Heath has always loved roller coasters. In fact, as we were spring cleaning the basement this week, we came across some old pictures of him and his brothers and some friends on a roller coaster. You know, those crazy photos you get as they flash your picture while you scream into the camera. It was quite hilarious. At any rate, he has always loved them. I don't know if it's the thrill of zooming up and down and all around or the fact that you feel macho having conquered the coaster, or just plain craziness. Whatever it is, he to this day loves them.
I, on the other hand am quite the opposite. It's not that I've never gotten on a roller coaster, or that I may never again, because I probably will. It's more that I don't get the point of it... I feel just fine with my feet planted on the solid ground where I don't have to anticipate being turned upside down and all around. I remember all too often standing in line, a HUGE long line that took over an hour to get to the front of, only to hop on the roller coaster for a 30 second ride. Seriously! How crazy can you be? And if that isn't enough, occassionally while I stood in line ringing my hands in terrified anticipation and watching the coaster do it's thing, I witnessed a most horrifying thing. The coaster, while zooming over the tracks would come to a complete stop and not where it was supposed to. I remember one time the riders were left hanging upside down for a bit of time, not too long, but if I had been on that ride, one second suspended upside down would be too long. This only served to terrify me more, yet I plodded on trusting the friend or family member that pressed me forward. I'm happy to report that I NEVER have gotten stuck on a roller coaster, upside down or otherwise... but as they say there's a first time for everything...
Life is kind of like that... this roller coaster of ups and downs and all arounds. We wait in line, it seems, for the chance to ride the coaster of dating. Once we get off the dating coaster, we rush to the next coolest coaster with even more loops and turns and we hop on the coaster of life called Marriage. Then, if all goes as planned, you join the ranks of those waiting in line for Babies, soon to be followed by the Parents Coaster. And that's where our journey has taken us. No, we haven't quite reached the Parents line, but it will come.
We spent a long while on the dating roller coaster...years actually. Never really finding that one that we wanted to take with us onto the Marriage coaster. Until we met one another, that is... and within a few months we knew that we were going to make the move from that Dating Coaster to the Marriage Coaster. It didn't happen right away, but within a year and a half we were on the Marriage Coaster. I'm very pleased to report that as much as other's told us the first year would be the hardest... it really wasn't. The roller coaster of the first year of marriage was more like a Lazy River than a roller coaster. Really, it still is... except that we hopped on the roller coaster of Infertility. I'm not trying to brag...just when Heath and I look at our marriage, it's been easy. Easy to love one another, easy to agree with one another, easy to keep pressing on... I think it has something to do with our age. But then that seems backward to me too, because we were 28 and 36 when we got married so we should have been more set in our ways... but the adjustment didn't seem like an adjustment at all, but very natural. Maybe it was our age, after all, we had the privilege of watching several marriages and the opportunity to watch what worked and didn't work.
At any rate the Infertility roller coaster is where we are... where we may stay for a while. This is the one that's really throwing us for a loop... really making us question who we are, where our faith lies, and just how much we can stand. It continues to throw us from side to side, up and down, and all around as we wait. We stand in line again and again. Occassionally we see people exit on the other side... the exit that leads to parenthood. But mostly, we see people exit the roller coaster only to wait in line for it once more. The thing about this roller coaster is that it's a "not by choice" roller coaster. Every other roller coaster in life, a person gets to choose... who you will date, who you will marry, a path to a new career... those are things you choose.. Noone has EVER chosen infertility! And yet some of us end up there. If you've ever spent a day at Cedar Point or Great America, you know that after a day of riding roller coasters, you are quite worn out and exhausted, maybe feeling a little bit green. Imagine you were "not by choice" condemned to riding those coasters for 2 years straight... I'd imagine most of us might not survive that. We wouldn't be able to gain nutrition, have any rest, take in liquids, or do any of the things your body needs to do to regain it's strength.
Unfortunately, after 2+ years on the Infertility Roller Coaster, we need a break. We need some recoop time, some time to take in nutrition, have a rest, get our feet firmly rooted on solid ground again. After a month of negative ovulation tests, negative pregnancy test, and hope beyond all hope... we see no signs of pregnancy or ovulation. While that could be very disheartening and it is, we're also ok. We aren't giving up, we just need a time out. In 31 days we are headed to FL for a couple of weeks. We are counting the days and so ready to just kick back and focus on life, our marriage, our family, our friends, and not have to worry about baby stuff for a little bit. Not that we won't think about it... it's always there, that ache for a baby of our own to hold. But it's time to just breathe. Then when we have caught our breath from all the ups, downs, loops, and turns, we will hop back on again and press forward. I'm not sure how many posts I will have between now and then... but please pray with us that God will show his power in our lives and bodies and bring us closer to Him during this "breathe" session.
