The Wait

I can tell I'm not so good at this blogging stuff. I don't know if my life is really that boring, or if I just don't have words to say what I often am feeling.

About 2 weeks ago our good friends adopted a baby and five days later, were required to give her back to the birth mother who had changed her mind. The wait for them was so long... they've been trying to have a family for much longer than Heath and I. As we rejoiced and then cried with them, we were overwhelmed by the way that they handled/are handling this situation. To them, it is as if Katelyn died. As if she was only in their lives long enough for them to grow attached, which only took about a minute, and then she was whisked away to a family and life that they will never know. It hurts to see them be given a glimpse of being parents, only to have their dreams dashed in an instant, but we know all things work together for good. God has a plan for their lives and they are faithfully following His lead.

Yesterday we had an appt with Dr. Pete. We got there about 15 minutes early and discovered he was delivering a baby so our appt to get answers has been delayed. We are waiting now for him to call us regarding the HSG results and see where we go from here. I am amazed by the people God has placed in our lives. The ones that always call to check up when we have these appts. The ones who we may not hear from, but that we know are faithfully praying for us. The family, who never lets us down, but keeps encouraging us. The wait has been frustrating to say the least as we anticipate answers, only to have them put off time after time. God has been faithful though, I can say that I have honestly felt peace about the timing and the things we've been through since we switched to Dr. Pete. It is a peace that is not easily explained. I don't feel that I am sitting back and letting the time pass by me without a care, although it may look that way to outsiders. We are constantly talking about our someday family, we dream about the days that we will be the ones holding up others Dr's appts with the delivery of our baby, we keep hoping and praying, knowing that His timing is still perfect! I love that word... PERFECT... nothing wrong, right on time, no changes needed, just right!

I am reminded of the passage in Romans 8:22-26 (MSG)The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Just one last thought about the passage above. I have never read it from the Message until today, and only today because it happened to be the closest Bible to the computer. I don't think, though, that the passage reads as it does by chance. There is a reason, I pulled out that Bible and that passage and that it was referring to pregnancy in that way. I love the passage because it speaks of the hope we have. We don't hope for things we see, but things we don't see. For how can we hope for what we see? We don't need hope if we already see it... but we hope for things we can't see that developing perseverance in us. Not only that, but when we are tired, don't know how to pray or what words to speak, He knows and He does it for us. What an awesome God we serve!

Father, I thank you today for the hope in the waiting that we receive from you. Thank you for continually reminding us that in the waiting we are developing our faith and perseverance. We are so blessed to know that you are holding us close to your chest, caressing our cheeks, wiping the tears and pressing us on towards a deeper love for you. We can't see the big picture, but you can. We don't know what's ahead, but you do. May we always remember that these things are working together for your good. Place us where you want us, teach us to lean completely on you, and bring us ever so close to you! We love you!

An Overload of Emotions

So many emotions going through my head right now. Yesterday I had an HSG to check for any blockages in my tubes. Right side and uterus looks good... left side not so much. It looks like it's completely blocked since no dye was able to flow through, but it could also be just a spasm. Dr. Pete wants to schedule laproscopic surgery to get a better idea of what the problem is and how it can be fixed. We have follow-up to the HSG appt on Dec 30 and from there will discuss our options and schedule surgery if that's what we decide to do.

The emotions stem from so many things. Happiness that the report wasn't terrible. Sadness and fear because we're unsure what the deal is with the left side. Excitement for my sister who had another round at the fertility center and things look promising. Overwhelming joy for our good friends who were chosen last week for adoption of a baby girl to be born in January, who decided to come early. They had their baby today. Anxiety for what is ahead for us. Jealousy and a bit angry for all those who have no problems getting pregnant even when they don't want to or can't provide for babies.

Lord, what are you trying to teach us and how do we get through this with grace? We know you are still in control and that is hope to us. But there are still days, especially when all those around seem to be being blessed with our hearts desire, where we feel defeated and discouraged and like we're never going to get there. Please God, send us a baby! Please Father give us grace and show us your faithfulness. Hold us as we cry and wrap us in your love. We are so thankful for the blessing of your guidance and provision. We love you!

One Step Closer

Happy Holidays! It's been a while... almost a month since I've written. Not too much going on on the baby front or the home front for that matter. We were up north last weekend, Wed-Saturday for Thanksgiving with the Smith family. It was a fun time, but unfortunately, no deer again. I can't believe we have gone through bow and now gun season with no deer for the freezer. God is in control, but I sure am going to miss the venison this winter.

I took my second dose of Provera last week and now this week my cycle has started. I called Dr. Pete to set up the dye test. It is scheduled for next week Wednesday, the 9th. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am to register. The test will be done at 7:45 or so and shouldn't last anymore than 30 minutes. Heath is going with me and I am very thankful for that. After that it is a wait to see if there were blockages or see what other information we have found out from the tests. We are praying for good results.

My sister had the dye test done about 4 years ago. At the time they were trying to have a baby... they got pregnant the month after the test. Maybe that will be our case, and maybe not... Either way, we are one step closer to having some answers.

Each day of waiting is bringing us one day closer to our baby. We are so hopeful and so excited about what the future holds. Our home is ready, to an extent. I am excited to start decorating a nursery, but Heath says wait until we know for sure. I know he's right, but I'm so impatient. I have looked... I know what I want to do... course that may change between now and then. Until then, we will keep dreaming, keep praying, keep hoping!