The Wait

I can tell I'm not so good at this blogging stuff. I don't know if my life is really that boring, or if I just don't have words to say what I often am feeling.

About 2 weeks ago our good friends adopted a baby and five days later, were required to give her back to the birth mother who had changed her mind. The wait for them was so long... they've been trying to have a family for much longer than Heath and I. As we rejoiced and then cried with them, we were overwhelmed by the way that they handled/are handling this situation. To them, it is as if Katelyn died. As if she was only in their lives long enough for them to grow attached, which only took about a minute, and then she was whisked away to a family and life that they will never know. It hurts to see them be given a glimpse of being parents, only to have their dreams dashed in an instant, but we know all things work together for good. God has a plan for their lives and they are faithfully following His lead.

Yesterday we had an appt with Dr. Pete. We got there about 15 minutes early and discovered he was delivering a baby so our appt to get answers has been delayed. We are waiting now for him to call us regarding the HSG results and see where we go from here. I am amazed by the people God has placed in our lives. The ones that always call to check up when we have these appts. The ones who we may not hear from, but that we know are faithfully praying for us. The family, who never lets us down, but keeps encouraging us. The wait has been frustrating to say the least as we anticipate answers, only to have them put off time after time. God has been faithful though, I can say that I have honestly felt peace about the timing and the things we've been through since we switched to Dr. Pete. It is a peace that is not easily explained. I don't feel that I am sitting back and letting the time pass by me without a care, although it may look that way to outsiders. We are constantly talking about our someday family, we dream about the days that we will be the ones holding up others Dr's appts with the delivery of our baby, we keep hoping and praying, knowing that His timing is still perfect! I love that word... PERFECT... nothing wrong, right on time, no changes needed, just right!

I am reminded of the passage in Romans 8:22-26 (MSG)The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Just one last thought about the passage above. I have never read it from the Message until today, and only today because it happened to be the closest Bible to the computer. I don't think, though, that the passage reads as it does by chance. There is a reason, I pulled out that Bible and that passage and that it was referring to pregnancy in that way. I love the passage because it speaks of the hope we have. We don't hope for things we see, but things we don't see. For how can we hope for what we see? We don't need hope if we already see it... but we hope for things we can't see that developing perseverance in us. Not only that, but when we are tired, don't know how to pray or what words to speak, He knows and He does it for us. What an awesome God we serve!

Father, I thank you today for the hope in the waiting that we receive from you. Thank you for continually reminding us that in the waiting we are developing our faith and perseverance. We are so blessed to know that you are holding us close to your chest, caressing our cheeks, wiping the tears and pressing us on towards a deeper love for you. We can't see the big picture, but you can. We don't know what's ahead, but you do. May we always remember that these things are working together for your good. Place us where you want us, teach us to lean completely on you, and bring us ever so close to you! We love you!

An Overload of Emotions

So many emotions going through my head right now. Yesterday I had an HSG to check for any blockages in my tubes. Right side and uterus looks good... left side not so much. It looks like it's completely blocked since no dye was able to flow through, but it could also be just a spasm. Dr. Pete wants to schedule laproscopic surgery to get a better idea of what the problem is and how it can be fixed. We have follow-up to the HSG appt on Dec 30 and from there will discuss our options and schedule surgery if that's what we decide to do.

The emotions stem from so many things. Happiness that the report wasn't terrible. Sadness and fear because we're unsure what the deal is with the left side. Excitement for my sister who had another round at the fertility center and things look promising. Overwhelming joy for our good friends who were chosen last week for adoption of a baby girl to be born in January, who decided to come early. They had their baby today. Anxiety for what is ahead for us. Jealousy and a bit angry for all those who have no problems getting pregnant even when they don't want to or can't provide for babies.

Lord, what are you trying to teach us and how do we get through this with grace? We know you are still in control and that is hope to us. But there are still days, especially when all those around seem to be being blessed with our hearts desire, where we feel defeated and discouraged and like we're never going to get there. Please God, send us a baby! Please Father give us grace and show us your faithfulness. Hold us as we cry and wrap us in your love. We are so thankful for the blessing of your guidance and provision. We love you!

One Step Closer

Happy Holidays! It's been a while... almost a month since I've written. Not too much going on on the baby front or the home front for that matter. We were up north last weekend, Wed-Saturday for Thanksgiving with the Smith family. It was a fun time, but unfortunately, no deer again. I can't believe we have gone through bow and now gun season with no deer for the freezer. God is in control, but I sure am going to miss the venison this winter.

I took my second dose of Provera last week and now this week my cycle has started. I called Dr. Pete to set up the dye test. It is scheduled for next week Wednesday, the 9th. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am to register. The test will be done at 7:45 or so and shouldn't last anymore than 30 minutes. Heath is going with me and I am very thankful for that. After that it is a wait to see if there were blockages or see what other information we have found out from the tests. We are praying for good results.

My sister had the dye test done about 4 years ago. At the time they were trying to have a baby... they got pregnant the month after the test. Maybe that will be our case, and maybe not... Either way, we are one step closer to having some answers.

Each day of waiting is bringing us one day closer to our baby. We are so hopeful and so excited about what the future holds. Our home is ready, to an extent. I am excited to start decorating a nursery, but Heath says wait until we know for sure. I know he's right, but I'm so impatient. I have looked... I know what I want to do... course that may change between now and then. Until then, we will keep dreaming, keep praying, keep hoping!

It's not a Curse, It's a Gift!

This week is spiritual emphasis week at school. It's amazing to me how God places in our lives exactly what we need and when we need. I'm almost guilty even saying that, though, because He is all powerful, all knowing, all wise... we should expect no less.

Today's lesson was on three attributes of God from Psalm 145. #1 His greatness, #2 His graciousness, #3 His goodness. God is good, all the time. Ken Rudolph is our speaker for the week. He is dynamic and his way of presenting truth is phenomenal. He has this way of grasping students attention and keeping it for his whole message. Praise the Lord, for the blessing of having him with us this week.

Ken told a story of a young girl who, with her family, volunteered at a summer camp. This girl was born with no hands. Her parents had two choices at her birth. They could get mad at God for what they had been dealt, or they could choose to accept it as a gift, knowing that God is good and had their best interest in mind. They chose to accept it as a gift and have taught this young girl all along that having no hands was a gift from God and that He would give her opportunity to use that gift. She is an excellent artist, she saddles and rides her horse by herself, she speaks with other students in similar positions to teach them about the gift they've been given. What an amazing example of courage, faith, and trust in our amazing God.

I tell you this story because as I sat there listening to Ken, I realized that our infertility is not a mistake. It was designed before we were born. It is truly a gift from God. I choose today to treat it as that. God is good, we know this truth, we read about it in His Word. There is nothing that He does that is bad. That means, that the gift of infertility from God must be good for us and we have this gift because He had our best interest in mind.

Father, I thank you for this gift. A gift that others would see as a curse. A gift that sometimes doesn't really even seem like a gift at all, but a burden. You know what you were doing, though, when you gave this gift to us. Use us to be a light to others who struggle with infertility. Help us to grow more and more in our trust in you. When things get frustrating remind us of How great, gracious, and good you are. We love you and we trust you.

I Am Blessed

We had a message at church yesterday about how blessed we are as Children of the one true God. We are chosen, adopted as sons, and redeemed. What more could we want? As we listened to the message, my eyes were drawn a note I had written much earlier in the text of Ephesians 1:3-14. It reads "You are blessed no matter what you don't have." What a constant reminder. This journey we are on is far from over...it's mostly just getting started. We feel confident though, that even if our journey ends without a family, we are still blessed. The promise of blessing does not get rid of the emotions we feel as we press on. We are still overcome at times with where we are headed and what the outcome will be. Our God is a loving God, merciful, just, faithful, the list goes on. Above all, He knows what is best and for that we are so thankful!

I had a kind of frustrating small group last night. We have been meeting for about 6 weeks now. I feel like we've finally settled down to a core group and we are getting to know one another. It has taken us that long to feel comfortable sharing that we are struggling with infertility and to ask prayer. Finally deciding that we would, I was all prepared with what I was going to say when the teenagers in our group began praising the Lord for their teen friend who will soon be a mom. Another joins in and says how excited they are to be godmom to their friends baby that will be born soon. I was struck by the flippant way they were treating such a serious fact of life. The thought that went through my mind is that they weren't excited about having this child, this precious life, but were excited at the thought of playing house. It only took a couple of minutes of discussion on this topic to decide that we were not about to share our struggle with infertility when there was such excitement over children that are being born to teen moms.

The teen mom discussion did quiet down after a while and we decided to go ahead and share our struggle and ask for prayer. We did not go into detail, but I promptly started crying. As I looked across the room, I looked straight into the eyes of a young girl, who is 8 months pregnant. Her eyes said everything. She needed no words to express the heartfelt apology she uttered to me. This girl is one I love. She is one that I have worked closely with on our Bible quiz team in the past. She is strong and loving and energetic and she has been forced to grow up so quickly by her choices. She, however; has become stronger for it. She has shown great maturity and responsibilty and I have no doubts that she will be a great mom.

I am still blessed. No matter what I don't have, no matter the frustrations that continue to pile on. Every morning, every afternoon, every evening, I am blessed with a Father, the ultimate Father, who chose me, adopted me into his family, and redeemed me from a life of turmoil. Oh, how I love Him!

The Results are In

Well, the doctor called... the results from Heath's analysis are in. He is mostly good. Dr. Pete says motility (the number moving forward in a straight line, towards the egg)is about 45.5% where they like to see it at 50%. We are thankful, though, that the margin is very minimal and Dr. Pete thinks that should be no reason, we haven't been able to conceive yet. Praise the Lord for answered prayers and peace in the waiting.

It's amazing to me how our bodies will react to our hearts desire. I mean this... I had been having what I thought were pregnancy symptoms for a couple of weeks. We of course, thought those to be pretty good indications that maybe, just maybe, we might be pregnant. I put off taking the test for a good week and a half, because I didn't know if I could bear the big fat negative again. Eventually, though, for peace of mind, I take the test. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more hoping against all hope. Now we know... I am not pregnant and the symptoms are likely side effects of the metformin that I am taking. What gets me is that fairly shortly after I take the test, within a couple days, the symptoms start to subside. That's when I know my body is beginning to play tricks on me. My body is trying to create this hope that is then shattered with a litle stick that reads "NOT PREGNANT". Well, I share this, to say this... We are not losing hope, our hope is in the Lord! Not in our bodies, not in anything we say or do or anything others say or do. We only trust in Him and His perfect timing!

On My Knees, Jaci Valasquez

On My Knees

I had to drop off my husband’s semen sample this morning. I was so unprepared for the emotions that hit me as I walked into the fertility center. I had to choke back the tears that threatened to spill for reasons still unexplained. Maybe it was just my fear showing through. Maybe it was my husbands nervous smile and “I love you” as we parted ways and I headed to the clinic. Perhaps it was just the reality of our situation. I’m not sure, but I was never so happy to leave a lab and walk to my car, in the rain. It was like I couldn’t get there fast enough, and as soon as I was in the comfort of my car, the tears flowed freely.

The realization that the people that I saw (some couples, others by themselves) sitting in the waiting room, were all dealing with similar things hit me and overwhelmed me. There was a family feel to the environment because of the commonness we shared, even though those I saw, I had never met. It is hard to put into words the emotions that were free flowing through me, but they drained me. I came to work in a daze and so far it feels like I am working in a fog. On the outside I look like any other person, my hair is pulled up, my jewelry shines, and my makeup is meticulous. On the inside, I feel caged. I want to scream. I want my husband. I don’t want to be here, I want to be in his arms. I want to comfort him… he is nervous. The waiting is unmistakeably difficult. You can’t know the anxiety and stress it creates until you are in the situation. All those times I tried to comfort friends going through it. I had no idea what was really going on.

The only thing I know to do is get on my knees…. I’m reminded again of a song. The words to “On My Knees” are to the left. Reflect on them, cry to God, know that He is always in control. When there is nothing else to say, noone else to turn to, HE is still God. He is still Faithful. He is still holding you!

Father God, you know what it is we are feeling. You know the heartache and the uncertainty that accompanies each of these appointments. Let us feel your peace as we wait for the test results. Let us remember you know what is best and that your timing is PERFECT. Whatever your will is, prepare us to accept it. Preapare our hearts for what we will hear in the next week. Prepare us, God. We don’t know what is ahead. We give it all to you. ALL of it. EVERY hope, EVERY dream, EVERY heartache. Do with us as you please and forgive us for the times we don’t trust. We love you! In Jesus Name, Amen!

The Fish Bowl of Life

Did/Do you ever feel like you were just a fish in a fish bowl? If you have/do, you are right. We are kinda like the fish in the fish bowl of life. We can’t really see the big picture, we can only see what is right in front of us right now. God is our caretaker. He feeds us each day, cleans our environment, and gives us all that we will ever need. So why is it we sometimes feel like pushing the limits and jumping out of our fish bowl? Maybe because we forget how powerful He is and how weak we are. Perhaps it’s because we think we know better. Or maybe, just maybe, we forget that He really does have our best interest in mind. He isn’t sitting up there on His throne rubbing his hands together with an evil eye and sending trials our way. He is sitting up there lovingly waiting, anticipating the excitement and joy we will find when we put our trust in Him and wait for His perfect timing.

There are times as we travel through the journey of having a family, that we don’t understand why we have to struggle. There is no reason before me now that will explain away the anger and frustration that we feel as we trod down this path of trying to conceive. There are so many questions we could ask. Why doesn’t our insurance cover this procedure? Why don’t all doctors accept all insurances? Why are things taking so long? Why don’t the people who are supposed to be helping us act as if they are interested in our case? Why can’t this be happening to someone else instead of us? Why is it so hard? So many unanswered questions. The truth is, it is happening to others, many others, even in our close group of friends… my sister, my best friend, and two other girlfriends. They are all struggling with the same thing. That is when it hits me. How faithful He is to place in my path other women who are dealing with the same thing. He has placed in my life members of our church who are prayer warriors. People who surround us with love and prayers and a genuine desire to see our family grow.

So, it is with great hope that we not ask “Why” questions, but instead ask “What are we supposed to learn?” or “How can we be used?” The answers. We are learning to trust in Him. We are understanding the meaning of His Perfect Timing, we are pressing on towards the goal, knowing that the end result, baby or not, will outweigh the trials. We still get frustrated, we still get angry, we still feel defeated at times, but each day we are renewed by the fact that we don’t need to see the big picture, He has it under control, and encouraged by the promise, that all things are beautiful in His time. Things may not go our way, but we will still rejoice! Yes, for now, we are happy to sit back and enjoy our little fish bowl of life.

Habakkuk 3:17 “Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”

Let the Waters Rise, MikesChair

Let the Waters Rise

My husband and I are trying to have a baby. I have PCOS and the likelihood of us having a child without some infertility help is minimal. Since February we have been working with doctors. The beginning was quite frustrating. Our family doctor (Dr. Kitts) was supposed to receive my charts from my previous doctor and read through it before our second appt in June. I arrived at the office in June to find out that he had not only not read my chart, but in fact, he had never received my chart. After fighting with my previous doctor to get my chart (I no longer lived in that town and did not want to drive all the way there, they wanted another signature, they would send it when they got to it, etc., etc… what a nightmare) my mom finally picked it up and we hand delivered it to our family doctor.

I made another appt for a month down the road, so that he had time to read the chart and decide on a plan of attack. Arrived at the office for the 3rd time in July and he, again, had not read the report. He sent me home, feeling disappointed and unsure of what my next move should be. He promised to read it over the weekend and call me on Monday. Two weeks passed and I never heard from him. I finally called, but by this time was pretty ready for a new doctor… someone who actually cared about us and our future family, or at the very least pretended. He returned my call, said he had still not read the chart, but again promised to over the weekend. He called me the following Monday. With PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) diabetes is a concern since there is usually some insulin resistance. He ordered a Glucose Tolerance Test. Relief… we were finally moving forward. It was August by now. I went to the lab the next day for the GTT, and was told the results would be in and I should hear from him within 3-4 days. Again, 2 weeks later, I had to make the call to him. He called back and said all my levels were normal. Cholesterol was a bit elevated, but nothing he was concerned about. He was going to refer me to an OB/GYN friend of his who would do a hysterosalpingogram (HSG, aks the dye test to check for blockages in my tubes). He also wanted my husband to have a complete semen analysis to rule out any problems with him. He did not offer to help us with that, but said the OB/GYN would do that.

Almost 2 wks later I had not heard anything back from him about the referral or from this OB/GYN friend. By then, we had had enough. We decided to call an OB/GYN of our choice and see if we could get an appt with him. I should explain that we were just married in June of 2008 and I moved to his home town, so had not established all my doctors/dentists/hairdresser, etc. The day after I called Dr. Pete and got an appt for the following Thurs, our family doctor called with the referral information and said the appointment had been made for 2 Thursdays later. Not so much, because as soon as I received the paperwork, I called the doctor that Dr. Kitts had referred me to and cancelled my appt. We had decided to go with Dr. Pete. I met Dr. Pete the following Thursday and he was amazing. I explained the whole story even through some tears at one point. I felt that he was genuinely interested in my story and the outcome. That day he prescribed me Provera, to get my cycle that had been non-existent for 2 years, jump started. It worked. 1 week later I had my first period in forever. Now, I know to some women, that is “the curse of all curses”, but to me and to my husband, that was “the blessing of all blessings”. It felt like the first step in our baby quest. I called Dr. Pete as soon as I started so that we could schedule the HSG, dye test. Unfortunately, the hospital was booked solid in the right time frame, so we must wait for my next cycle. Which brings up another thought… will I have a next cycle, or will we need to jumpstart again? In addition to this, Dr. Pete has me on Prenatal Vitamins, because he does with everyone who is TTC. To treat any insulin resistance there might be, which should get me ovulating, I am taking metformin every day.

I at least feel like we are getting somewhere. My husband will go next week sometime to have the semen analysis. We are praying that everything is a-ok where he is concerned. If not, we know God will give us the strength to face whatever the tests say. Please pray for us. We realize this is just the beginning. We don’t know what God has in store, but we are praying for His will, not ours. That is the most heart wrenching prayer a woman could ever possibly pray. To pray God’s Will, knowing very well that prayer is powerful and that His plan is perfect. His plan for our life may not involve children, but we are confident that HE knows best. We would give anything to be parents and we believe that we will be blessed with that opportunity, but if we are not, He will be our strength, He will be our comfort, He will be our fulfillment.

This is turning into a book. There are things that I needed to share, though. I needed to get the facts out. If no one ever reads my blog, my heart has been emptied and there is room for joy in the midst of the battle. I heard a song this morning on my way into work. The words to "Let the Waters Rise" are to the left. They spoke directly to me, because they say exactly what I feel. God, you are awesome, merciful, loving, and faithful. You will never leave, you know what is best, and you are with us through it all. So, let the waters rise!

The Power of Words

I am a 29 year old woman, married to the most amazing man to walk this planet. He is my lover, my helpmate, my absolute best friend. The one I cry with and laugh with. The one I vent to and my best listener and encourager. He is my world, in this world. The most amazing words he has ever shared with me came on our first date. You have to know the story to know how those words impacted me. We met through a friend of a friend, and at that it was all online. Our friends weren’t, but our first interactions, actually our first two weeks of conversations, were all through email. We spoke to one another with words painfully honest, openly trusting, and from the heart from day one. I cannot explain to you how either of us felt so comfortable to do such a thing, except that the peace of God filled us from the first email. We knew those first emails were just the beginning. About 2 weeks into the emailing, we wanted to be able to hear one another’s voice. I was already falling in love with this man. It was a true heart love, because we had not spoken of what we looked like, except that I did ask his height since I had this thing about dating people shorter than me. Thankfully, he was 6′2″… I am 5′7″. We talked on the phone that first time for one hour and agreed to meet that weekend for dinner. On the first date, he drove to my house (he lived about an hour and 10 minutes away), we had dinner, then he met my parents. Towards the end of the evening, we got to talking about the anxiety of coming to meet a blind date. He said the most precious words I have ever heard and will not soon forget “I was praying that my eyes would see what my heart already saw.” I guess they did, because after 11 months, we were engaged and within 7 months of that were married.

How powerful those words were. They assured me that I was dealing with someone who was sincere. They reaffirmed that the feelings that were beginning to develop through our emails were genuine. In February, 4 months before we were married, I received another precious set of words. This time engraved on a heart that I wear around my neck. “To the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world.” Tears gather even now as I think about those words.

There are times; however, that words can cause pain. Be careful with your words. You never know how they will hit those who are hearing them. Words are meant to build up not to tear down. Not to make those with wounds, hurt even deeper.

James 3:6-10 It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! (MSG)

Until next time, Peace!

The Beginning

It is my first blog post ever. All those times I thought about starting a blog, I had plenty to say. Now, not so much! It will come to me.

I have titled this blog “Reflections”. If you are reading this, I must have picked an interesting enough title. If not, well, then I still have accomplished my goal. The reflections that you are reading are heart reflections. An opportunity for me to let it all out. A way for me to express what I am feeling without burdening those closest to me. I am not going crazy, I am not depressed, I am; however, beginning a journey and wish to express the emotions, joys, disappointments, and outcome of the journey. Maybe “The Journey” would be a good title for this blog.

At any rate… as this is a way for me to express my thoughts (about our journey, but also random thoughts as well), I am encouraged to know that there are many out there who are or have been on this same journey. There will/ have been, I’m sure, varied outcomes. I am interested in them all. You cannot have good in life without the bad. Isn’t it funny, how we always remember the bad, and we have to think a little harder to remember the good? My reflections will be on both.

Can’t wait to get started and see where the road leads. God is good! He is my guide and His perfect timing will reveal itself! Will I be ready?