There have been times in this journey where I think that I can't take another upset. If you are struggling through infertility or have in the past, then you know those times I'm talking about.
This past weekend was one of those times. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to do our U/S, Heath grabbed my hand and quietly and with great emotion we prayed that the Lord would work in the situation. I remember feeling a peace about the situation in that moment even though I had no idea what we would find. I do remember having doubts and I guess that stemmed from so many other times of hoping for a good report and not getting one. For whatever reason, although I did feel peace, I didn't think the report was going to be what we had hoped for. Call it a woman's intuation...
It is a frustrating thing to sit on the table and hope only to hear that there really isn't much going on. And it's in that moment that I wonder if God even heard our plea for encouragement. It's in that moment that I consider just how many times I can feel let down and discouraged. And yet, It's in that moment that I have no choice but to rest in the promises that He's given us. The ones that say "I will never leave you or forsake you". The promises that remind me that His timing is perfect. And the promises that allow me to bask in His never ending love... despite my doubts, my sin of unbelief, and my anger that things can't be as easy for us as they are for others.
Friday was just an all around rough day. It goes without saying that we cried... a lot. It goes without saying that it was a struggle to press on and complete my job for the day. I will admit though, that I was almost glad to hear from Dr. Dodds that he wanted us to cancel our cycle and wait for the next one to do something different. I guess really, I was getting to the end of what I could emotionally handle. Each of the four times we went in, I felt more discouraged and more doubtful. I was actually glad that we could take a break from that discouragement and try a different route that perhaps would show different results.
I know that most people would look at infertility as a curse. I'm not discrediting that... I certainly don't enjoy the battle we are fighting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I am thankful for what the Lord has been faithfully teaching us through it and I am thankful for the opportunity that I have almost daily to reach out to others. It is a privilege and I do feel quite humbled that the Lord would allow me to be used to encourage others in the same situation. To be quite honest, there really is no other good reason for infertility to be in existence, than for the Lord to be glorified in our struggle.
If you are struggling through infertility, please don't give up! Please realize that there are others who are right there with you. While our stories may have different circumstances and very different endings, there is still a common ache in the hearts of couples with empty arms. Don't forget that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has something up His sleeve just for us. And it's something good. There is no promise in the Bible that says that our dreams of being parents will be realized, but there are promises abounding! Never lose hope... God can take the most impossible situation and make it into a perfect little miracle. In fact, I believe that He is most glorified when He accomplishes those complex fertility and pregnancy issues. He is the ultimate healer, so no matter the obstacle, He is very capable! Praise God for His abounding mercies and ever present love, his hands that hold us, and his arms that protect us from the weight of this struggle.
8.23.2011
8.19.2011
Canceled Cycle= Pain
It really doesn't take much for a woman battling infertility to lose her composure and cry in front of just about anyone. But having said that... I've withstood a lot in the last couple of weeks and I need to cry.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
First we start with Provera a terrible drug that brings on a period so that we can start our first cycle with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center. I get moody. I cry at the drop of the hat. I get mad over the dumbest things. And then in the next minute... I laugh seemingly about nothing as well. Heath endures the 10 days or so and is the most gentle understanding "gonna stay out of the way" husband anyone could ask for.
Next we have our first U/S on day 3 of our cycle and find that there are several cysts on my ovaries, that really mean nothing and weren't all that surprising, since I do have PCOS. Really no surprise at the appt. The pharmacy, well that's another story. Already at the end of our first appt and our first med dosage, we are more than half way through our set aside baby money. I felt the stress building as I realized that $1100 is really getting us nowhere in the grand scheme of things. I am quite sure that we knew it wouldn't get us far, but the shelling out of it had begun and it became a reality.
The stop at the pharmacy was frustrating to say the least. Knowing that we were low on funds, the dR. had prescribed a vial for our meds that would give us 600iu, but we would only be paying for the 450iu that it sold as. Unfortunately, the pharmacy did not order the vial, but rather the pen. Which, I've discovered is much nicer to dose out, but not nearly as overfilled as the vial. I call them after confirming that the dr. did indeed order the vial. They couldn't really do anything with it, but would put on my file that I wanted the vial from here on out and would actually order it in, for when I needed it next time. Ok.
I took shots for the next 5 days and that was a treat. The first night, Heath was like a drill sergeant. I'm not sure he likes me saying that... in fact, I know he doesn't... that's why the other 4 nights, he stayed out of the room while I was poking myself! Ha ha!
We go to our 2nd u/s on Day 10 of our cycle. Many small follicles on the 5 days of 75iu. The largest was 9, so they increased our dosage to 112.5 and we did that for 3 days.
Another stop at the pharmacy. They ordered the pen again. I had to tell them that the vial came in 450iu because they thought it only came in 1200 iu . AND I even had to tell them that the vial was not refrigerated because it was in the form of powder that I would reconstitute myself when I was ready to inject. Ah ha! They finally found it. I asked if there were any way they could discount my prescription since they had messed up on the first one and I should have had 150-300iu more than what I had b/c of their mistake. No. Unfortuntely, I will be honest, and admit that I did cry.. not intentionally, not to receive their sympathy, but because for the second time in a row they were adding stress to an already stressful situation. I did let them know that because of that I would have to take my business elsewhere, because I have more important things to worry about, like my health, than to worry about having to fight tooth and nail for my meds. By the end of the 2nd u/s and now the 2nd dose of meds, we are out of baby money. Actually we are -$8 in the baby fund. Again... an added stress that neither Heath or myself need, but we press on in faith!
Back to TFC on day 14, this time on my own, for 3rd u/s and bloodwork. We find out that the largest follicle is 10mm and my estrogen went up so that's good, but slow growth. Dr. Dodds increased the dosage to 150iu for the next 3 days and back at the end of the week, today actually! Before I get into today... Dr. Dodd's nurse gave me a $200/21 days discount on our Gonal-F. But even better than that, there was a 900iu pen donated that they gave to me. Score! For FREE! That's over $600 of meds. We praised God for His working in the situation. I remember sitting on the table while I was waiting for the nurse and praying that the Lord would just show growth so that we knew we were on the right path. When the nurse said there wasn't much growth I felt disappointed that God didn't answer. Ah, but He did... just in the form of plenty of meds to get us through the cycle. Praise Him for his mysterious ways.
And His ways are mysterious to us... especially in light of today. After 3 more days of Meds, we headed back to TFC, Day 17, for 4th u/s & bloodwork. U/S showed largest follicle was 11mm and my estrogen level had dropped. That was not enough growth to feel encouraged. And the dropping of the estrogen level was opposite of what it should have been. We left there feeling very very discouraged. They didn't really give us a plan, because they wanted to wait until they had gotten the bloodwork and Dr. Dodds had a chance to go over things. Got a call from the nurse, probably my favorite one, Julie, who said Dr. Dodds wanted to stop the cycle and take a break and that we should hear from him later. He did call.
Dr. Dodds doesn't like that my ovaries were not stimulated as they should have been. Next step is to stop the cycle and take a break. When we are ready, I will have some bloodwork to determine how my FSH levels look and that will tell us how healthy my ovaries are. Then from there, we will try a different med called Menopur which will hopefully get those ovaries going. We shall see. It will likely be a couple of weeks before all of this starts since we will have to induce a period.
So there you are... while it may take next to nothing to make a couple struggling through infertility cry, we feel like we've been through the ringer. We are crying. And Praise God, sometimes His healing comes through tears. Listen to the song titled "Blessings" to the left... it says perfectly what we can not express today.
8.04.2011
Still Here, Still Strong!!
Dear friends, it's been a very long time since I've graced you with a post. Some of you may be thinking... yes, it's been quite refreshing to not have to hear Lisa's woes. Well, maybe so, but let me assure you, it's been quite refreshing to have quite a break from meds and doctors appts and disappointments that go along with cycle after cycle of non-success fertility treatments. Don't think that there haven't been times that I've started to post... but as strong as that desire was, the desire to wait, be still, and enjoy the break was much stronger.
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
(Big sigh) At the end of February, we had our first appt with Dr. Dodds at The Fertility Center and came away from it very encouraged, ready to begin, but then again hesitant at the same time. What was most encouraging was that we had a plan, no more guessing, although that was still part of the plan when it came to med dosages and such, but a plan for the most part just the same. Yes, we still had some time to wait... our money was not in place just yet, and well to be quite honest, we were tired and ready for a break. So anticipating our vacation to FL at the end of May, we decided we would take a much needed break, take time to be just the two of us, and time to be still and hear what the Lord had to say about our journey.
What did we learn? Well, what didn't we learn? We learned that things aren't always easy, in fact most times not, but ALL things are possible with Christ's strength. We learned that hope is not dead, it's not lost, and it's ok to HOPE in the Lord. We learned that no matter where our journey leads us, our deepest desire was not the finances to cover our baby costs. Our deepest desire wasn't that we would be able to start a family, or even that it would be quickly, but simply that we would be in His will each step of the way.
It's not easy to learn those things when you're wanting those very things so badly. It's hard to admit that we are so weak when it comes to being in His will... simply because it's hard to know where His will exactly is. This is what I do know... according to Jer. 29:11, He knows the plans he has for us, that they are good and not bad, meant not to harm us but to give us a hope and a future. I know that "He will never leave us or forsake us" and I know that when we put our trust and our faith in Him "He will grant us the desires of our heart". Praise you Lord, for your Word that speaks to us every day!
So where are we now? Well, here it goes! Today was our first U/S with the Fertility Center just to check everything out. I was confirmed healthy save for those pesky little cysts that remain on my ovaries thanks to PCOS. Can I just say, there is no place I think I would feel better about this experience? The nurses, doctors, all the employees are SO AMAZING and so knowledgeable and so supportive. It's great to know we are right where we are supposed to be. Starting Sunday, I will begin the injectable med Gonal-F. The purpose of the med is to encourage my little potential babies to grow, grow, grow so that when the time is right, my ovaries will release them, and hopefully we can get pregnant. To my knowledge, I have never ovulated, so you can imagine this is a pretty big deal to us. I'll take 75iu/day for 5 days and then next Friday we will head back for another U/S to see how my little babies are progressing. I don't feel nervous now about poking a needle into my tummy and injecting myself, but ask me Sunday and I think you may get a different answer. :-)From the second U/S, Dr. Dodds will determine if we need to increase meds or what to try to get them to the point that I can take another injection (Ovidrel) to release those babies. How long will it take? Not so sure. We will know more next Friday once we see how my body is responding to the meds. Until then, it's kind of a waiting game.
Heath and I have talked about this a lot. We feel like we are in the right place. Is it scary? You betcha! Are we nervous? More than we care to admit! Do we think it will work? Don't really know... but we have hope. We are trying to rein in the emotions... it's hard to really get your hopes up and then have them dashed... at the same time, it's important for us to remember that He gives us a hope and has a plan, even though our plan seems like a guessing game sometimes.
Although I'm going to try to keep the posts updated... I can't promise that I will get into all the nitty gritty details. It's hard to say right now, what will hit me or how things will play out. Perhaps, what we really need, is your prayer... please pray that we will remain faithful to our Father who has been so faithful through this all. Please pray that He would be the one to receive the praise. Lastly, please pray that we would remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might!
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