A couple of days ago I found myself lying in bed crying out to God to save me from the heartache of empty arms. I cried on behalf of my husband who has been waiting for so long to hold our baby. I cried for our babies that we have lost and that He now holds. I cried for the babies we hope to hold some day, and I cried for my arms and my heart that ache every day for our little ones. Ones that I'm not even sure God has planned for us.
It's hard to even put into words the mountains and valleys of emotion that we've faced throughout this journey... a journey that as of right now is not over.
As I lay there, I realized that so often, too often really, I have taken the burden of this journey on my own shoulders. I have spent countless hours weeping over the fact that I failed my husband again. Each time the test came back negative, each time we were faced with a large medical bill, each time my body didn't do what it was supposed to do, I took that burden. I accepted that as MY failure. I beat myself up about it, I felt guilty, I fell into bouts of depression over something that is not my fault. That's hard on a person... and I can't imagine it has helped the situation at all. It certainly hasn't made me feel upbeat and joyful about any of it.
I have second guessed God's will, His love, the power of prayer, and His faithfulness. I have wondered over and over again just what I had done so wrong that He would withhold something so desired and so beautiful from me. I have begged and pleaded with Him to grant this desire of our hearts so that I could feel full and worthy and loved. I have cried and been grumpy with my husband because of medicines I HATE. I have been a basket case at baby showers and birthday parties and holiday gatherings because of my own lack of self-worth, which I've thought for so long was tied to whether I was a mother or not. I have wished the empty arms away and wondered what I did to deserve this pain. I have asked over and over again for something that God hasn't seen fit to bless me with yet. I have felt resentment as others share their stories of God answering their prayers and have wondered where God is in my story. I have been angry as I watch others receive and take advantage of the very precious gift I fight for every day. I have lied and told people "I'm fine" when really I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping away the pain... mostly because if I tell them how I really am, I couldn't bare to put on a smile and listen as they share the "cliche's" that I already know. I have not been ok and I'm still not and that's ok, because it's not my burden to bear! I'm not in control... as much as I think I'd like to be, there is someone much more qualified than I could ever hope to be, who has got my back on this one. He's my FATHER GOD and He's amazing. He is the ultimate desire of our hearts... beyond love, and marriage, and baby, He's what we want... His Will, not our own. And it's not ok for me to be angry or wondering why this or why that, because not everything that we go through is meant to be understood, but everything that we go through is passed through His hands first and meant to ultimately glorify Him. So it's not ok, it's far from ok for me to behave as if it's my fault or my issue... it's not It's God's Perfect Design for my Life!
Over the past few weeks we have been going through a series at church called "Come and Die", an in-depth look at the words so well known in Luke 9:23-24... "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whosoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my My sake will save it." We have talked about the cost of surrendering our lives for Christ. We've discussed not only the things we might lose, but the more that we will gain. Our pastor has been writing daily devotionals for us and there is one that really hit home. As Heath and I read through the Scripture and devotional, I could not keep from weeping. Here's what caught me and changed the way I was thinking and acting : Usually when something bad happens to us, our first question is, “What did I do
to deserve this?”. Or we ask, “What is God trying to teach me?”, and we try to
figure out the lesson as quickly as possible so that we can escape the
uncomfortableness of the trial or suffering. But what if God’s answer to us in
the midst of these situations is the same as Jesus’ answer to his disciples? (Luke 9:1-7)
“No one sinned”, “you didn’t do anything wrong”, “I’m not waiting for you to
learn something and then I’ll stop with the trial”. What if God’s answer is,
“I’m letting you go through this, so that through you and your circumstance
others may see me!” What if the bad thing that you wish would go away is God
revealing himself to your friends and family through you? What if it’s the way
He is choosing to grow your faith and reveal his sufficiency to not only you,
but to all those you come in contact with? What if, just like the man born
blind, God has allowed such a thing so that in this very moment you could shine
the light of his gospel into a dark world that so desperately needs to see
Jesus? Remember this, God never promised you wouldn’t have troubles in this
world, He only promised that you’d never have to face those troubles alone!
Never again will I second Guess God's love, His faithfulness, the power of prayer, or His will for my life. I know now that His will is right where I am, His love is never ending and always abounding, His faithfulness is new every morning, and prayer is the most powerful and only thing I have to combat this journey. I will no longer wonder what I've done or what I'm supposed to learn, because that's more about me than anything should be. Instead I will look for opportunity to reach out to others and to be the shining light in this dark world. I don't need to feel embarrassed or burdened by my lack of children. Instead I will embrace the life God has blessed me with in my husband and my family. I will not give up on the God who holds me when I feel so alone, because He has not given up on me. I will be thankful for every moment I spend on this earth and use every moment to reflect and glorify my Savior. I will rejoice in other's blessings and pray wholeheartedly for those who care nothing for those little blessings. I give up the burden that I chose to bear that was not mine to bear.
So, there you are my friend, the crazy messed up mountains and valleys of an infertile woman. It's not an easy road, but despite what we sometimes think, it is still a BLESSING.
