It's been over a year since my last post. So many times I have begun a post and so many times I walked away unable to put into words my thoughts and feelings. Even now, I'm not sure these words can encompass all that is in my heart.
A year....A long, hard, most difficult year. And in that year, we have been through our third and fourth unsuccessful embryo transfers...the fourth one being our final attempt. In a year, we ushered not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR of our precious babies into the arms of our Savior, their Father. And those arms, the ever-loving arms that have faithfully held us through our journey, now hold our babies. Nine of them. It seems harsh and cruel and unbearably painful that the babies which we had so hoped to hold in our arms, the babies that we loved from before they were even conceived, were not allowed to be, but were instead pulled from our grasp. But alas, they were never really in our grasp. They were never really our babies. They were always His...
There are days that I think I might never get past the pain. Days that feel so overwhelming and I feel at such a loss as to exactly how I should be feeling or how I should be acting. I want to handle this pain with grace and poise and not be the weeping mess that I sometimes feel like. I want to make it through a single staff meeting without the embarrassing tears that always threaten. I want to pull myself together and put it all behind me, but then this journey has been such a part of me, of us, for so long that I'm just not quite sure how to do that. And then I think, do I even want to do that? We have been changed, we have been molded, we are better people and our faith is stronger because of it, so do I want to wipe the past away? Probably not. I want to remember!
From day one, I have always said that there really is NO good reason that anyone should have to go through the pain of infertility... and truthfully there isn't... EXCEPT that there is.. because the Bible says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work to that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4) It's growing us, changing us, making us mature and complete in Christ. Is it painful? You betcha! Does it feel like it's more than we can handle? Most days.. and that's because it IS more than we can handle. Last week, our pastor preached on the fallacy of the statement "He'll never give us more than we can handle!" Isn't that what we all say in the face of pain and struggling and disappointment and hurt? But it's not true. He DOES give us more than we can handle... otherwise, why would we need HIM? As I was preparing the bulletin and reading through the points that Pastor Kevin had given me to put into the bulletin, I began to weep. I was so overwhelmed and let's face it, a bit angry by the third point in his sermon that I promptly stopped typing, marched to his office down the hall, knocked (and I'm not even sure that I waited for him to answer before barging in) and had this conversation:
"I am NOT coming to church on Sunday because I do NOT want to hear what you have to say."
"Ok! But tell me why."
"If God has promised not to give me more than HE can sustain me through or deliver me from, then that means that I just have to sit back and take what he throws at me... because He can sustain me through and deliver me from anything, but sometimes He doesn't"
I was angry! But God was working even in my anger... through Pastor Kevin and IN me. He shared with me, the very verse, among others, that I had been working on learning "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:17-18) God might not deliver us from the trials we face... at least not this side of heaven. But there is HOPE! There is a greater purpose to our suffering. This world, our pain, our suffering, the hurt and disappointments we face are light and momentary. They are just a blip in the big picture.. and the big picture, the ETERNAL glory that is coming, is so much more than what is weighing us down right now. Our pain is meant to pull our eyes off us where they never should have been and instead be fixed on Him who allowed the pain, but walked with us through it. (By the way, I DID go to church last Sunday, and was hugely blessed by the sermon... so take that, Satan!)
There have been so many of you who have walked with us on this journey. Our families, our friends, our prayer warriors. We are so grateful for your support, your hugs, your shoulders to cry on. We are thankful for every phone call and every card and every "I'm praying for you" text. We are overwhelmed by your love and so blessed by your kindness.
It is with heavy hearts that we close this chapter of our lives... a chapter we had so hoped and prayed would be the beginning. It has been a long 5 years! We don't know what the future holds. We are not giving up on our dream of being parents... We still believe that our God is indeed a God of miracles and that with one thought, one word, one breath He could work in my body and create life. For now, though, we are taking a breather, a time to rest, we are taking this season in our lives to continue to pray and seek the Lord's good and perfect will for our family.
Many of you have mentioned or asked us about adoption. Yes, it's on our radar. Yes, we could see ourselves being parents through adoption. Yes, it's a WHOLE LOT of money that we do not have and Yes, we are trusting that IF it is God's plan for us, HE will make it very clear to us and provide all that we need. In the meantime, we will trust, we will wait, we will rest in His Word and in His ever loving arms.
Our prayer- That we would faithfully be seeking His face, that we would be sensitive to His voice, and that we would be obedient to His call. Would you consider praying with us?
