I remember feeling this exact same way about Valentine's Day when I was single. It made me sick... all the hype and all the sweet thoughtful gifts and flowers and chocolates and jewelry...all of it going to someone else, passing me by, because I was the dreaded SINGLE person! I HATED Valentine's day, with a passion. It was just that day to remind me, as if I could forget, that I was not in a relationship, I was single.

I can relate to that feeling with Mother's Day and infertility. That constant reminder, as if I could forget, that I am not a Mother. And it makes me question myself... are we ever really content? I mean really? Another one of my least favorite words... And wouldn't you know our Pastor spoke about contentment last week. When I found out that was the title of the message, I leaned over and told Heath I needed to leave. I did not want to sit through that message. Mostly because of my desire for a child.

I sat there listening and learning and the whole time scared out of my mind. You see, I thought my contentment would be dependent on having to let my desire for a child go. I thought that our prayers every single day for a child, were going to become something of our past and not something we could continue with. After all, contentment is being in want of nothing, right? And that's what led up to last Sunday night gathered around our living room with our small group family and my break down. I scurried around getting things ready most of the afternoon, as people began arriving, I busied myself with plates and napkins and cups, I pasted on a smile, but inside I felt like I was being ripped apart. Like all my desires, my aching arms, were going to be stripped away from me and I had no choice, because God calls for contentment. I fidgeted through most of the lesson and just before prayer time started, I had built enough courage to ask the questions that burned inside of me. My closest friends, my small group, they got the brunt of the awkwardness.

So, is it discontent to ask for a child every day? To pour out our hearts and desires to God every day? To continually be pressing forward towards that goal? I thought so, but they set me straight. It isn't discontent to seek after a child. It isn't discontent to ask God every day for a child and to pour out our hearts and desires. It would be discontent (I don't even know if that's the right word) if our desire for a child was pulling us away from God. If it was our consuming fire, our constant thought, our unending motive. It's not. As much as it seems like it to many, it's not. We are still serving, our love for Him and faith in Him grows every day, our desire to see souls reached through Quizzing and the Youth Group is stronger than ever, our Trust that He knows what is best expands beyond what we ever thought was possible, and our love for one another is more than we ever could have imagined.

As painful as Mother's Day, is though, we have to go through it... there's no way around it, no way under it or over it, you have to go through it. Praise God, Praise God, Praise God for His unending strength! Because it's with that strength that I can say those three little words... Happy Mother's Day!

Up, Down, and All-Around

Heath has always loved roller coasters. In fact, as we were spring cleaning the basement this week, we came across some old pictures of him and his brothers and some friends on a roller coaster. You know, those crazy photos you get as they flash your picture while you scream into the camera. It was quite hilarious. At any rate, he has always loved them. I don't know if it's the thrill of zooming up and down and all around or the fact that you feel macho having conquered the coaster, or just plain craziness. Whatever it is, he to this day loves them.

I, on the other hand am quite the opposite. It's not that I've never gotten on a roller coaster, or that I may never again, because I probably will. It's more that I don't get the point of it... I feel just fine with my feet planted on the solid ground where I don't have to anticipate being turned upside down and all around. I remember all too often standing in line, a HUGE long line that took over an hour to get to the front of, only to hop on the roller coaster for a 30 second ride. Seriously! How crazy can you be? And if that isn't enough, occassionally while I stood in line ringing my hands in terrified anticipation and watching the coaster do it's thing, I witnessed a most horrifying thing. The coaster, while zooming over the tracks would come to a complete stop and not where it was supposed to. I remember one time the riders were left hanging upside down for a bit of time, not too long, but if I had been on that ride, one second suspended upside down would be too long. This only served to terrify me more, yet I plodded on trusting the friend or family member that pressed me forward. I'm happy to report that I NEVER have gotten stuck on a roller coaster, upside down or otherwise... but as they say there's a first time for everything...

Life is kind of like that... this roller coaster of ups and downs and all arounds. We wait in line, it seems, for the chance to ride the coaster of dating. Once we get off the dating coaster, we rush to the next coolest coaster with even more loops and turns and we hop on the coaster of life called Marriage. Then, if all goes as planned, you join the ranks of those waiting in line for Babies, soon to be followed by the Parents Coaster. And that's where our journey has taken us. No, we haven't quite reached the Parents line, but it will come.

We spent a long while on the dating roller coaster...years actually. Never really finding that one that we wanted to take with us onto the Marriage coaster. Until we met one another, that is... and within a few months we knew that we were going to make the move from that Dating Coaster to the Marriage Coaster. It didn't happen right away, but within a year and a half we were on the Marriage Coaster. I'm very pleased to report that as much as other's told us the first year would be the hardest... it really wasn't. The roller coaster of the first year of marriage was more like a Lazy River than a roller coaster. Really, it still is... except that we hopped on the roller coaster of Infertility. I'm not trying to brag...just when Heath and I look at our marriage, it's been easy. Easy to love one another, easy to agree with one another, easy to keep pressing on... I think it has something to do with our age. But then that seems backward to me too, because we were 28 and 36 when we got married so we should have been more set in our ways... but the adjustment didn't seem like an adjustment at all, but very natural. Maybe it was our age, after all, we had the privilege of watching several marriages and the opportunity to watch what worked and didn't work.

At any rate the Infertility roller coaster is where we are... where we may stay for a while. This is the one that's really throwing us for a loop... really making us question who we are, where our faith lies, and just how much we can stand. It continues to throw us from side to side, up and down, and all around as we wait. We stand in line again and again. Occassionally we see people exit on the other side... the exit that leads to parenthood. But mostly, we see people exit the roller coaster only to wait in line for it once more. The thing about this roller coaster is that it's a "not by choice" roller coaster. Every other roller coaster in life, a person gets to choose... who you will date, who you will marry, a path to a new career... those are things you choose.. Noone has EVER chosen infertility! And yet some of us end up there. If you've ever spent a day at Cedar Point or Great America, you know that after a day of riding roller coasters, you are quite worn out and exhausted, maybe feeling a little bit green. Imagine you were "not by choice" condemned to riding those coasters for 2 years straight... I'd imagine most of us might not survive that. We wouldn't be able to gain nutrition, have any rest, take in liquids, or do any of the things your body needs to do to regain it's strength.

Unfortunately, after 2+ years on the Infertility Roller Coaster, we need a break. We need some recoop time, some time to take in nutrition, have a rest, get our feet firmly rooted on solid ground again. After a month of negative ovulation tests, negative pregnancy test, and hope beyond all hope... we see no signs of pregnancy or ovulation. While that could be very disheartening and it is, we're also ok. We aren't giving up, we just need a time out. In 31 days we are headed to FL for a couple of weeks. We are counting the days and so ready to just kick back and focus on life, our marriage, our family, our friends, and not have to worry about baby stuff for a little bit. Not that we won't think about it... it's always there, that ache for a baby of our own to hold. But it's time to just breathe. Then when we have caught our breath from all the ups, downs, loops, and turns, we will hop back on again and press forward. I'm not sure how many posts I will have between now and then... but please pray with us that God will show his power in our lives and bodies and bring us closer to Him during this "breathe" session.

The Thing about Infertility

It goes without saying that the journey down the road of infertility is hard. The ups and downs are constant. Sometimes the downs last only minutes and other times they last longer and go deeper than any of the joys you can highlight from the journey. I often commented that I don't know how a person gets through something this personal and emotional without the Love and hope of the Father... and at the same time, a believer may have a more difficult time. You see, Satan, doesn't really care about those that don't put their trust in the One True God. He'd rather spend his time working on the one's that do put their trust in the One True God. That's when those down times become even more potent and painful... because as much as you want to get back up and try again, Satan kicks you when your down. He begins talking and sometimes we begin listening and before we know what's hit us, we are in a deep pit of downness (new word!). A pit that doesn't even allow you to see the light of day and the little joys of life. Instead you begin this self pity party, you become jealous of anything and everything that everyone else seems to have that you don't, you spend your time thinking about what you don't have instead of what you do have, and before you know it, your life and the life of those closest to you is miserable.

I'm writing this because that's where I happen to find myself occassionally. I don't know if that's where I am right now... but I do know that I'm feeling quite sad instead of happy lately and that breaks my heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. My poor husband comes home and I dump on him. Not beacause of anything he's done, or hasn't done, but because of me. And lately, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole where I can't hurt those who love me and where I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. I'm not ok! I don't know how else to say it.

I need a break... time away from my hum drum life. It's such a joy and such a heartache to care for two little girls each day. They fill my days with smiles and giggles and coos and at the end of the day, they go back to their mothers. It's difficult to swallow. And maybe that's why my husband gets dumped on at the end of the day, because when I send those sweet girls back to their mothers, it's a constant reminder, everyday, that I'm not a mother. What's the saddest about that is that I am a child of God and my joy and fulfillment shouldn't come from their smiles and giggles. It shouldn't come from my husband or his romantic gestures. My enjoyment should come from God and God alone... So why doesn't it? How do I begin to heal and find my joy and my contentment, my peace and my zest for life, my everything in Him? I don't know... I honestly don't know. I need a change, but I just don't know what.

For starters, there's a letter that I've been needing to write. It goes a little something like this...

Dear Satan, (although that seems to cordial for a beast like you)

Who do you think you are, coming into my life and kicking me while I'm down? Why do you think you deserve any part of my day. You don't! You don't deserve a thing from me. Not one ounce of my time and even though you get a foothold once in a while, no more! I am a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, My Everlasting Father, My Prince of Peace. You can not measure up to Him in any way, shape, or form. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not lead me down the path of destruction. He will accomplish great things in me. After all, He started a good work in me and only He is faithful to complete it. There is no good in you and nothing good can come from you. It's time you backed off! You know you cannot win, because My GOD has overcome you already!

With Power from My God,
Lisa


The next step? I don't know... but that's the thing about infertility... the next steps are always so uncertain and never guaranteed. But then, that's the thing about our God, He is a constant in this uncertain world! Now if we could only focus on that....

Change in Plans...

It is amazing to me how God works when we least expect it. Not that we expect Him not to work, but a lot of times, I think we get caught up in the factual elements of our situation and forget that God is far from only factual... He doesn't need big bank accounts or medicine deposits or endorsements from well-knowns to accomplish His purpose in our lives. No, all He needs is a person willing and ready to be used by Him in a powerful way.

It seems like so long since we've started a journey, and yet to some of you, our journey is rather short. It's not over... this is not a post to announce that we are going to be parents, although I hope that comes very soon. Instead this is a post to explain some things that have happened recently that have temporarily changed our path and the way that we thought we were headed.

I will say this.. We really believed we were headed in the right direction and that might still be a path we need to tread, but for now, we have to make the change that feels right at this moment.

Let me explain. In our almost three years of marriage and over 2 years of trying to start a family, we have never felt more sure of anything than we do right now. In the 2 + years that we have been working with doctors, dealing with meds, enduring tests and procedures, my body has not responded to anything in the way it was supposed to. After Dr. Pete referred us to The Fertility Center (TFC) we have in way set back and taken a break from the many medicines and procedures and doctors visits. I am pleased to say, that it has been the most stress-free months of our journey. We didn't have to plan our intimate moments, we didn't have to remember to take meds and remember when to call the doctor and scurry around to find sitters for my babysitting charges so that I could run in for a quick ultrasound that revealed nothing new. It was peaceful and lovely and a complete blessing.

I believe partly as a result of the stress-free environment that break created, I ovulated. Completely on my own (although we know it was definitely a God-thing because I can count on my hands the number of times over the past 14 years of my life that I have actualy had a period that was not induced by medicine)with no medicine, no crazy procedures, no doctors... except one. THE GREAT PHYSICIAN!

I will not lie, we shed a few tears. Not because the pregnancy test I took still shouted NOT PREGNANT, but because I OVULATED! Granted, we didn't know so we weren't able to plan accordingly, but still I did. For all of you reading this blog who have never struggled with infertility, you may be thinking we are crazy for being thankful for a natural period.... but we are thanking God for his hand in the matter. We are thanking Him for this little ray of hope that shouts "I'm still in control of this... I don't need money or medicines or well-educated specialist. I don't need fancy offices with beautiful exam rooms, and I don't need all the high-tech instruments the world has to offer these days. All I need is my voice and a willing vessel to be used." So here, we stand willing vessels ready to be used by Him to acconplish great things and bring glory to His name.

We understand that this does not guarantee that I will ovulate again naturally. For the time being, though, we have decided not to pursue TFC and their plan. We feel strongly that this is a call from God for a couple of different reasons. At first when we found out that I had indeed ovulated and was now having a natural period, we rushed around getting things into place, planning to fill our not-planned-up weekend with doctors appts and procedures. But the more and more we rushed into it, the more and more we felt uneasy...our money is not yet in place so that was a source of our unease, and we just really couldn't get past the feeling of overlooking God's working and rushing to the doctor's for help without seeking the Great Physicians help and allowing Him to do His thing.

We are not trying to become these great examples. We are not trying to gain the approving glances and praises... "They are so strong or they have so much faith stepping out in such a way"... what we are trying to do, is step back, and in peace, give it to Him and let Him work. That's something that we've always desired, but I'm not sure we've ever done. I do want to say for my friends and loved ones who have sought out help from specialist... we are not saying that it is wrong... we may indeed need it down the road. I believe God has put specialist into place for people like us. But for where we are right now, we feel that it's important for us to step our in faith and Be still and Know that He is God... THEE GOD!

Thank you Lord, for working in such a way to catch our attention and call us to your side. Please forgive us for the many hours we have spent thinking only about what we want and forgetting to put your desires ahead of our own. God work in a way that makes it undeniably Your Work so that you might be glorified in our lives. We love you, Father!

I have thought about and started this blog many times. So many words have passed through my mind, I'm not sure what ones I should actually use. Not sure what ones are the important ones to post. I know this, God is speaking to me lately and I need to share with you just how.

Monday marked a distinct turn in our journey to have a family. We had our first consultation with the Fertility Specialist and thus the reason for the turn. Everything feels a little more real now... like we are finally on the right path... finally headed somewhere closer to where we so desire to be. It's not that I feel we have wasted anytime. In fact, it's not been wasted at all. While I look back over the last couple of years and know that we had hoped to have a baby already, I also realize that I wouldn't trade the time that we have grown as a couple, as Christians, as tools being used for God's glory. The time has been priceless even though it has not produced our desire, a child of our own.

We are praying that that is all soon going to change, but again, we know that God has a perfect plan and His timing is not always ours. We know that all too well, to be quite honest. It's odd to me that I talk so much about God's perfect timing... fertility treatments are all about timing. You have to take this med for 3 days, then give yourself a shot for 10 days, then in between that you need to show up for ultrasounds, and finally, you can physically try for a baby. It gives me a headache just trying to remember what we're supposed to do and when. And if I'm honest, it makes me a little bit angry that it's not as "easy" as it should be... and makes me a little bit jealous of all those couples who just think about having a baby and they get pregnant. Praise God for blessing them in that way.

We are headed down the path that will hopefully lead us to a baby of our own. We will begin with another semen analysis for Heath just to be sure everything is good on his side. We are trusting that things will still be looking good as they were a couple of years ago. Following that begins our meds regiment.... I'm feeling a little nervous about all of this. We will induce a cycle for me and then do an ultrasound scan to see how things are progressing. They will prescribe injectable meds that will hopefully cause me to produce matured follicles. Once they can see those matured follicles, they will give me another injection to force my body to release those potential babies. After which time we will be able to try on our own.

It is very difficult to feel positive when it seems like we've faced treatment after treatment with no results. But, God is good, I feel His hand leading us and I think we are in a good place. The meds I've been on before have never done what they are supposed to and I suppose that is where some of my doubt stems from as well. None the less, we press on, because what else are we going to do? My friends blog is called "Childless Not By Choice"... we are not going to choose to be childless, at least not until we have exhausted our resources and feel a direct call from God to be childless.

The Lord has been speaking to me through his Children, through His Word, and through music lately... actually I can see Him in just about everything I come into contact with. My day to day life is filled with Him and for that I am thankful. I am so grateful for my sweet friend Kara who has been there, done that, is doing that, and is living to tell about it. She is blunt and too the point and not in a bad way. I am able to share with her in ways I never thought possible, but there's just something about having that commonness (if that's a word) of infertility that binds us together heart and soul! We have talked often about how the Lord brought us both to Grace Evangelical Free Church at just the right time and allowed us to meet. That is such a blessing to Heath and I to know that we are not in it alone. Granted there are others who have been there, done that... some even in our own family, but I guess it's just nice to have a non-family, non-biased view on everything. She and I are looking forward to starting a support group for couples struggling through infertility. Even as I say that, I can't believe I'm actually going to be used by God in such a way. I'm not sure at this point what exactly it's going to look like or how it will be run... I just know that I'm very sure that God's hand is in it. We are praying right now for a place to meet and direction for the designing of the program. We want it to be a safe place where hurting childless couples can come to seek support, encouragement, and love from God and His people. Please pray with us that God will direct us in just the right path and at just the right time.

I suppose it's time I close this ever lengthening blog... we have not reached the end of our journey, but we are hopeful. To quote my friend Kara's blog "Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end!"

Seize Every Opportunity

It's funny the things people say to you about babies. I'm not talking about the ones that tell you about how "your time will come" and "the prize is well worth the wait" and all the other cliches that we, as a couple struggling through infertility, come to despise. We smile, nod our heads in agreement, and move on. No, I'm talking about the comments people make when you actually do have a baby in your arms. Granted, it may not be your own like in our case, but still... the things people say are funny.

A couple of days ago I took our neighbor's 3 month old, that I care for regularly, out to Walmart. My plan was to scoot in while she was happy and get a few things and exchange Heath's shirts for the correct size. Heath was with me but had gone to look for a couple of things while I stood in line at the Customer Service counter. Baby decided it was time to eat, so I stood holding her bottle while we waited. A couple, probably older than us, came up behind me. By that time the baby had finished eating and was smiling away at me as I clicked my tongue at her. So precious! I found the couple behind me smiling intently at us. They asked how old she was "3 months" I replied. They commented "You are very lucky to have a little girl, and a smiling one at that." As I've done with my niece when I was out and about with her, I didn't claim her as my own, but didn't tell them she wasn't mine either. I wasn't being weird or anything, just sometimes it's not best to have to go into detail about why you have this child that's not yours... Anyway, all I said to their comment was "Yes, thanks!" But I kinda got caught up in their eyes... they seemed full of pain and desire. Somewhat like I think mine look when I see/think about babies. As I am typing this I feel so badly that I didn't speak up, explain that she was not mine, and then share with them that we also are struggling with empty arms. Share with them some kind of hope. Maybe give them a smile and let them know that they are not alone in their journey. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I do agree. Afterwards as I was relaying the story to Heath, I could think of all kinds of things to say... just in the moment, my brain was blank. I don't know for sure what their situation is, but I know this... I may have missed an opportunity to reach out to a hurting soul. Whether they were aching from the fact that they don'thave children or aching from the loss of a child... I wish I could turn back time and comfort them in some way.

Yesterday I took a trip to the movie store to pick up a couple of our freebies for the month. While I was there, Aurelia (the neighbor's baby), was quietly cooing in her carseat. It's funny cause there were only 3 people in the store besides the workers. Aurelia, myself, and this teddy bear of a black man with a cigar sticking out of his mouth. I secretly love the smell of cigar smoke. While he was not smoking it, the scent clung to his clothes and wafted behind him as he walked. For some odd reason, we continued to run into each other, even as big as the store is. So, I was not surprised at all when he ended up in line behind me. He began to talk to me as I was checking out and commented on Aurelia. "That's some handsome baby you have there" he said. I smiled and said "Thank you!" He said, "Wait, is that your baby?" I didn't hear him at first because I was talking to the cashier, so he repeated "Is that your child?" "No," I responded "It's our neighbor baby that I'm babysitting". "Well you make sure you take her back to her mama, then." It kind of made me chuckle... this complete stranger was reminding me that the baby wasn't mine and I needed to return her. He said it again as I was walking out the door. "You take her back, now, ya hear!" "I will!" I promised.

You see, it doesn't matter who you run into when you have a baby, they always have something to say. And it doesn't matter who you run into when you're trying to have a baby, they always have some piece of advice. The question is, How do you respond? Do you smile, nod your head, and move on? Or do you seize every opportunity to reach out to the hurting soul and be an example of Christ amidst your own hurt?

Some may say that my brutal honesty on this blog is a little offensive. Others may think that it's too personal of a situation to be sharing with the cyber world. They may think it's not Biblical to air my dirty laundry for the whole world to see. But let me assure you that, to me, it is a means for me to seize the opportunity each time I post to reach out to another hurting soul. It's an opportunity for me to share my faith in the midst of this huge roller coaster of infertility and a way for me to challenge others to build their faith! Praise God, for giving me the words to share that may in some way, shape, or form reach another person for Christ!

Praying for Direction

We attended the Fertility Seminar at the Fertility Center with Dr. Dodds on the 13th of this month. We left so excited, feeling good and like we were headed in the right direction. The information we received was abundant, but very good. It seems as though Dr. Pete has taken us through all of the pre-liminary steps that Dr. Dodds would do for a new patient. That's encouraging, because when/if we do move on to The Fertility Center, we will be able to start in soon with treatments that will hopefully work. Dr. Dodds seems to have a lot of experience with PCOS and Endometriosis and their pregnancy rate is the highest in the country.

We though we had overcome the insurance issue. Not too long ago, the Fertility Center added a 3rd doctor to their practice. He happened to be an in-network provided, unfortunately not through the Fertility Center, but with his other practices. Adter several conversations with the insurance company, they assured me that if my Primary Care Physician would refer us to the new doctor, that would be authorization for coverage even if we didn't end up seeing Dr. Leach each time beacause of the time-sensitive nature of infertility.

As I waited for my Dr. to call with the referral appt and such, I felt uneasy... unwilling to believe that what the insurance company said on that specific day, was actually going to pan out. I feel like I tread lightly and every time I call them, I get a different answer... one time it will be good news, the next they dash my hopes. This time was no different. I called once again to confirm the appts and the coverage. No such blessing! There is absolutely no way for us to see Dr. Leach, Dodds, or Young at the Fertility Center and receive coverage. The only way would be if there were no other specialist in the area. Unfortunately, Dr. Daly, whom we have not heard great things about is the only in-network Fertility Specialist in the area. They told me, he's your only option. If he's my only option, how is that an option... if we have no other choice?

I get so angry! I'm angry that I can't give my husband the family he desires. I'm angry that insurance companies are completely ridiculous with all their regulations and hoops to jump through. I'm angry because our options don't even seem like options, but instead impossibilities. Yes, we are blessed that we have 50% coverage for fertility treatments, but at what cost? We are forced to see impersonal, insensitive doctors because that's all that the insurance company will pay for.

In my moment of tears and weakness (a very long one, I might add) I did a request online for insurance coverage. I guess my thought, crazy as it might be, was that maybe we could get insurance that had more options for doctors. Moments later I was ambushed (ha!) with numerous calls and emails from insurance agents. Stupid me! Did you know that most individual insurance companies will deny you because of infertility AND they are doing away with Maternity coverage too. I don't understand... this world we live in... the insurance companies will cover a woman killing her innocent baby, but refuses to even allow healthcare for expectant mothers or those that desire to have a family. As much as it hurts my heart, I imagine it is so much more painful for our Father who created life.

I know this seems like a complaining post.. perhaps it is.. if you are or have ever struggled with infertility, then you know the pain things like this cause. You know the struggles that we face each day and the ache that settles in your heart and dictates how you respond to things of these nature.

Yet again, we are unsure where we are headed. Do we go to the Fertility Center, not covered, and step out in faith? We feel like the Center is a very promising place. Do we ignore what our heart is saying and see Dr. Daly? Do we forget the dream of having biological children and check out adoption? And if we do... any of these, where is the money coming from? I know that at The Fertility Center, they often have donated medicines and procedures that they write off, so do we trust that that is where God wants us and press on? How do we know where God wants us? I feel so positive about The Fertility Center, but what does that mean? Am I just scared to face Dr. Daly and his poor bedside manner? And, if God can proved 50%of the money for us to see Dr. Daly, then he get provide 100% to see Dr. Dodds.

Father, so many things going through our minds and settling on our hearts. Lord, you know our desires. YOu know the BEST path for us. Please make our path clear. Show us exactly what you have planned and help us to trust in you no matter the difficulty. We know you know Best and we want what your will is for our lives. Keep us strong, let our love continue to grow, give us direction...

Rollercoaster ups and downs

It was by no accident that I jumped in the car at exactly 10am this morning to head out to my follicle scan. For at just that time, the song on the radio was saying the exact words I needed to hear "I am here, I am here, you will make it through this..."

I have learned that this fertility journey is a roller coaster of a ride. You feel down and discouraged, then all of a sudden things start moving and you feel hope again, only to be followed by another dashed dream and low spot in your life. And sometimes if you're not so lucky, you even get loopdy loops that turn you complete upside down... the difference with the roller coaster and actual life is that if you do a loop on a rollercoaster, it always brings you out of it and sets your feet on solid ground. Life on the other hand sometimes tips you upside down and you are left with pieces, not dry ground.

I feel overwhelmed with the results of the follicle scan today. There were no follicles over 1cm... that means that the Clomid still is not doing the trick. A part of me is ready to say ENOUGH... but then my dream is completely shattered. Then I may never have a child to call my own... and frankly I can't bear to continue pouring myself into everyone elses without hope for my own. It hurts too much when I have to face the facts that they are not mine. Dr. Pete wants to see me again and for the second time now has said he may need to refer us to a specialist. That breaks my heart... we do not have the money for that. I don't know what we will do. We are not in an easy situation. I have doubts that if we do nothing, my body will ever produce mature eggs and ovulate on it's own. It's just not likely to happen with PCOS and ENDO. On the other hand, we are not financially in a position where we can start looking at adoption or considering a specialist. I just don't know... I know that to God money is no issue, so do we step out in faith knowing that He'll close the door if it's not where He wants us... or is this a closed door?

We have a Fertility Seminar at The Fertility Center in Grand Rapids this Thursday. We are looking forward to it and learning more about the center. We also, by attending, will get a free consultation with the doctors. That will save us $232 and they will be able to give us an idea of what kind of procedures and fees we are looking at which will also help us determine what we can and cannot afford to do.

Our hearts hurt. I feel it deep down in my soul... the sorrow of empty arms... the sorrow of not knowing what is planned for our lives and whether we will ever get to hold our precious baby! I had a dream the other night... we finally had our little girl. SHe was adorable with her daddy's eyes and nose and with my smile. I woke up just sad... I don't like waking up from those dreams... I want them to be real. I can still see her sweet face and I can't help but wonder if this dream of ours will ever be a reality. At any rate, we have no choice but to continue on.... on this roller coaster of life known as Infertility.

May God Speak Today and Everyday!

Merry Christmas to all my dear friends and fellow couples struggling with infertility. It goes without saying that the Holiday's hold a certain sadness when your arms are empty. My sweet friends, I feel your pain... at the same time, Christmas is about giving and promises kept and that is what we must focus on. We must consciously give of ourselves to others. We must put on the smile and enjoy our family and share in the Christmas spirit. Odd isn't it, that the reason we are able to be here celebrating Christmas is because of a baby born so long ago. A baby... what we think of as the source of our pain right now, is really the source of our LIFE, joy, everlasting love, arms that are always around us, strength that comes only from that SON, and a knowledge that ALL IS WELL!

Yes, it is hard for me to type this. Yes, I want to just go to bed and not have to face all the pregnant bellies, birth talks, "what my baby is doing" braggings. But, for no other reason than to remember HIS birth and HIS promise of returning, I will press on. I will endure those talks, I will cuddle with my nieces and nephews, I will ENJOY Christmas with my family and friends. Yes, I have to make a conscious effort to remember these things, because I haven't forgotten the battle we have been fighting for close to 2 years. Yes, there will likely be tears; however I will strive to remember the real reason for Christmas.. which is not about me, but about HIM!

I have been hearing from God quite often lately. I suspect it is partly because of last weeks church service... I can't tell you what the name of the message was or all the bullet points, but I can tell you what God spoke to me. For the last 2 years I have been faithful in reading through my Bible during the course of the year. I get out my sheet of paper that list all the passages for each day, I read them, and I check them off my list. Sometimes I actually hear what I read, but a lot of times I was finding myself checking off the list and moving on with my day, not really letting HIS WORD sink in. I would get up in the morning, hurry out to the living room, read my passage, check it off, and turn on a movie that I had been thinking about watching or fix up a breakfast that sounded good. Hardly ever did I take time to consider what I had read and how it applied to my life. Last Sunday; however, something changed in me when I heard the message. Pastor talked about what Christmas could teach us about the Bible... it teaches us it is TRUTH. The one things that Pastor said that stuck out to me was that we needed to spend time in His word AND let it sink in, let it change us, let it renew our spirits. This week I have done that and I can tell an immediate difference in me being able to hear what God is speaking to me. He doesn't speak strictly through His word, but He has used other people, books, and songs to speak to me this week. I'm sure He has never stopped speaking to me, it's just that I was too wrapped up in ME to listen to what HE had to say. Oh Father, please forgive me for putting myself before YOU... the one who sent His Son so long ago, a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, to be my source of life. If I focus on any baby this season, please let it be Your Son!

There are things I've always known to be true that God has reminded me of this week. The one that I'm putting into practice this Holiday season is letting Joy find it's place in my life. The Bible says " Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith will develop patience." And so, I will choose to consider it JOY... the PURE JOY will have to come from only HIM. Even the JOY we sometimes need help with, because our own human selves have a hard time taking our eyes off our own troubles and finding joy in the midst of the sorrow.

Emotions Running Close to the Surface

We have had an emotional few days. It all started on Sunday with our Pastor's sermon... The Expectancy of Christmas. The sermon was about the fact that we so often get wrapped up in the point of Christmas being the birth of Jesus, that we forget that it is actually just the beginning. In bringing His son to the earth, God was fulfilling the prophesies and the promises... the expectancy of Christmas is not the birth of Jesus, but the fact that God fulfilled what was told and He will do so again at His second coming.

The part that got us, was when our pastor told the story of how he cried as he held his daughter Kathryn for the first time. He was overwhelmed with joy. This of course brought tears to my eyes... I just couldn't stop them. I felt like such a crazy emotional person, but it just made me think of this desire that we have. It made me think about Heath and how much he wants and deserves a child. I can just imagine him being the same way that Kevin was... I know, especially because of the wait, that there will be many tears. What a precious thing it will be to see Heath hold our child for the first time. It breaks my heart to think that God may not think it best to send us a child. We came home from church in a puddle of tears and just crashed. We ate lunch and then went to bed and didn't get up to go to small group. We were emotionally drained, and still feel somewhat that way today. What breaks my heart is seeing Heath so broken over this. He desperately desires a child... the great unknown is so difficult. I am so blessed to call him my husband... never once has he made me feel as if it's my fault, never once has he been non-supportive. He's always there... every time the tears overtake my composure,every time the results of a test are less than what we wanted, every time I just need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on. And it breaks my heart to not be able to give him his deepest desire. I want it more for him, then I do for myself some days. I guess that is what a Godly marriage looks like. Thank you Father, for blessing us beyond compare!

Our faith is stronger than it has ever been and for that reason, I can praise God in the midst of the storm. That's not to say we don't have faithless times. On the contrary, as strong as our faith is becoming and as much as it is growing, I feel as if the faithless times are still predominant. God is in control. He knows our deepest desires and His perfect timing is just that.. PERFECT!

Last night I made a quick trip to Hastings to see my brand new, only hours old, nephew, Collin Michael. He was so adorable. I stayed well past the time I should have and ended up driving home on icy roads and lots of snow. I just couldn't pull myself away from his sweet baby smells and little whimpers. In the couple of hours I spent with him, he grabbed my heart and I will not be the same. When everyone else had gone and Stac was in the bathroom, I will admit that I shed a few tears. I can't even explain them except that the sorrow is overwhelming sometimes. Amidst all the babies being born and new "I'm pregnant" announcements, there are days that I want to just lock myself in the house and not go anywhere just to save myself from the sadness of watching an expectant mother caress her ever-growing belly or see Daddy's eyes twinkle as their child toddles around. I want to turn off the TV and have to never again hear about the sweet children that are abused, molested, killed every day. It angers me to think that people like that have babies and I do not. More so because of the child that deserved so much more, and not as much because of my empty arms.

The Lord is working on my heart. It feels like adoption is coming up in conversation, radio and TV programs, comments from people... and I wonder if God is preparing us for adoption. I don't know that He is and I don't feel ready to throw in the towel for us to have our own biological children, but I just wonder if He is using these things to prepare our hearts and open our eyes to the possibilities. Now that would be a miracle.. if we were able to adopt, because right now we are scraping by and I'm just not sure where the money would come from. Isn't that just like the disciples at the Feeding of the 5,000? Jesus says, "Feed them".. and rather than looking back to Him for the bread, they start worrying about where the money will come from to buy all the bread needed. He had a plan all along.. but He was testing their faith to see if it was in Him. Lord, give me faith that can move mountains. Help me to remember that where you are concerned, MONEY is no issue at all!

We will begin another round of 150mg Clomid in a couple of weeks. We are hopeful that this month will produce the desired results. But if not, we will press on knowing that there is a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine. He is the Great Healer, the Almighty Father, the Prince of Peace... God, send us your peace in the midst of this storm. Calm our hearts and prepare us for what you have in store.

A few things I'm pondering...

We are at my parents spending the night so that we can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with them this afternoon. Since we were in town and Nikki was busy, we took our 5 mo old niece, Mackenna for the night. Isabelle tagged along so we have both of our Hastings nieces with us. So fun!

It's 4am and I just finished feeding Mackenna. While I know that many mother's complain about these so-called 4am feedings and the multiple times that they must get up in the night to care for their little blessings, I couldn't stop smiling. It was such a joy, such a sweet moment... Mackenna's smiles and coos made crawling out of my warm bed at 4 in the morning a blessing. Now, I know to those of you who have children and have spent many hours up at all hours of the night that it may not seem a blessing. It may be that I am inexperienced, may be my naivete at this whole ritual, or maybe, just maybe it's the way God designed it... for that time to be a sweet reminder of all you hold dear. The time when you can focus solely on that blessing and just enjoy the sweet smiles and coos that only you get. There is just something about knowing that you have that sweet child to care for that makes it so easy for me to hop out of bed and make everything all right with them! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

What if I never get to experience that with my own child? What if all I get is the limited time I get to share with my nieces and nephews? What if the what if's is all I get? Dear God, WHAT IF? I don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I'll be OK... at the same time, I know that if that is God's will for our life, He will give us the strength to press through it.

Dr. Pete did contact us a couple of days ago. He wants to see me, not just talk on the phone. We have scheduled an appt for December 2. He says he wants to talk about options and maybe refer us to a specialist... that makes me nervous. The moment we step into The Fertility Center, I'm not sure what our insurance will cover. I don't want to see Dr. Daly with Grand Rapids Fertility, because I have not heard great things about his bedside manor. I've heard nothing but praise for Dr. Dodds and Dr. Young at The Fertility Center. Only problem is that they are not in-network doctors. So while our insurance will pay 50% of most fertility procedures with Dr. Daly, it is questionable whether they will with The Fertility Center doctors. We did register for an infertility seminar in January with The Fertility Center and that ensures that our first consultation fee of $232 will be waived. That's good for starters. We are praying that He guides and we will know exactly what to do. In the meantime, we wait..

I have begun selling Pampered Chef. I am staying very busy between watching little Jessi and keeping up on my business. I LOVE it... love doing the shows and love getting out and sharing my knowledge of the Pampered Chef products. I just recently did a Candy-making show for one of my friends from church. It was quite fun and the recipes were so yummy. They are super easy.. perhaps I should post them! One of my most favorite things about this show was the fact that I got to work with 4 little girls... 2 sets of twins. I would say they are maybe age 7 and 3. What a blessing. They were so sweet with their little aprons and chef's hats. They LOVE baking and had a great time dipping pretzels, rolling Oreo balls, and SPRINKLES, LOTS of SPRINKLES! It made me dream of the day I will have my own little ones to pull up a stool next to me and help me in the kitchen. Such a sweet moment that I look forward to.

Lord, you know my heavy heart today. You can see what I can not and you know what I do not. Please help me keep my eyes on you, putting my faith in only you and relying fully on you. Teach me what you have for me to learn and lead us where you want us. Make us willing to follow whatever the cost. We love you! Amen.

Back to Square One

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. In fact, today was one of those days. We felt so hopeful going into our ultra/sound, but alas, the hope was for naught, because our potential babies were back down to less than 1cm.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, the meds apparently were not strong enough to encourage fully matured eggs to grow. We're still not sure whether that means that we need to do another round at the same dosage or if we need to increase. Because the doctor was on vacation, we did not get to see him. While the tech was very knowledgeable, she did not have all of our background, so it's hard to say. It could be that they grew to the right size and I ovulated, but she didn't seem to think that was very likely. I have a feeling she may be right.

I'm hoping for a call from Dr. Pete on Monday to let us know where we go from here. I feel like we had this huge high, feeling encouraged by Tuesday's u/s only to be dropped today. I guess it's best not to get our hopes up, but tell me, just how do you do that? How do you NOT hope for something that you desperately long for. Even the Bible talks about Hope when we can't see something. If we hope in something we can see, is that really hope? There are days that I wish we could know what the future holds, but then even as I spend time dreaming of that, I realize that it is not in our best interest to see the big picture. I'm not sure we could handle it... if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, there would be no reason for us to keep pressing on. Or, if it did turn out the way we wanted, we would drive ourselves crazy and probably make poor decisions trying to hurry things along. And then there's the factor of FAITH and HOPE... there would be no need for it if we knew exactly what would happen and when. No, as much as I want things right now, I'm satisfied placing my faith and hope in the all-knowing, all-wise, all-powerful, very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. The one who holds us when we cry and listens when we just want to scream.

Finally Feeling Encouraged

We had our ultrasound yesterday... actually to be medically correct it was a Follicle Study to determine if the Clomid is triggering follicle growth or not. Last month, when I was on 100mg, there was no growth. There were several cysts that were under 1cm in diameter. They likely were just the symptoms of PCOS.

This month; however, we did 150mg of Clomid and the results seem to prove that we're getting closer to the right dosage and one step closer to our baby. Just saying that causes and overwhelming excitement in us. We can't wait to hold our baby one day. What a day that will be... overwhelming JOY, I'm sure!

The ultrasound determined that there was one egg on the right side that was 1.4cm and two on the left side that were 1.2cm and 1.3 cm. YAY! That means the Clomid is at least triggering growth. We will know on Friday whether it's triggering growth enough to cause my body to release the matured egg or whether we need to try another month or so of Clomid. If when we go in on Friday, the eggs have reached the 2-2.5 cm that is required for them to be considered mature, then we will have an HCG shot to force my body to release the egg. If not, I'm not sure what Dr. Pete will want to do. He may want me to do another month of 150mg, or he may up it to increase the growth and release, or he may try a different more potent drug.

Whatever happens, I feel energized and very hopeful. There's just something about knowing that we are getting closer that rejuvenates us and solidifies the fact that we are on the right track. I will admit that on the way home from the appt I sat next to Heath, holding his hand, and so many pictures were flashing through my mind. As much as I've wanted a baby, I've never pictured myself pregnant. I've never thought about all the changes it will bring and the fun it will bring. I can't wait... at the same time I'm freaking out a little bit because it seems so close and so far away at the same time. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I will admit, it's very difficult!

My Child,
I can't wait for the moment that I will be able to share the news of you with our family. They will be so excited to meet you and love you. You need to know that Daddy and I love you already, even now, when you are just a dream of ours and not a reality yet. You will be so beautiful. We thank God every day for Him allowing you to enter our lives and hold a very special place in our hearts. Until we meet, We love you!
Mommy and Daddy